SpongeNerd CoolPants

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Please disregard all the "coolness" tech talk throughout this fic. I'm aware of how inaccurate and Farfetch'd it really sounds. :)

Also try to ignore some of Patrick's dialogue. I know it's completely unrealistic to his character.

Scene number: 6
Scene name: Coolio Crisis

Patrick dragged SpongeBob into the house and shut the door.

SpongeBob: Yo Pat, dragging is for unpaid racers.

Patrick stopped dragging him and started boarding up the door.

Patrick: How could this happen? How could this happen?
SpongeBob: Pat, ya wanna fill in the blanks for me here?
Patrick: IT MAKES NO SENSE!!! How could you have suddenly become cooler then me?!
SpongeBob: It makes perfect sense to me. But why do I care, really?
Patrick: I just don't get it. According to the most recent coolness statistics clearly say that my cM level is at a consistent 7.24! I thought for sure we only set the level up to 6! (looks at the lever, which is still set to 6) Oh my god, we did! I don't understand this! There has to be some kind of illogical explanation for this!

He then saw a manual laying on the ground. He picked it up. It read on the front, "Coolinator-9000: Owner's Manual". Patrick flipped it open and started reading it.

Patrick: "Owner's manual. By the totally awesome Kevin the Sea Cucumber. First off, let me start by saying that if you're actually gonna spend your time reading a manual, your cM level has just gone down by one." (grimaces, then starts flipping through the pages) Where is the chapter on cM levels anyway? Oh! "Chapter 7: Setting the cM level. This is the step that will really define just how cool the subject is to become. It is important to note that after the cM waves within the subject's mind has been altered, increased exposure to beings of higher cM levels will cause the mind to absorb cM waves ffrom said superior, gradually increasing the subject's cM level." OH, NO!!! All that time that SpongeBob and I spent together this afternoon, he was sucking coolness out of me and absorbing it into himself! He's becoming cooler, and I'm becoming nerdier‼ (as the camera cuts outside of the house) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then, there was a knock on the door. Patrick answered it. It was Sandy.

Patrick: Oh. Hey, Sandy.
Sandy: Hey, Patrick. Is...SpongeBob there?
Patrick: Maybe. Why do you ask?
Sandy: ... Um, we agreed that he'd take me out dancing today?
SpongeBob: (walking over) I don't think so, low brow.
Sandy: SpongeBob? Is that you?
SpongeBob: SpongeBob doesn't live here anymore, Sandra. And neither should you.
Sandy: What?
SpongeBob: Ya heard me. You are too much of a twig to be my girl.
Sandy: Did y'all just call me skinny? That's a low blow, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Ya know what else is low? Our relationship. Beat it, checker flag.
Sandy: But... (SpongeBob closes the door on her)
Patrick: SpongeBob, you just stood up Sandy. Do you realize that?
SpongeBob: Oh, I realize, Pat. I realize a lot of things, and you know what? I'm out. This place is starting to sag my rep. I'm gonna hang with Darr', Larr', and Joe.
Patrick: What? Are you ditching me?
SpongeBob: I wouldn't say "ditching", puppy dog. I'd use a term such as..."disconnecting from the network". See ya around, rainbow trout.
Patrick: (tugging on SpongeBob's leg) SpongeBob! No! Don't leave me like this!
SpongeBob: Pat, see a counselor. You really need to pick yourself out of the lava. (leaves)
Patrick: Oh, man. I think turning SpongeBob cool may have just been a mistake.

*bubble transition to the next scene*

Next scene: This Ship of Aqquantences Is Over
 
I wonder how spongebob looks whlie he's coll in his Cool mode.
 
Scene number: 7
Scene name: This Friendship Is Over

SpongeBob walked down the road. Patrick spied on him, fpopping up in random hiding places as he followed SpongeBob. He finally snuck behind SpongeBob, disguised as an old lady. SpongeBob walked over to Darry, Larry, and Joe, who stood in the middle of the school.

SpongeBob: Larry.
Darry: SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Darry.
Joe: SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Joe.
Darry: Shall we go onto the flow?
SpongeBob: Word.

They continued walking. Patrick continued following them.

Joe: Where's Patrick?
SpongeBob: We had to split. We'd need not mind him though. His level of coolness is so college.
Darry: Fo sho.
Patrick: (talking quietly) They're insulting me behind my back! But little do they know, I am the one who is behind their backs. (pause) Wow, I'm talking to myself. I really am losing my cool.
Joe: Patrick's cool may start falling to the wicked nerd level.
SpongeBob: Fo sho. Ya know what else is uncool?
Darry: Yeah. People who follow others dressed as an old bag.

Patrick winced. They all turned around to him.

Joe: Fo sho.

Patrick immediately hit behind a mailbox, leaving behind his disguise.

Joe: Shoulds we tell 'im that we know it's 'im?
SpongeBob: I think he knows. So uncool.
Patrick: (walking out from behind the mailbox) Heh heh. Hi, guys. Just thought I'd pop by and, uh...
Joe: Where do you get off, Patrick? Eavesdropping on us as i' we was a bunch of gosspin' ladehs!
Patrick: Heh-heh. Um...that wasn't me. It was my, uh...my evil twin! From, uh...Iceland!
(pause)
Darry: Iceland.
Patrick: Yeah, uh...His name's Patrico! Oooooooohh!!! ...... Ooh.
SpongeBob: You're a worse liar then McDonald's.
Darry: And here's where your cM level drops by another point. (takes off his sunglasses) Patrick, let's face it. You're just not one of the greats anymore. You're now about as "cool" as you were before you beat up that Timbacks nerd.
Patrick: (gets on his knees) But you don't understand! The machine had a side effect so he's sucking away at my cM levels and absorbing it into his mind! The machine has turned him into a broodering coolness vampire! RAAAAHHHHH!!!! Booo!! Raahhhh!!!!
(pause)
Darry: Riiiigght. First your coolness, now your mind. Patrick, you are falling apart.
Patrick: Bu- Bu-...
Joe: No buts, Patrick, unless you're on the johnny.
SpongeBob: (takes off his sunglasses) I also have something to say to him. (walks over to Patrick) Patrick, we may have been friends for 15 years, but during that time, we were at even levels of coolness. But now, I'm one of the coolest kids around, and you...are a pitiful sock.
Patrick: A pitiful what?
SpongeBob: (taking off his BFF ring and drops it onto the ground) Patrick, I am ending our friendship.
Patrick: Wha...What?! You mean, we're not gonna be Best Friends Forever?!
SpongeBob: See if this gives ya a clue.

He then stomped on the ring, smashing it.

Patrick: You... You smashed your ring... This is dumb... This is madness‼
Pablo the Dolphin: (suddenly walks over) Madness... THIS IS PABLO‼ (walks away)
Patrck: What the heck was that?
Darry: Patrick, I now wonder if you still belong in this society of coolness and love. We're gonna have to split. (as they walk away) I'd like to say "See ya around", but...I don't think we will. Plus, it's just so geeky.

Patrick sat there for a few minutes after they walked away.

Patrick: I don't beleive it. My own best friend ditched me. I EVEN GOT DISSED BY AN OUTSIDE FAN CHARACTER‼ (crying) How low have I sunk?!

Geeky Larry walked over, now with shaking legs and a nasally geeky voice with a lateral lisp.

Geeky Larry: Hey, I know how you feel. Shince your porifera friend remarked that comment towards me,my cM level has massively declined from an impressive 9.6 to a measly 1.9!
Patrick: Dude, get out of here already.

*black-cut to Patchy segment*

Inside the house, we see Potty flying around the house looking for Patchy. He was carrying a bag of dirty socks.

Potty: Rawk, Patchy! Come out, come out, wherever you are! Rawk!

The camera moved up to reveal that Patchy was hiding in the ceiling beams.

Patchy: Oh, hey kids! Potty and I have gotten into a bit of a "squabble". But that'll all be over once I beat Potty at his own game.

We see he is holding the rope to lower a wooden crate full of tomatoes hanging from the ceiling. A target was painted onto the floor.

Patchy: Once I let go of this rope, it will release this crate of tomatoes down below onto Potty, once he lands on that target. And then, he'll be vegetable stew! Heh-heh-heh! (pause) Huh? What? (pause) What do you mean it's a fruit? (pause) Since when? Eh, never mind. Oh, ssh! Here he comes!

Potty fluttered on top of the target.

Potty: Rawk! What in the name of Patchy is this? Squawk!

Patchy let go of the rope, and the crate splattered onto Potty, burying him in the squashed tomato.

Potty: (gurgling from underneath) Squawk...
Patchy: Ah-hah-hah-hah! Now we can finally continue on with the show!

We see Patchy's wing under the squash. It gently lowered onto the ground, followed by a faint gurgled squawk.

Patchy: (gasp) No. No! By crushing him udner that crate of tomatoes...I'VE KILLED POTTY‼ (starts slamming his fist on the beam) No! No! No! N...

Just then, the beam broke, and Patchy fell to the floor, a section of the roof caving in over him. He immediately got up and threw away the crate. He then wiped away all the squished tomato, but Potty was no longer underneath.

Patchy: Huh? Potty? Potty? Where'd he...

Just then, an egg cracked on his army helmet. He looked up. Potty was fluttering above him.

Potty: Rawk!
Patchy: Potty! You're alive! Oh, what a relief.
Potty: Squawk. This food fight ain't over, honey.
Patchy: Oh, you bet it's not over, parrot.

He hurled some half-squished tomatoes at Potty, but he dodged every one. He sqawked and then dropped an egg onto Patchy's face.

Patchy: We'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools. (lies down, sighing)

Next scene: Rendevouz In Subspace Resortsery
 
THIS IS IMPORTANT! IF YOU READ THE PREVIOUS SCENE, YOU MUST ALSO READ THIS ALTERNATE ENDING I CAME UP WITH FOR THE SCENE WITH PATCHY. I CAN'T EDIT MY POST NOW, SO I'M PLACING IT HERE.

Potty: Squawk. This food fight ain't over, honey.
Patchy: Oh, you bet it's not over, parrot.

He hurled some half-squished tomatoes at Potty, but he dodged every one.

Potty: Rawk! Now it's time for my trick!
Patchy: Huh?

Potty pulled a string, releasing a crate of watermeleons, which splattered onto Patchy. He fell to the ground.

Patchy: (wiping some of the watermeleon off his face) We'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools. (lies down, sighing)
Click to expand...
Next scene: Rendevouz In Subspace Resortsery
 
:lol: That was funny and also sad. I liked the "Pablo" part. :)

Wait, the name "Patrico" was mentioned in this part, was that another tribute/reference to "Mr. SquarePants' Holiday"? :) :)
 
Oooh, I did not see it coming when SpongeBob smashed the ring. And when Pablo showed up, I laughed out loud.
 
Scene number: 8
Scene name: Rendevouz In Subspace Resort-sery!

Patrick sat depressingly on his rock. jellyfish swam by, and there was a pleasant breeze.

Patrick: I don't believe it. My best friend turns cool and ditches me! Although...that would be a good name for a movie.

*cheesy movie poster appears for My Best Friend Turns Cool and Ditches Me!, featuring the tagline "Coming Soon to a Theater Very Very Far Away From You"*

Patrick: *sigh*

A green-skinned man walked over.

Green-skinned man: Go to the resort Kevin's staying at, and ask him to tell you how to reserve the machine's process.
Patrick: (gasp) That's a great idea! Thank you, innocent bystander!
Green-skinned man: For the last time Patrick, I am the director and you need to start reading the script!
*zooms out to show the cameras filming and the spotlights*
Patrick: Oh. Okay. Umm...but I don't know where Kevin is.
Director: (hands him a phonebook) "So, I will use this phonebook to find out where my target is. Hah-hah!"
Patrick: (grabs the phonebook) Yeah, right. I need it.

He flipped through the pages until he finally found Kevin's name.

Patrick: (reading) "Kevin the Sea Cucumber. Currently residing at: 1993 Cool Street...SUBSPACE RESORT-SERY?!" Then I'll have to go for hours! But hours is a really long time.
Director: (reading the script to him) "But no matter! I must make sacrafices for my best friend! And I'm off!"
Patrick: Hold that thought. I'll be right back.

Patrick then went through a parody of this clip (at 1:58-2:16 seconds) until he suddenly gasped.

Patrick: No...It can't be...

We then see what appears to be the Statue of Liberty buried in the snow, a reference to all those films.

Patrick: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! No-no-no-no!

He walked over and pulled it out, revelaing it was actually a miniature toy, albeit broken into pieces.

Patrick: Who would break such a priceless figurine?! It's unpossible‼ (cries; stops) Hey look, I'm here.

We see that the toy was underneath a sign saying, "Welcome to the Subspace Resort-sery -- The Complete Opposite of Your Typical Sunny Vacation"

*blizzard transition*

We are now looking at the outside of Kevin's resort home (click here). His lawn is obviously artificial, since nothing looks like it'd be able to grow in such a blizzard.

Kevin: (from inside) Patrick, listen, I am a perfectionist.

We now see inside the house. Kevin is at his fireplace with a book entitled, "Coolness of the Last French Sunshine".

Patrick: (shivering) If you're a perfectionist, why are you living in such a cold environment?
Kevin: Now that is where I get ahead of the game. By living here, I become physically cool. So it's almost like I'm twice as cool.
Patrick: Well, that explains your trademark cold shoulder. Am I cool?
Kevin: (ponders) Physically, yes. Psychologically...eh...you seem to be slippin' a bit.
Patrick: (grabs onto Kevin's legs) That's why I came‼ I'M TURNING INTO A NERD‼ (starts crying)
Kevin: Get off my leg if you wanna keep that remaining cM level you still have, which probably can't be higher then 3.5 at this point.
Patrick: You don't understand! Your machine turned SpongeBob into a coolness vampire, and he's sucking the coolness out of me! *imitates sucking sound*
Kevin: *snaps fingers* Fish paste. I thought I fixed that glitch.
Patrick: It's a glitch? If you thought you fixed it, why does it say it in the manual I read?
Kevin: (closes his book) Okay, first of all, if you did actually read that, your cM level...
Patrick: ...went down one. I know. The book said that.
Kevin: Secondly, I had that manual made during the machine's beta stages, before I had patched the system. Looks like the patch didn't work after all.
Patrick: (reads manual again) "...gradually increasing the subject's cM level. I shall work further to remove this glitch so other innocent cM levels are not threatened."
Kevin: By the way, your cM level went down by .5 for reading that thing again.
Patrick: *grunts*
Kevin: But Patrick, listen. I'm a perfectionist. Let me illustrate this with some of my past.

FLASHBACK
We see a slighty younger Kevin, with his stalk still on his head. His brown pants from I'm Your Biggest Fanatic were also being worn. He was walking down a sidewalk, kicking a can.

Kevin narrator: You see, back in the rough days of 2010, I noticed the one downside to cool people...such as myself.

We see a trio of cool men walking down the street. Kevin watched them.

Kevin narrator: Cool people have a sole weakness that can instantly take away their coolness. For some, it's simply getting dirty. For others, it's...ice cream.

The ice cream truck stopped nearby.

One of the cool men: Hey dudes, look! Ice cream!

The cool men immediately took off their cool clothes, revealing beanie caps and geeky shirts underneath. They ran up to the ice cream, acting all giddy. Kevin just watched, stunned.
END FLASHBACK

Kevin: My goal was to create a door for the average nerd. I wanted to populate the world with cool people. The Coolinator-9000 does indeed make people artificually cool, but the advantage of that is the coolness cannot be weakened. The coolness shall hail on within the righteous "cool robot".

Patrick stared, dumbfounded.

Kevin: In short terms, nothing can make SpongeBob less cool, I cannot help you. (gets up, puts on some sunglasses, and pulls out a tanning screen) Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going outside to get a tan.

Patrick started to say something, but hesitated.

Patrick: I...don't wanna know. (starts walking away; tosses a magazine to Kevin) By the way, here's this month's issue of Bikini Bottom Stars & Shapes from your mailbox.
Kevin: (catches the magazine) Ah, good. *starts reading it; gasps* HOLY ::dolphin noise::‼ STOP THE WORLD, MAN‼ :yawn:

The Earth immediately stopped rotating and stood still.

Patrick: (running over) What?
Kevin: *is speechless*
Patrick: (reading) "We the staff of Bikini Bottom Stars & Shapes magazine offically acknowledge in this June issue SpongeBob SquarePants as the Coolest Guy in Bikini Bottom, shattering Kevin the Sea Cucumber's 29-month record.
Kevin: (inhales) THAT IS THE LAST STRAW‼
Patrick: (taking a straw out of an otherwise empty box) Darn right it is. (inserts the starw into a drink lid and starts drinking from it)
Kevin: He can take my place as the leader of the Jellyspotters, he can get my stalk ripped off, but when he is suddenly cooler then me, then it's time to BURNINATE!!!
Patrick: (smackig his lips) Is this Baja Blast? 'Cause it tastes like Baja Blast.
Kevin: Patrick, we have got to turn SpongeBob back into the nerd that everyone loves for reasons I still can't figure out.
Patrick: You're right. (takes another sip) But how are we gonna get all the way back? I'm still pooped form running all the way here. And that blizzard's really starting to pick up.
Kevin: No need to worry. We'll take the shortcut.

They jumped onto the bubble transition as it carried the scene into Squidward's home. Squidward and Phillip G. Plankton (from A Walk in the Sponge) were startled upon their appearance.

Squidward: GAH!
Phillip G. Plankton: Great merciful heavens!
Squidward: How did you nerds get in here?
Kevin: Oops, wrong scene. (to Squidward) By the way, you lack the authority to label me a nerd.

They jumped on a second bubble transition, which transported them onto a generic street in Bikini Bottom.

Patrick: Alright, you go get the machine ready, I'll go find SpongeBob.
Kevin: Got it.

Kevin ran left whilst Patrick ran right. They then turned around.

Patrick: SpongeBob's that way.
Kevin: His house is that way.

They ran in the opposite direction.

*bubble transition to next scene*

Next scene: It's Over 9000‼
 
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