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The Smoking Peanut

Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: iPlankton

(The episode starts at the Bikini Bottom Zoo.)
Narrator: Ah... Bikini Bottom Zoo is having its annual free day. Free balloons...
(Mr. Krabs, disguised in a mustache, steals a whole bunch of balloons from a man.)
Narrator: Free drinks...
(Mr. Krabs comes by and fills up a huge barrel.)
Narrator: Free... light bulbs?
(Mr. Krabs unscrews a light bulb from a lamp post and puts it into his pants just as the police arrive.)
Mr. Krabs: Aha! Top of the mornin', boys!
(Laughs nervously)
Mr. Krabs: Next stop: gift shop.
(As he runs into the gift shop, SpongeBob and Patrick walk by wearing zoo hats.)
SpongeBob: There it is... Oyster Stadium. Not only do they have the largest oyster held in captivity, it also does tricks!
(Like an announcer)
SpongeBob: He spits a giant pearl 100 feet in the air! Like a cannonball!
(SpongeBob crumples up his hat and spits it into the air and into a little fish's ice cream.)
Patrick: What are we hanging around watching a cheap imitation? Let's get over there!
(The two run into the stadium.)
Both: This is the greatest day of our lives!
(They see the oyster is asleep.)
Patrick: This is the greatest day of our lives? Boring.
SpongeBob: You're right, Patrick. We came to see (Announcer voice) pearls 100 feet in the air, (normal voice) Right? I'll try my oyster call.
(SpongeBob makes a strange noise, but he gives up, because the oyster is asleep.)
Patrick: Well, I'm outta here. Thanks for nothin', SpongeBob.
(Patrick walks away.)
SpongeBob: Come on, come on, wake up already!
(He pulls out his bag of sea peanuts. He looks left and right and then throws one at the oyster. The oyster stirs.)
SpongeBob: I think it's working!
(The oyster looks around.)
SpongeBob: Hey Patrick, it's waking up!
Patrick: Oh boy, did I miss it?
SpongeBob: No, the show's about to begin!
(The oyster suddenly wails at the top of its lungs. Two zoo employees come running into the arena.)
Zoo Worker #1: What's wrong with Clamu?
Zoo Worker #2: Easy girl, it's me, Joe! Remember?
(The clam snarls and uses its tongue to throw Joe out of Oyster Stadium. Patrick and nervous SpongeBob wait at the stands.)
Patrick: Now this is a show!
Announcer: Attention zoo patrons! Clamu the giant oyster is on an emotional rampage! Please scream and run around in circles. Thanks for coming.
(The crowd does that. In the stadium, Clamu is still smashing things. The zoo worker goes up to SpongeBob and Patrick.)
Zoo Worker #1: You boys better get out of this area, pronto! There's nothing more dangerous than an emotionally disturbed oyster!
(The worker points menacingly at SpongeBob.)
Zoo Worker #1: You didn't do anything that might have caused this horrible tragedy, did you?
SpongeBob: Uh…
Patrick: No way! Only a jerk would upset a gentle giant. Right, SpongeBob?
(SpongeBob hides the peanut bag.)
SpongeBob: Right.
(Cut to Patrick and SpongeBob leaving the zoo.)
Patrick: Man, if I see the guy who upset Clamu, I've got a few choice words for him, like "you"… and "are"… and… "a jerk!"
(SpongeBob and Patrick have now gotten to Conch Street, where their houses are.)
Patrick: Are you sure you didn't see anything suspicious?
SpongeBob: I already said I didn't, Patrick! Sheesh!
(Walks up his cobblestone path into his pineapple.)
Patrick: Hey, let's investigate this crime and catch the lowlife who's responsible!
SpongeBob: Give it a rest, Patrick! There's no crime to investigate! Now go home!
(Inside the pineapple.)
SpongeBob: Stupid Patrick, I didn't do anything wrong. Ah, what am I getting so worked up about? I'm sure that by tomorrow, this whole ugly mess will be a funny memory!
(He chuckles and turns on the TV.)
Realistic Fish Head: Our top story tonight: giant oyster has its feelings hurt! The only clue that could be found was this lone peanut! And as you can hear, the oyster continues to omit its horrible cry. A cry so powerful, it can be heard around the world!
(We see live action footage of people holding their ears in the Egypt, Holland, and the Arabia. Then, we are shown the stadium again.)
Realistic Fish Head: A cry that not only breaks the sound barrier, it breaks the hearts of our citizens!
(We then see guilty SpongeBob onlooking in horror.)
Realistic Fish Head: What kind of cruel, careless, evil person would deliberately upset one of Neptune's most gentle creatures?
(Hans uses a tissue to wipe a tear off the fish head's face. The TV turns off.)
Gary: Meow?
SpongeBob: AHHH!!! No Gary, how would I know anything about the oyster?
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Defensive? I'm not being defensive! Barnacles! What is this, 20 questions or something?
(He peers out the window at Oyster Stadium, where we hear Clamu's cries.)
SpongeBob: This is getting a little out of hand. All I did was throw a peanut. I didn't mean to make the oyster cry. I just wanted to see it perform spectacular stunts! Aw, everyone's going to hate me! I, I need some advice! Now let's see now, who could never hate me no matter what I do?
(Cut to SpongeBob knocking on Squidward's door.)
SpongeBob: Squidward? Squidward! Oh, Squidward!
Squidward: SpongeBob! Do you have to knock so loudly?
SpongeBob: Sorry, neighbor.
Squidward: Oh… that overgrown clam is giving me a headache! I can't even take my afternoon beauty nap!
SpongeBob: Funny thing you should mention that old oyster, because I… uh… was kind of wondering, um… Let's say I know this guy who may have something to do with the oyster.
Squidward: You know the guy who did it!?!
SpongeBob: Gulp!
Squidward: Oh this is great! You and I can go turn him in! And than I'll get so much sleep, I'll be gorgeous!
SpongeBob: Um, actually, I-I'm just talking hypothetically.
Squidward: You mean you don't know who did it?
SpongeBob: Well, um... I... uh... no.
(Squidwars slams his door)
SpongeBob: Squidward?
(On his way home, he encounters Patrick in a Sherlock Holmes outfit.)
Patrick: Gotcha!
(SpongeBob screams and jumps out of his pants.)
Patrick: Where were you on the day of today? Don't play games with me, mister!
SpongeBob: Hey Patrick, what are you doing?
Patrick: Oh, hi, SpongeBob. I'm just continuing my investigation of the great Clamu Caper!
SpongeBob: Um, have you found out anything?
Patrick: Yes! No wait, uh… no.
(Holds up sand.)
Patrick: But this grain of sand looks pretty suspicious, and so does this rock! And I've got a few questions for this little piece of grass! Don't worry, SpongeBob! Patrick's on the case! The truth will be revealed!
(SpongeBob runs away.)
SpongeBob: I better go see Sandy! She'll know what to do!
(We see Sandy and SpongeBob in the treedome, and we can hear Clamu crying.)
Sandy: Oh, I can't stand it anymore! That poor, poor critter! What kind of inconsiderate person would upset such a gentle creature?
SpongeBob: Uh, that's kind of what I wanted to talk about, Sandy.
Sandy: Why, when I find out who caused that oyster so much pain, no more jiggery-pokery!
(Holds up the Bikini Bottom Phone Book and rips it in half in front of SpongeBob.)
Sandy: Now, what was it you wanted to talk about, SpongeBob?
(SpongeBob tries t ospeak, but cannot.)
Sandy: Hey SpongeBob, how come you're all twitchy like that?
SpongeBob: Twitchy? Twitchy? Who's twitchy? I'm not twitchy! Sorry Sandy, I have to, um… um… go get my hair cut!
(He runs home.)
Sandy: SpongeBob doesn't have hair… or does he?
(SpongeBob runs down the block panting. He runs to the house and tries to open the door. Patrick approaches him to talk.)
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob!
(SpongeBob is startled and he falls apart. His limbs and facial features all reattach in different places.)
Patrick: This is it! All the clues are coming together. I followed these footprints right to this exact spot and then, right where you're standing, I found this bag of peanuts! Ha! Oh, I'm so close to solving this crime, I can almost taste it.
(Zoom in on Patrick's mouth next to SpongeBob's head, which he licks. Well, he's actually licking a yellow ice cream pop that has ridges and green spots.)
Patrick: Boy, crime fighting sure makes me hungry, and this yellow popsicle hits the spot!
SpongeBob: OK, good luck with all that Patrick, and, um, I guess I'll see you later!
(He shuts the door, and inside...)
Fish: Open up! This is the police!
(SpongeBob's eyes pop out of his head.)
SpongeBob: Uh, I- just a second!
(Two policefish bust in and one flashes his I.D.)
Policefish #1: Are you SpongeBob SquarePants?
SpongeBob: Y-y-yes.
Policefish #1: Put those eyeballs back in your head, son! We've got a few seconds for you.
(SpongeBob puts them in and twists them like a dial until the are positioned )
Policefish #2: Were you at the zoo on the day of the oyster incident?
SpongeBob: Y-yes!
(Hides in his pants.)
Policefish #2: Did you, or did you not take part in various activities of zoo-time merriment?
SpongeBob: Yes…
(He sinks even lower into his pants)
Policefish #2: And are you familiar with this peanut?
(Holds up a zip-locked peanut with "Exhibit A" written on it.)
SpongeBob: Yes!
(His eyes peer out over the top of his pants. The bottom of his pants rip, and his body falls through.)
Policefish #2: Just one more question… Is it true that you at the oyster's lair with a Mr. Patrick Star?
(SpongeBob begins to cry.)
SpongeBob: Yes! Yes! It's true! It's all true! The merriment, the peanut, the Patrick!
Policefish #2: That's all we need to know, son. Let's book him!
(We see stubby, pink hands being handcuffed.)
Patrick: Wow, you guys are good. I'm the last person I would have suspected, but I was looking for me all the time! It's the perfect crime!
Policefish #2: Yeah, yeah, tell it to the judge, Pinky!
(THe policefish escort Patrick out.)
SpongeBob: Oh no! Patrick's too sensitive for the big house!
(SpongeBob follows the police boat to the zoo.)
SpongeBob: Wait! Stop! I'm the one you want! I am the criminal!
(At Oyster Stadium, the fish throw peanuts at Patrick, chained to a stand next to Clamu.)
Fish #1: Hey everybody, let's throw peanuts at him and see how he likes it!
(The crowd agrees to this.)
Patrick: I get what I deserve!
(Swallows the peanuts as they fly. The last one was hard for him to swallow.)
Patrick: Ouch.
SpongeBob: Wait! Hold your peanuts! Patrick Star is innocent! I have come here to reveal the truth! They say that truth and honesty will be rewarded with trust and forgiveness…
Patrick: Dum, dum, dum dum, de, dum...
SpongeBob: I'm here to lay my cards on the table, to trim the branches of deception from the tree of life, to shave away the unkempt sideburns from the face of truth! I…
Fish #1: Ay! Just get on with it!
SpongeBob: I was the one who threw the peanut! I know now that what I have done is wrong. So I say, I am sorry, giant performing oyster. I am sorry, Patrick. I am sorry, citizens of Bikini Bottom.
Fish #1: Hey! Let's throw peanuts at both of them!
(The crowd does so.)
Zoo Worker #1: Wait! Here's the real criminal!
(Shoves Mr. Krabs in with his moustache.)
Mr. Krabs: Uh, top of the mornin'!...?
(His moustache falls off.)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!
(All gasp.)
Patrick: I knew it!
Zoo Worker #1: Mr. Krabs has stolen a very important item from the oyster. Behold!
(He rips off Krabs' clothes, to the crowd's disgust.)
Zoo Worker #1: Wait a minute...
(Puts Mr. Krabs' clothes back on and holds something up.)
Zoo Worker #1: Behold! The oyster's pearl! Here you go girl.
(He tips his hat to Clamu after giving her her pearl. Clamu smells it, and the audience loves the fact that Clamu was reunited with it. Then, the pearl starts to crack and the crowd gasps, thinking Krabs broke it. But lo and behold, a baby clam energes from it.)
Baby Oyster: Mama! Mama!
SpongeBob: Mother of pearl! That oyster's a mother! And that pearl's no pearl, it's an egg!
(Baby Oyster jumps on top of Clamu and they happily grunt. A tiny heart appears.)
All: Awww…
(Then, they all turn to Mr. Krabs angrily.)
Mr. Krabs: But it's free day!
(The crowd throws peanuts at Krabs.)