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Squidville

(SpongeBob screams in excitement as he runs down Conch Street with a package. He runs into Patrick who is also holding a package with a similar shape.)
SpongeBob: Patrick, look! I got my-
(He sees Patrick's package and gasps. He unwraps his package that contains a reef blower. Patrick unwraps his, revealing a flowerpot. SpongeBob laughs.)
SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Patrick. It's just for a second I thought-
(Patrick is now holding an identical reef blower. The two put them on like backpacks.)
Patrick: Hey! You got the same leaf blower as me!
(Patrick blows some wind from his reef blower at SpongeBob.)
Patrick: Tag! You're it!
(SpongeBob laughs. Him and Patrick start running around in circles playing tag. Patrick blows away a soda can and laughs. SpongeBob blows away a "SandBob" and hops into his socks that SandBob was using and laughs. Patrick switches the blower from ‘Blow' to ‘Suck.' Patrick sucks away the stripes on SpongeBob's pineapple house.)
SpongeBob: Patrick! You made my house sparkling clean!
Patrick: Sure did!
SpongeBob: We haven't improved Squidward's day yet! Let's do his house!
(Patrick sucks up Squidward's Easter Island Head house's nose and laughs.)
SpongeBob: My turn!
(SpongeBob sucks up a porthole eye. Squidward opens the other porthole window, wearing a purple headband and leotard.)
Squidward: What is going on out here?
SpongeBob: We're playing with our new reef blowers!
Squidward: Playing? With a reef blower? That is the most childish thing I have ever heard of.
SpongeBob: But it's fun!
Squidward: Fun? How could playing with one of those oversized hair dryers possibly be fun?
Patrick: Like this!
(Patrick sucks away the window, leaving Squidward's nose sticking out of the house where his window used to be. He pulls it in and rubs it.)
Squidward: Chafed.
(Squidward opens his front door.)
Squidward: Alright! That's en-
(His door is sucked off by Patrick.)
SpongeBob: Let's do your house, Patrick!
Patrick: Yeah!
(Both run over to Pat's rock, and they see Squidward digging a hole up out of the sand, tunneling away from his house. He gets so angry, smoke wafts up from his head.)
SpongeBob: Squidward, you're steaming! You're like a steamed vegetable, only smarter.
Squidward: Put my windows back!
SpongeBob: No problem, Squidward! We're on your side!
(Both point the ends of their reef blower tubes at Squidward's house and set the dial to 'Blow'.)
SpongeBob: Any second now…
(The nose, windows, and door fly out into Squidward's house and blow it into pieces of Squidward's house composed of volcanic rock as well as Squidward's possessions rain from the sky.)
Squidward: SpongeBob, this is the final straw. I am going to move so far away, that I will be able to brag about it. I would-
(He is hit with one of the pieces of his house.)
Squidward: I would rather tear out my brain stem, carry it into the middle of the nearest four-way intersection, and skip rope with it than go on living where I do now.
(Squidward's TV falls into the ground and turns on. On the television is an octopus like Squidward. He is in a suit and tie and has brown hair and stands in a happy location with a rainbow.)
Squid #1: Hi, there! Is this the final straw? Do you want to move so far away, that you can brag about it. Would you rather tear out your brain stem, walk out into the middle of the nearest three-way-
Squidward: Four-way!
Squid #1: -Four-way intersection and skip rope with it than continue living where you do now? Then move to-
(Static appears on the TV, and we see Patrick has the remote control.)
Patrick: I hate this channel.
Squidward: No, no!
(He fumbles for the remote and takes it before changing the channel back.)
Squid #1: -Tentacle Acres! Where happiness is just a suction cup away!
(He sticks two suction cups together and pulls them apart with a "pop". Later, at Tentacle Acres, Squidward walks up to a door with a golden gate with his possessions, including his clarinet, pieces of his music stand and a suitcase. He talks into an intercom on the door.)
Squidward: Hello?
Squid #2: Yes, can I help you?
Squidward: I'm here about the happiness. I'll be moving in now.
Squid #2: Are you alone?
Squidward: No. I mean, yes. There's nobody with me. Just peace and quiet.
Squid #2: Are you now, or have you ever been, a sponge?
Squidward: No.
Squid #2: What about a-
Squidward: Nope. No starfish. Just a regular, normal, peace-loving-
(The gate opens, revealing a whole neighborhood of Easter Island Heads. A rainbow arches over the town. Squidward is overjoyed when he sees squid life.)
Squidward: Heaven at last.
(He runs into another squid walking by.)
Squid #3: I've seen more alert people in a retirement home.
Squidward: Oh. This way to the "living-without-a-brain" seminar! Don't be late!
Squid #3: I've heard better comebacks from a turkey sandwich. Get a life!
(As he walks away, Squidward glares at him, then brightens up.)
Squidward: This place is even better than I expected!
(Squidward walks down the road, reading off the house numbers.)
Squidward: 302, 303, and 304. Beautiful. And not a pineapple in sight.
(He walks inside and shuts the door. Later that night, Squidward is in his pajamas and bunny slippers, going to bed. His clarinet is in bed next to him.)
Squidward: Good night, Clarie. Tomorrow, we begin life anew.
(The phone rings, making Squid jump. He picks up the receiver.)
Squidward: 304, New Life street! Squidward speaking.
(He hears SpongeBob babbling on the other end.)
Squidward: There is no way I am moving back there, SpongeBob. I am finally among my own kind.
(More garbling from SpongeBob.)
Squidward: Now goodbye!
(He hangs up.)
Patrick: Blid blarbloo bardid vloogadid?
SpongeBob: Blo. Blibliblididiladbigi.
(The next day, Squidward walks out of his house and inhales.)
Squidward: Ahh. I think I'll take my bike today.
(He takes his bike and rides down the street.)
Squidward: I'm my own man.
(He runs into the back tire of a squid on a bike in front of him. He sees that he is riding in a line of bike riders.)
Squidward: Now these neighbors know how to live.
(Later, Squidward parks his bike in front of a store called "Full of Health" and walks down an aisle.)
Squidward: Intensive. Hmm… I bet they won't have-
(He gasps and grabs a can.)
Squidward: They have it!
(The can is labeled "Canned Bread! Best Thing Since Sliced!")
Squidward: Canned bread! This town is great!
(He walks out of the store with a grocery bag.)
Squidward: I would really be impressed if it had- an interpretive dance academy!?!
(He sees they have one and runs in wearing a headband and leotard and begins dancing happily with other Squids, who are also dancing.)
Squidward: Yeah! It's even better in a group!
(Later, Squidward is walking down the street.)
Squidward: This town is perfect.
(He sees three clarinet players in a gazebo.)
Squidward: A clarinet trio?
(He joins them, playing Claire. The next day, Squidward walks out and breathes the fresh air, mimicking the second day he arrived.)
Squidward: Ahh, another great day.
(He rides his bike down the street and runs into the same bike line as earlier.)
Squidward: Oh, look! Everybody's on their bike today.
(He wheels his bike to the "Full of Health" store, puts it on the bike rack, and picks up another can of canned bread. Cut to him dancing at the academy.)
Squidward: It just gets better and better!
(Cut to him in the gazebo.)
Squidward: All together!
(The clarinet players all play. The next day, he walks out of his house, rides his bike, picks up another can, dances, and plays his clarinet. He repeats this the next day. And the next, and the next, and the next. Squidward appears to get less and less happy with his new life. He ends up stopping playing his clarinet at sunset as usual, obviously bored with it.)
Squidward: I sort of... don't feel like playing my clarinet today.
(He walks home. The next day, Squid sits on a bench in Squid Park, depressed.)
Squidward: Yep, this is great. They might as well rename this town "Squidward's Paradise"! ...Or perhaps... too much paradise.
(He hears a blowing noise and raises his head excitedly.)
Squidward: SpongeBob?
(He sees that it was only a squid blowing the leaves with it. The squid then walks off, leaving a sign next to the reef blower reading "Back whenever." Squidward is tempted by the opportunity, but dismisses it. He goes over and touches it, giggling. He whistles nonchalantly, and knocks off the sign, obviously intentionally.)
Squidward: Oops.
(He then picks up the hose and switches the dial to ‘Suck.' His nose gets sucked up, and he switches it back to ‘Blow,' releasing his nose, which floats over the nozzle. A woman squid stands by him.)
Squid #4: Ahem.
(Squidward pretends to be paying attention and goes to the grass.)
Squidward: Uhh... Just getting the leaves.
(She walks away. Squidward takes the blower back to the bench and blows the wind onto his face, stretching it up. He blows on his eyelids. He chuckles. He puts the nozzle under his shirt, inflating it. He chuckles. He then points the nozzle to the left and is blown to the other side of the bench. He points the nozzle to the right and is blown himself off the bench. He bellylaughs loudly, now, which gets to two squids playing croquet.)
Squid #5: Would you pipe down over there, iron lung?
(The two start laughing, and as they do, their heads rise and fall. Squidward sucks up the croquet balls and the man's croquet stick which he was leaning on, causing him to fall to the ground. Squidward laughs.)
Squidward: Looks like when it comes to having fun, you don't have a leg to stand on!
(He laughs as the woman helps the man up.)
Squid #5: Hey! That's not funny!
Squid #6: Yeah!
(Another Squidward walks by with a clarinet.)
Squid #7: What's going on over here?
(The lady points at Squidward.)
Squid #5: It's that guy! He's playing with a leaf blower!
Squid #7: Playing? With a leaf blower? That's the most childish thing I've ever heard of!
Squidward: But it's fun!
(The squid with the clarinet laughs.)
Squid #7: How could you possibly have fun with one of those oversized hair dryers?
Squidward: Like this!
(Squidward sucks up the squid's clarinet, and it gets stuck in the hose, playing sour notes, making the squid scream.)
Squid #7: Give it back! Please!
(Squidward blows it back at him. It lands in his face. Squidward laughs and runs off. He approaches a squid on a bike and sticks the nozzle to the bike wheel.)
Squidward: Tag! You're it!
(He blows on it, inflating the squid's head instead of the wheel. Squidward laughs and runs away. Cut to a snack stand called ‘Le Café' where two squids walk up to it.)
Squid #8: What can I get you boys?
(Squidward opens a door on the stand and sucks up the two squids' eyes and noses and blows two sets of eyes on one squid and two noses on the other guy. Squidward runs off laughing.)
Squid #9: What are you looking at?
Squid #10: Those.
(Meanwhile, SpongeBob and Patrick approach Squidville.)
SpongeBob: Here it is, Patrick. Now we've just got to convince Squidward to come back home. You got the apology cake?
(Patrick pulls a cake that says ‘Sorry.' on it from behind him. When he puts it back, he turns around to reveal a bulge in his pants.)
SpongeBob: We're ready!
Patrick: Yay.
(SpongeBob pushes the button on the intercom.)
Squid #2: Hello, can I help you?
Patrick: Can I get a large #1, extra size?
SpongeBob: But you just ate three orders of fried oyster skins.
(Green smoke emerges from Patrick's mouth as he opens it. The bad breath wafts through the intercom.)
Patrick: I love fried oyster skins.
(Inside the watchtower, the guard squids see SpongeBob and Patrick on one of his security camera monitors.)
Squid #2: We're sorry, but your kind isn't allowed here. (To other guard) He's not leaving, Orville. You got your night stick ready?
(The two smell Patrick's breath that comes from the intercom and gasp.)
Orville: Fried oyster skins!?!
(The two faint, and a squid falls on a button, opening the gate.)
Patrick: I guess we've got to order inside.
(Meanwhile, a happy Squidward sucks the noses off of many houses while running by.)
SpongeBob: Hey! That looked like Squidward!
(An angry mob of squids runs past them.)
SpongeBob: That looked like Squidward also, in angry mob form!
(Squidward reaches a dead end.)
Policesquid: Hold it right there, Mr. Tentacles!
Squidward: Stand back! I've got gardening tools!
(The policesquid hands him a letter.)
Policesquid: Here! Just read this!
(Squidward reads it, not comprehending.)
Squidward: What is it?
Policesquid: A well-thought-out and organized list of complaints!
(Pat and Sponge appear.)
SpongeBob: Patrick, look! It's Squidward!
(He runs up to a squid and hugs him, only to reveal that he's a different squid with a similar orange-brown shirt and mustache.)
SpongeBob: Squidward! We finally found you!
(The squid peels SpongeBob off of him.)
Squid #11: Get off me! I'm not Squidward!
(Long pause of awkward silence.)
Patrick: Are you Squidward now?
Squidward: Grievances! This town is a grievance! There should be a law against so many stuck-up tightwads living in one place! This city needs to be destroyed!… or at least painted a different color.
Policesquid: FYI, you don't have to live here, you know!
Squidward: Hey, you're right! And I'm leaving ASAP!
(Meanwhile, SpongeBob and Patrick continue to search for Squidward.)
SpongeBob: Are you Squidward?
Squid #12: No.
SpongeBob: Are you Squidward?
Squid #5: No.
(Patrick walks up to a fire hydrant.)
Patrick: Are you Squidward?
Fire Hydrant: ...
Patrick: That's OK, take your time.
SpongeBob: Any one of these Squidwards can be the real Squidward, Patrick!
(The town shakes as Squidward turns the nozzle downwards to rocket the leaf blower out of Tentacle Acres. He laughs and cheers.)
Squidward: Freedom! Woo-hoo!
(SpongeBob and Patrick watch him fly over the gate and into freedom.)
SpongeBob: Well, we know one thing! It sure isn't that guy!
End