Back

I Had an Accident

(Patrick is screaming down Sand Mountain when his board comes off his feet and he slams into a mountain into pieces. The word "DEAD" flashes. Zoom out to see Patrick playing a game while riding down Sand Mountain for real)
Patrick: Aww, I got dead again. This game stinks. (slams into a rock that sends him flying into a mountain like in the game)
Sandy: See, that's why you must always pay attention to the mountain.
Spongebob: I'm listening to you, mountain! (rides down)Don't eat the yellow sand, Patrick!
Patrick: Oh yeah, I forgot. (eats yellow sand)
Spongebob: Hey, Sandy, watch me do the "Grouchy Squidward".
Squidward: Stop naming moves after me.
Spongebob: (imitating Squidward) Everybody's an idiot except for me.
Squidward: Well, it's true.
Spongebob: (laughs like Squidward. Sandy and Patrick laugh at Spongebob's imitation)
Sandy: (gasps) Spongebob, look out for that tree!
Spongebob: Huh? (goes around the tree) Don't worry guys, everything's under control because I'm an... (boards off mountain) experrrrrrt! (stops in front of the mountain) Huh, that's funny. Someone turned the mountain upside down. (Spongebob is upside down and falls towards the ground) Ahh!
Sandy: Spongebob, land on your bottom! It'll cushion the impact of the fall!
Spongebob: (takes off his pants) Like this?
Patrick: No, your other bottom!
Sandy: Don't you have to be stupid somewhere else?
Patrick: Not until 4:00. (Spongebob crashes into the ground breaking his entire bottom half of body into pieces)
Sandy: Ooh, that's got to hurt.
Patrick: Do it again! I wasn't looking! (cut to hospital)
Doctor: Well, it looks like your gluteus maximus has made a full recovery.
Spongebob: My what has a what now?
Doctor: Your butt's all better. It's really quite amazing. It took 20 hours to put it all back together. We actually ran out of staples and had to use a gluestick. Yep, you're a lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, luck boy. But from now on, I'd like you to be more careful. One more injury like that and you could wind up like that poor creature right there with the Iron Butt.
:Tom (in the Iron Butt): Aww, man. It itches!
Spongebob: (outside hospital) You heard the Doctor, Spongebob. One more injury like that and it's the Iron Butt! I've been too careless back there. From now on I'm on round the clock butt patrol. (notices fish behind him) Hey, stay away from the backside! I'm warning you.
Fish #1: What's your problem?
Spongebob: That was a close one!
Football Player: Hey, Spongebob, why don't you join us? We need an extra player. (another football player catches a football) Nice catch, Percy! (slaps Percy's butt)
Fish #2: Hey, Spongebob! You've gotta try this, dude! We finally got enough people for a 7 mile spanking machine! (crawls between other legs while they spank him) Ouch, ouch. Ouch!
Fish #3: Next! (Spongebob screams and aruns back to his house)
Squidward: Is this where the line starts?
Spongebob: My butt is not safe out here! (goes inside his pineapple and shuts the door then looks out the window) No part of me is safe! (cut to Sandy Mountain where Sandy and Patrick are sandboarding up to Spongebob's house)
Sandy: Hey, Spongebob!
Patrick: (laughs hysterically as Sandy stares at him. He stops laughing) That was fun.
Sandy: Hey, Spongebob, you ready to go sandboarding again? Spongebob?
Spongebob: Hello friends. Enjoying the outside world?
Sandy: What ya'll doing in the middle of the floor like that?
Spongebob: Oh, living out the remainder of my life in safety. If you guys were smart, you would join me. That accident made me realize that it's dangerous out there. I was one of the lucky ones. I'm a survivor. And so I simply decided I'm never leaving my house again.
Sandy: That's crazy talk!
Patrick: That's not crazy talk. This is crazy talk! (talks gibberish. Sandy punches the top of his head to go inside his body) Sorry.
Spongebob: No, Patrick's right, Sandy. You saw what happened and next time it won't just be my butt, it'll be my armpit or my forehead.
Patrick: Or your other armpit!
Spongebob: I was wrong to go against nature. I'm a sponge, what was I thinking? Walking. My people are sedentary.
Sandy: Just sittin' in your house? Ain't you gonna get lonesome?
Spongebob: I won't be lonesome. I got all the friends I need right here. This is Penney. And Chip. And say hello to Used Napkin.
Sandy: Well, how will you keep your job at the Krusty Krab?
Spongebob: No problem! A really long spatula. (grabs the spatula above his head and flips the patties at work)
Sandy: What about eating?
Spongebob: I'm a sponge! I'll just filter feed. (breathes in a weird way)
Sandy: Spongebob, sooner or later you're gonna have to go outside!
Spongebob: Listen, I told you I'm never going outside again.
Patrick: Never ever?
Spongebob: Never ever ever.
Patrick: Never never ever ever for never ever?
Spongebob: Never ever never never ever ever never.
Patrick: Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever?
Spongebob and Patrick: Never ever never never ever never ever never never ever ever...
Spongebob: Alright Patrick, that is enough! Chip, would you mind showing these two to the door? (throws Chip to the door. Door opens)
Patrick: Thank you, Chip. (closes door. outside) I guess I'm going to have to find a new best friend. Hey, Squidward!
Squidward: No!
Patrick: Aw.
Sandy: Don't worry, Patrick, we'll get Spongebob to come outside and then he'll see there's nothing to be afraid of.
Patrick: And that's when I punch him, right? (Sandy gives Patrick a evil look)
Sandy: Look at the jellyfish out here! Too bad Spongebob is missing out on all the fun!
Patrick: I caught one! Haha. (puts his head in net then takes it out with the jellyfish attached like a nose) Huh? (screams as he gets zapped)
Spongebob: (Patrick screaming in background) Look at those fools. Risking their lives, jellyfishing. My new hobby is much safer, isn't it Chip? Dust collecting! (takes out a very tiny net and swings it around) I think I caught one!
Sandy: We've got to try something else. (cut to later where Sandy and Patrick are carrying a birthday cake)
Sandy and Patrick: Three cheers on your birthday, Spongebob. Three cheers for you!
Sandy: Now you have to blow out the candle and make a wish.
Spongebob: I don't need a wish, Penny. All that I could ever want is right here. In fact, let's sing our own song about the joy of staying indoors.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
I know of a place where you never get harmed
A magical place with magical charms
Indoors Indoors Indoors
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Spongebob: Take it away, Penny! (zoom on penny)
Patrick: That penny has the most beautiful voice.
Sandy: That is it, SquarePants! We're gonna find you something that's so dang fun that you'll have to come outside.
Sandy: Trampoline!
Patrick: Ice cream!
Sandy: Underwater surfing!
Patrick: Two ice creams!
Sandy: Ferris wheel!
Patrick: (the ice creams are melting) Still two ice creams!
Sandy: Clam wrestling!
Patrick: Washing an old person!
Sandy: Patrick, that's not fun.
Old man: It is for me.
Sandy: (Patrick and Sandy are looking into Spongebob's window and seeing him breath weird again) Nothing's working, Patrick.
Patrick: What do we do?
Old man: I say we take a bath.
Sandy: What? Would you get out of here? Now remember, don't jump out 'til I give the signal.
Patrick: Right. Alright, Spongebob, you win. Stay inside forever. Yours is truly the iron will. Now, Pat!
Patrick: (jumps out and acts like a silly gorilla)
Sandy: Eek! A gorilla! Save me Spongebob!
Spongebob: Ok guys. Really, this is your saddest attempt yet. Even Chip knows that's Patrick in the same costume he wore for Halloween last year.
Sandy: No, really! You gotta come save me!
Patrick #2: Hey, Sandy, who's your friend?
Sandy: But you're supposed to be in the gorilla suit.
Patrick #1: I am in the gorilla suit. (unzips the gorilla suit) I thought I was doing a pretty good job.
Sandy: If you're Patrick, then who's that? (other Patrick unzips his costume to show a real gorilla)
Sandy: (gasps) A real gorilla?!
Spongebob: Huh? (Sandy and Patrick scream. The gorilla puts both of them into a bag and starts tossing it around) Oh my gosh! This can't be happening! (gorilla continues to toss around the bag) This is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about. Well, they were asking for it. It's not like I didn't warn them about the dangers of outside. Yes, Chip, I know they're my two dearest friends in the world, but I told them I wasn't going outside no matter what. We can do without the name calling, thank you very much, Used Napkin! I know, Chip. If it was me out there, bagged by an ape, Patrick and Sandy would risk anything to save me. And I've got to do the same for them. If I don't come back, Chip, take good care of Gary.
Gary: Meow. (takes a bite out of Chip)
Spongebob: Well, here I go. From the safety of my home to the outside world. (opens the door) I'm taking my first step. So far, so good. I think I can do this! (a paper flies onto his face) Ahh! Oh, dear Neptune, get off of me! Get off of me. Chip, help me! Help me! (removes the paper off his face) I'm still alive! I did it. I made it ouside. Nothing can stop me now! (the gorilla grabs Spongebob)
Spongebob: Is it too late to go back inside yet? (gorilla rips Spongebob in half)
Spongebob: It's too late. Patrick? Sandy?
Sandy and Patrick: (still in the bag) Yeah, Spongebob?
Spongebob: I'm sorry I caused all this. I'm not scared of going outside anymore. But I'm terrified of gorillas now.
Sandy: Well, that's okay, Spongebob. Us, too.
Right Side of Spongebob: You know what I don't understand, though?
Left Side of Spongebob: What?
Right Side of Spongebob: What's a gorilla doing underwater in the first place?
Gorilla: Well, you see, it's funny you should...I mean... You see the thing... George, they're onto us!
George: (in a horse suit) Let's get out of here. (the gorilla hops onto the horse. TV zooms out to show a real family confused at what they just watched. The mom and dad look at each other then turn the TV off)
End