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Frozen Face-Off

Typed By: CowBob RanchPants

(A sign says "Bikini Bottom Breaking" inside the news room with Johnny the realistic fish head.)
Johnny: Bikini Bottom action news. Tonight's top story, a wealthy entrepreneur who wishes to remain anonymous (A picture behind Johnny shows an silhouette of a mysterious man.) is sponsoring this year's sleigh race. (There's a video of the race.) First prize, one million dollars. (There's a image of a bunch of cash.) All Bikini Bottom has entered, but only one hopeful will win. We join roving reporter Perch Perkins live at the scene.
(At the race's starting line, there's characters like Squidward and Sandy in the background.)
Perch Perkins: The tension's building up as the contestants line up to win the prize. (The camera shows more contestants like SpongeBob, Plankton, Karen, Mr. Krabs, Larry and Patrick in their sleighs.)
SpongeBob: Gary and I are going to try to win the money so Mr. Krabs can fix up the Krusty Krab. Right Gary?
Gary: Meow.
(Patrick's sleigh is just a crate.)
Patrick: I hear ya, I hope I win so I can buy all the Krabby Patties I want. Heh, good thing I brought out the heavy artillery. (We look down bellow and it's candy.) Gooey worms!
SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick those don't move.
Patrick: Sure they do. Giddy up! Yah! (He lifts the reigns up and they jump.) See?
Plankton: Hehehe, you don't stand a chase Krabs. Karen and I- I mean my worm and I are going to whip your tail fin. Right worm?
Karen: (with a picture of a worm on her monitor) Ruff, ruff.
Plankton: And with the prize money I'll topple the your restaurant empire once and for all!
Mr. Krabs: Ha, where fetching's money is involved, nobody topples me.
Guy on announcer: Contestants ready your sleds.
Perch Perkins: (walking up to Squidward's sleigh) Excuse me sir, how do you think you'll do in the race?
Squidward: (He takes Perch's microphone.) Hello out there Bikini Bottom, I'm glad I can finally talk to my adoring fans on television.
(Fred is intensely sleeping on a coach with popcorn everywhere at home in front of the TV.)
Perch Perkins: (grabs microphone) Best of luck to ya.. Oh excuse me miss. (He walks off.)
Guy on announcer: On your mark...
(Plankton is seen tiptoeing away from the race.)
Plankton: So long suckers. Heheheh.
Guy on announcer: Get set... Go.
(All of contestants quickly rush out except Patrick.)
Patrick: Come on wormies giddy up. (He cracks his reigns with no effect.) Hmm.
(The other contestants are in full speed.)
French narrator: (with time card) Meanwhile back in the lowlands.
(Plankton is inside the Krusty Krab as he looks outside the window. There's a sign that says "gone racin".)
Plankton: Alone at last! Hehe, now there's nothing between me and the secret formula. Hahahaha!
(Back in the tundra, everyone is pushing on.)
Mr. Krabs: Come on boys get me to the green backs.
Plankton: I think not old man. Turbo boost Karen. Aheheheh! (An engine propels them faster than the others and the impact forces snow onto Mr. Krabs. He blinks and then breaks out of it.)
Mr. Krabs: Noooo! I can't let him win.
(Sandy drives up next to him.)
Sandy: Don't worry he won't. (She presses a button on a remote.) I will. (The button causes her robotic worms to go faster passing them all.) Yee haw!
(Patrick runs to SpongeBob's sleigh.)
Patrick: (panting) Hi SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Hi Patrick. (SB looks down at him.) Where's your sleigh?
Patrick: I don't know. (He gobbles all his gooey worms in his hand.)
SpongeBob: Hop in we'll give you a lift.
(Patrick jumps in, causing Gary to break from the weight. He grows and struggles to pull them both.)
SpongeBob: Come on Gary.
(Back with Plankton at the Krusty Krab.)
Plankton: Hehehe! Aheheheu. (He merrily squeezes under to Mr. Krabs' office door and to the safe on his desk.) Hehehehehe! (He moves the handle of the safe but it's locked.) Locked?! (grunts) Good thing I brought this along. (He pulls out a cutting machine. When he puts it on the safe, the machine projects Plankton to the roof violently causing holes. This makes him yell. He falls down and cuts his antennas off by mistake.) Ow. I'm going to need something with more fire power.
(Cut back to the race and we see Sandy.)
Sandy: Woo wee, look's like I've lost them. (She presses the button again, but it short circuits.) The remote shorted out the robots are stuck in high gear. (They go faster and make the sleigh turn.) Wooooaaaaahh! (She lands in a pile of snow.)
Squidward: Those dimwits don't stand a chance against my imported worm. (The sleigh comes to a stop and the British worm appears to have stopped for a fancy drink. He sighs happily and drinks his cup.)
Squidward: Hey, what's the big idea?
British worm: Why I beg your pardon, it's tea time inin' it?
Squidward: (growling) I don't have time for this. (He gets off his sleigh and walks off.) Tea time of all the ridiculous concepts. (Squidward slides on a ice rink.) Daowowow! Wooooah! (The ice breaks and he falls into the water, getting frozen into a block.)
SpongeBob and Patrick: And we race, race, race down the snow, snow, snow.
Patrick: Wow look at that.
(They see Squidward frozen.)
SpongeBob: It's Squidward. Buddy. He doesn't look so hot. We better take him with us.
Patrick: Good idea.
(Gary meows in disappointment and Patrick puts Squidward on board. SpongeBob uses his reigns and Gary pushes them.)
SpongeBob and Patrick: And we race, race, race down the snow, snow, snow. And we race, race, race. Down the snow, snow, snow. And we race- (They hear someone moaning.)
SpongeBob: Patrick did you hear that?
Patrick: Yeah.
(They look at the top of a snow pile as it appears to be Sandy.)
SpongeBob and Patrick: Sandy?
(The next scene shows them all inside the sleigh.)
Sandy: (shivering) Th-thanks guys.
SpongeBob: No problem right Gare?
(Gary is barely pushing them along and stops for a second.)
Gary: Meow me-eow. (He continues.)
(Back with Krabs.)
Mr. Krabs: (in a tune) Sniff out the money little guys. Come on, mush!
(The worms' stomachs growl and they look angry at him.)
Krabs: Woah woah woah, wait a minute I was gonna feed ya. Honest.
(They get angrier and bark.)
SpongeBob, Patrick and Sandy: And we race, race, race down the snow, snow, snow. And we race-
Mr. Krabs: Heeeelp!
SpongeBob: Hi Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: I've been just turned into lunch meat by me own worms. (He points to them rapidly coming towards them all.)
SpongeBob: Aaaah! Hop in sir. We'll get you out of here.
Mr. Krabs: (He gets in.) Much appreciated boy.
(The ride quickly tries speeds away from them. They all shout at Gary to go faster.)
Gary: Meeeeeoow.
(They should it again.)
Gary: Meeeeoow.
All: Fasteeeeer!
(Gary grunts and heads for a dead end mountain. He stops and paints heavily.)
SpongeBob: It's a dead end.
(The worms come closer and they all scream. Gary let's out a ferocious roar, whimpering them away.)
Gary: Meow.
(They all cheer.)
SpongeBob: Woo! You go Gary!
(This loud applause causes an avalanche blocking their only way out.)
Mr. Krabs: Great, now we're trapped.
(The next part shows them all around a tiny fire from Patrick's snow cap.)
Mr. Krabs: Good thinking squirrel this should keep us alive for at least (gulp) a few more hours. Oooh.
Patrick: (shivering) It-it's ssss-so cold.
(SpongeBob's nose and Patrick's eyelids break off. Gary goes inside his shell for a warm fire and drink. Mr. Krabs' lips shatter off too and he says some gibberish.)
SpongeBob: Hey how about a campfire song?
(Squidward melts from his ice chamber.)
Squidward: Grrrr, no singing!
All: Squidward!
(SpongeBob, Patrick and Sandy go up to hug him.)
Squidward: Alright. Alright! (He pushes them off.) Somebody get me a blanket. (SpongeBob hands him one.)
Mr. Krabs: H-hey Squidward. What's with the extra foot buddy? (He points down.)
Squidward: Huh? (He sees a giant tentacle below his others.) This isn't mine... (The tentacle moves up.) Wooooah!
(The snow wall explodes and we see a giant snow monster roar. The cast all scream.)
Mr. Krabs: Not you again.
(The monster opens its' mouth and plunges its' tongues near them.)
Sandy: Ha blinded snow vermit, ya missed.
Mr. Krabs: That weren't the attack.
Sandy: Huh?
(The monster scoops snow with its' tongues and brings it back to the mouth.)
Mr. Krabs: Hit the deck! Aaaaah!
(The monster spews the large icicles at them. Mr. Krabs hides before the creature can get him.)
Gary: Mew!
SpongeBob: (gasps) Gary! (He lunges himself upside down in front of the snail and rejects the icicles from his pours. Everyone else hides but Squidward who runs away.)
Squidward: Aaaaahh! (He falls into ice water.) Oh no not again. (He freezes and floats to the surface again.)
Mr. Krabs: She's reloadin' now's our chance to scram.
(They run off somewhere safe with the sleigh.)
SpongeBob: What is that formidable creature?
Mr. Krabs: That me boy is no other then the Abominable Snow Mollusk.
SpongeBob: I thought that was just a myth.
Mr. Krabs: Oh I assure you she's no myth, she's as real as Santy Claus. 'Twas back when I was a young sea captain sailing me arctic seas. (There's a flashback of this.) When the behemoth and I first tangled. (There's a roar and flashback Krabs looks through a telescope to see the mollusk. Flashback Krabs gasps and the creature grabs hold of his ship.)
SpongeBob: Don't tell me Mr. Krabs, you peeled back those tentacles with your bare claws. You single handily saved your vessel from certain doom.
Mr. Krabs: Nope that didn't work. She gulped me and me crew in one swift swob. (The flashback shows the mollusk putting them in her mouth.)
SpongeBob: Oh my, well at least you bravely escaped to tell the tale.
Mr. Krabs: Weren't bravery that got us out. Let's just say we had to wait for nature to take its' course. (In the flashback him and his crew are waiting to be flushed out.)
SpongeBob: Hmm? Oh... ew.
(Sandy is pushing the sleigh and stops.)
Sandy: I hate to break up story time but I'd like to not get eaten today.
(The Abominable Snow Mollusk can be heard from a distance so the crew gets back in the sleigh.)
SpongeBob: Gary, step on it! Oh yeah Gary you're really motoring now right guys? (They all look at the empty seat in the sleigh labeled Squidward.) We forgot Squidward! (SpongeBob makes a sharp u-turn and passes under the legs off the mollusk. She chases after them.) Left Gary, left! (The snow mollusk tries to land on them but misses.) There he is. (Squidward's in the same spot as we last saw him.) Patrick I need a gooey worm.
Patrick: Oh be gentle it's my last one. (He hands him it.)
SpongeBob: Hold tight buddy. (Patrick holds one end of the worm as SpongeBob gently goes down a with the other.)
Gary: Meow.
(SpongeBob is about to grab Squidward when they all see the mollusk searching for them. She spots them.)
Patrick: Oh SpongeBob come on let's get outta here.
(He lifts up SpongeBob and frozen block of ice Squidward who was tied around the worm. The two of them barely make it as the mollusk was about to slam them. They both get back into the sleigh and ride off as SpongeBob throws the gooey worm in the wind. It lands in the mollusk's mouth who swallows it.)
Abominable Snow Mollusk: Mmm, nom nom.
Sandy: Phewie, that was a close one wasn't Mr. Krabs? (There's a Mr. Krabs snowman look a like in his place.) Of all the horn swaggles! The bandit's tried to weigh us down while he tries to make off with the prize himself! (She throws it off.)
(With Mr. Krabs now.)
Mr. Krabs: Arg arg arg! I rather swallow a jellyfish then share me winnings that- (He actually swallows one and it electrocutes him.)
Sandy: We can't let that double crosser beat us to the loot. Full steam ahead and don't stop for nothin' Gary!
Patrick: Hey! (He grabs the reigns from SpongeBob and makes the sleigh brake. The impact causes Sandy to fly into snow.)
Sandy: What's the big emergency Patrick?
Patrick: I saw something shiny.
Sandy: Oh well, let's just drop everything then.
SpongeBob: Wa-wait Sandy I see it too. It looks like... Karen. (She's frozen on the ground. SpongeBob helps her up and there's an hourglass on her monitor.) Karen?
Sandy: I'd say she's in swift need of a reboot. Hiyah! (She kicks Karen's screen and the ice breaks off. Karen's monitor loads.)
Plankton: (sounding a bit robotic) You can't stand a chance Krabs.
SpongeBob: Huh? (He looks in the snow and picks his frozen body up.) Plankton?
Plankton: Don't tell Krabs.
SpongeBob: Poor guy the ice is really getting to him.
(Patrick snatches him from SpongeBob.)
Patrick: Doh, we've gotta bust him out quick! I'm gonna to sit on him. (He hurries off and places Plankton down.)
SpongeBob: Patrick no! He's really- (Patrick sits and there's a breaking noise.) fragile.
(Patrick gets up and there's a bunch of gears everywhere.)
Plankton: Krabs...can't...
Sandy: A simulacra!
(SpongeBob covers where Gary's ears would be.)
SpongeBob: Sandy please! Language.
Sandy: Nawh silly, I'm saying Plankton set a robotic dummy instead.
Karen: That's right. (She wheels in.)
My selfish husband remains in warm, sunny Bikini Bottom while I freeze my solder off in this bitter tundra. In fact this whole (She flashbacks to them in the Chum Bucket, all set up for the race.) In fact, this whole race was a plot devised by Plankton.
(There's the scene where the real Plankton walks off from the race's starting line like earlier.) With the entire town distracted he's free to pursue the Krabby Patty formula undetected.
SpongeBob: Pursue? Formula? We've gotta find Mr. Krabs right now.
Sandy: And exactly how do you propose we find him?
Karen: I saw Mr. Krabs pass by just before my system failed, heading south west.
SpongeBob: Well what are we waiting for? (SpongeBob throws all his friends into the sleigh.) You heard the lady Gary, south west. Mush! Mush!
(Back in the lowlands again Plankton uses a flamethrower to the safe. He lifts up his mask when the handle of it is glowing red.)
Plankton: Heheheheh! (He goes up to reach for it, only to be burned.) Yeeouch! (blows off steam) So the safe is impervious to flames aye? It seems as though I'll have to get a little more destructive. (He pulls out a teddy bear but puts it away.) Ahem, I meant destructive. (He gets out a stick of dynamite.)
(Back with the crew, Gary is hardly slithering up a very steep mountain. He meows in pain.)
SpongeBob: That a boy Gary.
(The members get to the sharp top of the mountain as Gary looks down frightened. He jumps into the sleigh and it goes down quickly. It hits a bunch of mountain peaks before hitting the ground.)
SpongeBob and Patrick: Ha-phew.
Sandy: Cliff!
(SpongeBob and Patrick scream.)
Sandy: Hold on SpongeBob. (She picks him up and throws him to a mountain peak. He grabs onto it with his mouth and Sandy uses his legs to steer the sleigh to the other side. Doing so causes Squidward to fall out. He's tossed back in with missing teeth.)
SpongeBob: We made it hooray... Right Squidward?
(Squidward is still falling down.)
Sandy: (gasp) Oh my gosh! Patrick, lean to the other side. (He does that and they fall off.) Excuse me ma'am.
Karen: What?!
(Sandy pulls off her head and used the stick half of her to push them away from the mountain. Sandy pounds her foot into SpongeBob's head, stabs the ice block with Squidward inside it and safely places him back in the sleigh.)
SpongeBob: Hey Sandy, have you given any thought on how we're gonna- (They crash in the ground.) land...
(The abominable snow mollusk catches up with SpongeBob and the gang and roars. Meanwhile Plankton is about to use that dynamite stick and other ones to blow up the safe. He hides under a penny for protection.)
Plankton: Fire in the hole! (He's projected against a wall after it explodes, but sees the safe is still mint condition.) Rats.
(SpongeBob and friends are barely making it through the frozen weather.)
Sandy: Alright fellers I know it's cold, but let's just push forward and keep a look out for a frozen crab.
(Patrick's eyeballs have large icicles in them.)
Patrick: I can't feel my looking holes!
SpongeBob: The only thing I can feel is my empty stomach. (His stomach growls and shrinks.)
Sandy: You've said it SpongeBob it SpongeBob, I've already gnawed through all my previsions. I'm getting to the point where I can eat just about anything. (She delusions SpongeBob as food.) Mmmm, sponge kebab ... (She shakes out of it.) Hey Patrick you got any more of those gooey worms on ya?
Patrick: I wish I did. I lost my last one to that monster and now I'm so hungry. Well at least I still have these jellybeans to hold me over. (He eats some.) Hey is this taxi even moving? (Gary is bitterly shaking.) Come on Gary! (Gary falls over and SpongeBob rushes over, gasping to see him with many sores.)
SpongeBob: Gary! Oh you poor fella. We pushes you too far didn't we? Sorry buddy, I won't make you tow another inch. (SpongeBob puts him in the sleigh.)
Patrick: Great, now we're stuck.
SpongeBob: No we're not! (SpongeBob pulls the ropes, but his arms break off.) Hellloo, what's this? (There's a little anchor on the ground.) Ooh! Look, one of Mr. Krabs' sailor tattoos. It must have frozen off his brittle body.
Sandy: We must be headin' in the right direction.
(At the Krusty Krab, Plankton is in a little jet.)
Plankton: Ahahahaha! Secret formula you...are...mine! (He ejects out of the jet and it hits the safe with no impact. He's in a little parachute.) Perhaps I missed judged the scale on that one. (lands) Oooh! That does it! Listen up safe I will spill your content even if it means to tear you apart. (He grabs a side of the safe and chips a tiny piece off.) Bit by bit. (rips) Molecule by molecule. (rips again as it looks like molecules) Atom by atom. (rips a last time and the atom glows) Uh oh... (A nuclear explosion happens and the Krusty Krab was blown to pieces. Plankton is laying down in pain.) Eeeeow. Certainly the safe couldn't survive nuclear detonation. (It actually broke this time.) Come to papa! Ahahaha! (He picks up the secret formula bottle and walks off.)
(SpongeBob is pulling the sleigh as Patrick is sleeping. They go over a bump causing him to awake.)
Patrick: Hey! I'm trying to sleep.
(They found out that this bump was really frozen Mr. Krabs.)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs?
Sandy: He ain't lookin' so good we better get him in the sleigh SpongeBob. SpongeBob? (He's frozen solid.) He done froze up too. (She gasps as she sees everyone frozen. Cut forward in time and she makes a fire out of the sleigh. Everyone starts to thaw out.)
Squidward: Aaah. What? You're burning the sleigh? Are you aware that's our mode of transportation?
Sandy: And are you aware I just saved your life?
Mr. Krabs: (groans) The race! The million clams! (gasps) I've been trapped in ice, mutinous thieves trying to cheat me out of me winnings. (He shakes Squidward.)
Karen: Oh cool down there are no winnings, you've been duped.
Mr. Krabs: Duped? You don't mean by-
Karen: Now you're putting it together.
Mr. Krabs: (gasps) Me forumler! (grabs Squidward) We've got to get back to Bikini Bottom!
Squidward: We's might have actually a chance of getting back if we had a sleigh. (He points to the remains of it.)
Mr. Krabs: We're doomed. Ohohoho! (sobs)
SpongeBob: No we're not Mr. Krabs. (SpongeBob uses himself as a sleigh.) Your chariot awaits.
Mr. Krabs: No offense, but we're not going to catch Plankton moving at a snail's pace.
Sandy: Just leave that to the scientist of the group.
Patrick: Oh geez (face-palms) why do I have to do everything?
(Fast forward and Sandy has made a successful sleigh out of their special skills and bodies. Patrick is spinning from Karen's monitor as Squidward is blowing his clarinet into the circuits.)
Patrick: Hahahaha!
Sandy: She's all fired up.
SpongeBob: Gary, Mr. Krabs, any hazards on the horizon?
(They're on top of SpongeBob's face.)
Mr. Krabs: Lookin' clear so far.
SpongeBob: Squidward keep those circuits warm. Patrick hang on. (They move forward.)
French narrator: (with a time card) One frozen wasteland later.
(They come riding into town.)
SpongeBob: Hooray we made it.
Mr. Krabs: Okay.... then where's me restaurant?
SpongeBob: Perhaps over there.. (He points to where Plankton nuclear exploded the place earlier.)
Mr. Krabs: (He gasps and runs over to the broken safe.) And where's me formuler?
Sandy: Perhaps over there. (She points to the Chum Bucket where there's a line of customers and a sign.)
Mr. Krabs: (reading) The Chum Bucket, now serving.. Krabby Patties?!
SpongeBob: We're too late!
Mr. Krabs: We'll see about that boyo.
(They walk past the customer line.)
Harold: Woah woah woah woah, you can't cut in line. We've been waiting for a Krabby Patty for three stinkin' days!
Mr. Krabs: This will only take a minute. (He breaks down the doors with his claw.)
Plankton: Keep your pants on out there. I'll get your Krabby Patty just as soon as I get this bottle open. (He's on a table and tugs hard on the cork.)
Mr. Krabs: Not if I have anything to say and or do about it.
Plankton: Krabs! Why aren't you frozen under the barren tundra?
Mr. Krabs: I guess I didn't want to miss the grand unveiling of my sandwich.
Plankton: Well it would have happened if I could've dislodge this stupid cork.
Patrick: Oh that's easy. (He lifts it out of the bottle.)
Everyone: Patrick!
Plankton: Hahaha! I got it now Krabsy. (He goes to run off.)
Sandy: That may be true Plankton but you've got seven angry customers flanking you on all sides.
(They're all surrounding the table he's on.)
Plankton: Uh, well I'm sure my loving wife is not a party to this angry mob. You-you've gotta help me here Karen.
Karen: (mocking him) You've gotta help me.. My monitor nearly froze up for good on your little race to oblivion.
Plankton: Babe don't blow an on amp over this, c'mon.
(She electrocutes him with some wires.)
Plankton: Yowza! Ow, that hurt on so many levels. Okay I give up you win again Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Then hand over me formuler.
Plankton: Okay Eugene I'll just sign the surrender treaty first. (He pulls out a pen and clicks it. It turns into a propeller.) Oops, here I go. Ahahaha!
Looks like I've out smarted you again aye fools? Hahaha! (He flies into a pipe.)
Mr. Krabs: You've get back here Plankton!
Squidward: Here we go again.
(Plankton flies through a vent and outside the Chum Bucket, with everyone following close at hand.)
Mr. Krabs: Give up now and I'll let you keep one of yer antenna.
Plankton: I'd be delighted to see you try! Oooh you're so close. (He hops up some stairs and the others chase him. Plankton jumps on top of something.) So long suckers.
Mr. Krabs: Huh?
(SpongeBob and friends gasp as they realize they're inside a giant frying cage.)
Plankton: Ahehehe!
Mr. Krabs: We're trapped.
Plankton: That's right Krabs and if you're thinking of busting out, mind the giant bat of fry grease beneath you.
Mr. Krabs: He's going to turn us into fried snacks.
Patrick: Got any dipping sauce?
Plankton: A little taste of your own medicine aye crab cakes?
(We head a roaring sound approaching and it's the Abominable Snow Mollusk. She grabs the cage.)
Abominable Snow Mollusk: Nom nom.
SpongeBob: Nom nom?
Abominable Snow Mollusk: (growls) Nom nom!
(She rips the cage open, making everyone in it fall to the ground, screaming. She then grabs Patrick.)
Abominable Snow Mollusk: Nom nom!
SpongeBob: W-wait big scary monster, don't eat Patrick. Eat me packed with nutrients.
Sandy: No eat me.
Mr. Krabs: Don't eat me, eat Squidward.
Squidward: Wait what?
Patrick: Oooh hoho..
(The monster only takes out his jellybeans out of his pants. She swallows them down.)
Abominable Snow Mollusk: Nom nom!
(She cuddles him.)
SpongeBob: She loves your jellybeans Patrick.
Plankton: I better go while the going's good.
Abominable Snow Mollusk: Jellybean! (She looks at Plankton.)
Plankton: I can practically taste those Krabby Patties now. (The mollusk hangs onto him with her tongue.) WAAAAAHHH! (She swallows him as Plankton let's go of the formula. It lands into Mr. Krabs' claw and he puts it in his shirt.)
SpongeBob: Hey Mr. Krabs what happens to Plankton?
Mr. Krabs: He'll have to wait for nature to take its' course. Ar ar ar ar!
(The mollusk burps and inside her stomach there's Plankton sitting on a jellybean.)
Plankton: Well I suppose dear old dad was right. I should have minored in business administration.
(There's a flushing noise and clearly it's obvious what is going to happen next.)
End