Back

Hello Bikini Bottom!

(episode starts at Squidward's house)
Squidward: (looks out window, drinks from cup) Maybe I'll…practice my clarinet.
Squidward: Ah-he-he-hem. (playing his clarinet)
Spongebob: (looking out window at Squidward) Kind of sounds like Squidward's practicing his clarinet over there. Doesn't it, Gary? Gary? Well, I can't just stand by and let him practice alone. Then what kind of a friend and neighbor would I be? Not that kind that I… (Spongebob takes out his guitar…would want.
(Squidward playing clarinet)
Spongebob: Hi neighbor!
(Spongebob and Squidward play together before Squidward notices him)
Squidward: (screaming)
Spongebob: Should we take it from the top?
Squidward: The day I am willing to practice my musical art with you is the day I grow hair on my…(notices a fish applauding)
Colonel Carper: Like bravo man! Bravo!
Squidward: And who might you be?

---------------
I'm glad you asked I'll make it perfectly clear
I'm the guy you made smile from ear to ear.
'Cause a sweet sounds coming from this here direction
The entire ocean should hear!

Now what I am proposing to you
is something I feel that is my duty to do.
I'm not just an admiring passer-by,
I wanna be your concert-promoting-manager guy!

Squidward: Are you serious? Is this a dream?
Colonel Carper's the name I think we make a great team!
You and your musical compadre up there,
are the next big thing I do solemnly swear!

So…What are we waiting for?
It's high tide time we go on tour!
Together we'll set sail on a magical musical journey,
where we'll play for at least a trillion and that guy on that gurney.

Screaming fans will instantly clap their hands for more,
as you fly through the air, doing your fourth encore!
And remember to bring your rake,
'cause only knows the money we'll make!

Mr. Krabs: Did someone say money? I could swear that's what I heard,
I got super sensitive hearing when it comes to that word!
Squidward: Yes, he said money, but more importantly he said fans!
And not the type that blows air when you're feeling too hot,
the type that wants your autograph on everything they've got!

Fish: Signature, Mr. Tentacles?

Spongebob: And I heard the word "team"
Which is special to me
‘Cause through the power of music
There's no way we won't get
To bond together in this special duet

Sooo…What are we waitin' for
It's high tide time we went on tour!

Squidward: Uh, excuse me, is there any way I could do this tour as a soloist?
Hmm, let me think about that for a second…
No, whatsoever!

The tour must consist
And I do persist
Of the tall one with halitosis,
And the square one with the the talented wrist.

Squidward: A dream wrapped in pain,
I don't know whether to smile or pout.
Mr. Krabs: Excuse me Colonel,
I'll be taking over from here on out.

But it was I who discovered
This soon-to-be famous pair
And I'm the one who knows what it takes
To get them there

You'll need a tour bus, venues, you've got to build a buzz
You need equipment and roadies too
I'm the expert of all things concert promotionally speaking
You have no inkling you have no clue

Mr. Krabs: Thanks for all the great tips, I think you should be on your way.
Goodbye, Colonel Carper, have a nice day!

Sooo…What are we waitin' for?
It's high tide time we went on tour!
---------------

Mr. Krabs: Up and at ‘em boys! We got a tour to put on!
(cuts to the gang at Mrs. Puffs bus)
Mrs. Puff: (appears from under the bus) Phew…changing the oil in the school bus-mobile sure is a pain in the…(bus makes a noise)…What? (she is sprayed with oil as the bus leaves) STOP! THEIF!
(Mr. Krabs is seen driving the bus. He stops in front of the Krusty Krab and enters)
Mr. Krabs: Morning Squidward! (grabs ladder and wooden beam, removing the microphone) Tour bus, sound equipment, check! All I need now is a…roadie? Now where in Neptune how I'm ever gonna find…
Patrick: (enters the room holding a boat) Somebody left this thing laying around the parking lot.
Mr. Krabs: Roadie! Check!
(cuts to the Ned and the Needlefish concert, the bus arrives)
Mr. Krabs: Here we are boys! Our first gig! All those people are lined up to see you!
Squidward: Sounds like a load of hooey…
Mr. Krabs: Alright roadie, start unloading the hooey! (Mr. Krabs walks off the bus with Patrick)
Patrick: (holding the speaker) Uh, Mr. Krabs? Where do I put this?
Mr. Krabs: (writing) Anywhere is fine.
Patrick: Then what about this? (holding the same speaker as before)
SpongeBob: Hey! Look! It's Ned and the Needlefish!
(Ned and the Needlefish walk off the bus and into the crowd)
Colonel Carper: Well, well, well! If it isn't that guy that stole my band! I hope you all aren't here to steal THIS band, too! Because THIS time around, I'll be ready for ya!
Mr. Krabs: Well that's very interesting Colonel Carper! But right now, my band and I are on a world tour! And tonight we're opening for Ned and the Needlefish!
Colonel Carper: (laughing)
Mr. Krabs: Yeah…eh, what's so funny!?
Colonel Carper: You are! And the fact that YOU think you have any idea what it takes to put on a musical tour!
Mr. Krabs: We have a tour bus, sound equipment, a roadie!
Colonel Carper: You call THAT a tour bus? (walks to Patrick) You call THIS sound equipment? That's not a roadie, THESE are roadies! (shows two large, muscular fish next to Mr. Krabs)
Mr. Krabs: (screams)
Colonel Carper: I'll tell you what, I'll let you open for Ned and the Needlefish on one condition: My roadies get to sabotage your sound equipment and have it blow up during your soundtrack!
Mr. Krabs: Wait a minute…what's that gonna cost me?
Colonel Carper: Oh, that will be free!
Mr. Krabs: (shakes Carper's fin) Deal!
(cuts to the stage)
Mr. Krabs: Ok Mr. Squidward. Take it from the top! (Squidward plays a note, breaking the sound equipment) Dog-gone-it…
Colonel Carper: (laughing) Now you don't have ANY sound equipment! Unlike me who has this ENTIRE wall of speakers you see right behind me! Now your whole tour is RUINED! (Mr. Krabs pushing away all the sound equipment) Seriously! I can't! I can't take it! It''s too much! (still laughing)
(cuts to the tour bus)
SpongeBob: It sure was nice of that Colonel Carper guy to let us borrow his entire wall of sound equipment! Wasn't it Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Well, here we are! Our next gig! (cuts to a supermarket)
Squidward: We're performing at a supermarket!? Driver, turn this bus around! The tour is canceled! Head straight back to the Krusty Krab!
Mr. Krabs: Sorry Squidward but that is physically impossible!
Squidward: What!?
Mr. Krabs: Because it's not there anymore!
SpongeBob: The Krusty Krab's not there anymore!? Where'd it go?
Mr. Krabs: I pawned it! To raise the cash for the concert tour!
SpongeBob: YOU DID WHAT!?!?
Mr. Krabs: Yeah…hard to believe, I know! My heart aches when I think of me old girl cold and lonely. Just sitting in the front window of that dirty pawn shop at the mercy of any random joe who just happens to pass on by.
(scene changes to the Pawn Shop)
Plankton: (notices Krusty Krab for sale) Gasp! Hopping Hamburger Stands! I gotta go home and get my wallet!
Squidward: It's not even my restaurant and somehow I regret that decision…
Mr. Krabs: Hey! Now quit your worrying back there! With the success we're about to have, we'll be able to buy ten Krusty Krabs!
(cuts to Spongebob and Patrick on stage)
Squidward: A one! And a two! And a one, two, three, four! (customers all dancing) Thank you! Thank you very much! (fish leaving) Oh come on! Nothing!?
Mr. Krabs: What a happy celebration!
Supermarket Manager: I most certainly agree!
Mr. Krabs: Thank you Mr…(reading the Crabs name tag)…Supermarket Manager.
Supermarket Manager: Here you go! (gives Mr. Krabs a piece of paper)
Mr. Krabs: What's this? Our pay check?
Supermarket Manager: Nope! It's a bill! (leaves)
Mr. Krabs: WHAT!?
(cuts to the Shady Shoals Retirement Home)
Squidward: You're kidding me, right!? We're performing at a retirement home!?
Mr. Krabs: Oh don't worry Squidward! These geezers really know how to party!
Squidward: (sarcastic tone) Oh yeah…they got one foot in the rave. Heh heh…reaper jerks!
(scene changes to the band on a stage with multiple fish attending)
Squidward: Two, three, four! (notices another fish arrives) Two, three, four! (they start playing until they are interrupted by an elderly fish)
Elderly Fish: Too loud! You're playing too loud!
SpongeBob: Sorry sir.
Squidward: Ok, two, three, four… (start playing quietly)
Elderly Fish: Too loud! Still too loud! (Squidward plays a single note) Still too loud! (they put their hands in the air) TOO LOUD! (they put their instruments down) TOO LOUD! (they walk off) Too…LOUD!
(cuts to the tour bus)
Squidward: Supermarket openings, retirement homes! What's next a child's birthday party! (they get off the bus and go to a birthday party) This is our WORST gig yet: Children's parties! Well if this is the way this tour is being organized, then I would like to…OW! (kid mistakes him for a donkey, pins the tail on him) I AM NOT DONKEY-FISH!!!
(cuts to them on the tour bus again)
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, how much farther is it to the next town?
Mr. Krabs: (reading a map) Uh…not too much farther Squidward! Uh…oh in fact, we're just entering it now! (turns to a sign which says "Next Town")
Squidward: Well if this concert is anywhere near terrible as the other ones, then it's gonna be my last! (Mr. Krabs parks at the Electronics Outhouse) What the…Electronics Outhouse!? Good bye! (attempts to leave, but Mr. Krabs closes the door in his face)
Mr. Krabs: This ain't our next concert!
Squidward: Well then, where is it!?
Mr. Krabs: It's uh…uh…um…(they notice a crowd going to a stadium) Well it's right over there obviously! (drives to a stadium that says "Ned and the Needlefish today") I'll just leave the three of you right here to set up! I some important tour management business to attend to if you know!
Squidward: Hold it! This better not be one of your tricks Mr. Krabs!
(Mr. Krabs leaves, and goes to the sign that says "next town." He puts a sign on the sign)
Band Member 1: Hey look, man! (notices the sign that says their name) "Ned and the Needlefish, Next Turn."
Ned: Whoa…it's like a sign from….sign man…(stops at the Electronic Outhouse) Wow…we have really moved down in the world…
(scene cuts to the stadium)
SpongeBob: Isn't this the most exciting experience in your entire life Squidward?
Squidward: Yeah…I've never thought I get to perform for so many fans!
SpongeBob: Oh? Are there people showing up?
Squidward: Isn't that…what you were talking about? (the stage opens up and he is smiling) Ah…just soak on in Squiddy old boy! Pretty invigorating isn't it? Wait a minute…why are they chanting "Ned and the Needlefish?"
SpongeBob: No, can't you hear them Squidward? They're saying Squidward and SpongeBob! Squidward and SpongeBob! Squidward and SpongeBob! Squidward… (the light turns on, crowd stops cheering)
Harold: That does not look like Ned and the Needlefish! (crowd booing)
Squidward: Wait! I know what you came here for! (both playing their instrument) Well?
Harold: CHASE THEM OFF THE STAGE!
(Spongebob and Squidward run away. Cuts to the outhouse)
Man: Excuse me? Could one of you show me how to use this multimeter?
Ned: Uh…he probably can… (points to a band member)
Man: Thanks. (shows multimeter to band member)
(cuts to the Colonel Carper)
Colonel Carper: MR. KRABS!
Mr. Krabs: (puts on fake mustache) Do I know you?
Colonel Carper: (blows off the mustache) COLONEL CARPER!!!
Mr. Krabs: Were we in the Navy together?
Colonel Carper: No we were not!!!
Mr. Krabs: Phew, that's good! Because for a second there I thought that we maybe…
Colonel Carper: …YOUR SHENANIGANS SIR ARE AT AN END! OH YES! And you will be receiving a friendly little phone call from my attorney! Because I am suing you for every last dime!
(cuts to Colonel's roadies taking back his sound equipment)
Mr. Krabs: Wait a minute! Where'd you think you're going with your own equipment!?
Patrick: Hey thanks again fellas! Nice guys like them don't come around much these days. They even redecorated the tour bus-mobile for us! (Mr. Krabs notices the bus says LOSERS)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!
‘Mr. Krabs: How'd the show go boy?
SpongeBob: Oh the crowd went wild sir!
Squidward: In fact, they're still going wild… (the crowd is still chasing them)
Mr. Krabs: Quick! On the bus! (they all drive away)
Squidward: Well, that wasn't a complete waste of time…Oh no wait, it was…
Mr. Krabs: (crying) Now I'll never get me ol' Krusty Krab out of hog!
SpongeBob: MR. KRABS!
(they swerve off the road and the bus falls off a cliff, they all get off)
Mr. Krabs: Good news boys! We only sustained a flat tire! Patrick, go get the spare lad!
Patrick: Uh…oh! Yeah, I can't.
Squidward: What do you mean you can't?
Patrick: Well…
Squidward: No no! Wait! Let me guess: You ate the spare tire?
Patrick: Wow…you're good at guessing…
SpongeBob: Patrick, why didn't you just ask me? (takes out a bag with multiple small tires) You know I always bring tiny, snack size tires for in-between meals! You know, I'm kinda hungry now actually. (eats one) Hmm…Squidward? They're fat free!
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, I'd like some money for cab fare.
Mr. Krabs: But Mr. Squidward!
Squidward: But nothing. I'm going home. Now put some cash in my hands so I…
Mr. Krabs: WAHHH!!!!! (crying) But I don't have any money lad! Not even a nickel! It's all gone! Me Krusty Krab is gone!!!
Squidward: (pushes him away) Forget it! I'll just walk! (starting to walk awa)
SpongeBob: Wait! Squidward! Squidward! You can't go! Please! Don't you see? The Krusty Krab needs us more than ever!
Squidward: I could care less what the Krusty Krab needs! (pushes him away) Now get out of my way! (walks into a cactus) Ow! Ow! OW! Ow…
SpongeBob: Squidward! Are you okay?
Squidward: Get your hands off me! (walks into more cacti) OW! (brushes himself off)
SpongeBob: Squidward?
Squidward: Don't…(walks off)

---------------
Squidward
You must look inward
And I'm sure that you will see
What an awesome band we still could be
Please don't quit on us now
I won't allow this to be our last bow
No no no
Nay nay nay
Never give up
Don't ever give up
We can't let Mr. Krabs go bankrupt
We must keep busy, never giving up

How did I know this plan was a failure from the start
Being around Spongebob is bad for my heart
And that's not even the worst part
Supermarkets, Retirement Homes, Birthday Parties for kids
My career in music really feels like it has hit the skids
I give up
There is no point, I give up
Mr. Krabs will have to go bankrupt
While I'm busy
Bitterly giving up

Don't you see
Mr. Krabs needs us terribly
We've got in us to be a huge success
You and I can't settle for less
I, promise I'd never shed this tear

It's getting really cold out here
And I'm 600 miles from home it would appear
And my feet are hurting, oh I fear, this tentacle-itis is pretty severe
Wah wah wah wah!
I should probably giving up
I'm giving up today
This is the part where I turn around and play

This is the part where I turn around and play!
Take a deep breath
In an emotional way
Because with my instrument is how I say
(both playing a tune when the song ends)
---------------

Squidward: Wow! That was actually, kinda good! (notices a crowd cheering)
Harold: Amazing!
Male Fish: Fantastic!
Mr. Krabs: Unbelieveable! They actually gathered a crowd! To think that all of these people came out to the middle of the desert to see Squidward and SpongeBob!
Patrick: Or…they came to see the meteor shower that passes through the Aurora Borealis generating a stunning, once-in-a-lifetime light show.
Crowd: (looking at the sky) Oh….ah….
Mr. Krabs: (sets up a stand) Thank you! Come again please! (puts money in a bag while laughing)
SpongeBob: Look! It's Mr. Krabs! Squidward and I just performed for a crowd of adoring fans!
Mr. Krabs: That's nice! I just made more money than I know what to do with!
Squidward: Well it looks like they could help you figure it out…
Mr. Krabs: Who? (notices a long line, reads the sign) Get Paid Back from Mr. Krabs Line starts here…
Narrator: One long angry line later…
Colonel Carper: Well well well! It looks like this is the end of the line for you! Both literally and Figuratively! Hah! Hah! Hah!
Mr. Krabs: Why'd I owe you money for!?
Colonel Carper: Well let's see: How about damaged sound equipment, loss revenue, and JUST BECAUSE!
Mr. Krabs: I don't owe you a nickel!
Colonel Carper: No! You owe me a MILLION nickels! Roadies! It's collecting time!
Mr. Krabs: Collecting time!? (gets grabbed by roadies who shake the money out of them)
Colonel Carper: (cheering) Okay boys, our time here is done! Lets go! (they drop Mr. Krabs and leave)
(cuts to the Pawn Shop)
Mr. Krabs: (sobbing) Well Krusty Krab, this is goodbye..(kisses the glass and cries more) WHY!? WHY!?
SpongeBob: Don't cry Mr. Krabs. Here! (takes out piggy bank) You can have the money for Gary's college fund if that would..(Mr. Krabs takes the money quickly and enters the Pawn Shop)…help…
Mr. Krabs: (takes the Krusty Krab and puts it on his boat) Well, SpongeBob! You ready to get back to doing what we do best?
SpongeBob: (puts on hat) I'm ready!
Mr. Krabs: That's me boy! (drives away)
Plankton: (wheels in lots of money) Hello sir! I'd like to purchase the Krusty Krab restaurant you have in your…where is it?
Pawn Shop Owner: Oh, sorry sir! I just sold it a minute ago! But we do have this slightly used Taco Stand for sale.
(Plankton looks shocked as the episode ends)
End