Back

Single Cell Anniversary

Typed By: DadMom AngryPants

(Plankton walks into the Chum Bucket with a briefcase and hat, looking dejected, and sighs)
Karen: Plankton? Is that you? Welcome home, honey. (Plankton mumbles and hangs up his hat) How was your day? (Gets a whiff of Plankton's stench) Dear Neptune, Plankton, what is that smell?
Plankton: The aroma you speak of, Karen, my computer wife, is the stench of failure. And now the smell of defeat so deeply penetrates my soul that my very skin is permeated with its foul stench. Thanks for asking.
Karen: Well it smells horrible, you're not coming here smelling like that! (Grabs him)
Plankton: Hey, what are you- (Skin is sucked off) Aaaah! Stop that at once! You- (Dunked in bucket of water) I command you to- (Dunked again) Oh no! (Karen brushes him then dunks him again, blow dries him, puts new skin on, powders him and shows him a mirror)
Karen: There you go, now don't you feel better?
Plankton: Although I do look ravishing, it's not enough to mask the ugliness I feel inside.
Karen: Did I miss a spot? (Brushes inside his mouth) Don't blow a gasket, dear, today is a special day.
Plankton: Special day?
Karen: Yes, we're celebrating your biggest accomplishment ever.
Plankton: Really, I accomplished something? What is it?
Karen: It has something to do with you asking a certain someone to spend the rest of her life with you.
Plankton: What?
Karen: (Holding up a hand with a ring on) We even wear rings in memory of this moment.
Plankton: (Looks at ring on his hand) Enough with the riddles, woman, just tell me what this proud moment of my life is.
Karen: (Angrily) Oh, you selfish green twit, it's our wedding anniversary!
Plankton: Oh, that. Yippee. (Starts to walk away)
Karen: (Crying) You forgot, and I got you the perfect gift! (Holds up Krabby Patty formula)
Plankton: The Krabby Patty formula? (Jumps onto the bottle and kisses it) How did you get it?
Karen: First I went to the Krusty Krab. (Flashback to Karen entering the Krusty Krab) One Krabby Patty, please. (Squidward hands one over and she analyses it to get the formula) Thank you.
Squidward: Whatever.
(Back to present)
Plankton: What? Sorry, I wasn't listening. Well, you can tell me later. (Jumps down)
Karen: (Snatches it back) You're not getting this until you get me a gift. From your heart.
(Plankton sighs and leaves)
(Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward walking down the street)
SpongeBob: And that's the story of how I got my head stuck in the fry vat.
Squidward: That story gets better every time you tell it, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: (Hears moaning; holds out hand and knocks Squidward over) Hold on! Did you hear that? It sounds like (listens) despair.
Squidward: That was probably me.
SpongeBob: No no, not bitterness, despair. And it's coming from over … this way. (Sniffs along the ground until he finds Plankton) Plankton! What's wrong, Plankton?
Plankton: What? SpongeBob? Eh, there's nothing wrong. Don't worry. I'm – I'm fine. (Cries)
SpongeBob: Come on, tell your uncle SpongeBob.
Plankton: Oh, it's nothing. It's just that today is my wedding anniversary.
SpongeBob: Awww! What present did you buy your wife, huh, what did you buy her?
Plankton: Um, I didn't buy Karen anything.
SpongeBob: (Gasps) We've got a love emergency! (Through megaphone) Attention everyone, we have a love emergency. Please stand back, love emergency, thank you. Love emergency! (Puts megaphone down) Plankton, there's only one thing to do. You need to give her a present from in here. (Taps chest)
Plankton: What, like a kidney?
SpongeBob: No, from the heart. That's where your love grows.
Plankton: My what?
SpongeBob: Your love.
Plankton: My loof?
SpongeBob: Love.
Plankton: Loop?
SpongeBob: Love.
Plankton: Lump.
SpongeBob: Say it with me – L …
Plankton: L …
SpongeBob: Aah.
Plankton: Aah.
SpongeBob: V.
Plankton: V.
SpongeBob: Lov-eh.
Plankton: Love.
SpongeBob: That's it! You've taken the first step into the halls of amore. Now, tell me more about your Karen.
(At SpongeBob's pineapple. SpongeBob is taking notes.)
SpongeBob: So, what's your favorite thing for you and Karen to do together?
Plankton: Well, we like to take long walks on the beach and, uh, we talk about our dreams, our dreams of conquering all of Bikini Bottom to become supreme overlords of all creation and to trample our enemies beneath our feet! (Laughs evilly)
SpongeBob: (Writing) Trampling enemies … Now tell me about Karen.
Plankton: Well, she's a mark 2 surplus univac with 256gb of RAM. And there's the cutest mole on her CPU, and the way she processes data, oh mama!
SpongeBob: Does she have any hobbies?
Plankton: Uh, well, uh, she does make a lot of beeping sounds.
SpongeBob: Interesting. Does she ever go "ding"?
Plankton: Now that you mention it, she does go "ding". At least once a day.
SpongeBob: Oh, a music lover. I think we have our solution. You need to serenade her!
Plankton: Who, me? I can't sing.
SpongeBob: Not to worry, when you're done you'll be as golden voiced as me.
(Outside)
SpongeBob: Repeat after me. (Sings) Me me me me me me meeee!
Plankton: Me me me me – (Clears throat) Me me me me me me meeeeee!
(Squidward's drink glass breaks and Sandy's helmet breaks.)
SpongeBob: Oh, you are ready!
Plankton: Ready, but what do I sing?
SpongeBob: Oh, when the time comes, you'll know. The music of love comes from inside.
Plankton: Why are you so obsessed with my internal organs?
(Cut to the Chum Bucket)
SpongeBob: This is it, Plankton.
Plankton: I don't think I'm ready.
SpongeBob: Oh, you just got butterflies in your tummy.
Plankton: No, I'm just nervous, I don't know what flying insects have to do with it.
SpongeBob: (Laughs and opens the door) Get in there and sing, you single-celled Romeo, you. Ah, lov-eh.
Plankton: (Enters lab and clears throat) Karen?
Karen: Plankton? I don't see any present.
Plankton: Oh, I have it. It's right here in my kidney. I mean heart. Me me me meee me me! (Takes out maracas and sings) Oh my Karen, oh my Karen, oh my computer wife Karen! Put down those punch clocks, put down those punch clocks, and listen to my ode! Oh my Karen, oh my Karen, oh my computer wife Karen! What compares to, what compares to your beautiful diodes! (SpongeBob and Patrick enter playing a guitar and drums) Oh my Karen, oh my Karen, oh my computer wife Karen! I was blinded, yes I was blinded, I was blinded by the light of your cathode ray. Oh I built you, yes I built you, I built you in the, uh … (SpongeBob holds up picture of cube) In the shape of a cube! Oh my Karen, oh my Karen, you'll never know how much I love your vacuum tubes! (Hugs one)
Karen: (Crying with happiness) That was so beautiful!
Plankton: You really liked it?
Karen: I loved it! But not as much as I love you, Plankton.
Plankton: I love you too. (Crowd rushes in and awwws) So, can I have my present now?
Karen: Of course, my little overlord. Now loading the Krabby Patty formula.
SpongeBob: They're such a lovely couple. (Suddenly realizes) The Krabby Patty formula?
Plankton: Yes! You porous kitchen utensil! By helping me woo my computer wife, you've just doomed the Krusty Krab! (Laughs)
SpongeBob: Oh no! I've got to stop it before it's too late! (Runs over to Karen)
Karen: 45 percent loaded.
SpongeBob: Control … alt … delete.
Karen: 55 percent loaded.
SpongeBob: How do you turn this thing off?
Plankton: Get your hands off my wife!
Karen: 65 percent loaded.
SpongeBob: The plug! (Dives and pulls a plug) Aha! You lose, Plankton.
Plankton: Oh no! You unplugged the coffee maker, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: I am so fired.
Karen: Loading Krabby Patty formula.
Plankton: Here it comes!
Karen: Oh, Plankton, you've made me so happy.
Plankton: That's fantastic, where's that formula?
Karen: I'm crying. What's going on?
Plankton: Karen, what's wrong, have you sprung a leak?
Karen: No, I'm just so happy, I – I'm crying with tears of joy! (Sparks)
Plankton: But you're shorting out!
Karen: Krabby Patty formula loading completed.
Plankton: Yes!
SpongeBob: No!
(Karen sparks and shorts out)
Plankton: No!
SpongeBob: Yes! I'm saved! Your wife exploded! (Looks at Plankton) Happy anniversary, you guys. (Leaves)
Karen: Rebooting. Loading EMILP.
Plankton: EMILP? What's EMILP?
Karen: Emergency mother in law program.
Plankton: Oh no.
Karen: Plankton, what have you done to my daughter? You made her cry, you know she could have been with an ATM, someone with money, but she chose you, I don't know why!
End