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Battle of Bikini Bottom

(starts at the Mall where SpongeBob and Patrick are wearing "Best Friend" shirts with arrows pointing to either the left or the right)
Patrick: Where's your best friend now, SpongeBob? (giggles)
SpongeBob: Well, according to this T-shirt, it says my best friend is right here! (pokes Patrick causing him laugh)
Patrick: (goes on the other side of him) How about now?
SpongeBob: (flips upside-down) Right by my side. (both laughing) Wow, clothing that announces our feelings for each other. (sniffs) Let's get 'em, Patrick.
Employee: Can I help you boys with something?
SpongeBob: I believe you can. My best friend and I would like to purchase...(Patrick starts sobbing) Patrick, why are you crying?
Patrick: You...found a new best friend.
SpongeBob: No, what are you...? (sees the arrow on his shirt pointing to the fish trying to help them. SpongeBob screams) Wait, no! This isn't what it looks like! (Patrick is still sobbing)
SpongeBob: Patrick, look out! Behind you!
Lady Fish: Excuse me, but does this come in...
Patrick: No! You're not my best friend!
SpongeBob: We've got to ditch these outfits. They're sending off the wrong signals. (they tear their shirts off and then stomp on them)
SpongeBob and Patrick: Whew! (both are kicked out of the Mall)
SpongeBob: We need new outfits to show off our best friendiness, Pat.
Patrick: You mean like those guys? (points to fish dressed up in red and blue uniforms like in the Civil War)
SpongeBob: Yeah, just like those guys! (walk in the fields) Best friend outfits like these really make a statement.
Patrick: Look at these guys.
SpongeBob: Whoa! I like that one. Hey, mister, where did you and your friends buy your matching outfits?
Fish #1: Oh, no, these aren't my friends. In fact, I hate just about everyone here. But my love for historic battles is so great, I join these losers every year to reenact the battle of Bikini Bottom.
SpongeBob: There was a battle of Bikini Bottom? (Patrick and the fish in uniform gasp)
Patrick: Well, duh, SpongeBob. It's only the most significant event in Bikini Bottom history. A long time ago, the town was divided into two groups (flashback to a red soldier fish washing his hands) Those who spent their time washing their hands like softy's (shows clean hands)
Fish #2: Clean as a whistle!
Patrick: And those who had more important things to do with their time (a soldier that looks like Patrick comes out of one of the stalls and yawns. He walks up to the sink and sees his hands are filthy)
Patrick: It looks good to me.
Nathiel: That is truly disgusting.
Patrick: Oh, yeah?
Nathiel: You can't go around our town touching things with those filthy mitts.
Patrick: Oh, yeah?
Fish #2: Yes. (Patrick takes off his hands then slaps him with it. They begin to fight. As they are doing this, the blue side cannon is being loaded full of sludge while the red side cannon is being loaded with bars of soap)
Red Soldiers: Wash your hands.
Blue Soldiers: Never! (groups begin firing at each other. Flashback ends)
Patrick: And that's how we won our right to wash as we please. (shows his filthy hands)
Fish #1: Ugh, that's not what happened. (walks away)
SpongeBob: (looking disturbed) You don't wash your hands, Patrick?
Patrick: Never have, never will.
SpongeBob: Blecch!
Patrick: Does that bother you, huh, SpongeBob? (flashback) They only had one ice cream cone. (has scoop of ice cream for SpongeBob in his hand)
SpongeBob: That's ok. Thank you, friend. (licks ice cream off Patrick's hand. Another flashback with them eating burgers at a restaurant)
SpongeBob: So, anyway, I said...
Patrick: Wait! You got something on your tongue.
SpongeBob: Really?
Patrick: Here. I'll get it. (grabs SpongeBob's tongue and takes a piece of meat off of it)
SpongeBob: Thank you. (flashback ends) Frankly, yes, Patrick, that does bother me.
Patrick: Well, then I guess we can't be friends.
SpongeBob: What are you saying?
Patrick: (groans) Do I have to spell it out for you? (Licks his hand and writes on a brick wall) U. R. Uh... How do you spell "not my friend"?
SpongeBob: Oh, come on. We can work this out. We'll start a new life. Just you, me, and this can of disinfectant spray.(sprays a cloud around himself that is a house) Come on in, Patrick. Here, let me take your coat for you (takes off Patrick's coat, which reveals filth on the middle of his body)
Patrick: No, thank you. (takes his coat back and puts it on) I happen to like my various smells and germs.
SpongeBob: But being clean is so much better.
Patrick: Well, says you! I like dirty.
SpongeBob: Clean!
Patrick: Dirty!
SpongeBob: Clean!
Fish #3: Uh, excuse us, but we have a battle to reenact.
SpongeBob: Fine, if that's how it is, then (tears off Fred's red outfit) then I am joining the other side!
Patrick: (tears off a soldier's blue outfit) Fine! Me too!
Fish #3: Oh, come on. Let's go play somewhere else.
(scene cuts to Patrick looking through binoculars; SpongeBob sneaks up behind him and grabs his nose)
SpongeBob: Waa! Got your nose.
Patrick: Hey, give it back!
SpongeBob: Not until you wash your hands.
Patrick: Oh, yeah? Well... (takes SpongeBob's eyes) I got your eyeballs! (runs with them. But they are bombs that squirt out water. Patrick forms into a cannon. He fires out his brain at SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: Whoa! Eww, brain juice.
Patrick: (puts brain back in his head) Do you give up yet?
SpongeBob: (wipes the brain juice off) Sorry, Patrick, but a filthy slob like you is no match for a clean-cut fellow like me.
Patrick: Your pants are falling down.
SpongeBob: Really?
Patrick: I'll fix it. (opens his pants, puts a pile of sand in it and then gives him a wedgey that is goes over his face)
SpongeBob: Satisfied?
Patrick: There, you look good now.
SpongeBob: You could use a makeover, though. Ugh, look at those feet.
Patrick: Why? What's wrong with them? (shows his toenails are disgusting)
SpongeBob: Don't worry. I'll take care of it.(attacks Patrick)
Patrick: No! Not a pedicure!! (sobbing) No, no, not that! Anything but that. Not nail polish! (his feet glow) You sick little monster. Face my morning breath. (inhales then exhales rancid odor that makes SpongeBob's head dissolve)
SpongeBob: You, sir, could use some dental hygiene.
Patrick: Who me? My teeth are fine. See? (shows his teeth are gross and yellow)
SpongeBob: A little toothpaste and you'll have teeth like mine. (shows his white teeth. Patrick screams and runs away. SpongeBob jumps on him and starts brushing his teeth)
SpongeBob: You've got to brush in little circles!(laughs)
Patrick: (throws SpongeBob off and screams) Minty fresh. Taste pit, evildoer.(Patrick's armpit hairs fly out and grab SpongeBob. SpongeBob is rubbed against Patrick's armpit and now his face is dirty)
SpongeBob: You're a stinky, stinky sea star. I think you could use a shot of this. (shows a can of deodorant spray)
Patrick: No! No, no, not deodorant! (SpongeBob mists the can and Patrick tries to run away but the spray kills his armpit hair)
Patrick: (sniffs) My beautiful pit-stink -- it's gone. The gloves are off now. (takes his glove off to show a human hand) It's booger time.
SpongeBob: Oh, booger-schmooger. You don't even have a nose.
Patrick: Oh, yeah? (face tightens as he forms a nose. SpongeBob gasps as the human hands picks from the human nose)
SpongeBob: Agh! Booger! (screams. Patrick is chasing SpongeBob into the Krusty Krab) Run! Run, Mr. Krabs. Patrick is digging for gold! (they run into the kitchen)
Mr. Krabs: Gold! (giggles. Runs into the kitchen then comes right back out)
Squidward: Did you get any of Patrick's gold?
Mr. Krabs: He's not digging for any gold I'm looking for.
(cuts to the kitchen)
Patrick: A-ha! I've got you now.
SpongeBob: (notices a knife and some onions to the left of him) Careful, Patrick, I've got a weapon. Waa! (throws 2 onions that land on Patrick's eyes)
Patrick: (screams) Raw onions!(starts sobbing) That does it! (picks up a krabby patty) See this?
SpongeBob: A krabby patty? What are you going to do-- eat it?
Patrick: Oh, I'm not going to eat it. (puts the patties on his feet)
SpongeBob: No, not patty socks!
Patrick: That's right. Your precious patties on my stinky feet. (starts jumping up and down)
SpongeBob: You better stop that.
Patrick: (laughs) Stinky, little feet.
SpongeBob: (grunting angrily) You stop that right now! (his whole head turns red)
Patrick: Hopping...(Patrick is sent flying out of the Krusty Krab)..clams! (he lands in a dumpster then climbs out) Hey. I got my filth back.
SpongeBob: Not for long, Mr. Sticky Shorts! You won't have your filth once I use this on you. (eats a bar of soap)
Patrick: (takes a step back) No. Not soap! You wouldn't dare.
SpongeBob: (bubbling) Try me.
Patrick: (lifts up the dumpster) Stay back! I'll do it!
SpongeBob: It's too late for that. (SpongeBob shoots bubbles at Patrick while he throws the dumpster on top of SpongeBob)
Patrick: My beautiful filth. It's gone. I'm squeaky clean.
SpongeBob: I'm covered in muck and scum.
Patrick: Man, to get my filth back, I'll have to wallow in mud forever...
SpongeBob: It'll take weeks for me to get clean. I'll need 20 baths a day.
Patrick: ...slather toe jam on my armpits...
SpongeBob: I'll have to disinfect my eyeballs...
Patrick: ...smear slime on my teeth.
SpongeBob: ...and dry-clean my uvula. (both giggle)
Both: All right!
SpongeBob: Now that I'm filthy, I can spend all day getting clean.
Patrick: And since I'm clean, I could get even filthier! Thanks, SpongeBob. (shakes hands)
SpongeBob: No, Patrick, thank you.
Both: (hugging each other) You're my best friend ever.
Fish #1: Hey, what's going on here? This battle isn't over until we have a winner.
SpongeBob: Fret not, my dear friend, for I have learned the truth. It matters not whether one is dirty or clean. For can cleanliness exist without filthiness? And would we know filthiness without cleanliness? We must not reenact the history that divides us. Rather, we must embrace that which draws us together. All must be free to choose their own path. Right, friend Patrick?
Patrick: Squeaky clean. Squeaky-- it's squeaky.
SpongeBob: Mm-hmm, he has embraced the truth.
Fish #1: Wow. I think the little guy has taught us a valuable lesson.
SpongeBob: And what is that, my son?
Fish #1: That reenacting battles is really lame. (talks to other Harold and Thaddeus) C'mon, guys. Let's play something more manly like football...
Fish #2: Or hockey.
Fish #3: Or knitting fluffy sweaters.
All: Yeah!
SpongeBob: Come, Patrick, my work here...is done. (walks off into the sunset)
End