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The Abrasive Side

(A clam crows at dawn. Downtown Bikini Bottom is bustling. A man walks up to a bus stop and steps on something squeaky.)
SpongeBob: (Clears his throat) I believe I was in line first. (The man steps off him) I spent the night, that's how you get the best spot around here. (Folds his blanket into an airplane shape and throws it so that it lands on his bed back home. Puts on his tie and pulls it, unfolding his pants.) I'm meeting my best friend for an exciting day at Glove World! See? Glove world. (Points to tickets) I promised Patrick we'd be first in line for the first bus to Glove World.
Fish: Hm. Interesting stuff. Say, do you mind if I cut in front of you?
SpongeBob: But I spend the night so that I could … uh … OK, I guess.
(He lets the fish pass him. Other fish join the queue, pushing in front and bumping him down the line.)
Fish #2: 'Scuse me.
Fish #3: Pardon me.
Fish #4: Move it.
(Later, SpongeBob is at the end of the now very long line)
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob. Are you ready to- (Notices long line) SpongeBob! You promised firsties!
SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Patrick, but we'll still be on the first bus to Glove World.
SpongeBob and Patrick: Yey! (Both laugh)
(Bus pulls up and everybody gets on)
SpongeBob: Glove World! Glove World! Glove World!
Sandy: (Carrying groceries) SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Sandy!
Sandy: Howdy, little buddy. I need your help with an experiment.
SpongeBob: Gosh, Sandy, I'd like to but I'll miss the first bus to Glove World.
Sandy: But this is an emergency. SpongeBob, please?
SpongeBob: OK. I'll catch the next bus, Patrick! (Patrick gets on) See you there!
(At Sandy's dome, SpongeBob runs in a wheel to generate electricity)
Sandy: Operation acorn smoothie is a success!
(SpongeBob runs back to the bus stop and checks his watch)
Mr. Krabs: (Bursting out of a nearby shop) SpongeBob! Boyo, you've got to help me. Pearl's got her heart set on a new pair of shoes. Your job is to tell her no.
SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs, today is my day off!
Mr. Krabs: (Sternly) SpongeBob …
(SpongeBob goes into the store as the bus pulls up outside)
SpongeBob: Pearl, about those shoes? No.
Pearl: No? (Cries, flooding the town)
Grandma SquarePants: SpongeBob, help your granny cross the street, hm?
SpongeBob: Grandma? Oh … coming, Grandma. (Runs across the street, just missing the next bus. Another bus pulls up and Patrick gets off wearing a Glove World shirt and hat and holding a balloon.)
Patrick: Oh man, that was the best time I've ever had! (Laughs, then spots SpongeBob and frowns) Oh. Hello, SpongeBob. Did you enjoy not going to Glove World with me?
SpongeBob: Oh, Patrick, I tried, how I tried! But everyone needed my help and I, uh …
Patrick: You need to learn to say no! Stand up for yourself, man! You need thicker skin. Check out mine. (Runs a finger along his tough skin) Oh, hey, which reminds me. (Rips off his shirt) Can you scratch my back?
SpongeBob: Oh sure. (Scratches it)
(Back at the pineapple, SpongeBob is lying on the couch, crying)
SpongeBob: Oh, it's true, Gare-bear, it's true.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: It's true that I can't stand up for myself. I'm too soft. Oh, I wish I had thicker skin!
(Gary flicks through the phone book and calls a janitorial supplies company)
Gary: Meow. Meow.
(There's a knock on the door and SpongeBob answers it)
SpongeBob: What does this say? "Don't throw out that old, too soft sponge. Toughen it up with a new abrasive side." Say … Gary, did you order this for me? (Goes inside) Oh, it fits like a glove!
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Thanks, Gary, you're always there for me. Hm, wonder how this thing works?
(His body flips around, showing the abrasive side)
Abrasive side: Ah, why don't you scram, you little free-loader. (Switches back to SpongeBob, who blinks, then switches back to the abrasive side) Bottomfeeder.
SpongeBob: See you, Gary! (Leaves)
Gary: Meow?
(SpongeBob walks down the road, singing)
SpongeBob: I've got an abrasive side, abrasive side, abrasive side, I've got an abrasive side and now I can say no! Abrasive side, abrasive side, abrasive side, abrasive side, and now I-
Abrasive side: No.
Fish: Hi, SpongeBob, could you help me carry my groceries?
Abrasive side: Carry 'em yourself, fish face.
Larry: Hey SpongeBob, how about a little help with this sun tan lotion, huh?
Abraside side: Don't you think you've had enough? All you're missing is a bowl of butter.
Larry: Butter? Yipe!
SpongeBob: (Walks up to Grandma SquarePants, who is waiting to cross the road) Hey Grandma.
Grandma SquarePants: Why, hello SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: I've got an abrasive side now!
Grandma SquarePants: Why, that's nice dear. SpongeBob, would you help your granny cross the street?
Abrasive side: Sorry, Granny, why don't you walk yourself across the street.
SpongeBob: Have a nice day, Grandma. (Leaves)
(Grandma SquarePants tries to cross but there's too much traffic)
(SpongeBob walks up to Sandy's treedome)
Sandy: Howdy, SpongeBob! You're right on time to help me test out my new disappearator. It'll make anything disappear instantly. Now hold still and I'll just shave a few inches off the top of your noggin.
SpongeBob: Oh, why certainly Sa-
Abrasive side: No can do, you brainless lab rat. (Smacks the disappearator out of Sandy's hands) I've got better things to do that be your test monkey.
Sandy: Brainless? (The disappearator lands and zaps her, making her head vanish) Huh? (Stumbles about)
(SpongeBob enters the Krusty Krab)
Mr. Krabs: Ahoy there, SpongeBob! I need you to work an extra 17 hour shift tonight.
SpongeBob: Oh, sure thing Mr.-
Abrasive side: Sorry, Krabs, I'm busy, unless you're paying me overtime. (Leaves)
Mr. Krabs: Overtime? O … o … o-ver-time? (Flips through dictionary) Overtime? Hm, let's see here. Over, oversold, overspend, ah! Overtime. "More money per hour" … (Screams) Filthy disgusting word!
(Cut to Squidward watering his yard. SpongeBob approaches him.)
Squidward: Oh fun. I suppose you want me to play some stupid game, or you'll just follow me around all day and never ever leave, huh?
Abrasive side: (Clicks fingers) Afraid not, Schnozward. I wouldn't hang out with you for all the money in Krabs' mattress.
Squidward: (Hugs him) You don't know how long I've waited to hear those words.
(Cut to SpongeBob walking up to his pineapple)
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! You're right on time for our play date.
SpongeBob: Ooh, I can't wait-
Abrasive side: To ditch you.
SpongeBob: 'Cause you're my best friend.
Abrasive side: So beat it, tubby, I don't care for your company.
SpongeBob: Well, Patrick, are you ready to have some fun?
Patrick: I don't know. (Cries and runs to his rock)
SpongeBob: That's weird. (Goes into the pineapple and looks in his mirror) I wonder what's wrong with Patrick?
Abrasive side: Don't you remember? We told that pink freak to beat it. In fact, we've already insulted all your rotten friends and nobody will hang around with you 'cause you have no friends left, Mr. LoserBob LonelyPants. (Laughs)
SpongeBob: Oh no! Patrick! Patrick! (Runs to Patrick's rock) Patrick Patrick Patrick!
Patrick: Yes, may I help you?
SpongeBob: Yes Patrick, help me get this abrasive side off my back! You'll help me, won't you, buddy?
Patrick: I don't know, are we buddies?
SpongeBob: Patrick, you know the answer to that question is-
Abrasive side: No! Why would I want to be friends with a big loser like you?
(Patrick screams and closes the rock)
Patrick: I'm so confused!
SpongeBob: Aaaah! It happened again!
(At the Krusty Krab, Mr. Krabs is still freaking out over the word "overtime")
Mr. Krabs: It's unbelieveable. "More money for service above and beyond"-
SpongeBob: (Bursts in) Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krab: What do you want now, Mr. Potty Mouth?
SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs, I never use immoderate language like-
Abrasive side: Overtime!
Mr. Krabs: (Screams and pushes SpongeBob outside) Out, out, and stay out! And don't you come back 'til you swab that poop deck you call a mouth! (Mumbles angrily)
(SpongeBob runs to Sandy's treedome)
SpongeBob: Sandy, please help me! Gary ordered me an abrasive side so that I could be more assertive-
Abrasive side: Hey, chipmunk!
SpongeBob: And now it's taken over!
Abrasive side: Quiet, you!
SpongeBob: I can't take it any more, it's like a … a virus!
Sandy: (Mumbles incoherently)
SpongeBob: Hold on. (Pulls a lever and Sandy's head re-appears)
Sandy: I said, what you want to go and do a dangful thing like that for?
SpongeBob: Well, I just couldn't say-
Abrasive side: No!
SpongeBob: To anybody. So I got this abrasive side to help change my personality.
Sandy: Aw, SpongeBob, don't go trying to be someone you're not. You are who you are, and who you are is just fine.
Abrasive side: Who is is just stinks!
Sandy: Golly! We've got to get this varmint off of you. Now turn around and grab something heavy. (SpongeBob grabs hold of Patrick) Now hold still.
Abrasive side: No! You don't scare me, girly!
Sandy: This is going to sting worse than a jellyfish in a bucket of electric eels. (Grips the abrasive side)
Abrasive side: Hey, what are you doing, you crazy bushy-tailed rodent? Hey! (Sandy rips of off and SpongeBob screams in pain)
Sandy: All done.
SpongeBob: Phew! Thank you, Sandy. You too, Patrick.
Patrick: No problem.
(The abrasive side snarls)
Sandy: I think it's high time we got rid of this critter. (Puts it in a box and attaches a "return to sender" label. SpongeBob puts it in the mail box.)
SpongeBob: So long, abrasive-y. (It snarls again) Grandma! I've got to apologize to Grandma!
(At Grandma SquarePants' house)
SpongeBob: Grandma? Hello. Grandma, I'm sorry about earlier today. So, what do you say? Can we discuss forgiveness over a cup of your famous hot cocoa?
Grandma SquarePants: Oh, my sweet, I would love to whip that up for you right after you-
Grandma's abrasive side: Make your own hot cocoa, I'm busy!
(SpongeBob screams)
SpongeBob: Nooooo!
End