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The Wreck of the Mauna Loa

(SpongeBob and Patrick are playing tag)
Patrick: You're it! (giggles)
SpongeBob: Not for long.
Patrick: Hey, try and catch me, SpongeBob! (runs into SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: Tag, you're it.
Patrick: Oh! This game's too hard.
SpongeBob: I know! What if both of us are it?
Patrick: But then, who's gonna be not it?
SpongeBob: Exactly, neither of us will know.
Patrick: Ooh. I like not knowing. Let's play!
SpongeBob & Patrick: I'm it! I'm it! I'm it! I'm it! I'm it! I'm it! I'm it! I'm it! I'm it! I'm it! I'm it! I'm it! I'm it! I'm it!
SpongeBob: I'm it! (trips over a rock and falls over a cliff, screaming)
Patrick: SpongeBob! (SpongeBob crashes into a hole that is covered in wood planks) Hang on, I'm coming! (screams as he jumps over the cliff and through the hole, landing on top of SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: Whoa, what is this place?
Patrick: Look at all this cool stuff. (goes over to the wheel and takes the skelton's hat and puts it on his head. Then shoves the skeleton off and turns the wheel) I am the captain! Yo-ho-ho, ya mateys! Argh! (climbs the ship's net playing sword fighting with SpongeBob)
Patrick: Hey, forget you.
SpongeBob: Swashbuckle.
Patrick: En garde! (now at the top, Patrick almost falls over the edge but SpongeBob saves him) Thanks, SpongeBob. I guess we better be more careful.
SpongeBob: Let's go back to the main deck.
Patrick: Okay. (walks to the right and falls over the edge, screaming)
SpongeBob: Patrick! (sees the hole Patrick made and slides down the wooden pole) I'm coming, buddy! Patrick? (goes into the hole) Patrick!
Patrick: (sitting on an opened treasure chest filled with coins and more coins around the chest) Ooh, shiny and smooth. (flicks a coin to SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: Wow, what's this? (reads the coin) "Mauna Loa." (watch beeps) Whoa, I'm late! Gotta get to work! (flips the coin in the air and leaves. Patrick opens up his pants and the coin drops into his pants. Cut to the Krusty Krab where SpongeBob is singing while grilling) Mauna Loa, how I love ya. Oh, my secret love and hideaway! My Mauna Loa baby!
Squidward: SpongeBob, SpongeBob, SpongeBob... SpongeBob, what are you doing? I've been saying I needed a krabby patty about a bajilion times and you went-- What the...? (laughs) Nice patty, Michelangelo! (SpongeBob made a krabby patty shaped like the Mauna Loa) I hope you're not expecting an award anytime soon. (laughs)
SpongeBob: Oh, that's just my secret-- Oh! (laughs. Slides the Mauna Loa patty into the trash and makes another Krabby Patty very quickly) Here you go.
Squidward: Porous freak.
SpongeBob: Whew, that was a close. (Patrick opens the kitchen door) SpongeBob, check out the new t-shirt I just made. (shirt reads, "Follow Me to the Mauna Loa") Secret hideout, secret hideout! Secret hideout, secret hideout! Secret hideout, secret hide--
SpongeBob: (covers Patrick's mouth) Patrick, please! What are you trying to do, give away our secret hideout? Give me that! (takes Patrick's shirt off of him. Mr. Krabs enters)
Mr. Krabs: What's with all the racket?
SpongeBob: Uh, sorry, sir.
Mr. Krabs: Patrick, if you're going to distract me fry cook, the least you can do is buy some grub.
Patrick: You got it, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Back to work, boy.
SpongeBob: Sure thing. (flips a patty on the grill and a bell gongs when it hits the grill. He imagines himself in a pirate costume) Argh! Oh, looks like the work day's over. See you tomorrow, sir. (throws his hat on the hook on the wall)
Mr. Krabs: That's odd. (Patrick is digging in his pockets to find some money to give Squidward)
Patrick: Hmm, uh, let's see.
SpongeBob: Come on, Patrick, we got to get back to our playground.
Patrick: Keep the change, my good man.
Squidward: (looks at the change) Hmm, a gumwrapper and a coin that says "Mauna Loa".
Mr. Krabs: Mauna Loa? As in the shipwreck Mauna Loa? Legend has it that the largest unfound pirate booty lies in its ruins. I have been searching for this treasure nearly me entire adult life, lookin' over every nook, every cranny, every dumpster. Once I get me claws on it… I'll be the richest crustacean in the world!
Squidward: Well, I guess that explains this. (pulls out the Krabby Patty ship from the garbage can)
Mr. Krabs: Hmm, looks like him and Patrick are trying to hoard the loot for themselves. Come on, Squidward. We're gonna let those two ding-a-lings lead us straight to the Mauna Loa.
Squidward: Actually, I have a hot date with my toenail clippers tonight, but have fun with that. (cut to SpongeBob and Patrick walking)
SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick, do you think we gave away too much about our secret hideout?
Patrick: Oh, gee, SpongeBob, who cares if everyone knows about our secret hideout?
SpongeBob: Doesn't that make the secret hideout a little less secret-y?
Patrick: Well, no, it's just a secret that everybody knows about. (some seaweed is rustling) What's wrong, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Just as I thought, we're being followed. That's it… (opens up the seaweed but finds no one is there) Heh, looks like no one was following us to the secret hideout after all.
Mr. Krabs: Found it!
SpongeBob: Hey, were you following us?
Mr. Krabs: No, I just saw the sign. (Patrick is painting "SpongeBob and Patrick's Secret Hideout" on a sign and a giant arrow pointing to the hole) So you thought you could hide the treasure from old man Krabs, did ya?
SpongeBob: I'm not aware of any treasure, but I suppose since you're such a nice boss, you can hang out at the hideout-- just as long as you keep it a secret.
Mr. Krabs: (mimicks SpongeBob at what he just said ) You expect me to believe this malarkey? (SpongeBob and Patrick nod) The ol' stonewall, eh? Well, we'll see about that! (shines a flashlight in their eyes) Where'd you two blunderers find the gold coin?
SpongeBob: If my eyes weren't burning like they were full of lava, I could show you.
Mr. Krabs: (turns off the flashlight) Pushovers. (cut to later where the three of them are in the treasure room)
Mr. Krabs: (laughs) I knew I'd find it! Check it out, fellers. Cold, hard doubloons!
SpongeBob: Uh, you might want to take a closer look at your coinage.
Mr. Krabs: Eh? What's this? "Token has no monetary value?" Tokens! This must be a decoy. (smashes a couple of barrels)
SpongeBob: Ahoy, Mr. Krabs! Maybe they hid the loot off ship in that shed. (points to the shed with a "ticket" sign on it)
Mr. Krabs: (runs up to the shed and jumps inside) Whee-hee! What the barnacles? Well, it's just full of tickets.
SpongeBob: Well, you usually find tickets in a ticket booth.
Mr. Krabs: Ticket booth?
SpongeBob: And why are there height restrictions on the crew?
Mr. Krabs: (reads sign) "Must be this tall to ride?"
Patrick: Well, maybe they had something against short people. I like their little clothes. (cut to later. SpongeBob walks up to a door and reads the sign above it)
SpongeBob: "Captain's quarters." There must be some treasure here, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: (pushes SpongeBob out of the way) Out of me way, boy! (shines the flashlight and sees a treasure box) I knew it. The lost treasure of the Mauna Loa is finally mine! I can practically taste them jewels. (tries to carry the treasure chest but falls over) Was a little lighter than I thought. Huh? It's empty. (throws the fake box on the ground) No good. Ha ha, very clever, cap'n, throwin' Krabs the old ringer, eh? You must have a treasure map or something. Where're you keeping it? In your pocket? (taps on the skeleton) Plastic? Hang on a minute. A plastic captain, the ticket booth, tokens-- this ain't the Wreck of the Mauna Loa. It's "The Wreck of the Mauna Loa" amusement park ride! (SpongeBob and Patrick gasp)
Patrick: No wonder we were so amused!
Mr. Krabs: Well, I'm not.
SpongeBob: Remember, you're always welcome back at the secret hideout.
Mr. Krabs: This place ain't got no treasure. Keep your worthless hunk of junk.
SpongeBob: Okay, but would you mind keeping this worthless hunk of junk a secret? Wouldn't be much of a secret if we had a million people showing up.
Mr. Krabs: (chuckles) Oh, don't flatter yourself. People want to see the real thing. It's not like a million people just show up to an old amusement park ride for fun. (about to walk away but stops) Wait a minute-- that's exactly what they do. Oh, ho, ho, brace yourselves, fellas. Your hideaway's about to become the worst-kept secret in the sea. (cut to later with Squidward dressed as a pirate at the ticket booth)
Squidward: Welcome to The Wreck of the Mauna Loa. Argh, how may I help you?
Dennis: I'll take ten tokens, please.
Mr. Krabs: (over a megaphone) Step right up, don't be shy, experience the amusement and terror of The Wreck of the Mauna Loa. (a bunch of fish are riding the ship as it swings back and forth)
Riders: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Mr. Krabs: (again into the megaphone) That's right, folks, we spared no expense in restoring this plastic ship to its former glory.
Sally: Sorry, honey, but you'll have to come back when you're a big boy.
Mr. Krabs: (chuckles) Oh, I disagree. I'd say the little fella... (pushes the sign down into the ground so it is the same height as child) ...is just right. (laughs)
SpongeBob: It's gone, Patrick. Our secret paradise is gone forever. (sniffs)
Patrick: And alas, even the joyous shrieks of children cannot lift my sunken heart.
SpongeBob: How about another ride to cheer you up?
Patrick: Let's do this! (SpongeBob, Patrick, and other tourists go back on the swinging ship. A piece of wood is knocked into the control, which puts it into "beyond comprehension" and swings the ship around and around and off its hinges. It crashes into the ground. SpongeBob and Patrick laugh and cheer)
SpongeBob: That was awesome!
Patrick: Yeah, totally realistic!
Fish: Realistic? That realism nearly cost us our lives.
Female Fish: Mr. Krabs put all our lives in danger with this careless contraption.
Female Fish #2: What were you thinking? Our little boy could've been hurt on your disaster of a ride!
Mr. Krabs: Okay, people, let's not do anything we might regret.
Fish Cop: Too late for that, Krabs. (handcuffs Mr. Krabs)
Mr. Krabs: Oh, what are you talking about? You can't take me to the pokey.
Fish Cop: For operating a danger to public safety, I can, and I will. Honestly, I think he'll be safer in prison. (cut to SpongeBob and Patrick standing outside the hole. It now says "KEEP OUT" and their hideout sign is getting hammered with another sign saying "CONDEMNED")
SpongeBob: Well, buddy, I guess we really lost our secret hideout this time.
Patrick: And just when everyone was staring to find out about it, too.
SpongeBob: Well, who knows, Patrick? The next fun, fun place might be just around the corner, huh?
Patrick: Well, I doubt it. (SpongeBob and Patrick fall through the sand and fall onto another ship. SpongeBob reads the sign)
SpongeBob: The Real Mauna Loa? Ooh.
(SpongeBob and Patrick scream as they sink to the sand, slamming onto a floorboard. SpongeBob sees a sign)
SpongeBob: "The Real Mauna Loa?" Ooh, Patrick, can you keep a secret?
Patrick: Nope!
End