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Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: sireatsalot

(SpongeBob and Sandy are lying on the ground, looking up at the sky.)
Sandy: You know, SpongeBob, sometimes it's nice to hang up my hang glider and just watch the clouds roll by.
SpongeBob: Yep, and just relax.
Sandy: Yeah, relax. (she takes her arms out of her suit and rests her head on her hands inside her helmet)
SpongeBob: (excitedly pointing toward the sky) Ooh, ooh, ooh! You know what that cloud looks like?!
Sandy: What?
SpongeBob: A flower.
Sandy: They all look like flowers, SpongeBob. All the time.
SpongeBob: They sure do.
Sandy: You know, normally I'd offer to race you to the top of Coral Cliffs, but I don't wanna miss out on a second of this beautiful beauty.
SpongeBob: Me either. Who wants to get all dirty, anyway?
Sandy: Yeah. And sweaty. Besides, I think we'd know who'd get to the top first.
SpongeBob: Yeah
(Both laugh at the same time)
Sandy & SpongeBob: Me!
SpongeBob: That's funny Sandy, it sounded like you said you could beat me in a climbing contest.
Sandy: (sitting up) Course I can! I'm a squirrel. (Her hands show off a close-up of the acorn on her suit.) See?
SpongeBob: I thought that meant you were nuts?
Sandy: (stands up) Nope! It means I'm a natural-born climber. I'm from the surface world, and nothin' prepares you for climbin' like growin' up on good ol' dry land.
SpongeBob: (laughs, and is standing now, also) Land, shmand! It's all about finger strength, baby, and if there's anything we've got plenty of down here, it's finger strength. (He makes grunting noises and muscular poses with his fingers.) Whaddya say to that, Miss Mittens?
Sandy: (halfway up the cliff) I'd say I'm already half way there!
SpongeBob: Aaahh! (runs after her) No fair, Sandy! You gotta head start.
(Sandy picks at a ledge with a pickaxe until it gives way as SpongeBob tries to climb up.)
Sandy: Sorry, SpongeBob. That's the way the coral crumbles!
SpongeBob: Hey!! You did that on purpose!
Sandy: Yeah, but this is an accident! (She pulls more loose rocks off the cliff that fall toward SpongeBob, causing him to fall off.)
SpongeBob: Aaaaahhhhhhh!!!
Sandy: Too bad you forgot your umbrella!
SpongeBob: (floating up holding an umbrella, and speaking in a sing-songy voice) I didn't! (laughs)
(Sandy is waiting in a recliner at the top of the cliff, reading a newspaper.)
Sandy: Well, it's about time you showed up.
SpongeBob: But you were…I saw you…I…duh… I wanna rematch!! (He walks over to the other side of Sandy and looks out over the scenery, the Krusty Krab is in the background.) First one to the Krusty Krab is the winner.
Sandy: Ain't no way a sea critter can run faster than a land critter.
SpongeBob: I can underwater. I'm (in a low, manly voice) hydro dynamically designed. (The wind is shown blowing through SpongeBob's holes.) Think you can win a fair race in that clunky tin tube?
Sandy: Why don't you ask my be-hind…that is, if you can catch it. (Camera is tight on Sandy.) Whaddya say to that, HydroPants?
SpongeBob: (off camera) I say I'm already halfway there… halfway there… (Camera pans back out to show an old phonograph that is skipping, making SpongeBob's voice repeat itself.) Halfway there… halfway there…
Sandy: (seeing the phonograph, she gasps) Hey!!!
(SpongeBob is laughing and running towards the Krusty Krab when he suddenly runs into a brick wall. Sandy springboards off his face and over the wall.)
Sandy: Thanks for the facelift! (she runs through the doors of the Krusty Krab, appearing to be the first there) Ya see! I told ya ya didn't have a ch… (she's cut off by SpongeBob, who is wearing an old person get-up)
SpongeBob: (in an old man's voice) There you are. Ain't that just like a land creature, ta keep us sea creatures…eh…uh… waitin'! (He tears off the old person costume and laughs.)
Sandy: I thought y'all wanted a rematch!
SpongeBob: I did! And I took a head start, like you did!
Sandy: Well, I was just funnin' with ya that time, but I guess all y'all underwater don't have ta play fair.
SpongeBob: I guess we don't, air breather!
Sandy: Water sucker!
SpongeBob: Tree climber!
Sandy: Gulf streamer!
SpongeBob: Kite flyer!
Sandy: Chum chewer!
SpongeBob: (gasps) Take that back you… not wet person!
Sandy: Ah ha! You can't even come up with another name! That proves it.
SpongeBob: Proves what?
Sandy: That land critters are better than sea critters.
(In the background, Patrick walks past Sandy and stops between her and SpongeBob.)
Patrick: Better at what?
Sandy: Oh, dern near everything, I guess. Cattle ropin', an' pie eatin', an' wood choppin', an' flyin'.
(Now Squidward has walked up to the conversation.)
Squidward: What's she blabbering about?
Patrick: She says land creatures are best.
Sandy: Only ‘cause it's true. We're best at horse ridin', an' fur stylin', an' rowin'. Y'all got us licked in swimmin', but we got corn shuckin', an' hay balin', an' barn raisin', (by now Mr. Krabs has joined the group) an' fishin'. (Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward all let out a gasp.) And name callin', for sure.
Squidward: And drowning. Don't forget drowning. (SpongeBob laughs, then turns to Squidward)
SpongeBob: Good one, Squidward! Whooo! (he jumps in the air and reaches up his hand to give Squidward a high-five)
Squidward: Not on your life, sport. (SpongeBob falls flat on his face)
SpongeBob: I'll admit, you've got some pretty good moves… for a squirrel. (All but Sandy laughs) But you're still just a land creature.
Sandy: Squirrels can do anything they want to.
Patrick: I bet they can't eat a Krabby Double Deluxe in one bite. (he holds up a krabby patty, stuffs the whole thing in his mouth, and swallows it whole)
Sandy: Gimme that! (she grabs another patty) They don't call me Cheeks for nothin'.
(She slams the patty towards her mouth, only to have it smear all over her air helmet. The others laugh hysterically.)
Patrick: Thank you, thank you.
Sandy: Well, that's just one thing.
Mr. Krabs: Can you do this? (he makes his eyes to go in and out of his shell) Everyone in my family can do that!
Sandy: Uh…uh. (she tries to move her eyes like Mr. Krabs did)
Squidward: How about this! Huh? (he spins five plates on sticks while balancing on one foot)
SpongeBob: Can you reproduce by budding? (A SpongeBob bud pops out on his side.) Can ya? (another pops up on his other side) Can ya? (another on his head) Can ya? (one more pops up on the first bud) Can ya?
Sandy: No!
SpongeBob: Most importantly, can you do… this. (SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs, Squidward, and Patrick all get big, round eyes and start breathing deep.)
Sandy: Well, what would I wanna do any of that dumb stuff for, anyway?
SpongeBob: Admit it, Sandy, you can't do anything us sea creatures can do. In fact, if it wasn't for that suit, you couldn't even live down here. (They all laugh again.)
Sandy: Well you don't… I don't need to… (the others are still laughing so hard it makes Sandy mad) Grrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhh!!! I'll show y'all! I don't need this suit. (tears her suit off)
(SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs, Squidward, and Patrick suddenly stop laughing and gasp.)
Sandy: And I don't need this helmet, neither! (lifts off the helmet and tosses it on the floor, breaking it, an air bubble rises)
Mr. Krabs: Neptune preserve her!
Squidward: How long can she stay like that?
SpongeBob: I don't know!
Patrick: Sandy's a girl?!
SpongeBob: Wow, Sandy! You sure proved us wrong. I guess land creatures are better…(bubbles are seen rising near Sandy's face) at least until they need to breathe! (the group starts laughing again and surrounds Sandy) Yep, won't be long now.
Sandy: (looking worried) Mm.
SpongeBob: Feelin' light-headed yet?
Sandy: (shaking her head) N-nn.
SpongeBob: Remember this? (takes a deep breath)
(Sandy is seen sweating profusely.)
Mr. Krabs: It's fre-ee! (takes a deep breath)
(Sandy's face turns red. We then can see the inside of her chest, showing her lungs shriveling up and one of them falling to the bottom of her chest cavity. She gasps and looks around, frantically. She digs through stuff in the cashier's boat where Squidward usually stands behind the cash register and finds a pickle jar. She pops up with her head in the jar, a pickle still floating in the small amount of pickle juice left in it. The others are laughing hysterically.)
Sandy: Stop laughin' at me!
Mr. Krabs: I knew it! There was no way some air head was gonna win anything against a water breather.
Patrick: Air head! Huh! Hu-huh! Huh? (his head deflates, then he puts his thumb in his mouth and blows on it to inflate his head again)
Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob, Squidward, and Patrick: Sea creatures rule!! Water! Water! Water!
Sandy: All right, all right! You've had your little laugh, but now it's my turn! Y'all think you're such hot stuff, don't ya, swimmin' around with your fancy gills ‘n such, but none of you wet heads would last a minute on my turf… dry land!
Squidward: Do we have to wear pickle jars?
(Everyone but Sandy bursts out laughing.)
Sandy: Nope! Nothin' but the clothes on your backs.
SpongeBob: One minute? No problem… Landy! (everyone but Sandy laughs again)

(Cut to Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob, Squidward, Patrick, and Sandy, who's wearing a new water suit, walking up the base of Bikini Atoll. All but Sandy are still laughing. They stop laughing when they have gotten to where the water line is and can see the dry land.)
Sandy: Well, so are you goin' or not?
Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob, Squidward, and Patrick: (all speaking at once and with worried looks on their faces) Ah… well, uh… I…
SpongeBob: Actually, I…you know…
Squidward: We…we can't because…we…uh…
Mr. Krabs: We're late for um…
Patrick: Our fitting!
Sandy: Oh! You mean for your chicken costumes?!
(Patrick is now holding a box of popcorn.)
Patrick: Hey! We are not chicken! (He slams his box of popcorn to the ground as he says that, then looks down at it and gasps.) My popcorn! (He proceeds to bend over and peck at it, eating like a chicken would.)
SpongeBob: Yeah! We're not chicken, we'll do it! (He nervously glances up at the water surface, which is just over his head, and then sticks a finger out of the water and into the air.) (smiling again) There! Mission accomplished!
Sandy: (holding up a stop-watch) Look. Unless you can stay above water for one measly minute, you forfeit the contest and prove that land creatures are better than sea creatures.
SpongeBob: No way, San-day! We can take on your challenge.
Mr. Krabs, Squidward, and Patrick: Yeah!!
SpongeBob: We're not afraid of your dumb ol' land!
Mr. Krabs, Squidward, and Patrick: Yeah!!
SpongeBob: We're sea creatures!!
SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs, Squidward, and Patrick: Yeah! (They all run around in a circle until they finally get SpongeBob shoved to the front of the line to go up onto dry land. Mr. Krabs, Squidward, and Patrick are shaking. SpongeBob looks back at them.)
SpongeBob: Ok. Well, this is it. (Before he can take his first step, Mr. Krabs runs up to him, putting his arm around him.)
Mr. Krabs: Wait, boy! (he reaches around to his back pocket, pulling out a glass) Make it last.
SpongeBob: (taking the glass and tipping it towards his mouth to drink) Thanks, Mr. Krabs. Ok. (he turns away from the group, gulps hard, and starts walking) Here I go!

(We now see a surface scene with real water and an island. A plain yellow sponge on a stick, representing SpongeBob, pops up out of the water. It bobs around and you can hear SpongeBob breathing heavily.)
SpongeBob: Hey! This isn't so bad! (he proceeds up the island) We can do this. Hey, Patrick! Come on up, the air is fine!
(Cuts back to the other three still under water.)
Patrick: I'm gonna do it quick and get it over with. Cannonball! (He grabs his legs in a cannonball style and jumps toward the surface. As he emerges from the water, he looks like a real, dried star fish on a stick.) Hey I lost my trunks! Hi SpongeBob! (he turns and goes up the island to where SpongeBob is)
SpongeBob: Alright, Pat! You made it!
SpongeBob and Patrick: Come on, Mr. Krabs! Up here!
(Cuts back to Mr. Krabs and Squidward left in the water.)
Mr. Krabs: All ashore who's goin' ashore, Mr. Squidward! (starts running) Land-ho! (As he emerges from the water we see a realistic red crab on a stick. He proceeds to where Patrick and SpongeBob are.)
SpongeBob: Lookin' good, Mr. Krabs!
Patrick: Oh, yeah…woo hoo!
SpongeBob: Come on, Squidward, you're missin' all the dry! Come on, Squidward!
SpongeBob, Patrick, and Mr. Krabs: Squidward! Squidward! Squidward!
Squidward: Well, I'll do it. But I won't like it. (he walks toward the surface)
SpongeBob, Patrick, and Mr. Krabs: Squidward! Squidward! Squidward! Squid… (They stop chanting as soon as they see Squidward emerge. He looks like a realistic octopus on a stick, but with big eyes and his typical big, bulbous nose. Camera goes close up on him.)
Squidward: What?
SpongeBob: Well, here we are! (they all start walking through some palm trees, further onto the island)
Squidward: This is…pretty easy.
Patrick: I may keep a second rock up here.
Mr. Krabs: Once you get your land legs, it's not so bad!
SpongeBob: We're the masters of land and sea! (Suddenly, a seagull comes up next to them. Seagull noises are heard in the background.) Hey! It's a local. (at seagull) Hi! We're from underwater. Do you know Sandy Cheeks?
(Closeup of Seagull as it turns towards the camera.)
Sandy: (still underwater, looking at her stopwatch) Three. Two. One. Well, tan my fur! They made it! Better go congratulate ‘em. (She walks toward the surface and emerges from the water looking like a squirrel hand puppet with a clear dome on it's head.) SpongeBob? Patrick? Hmm…where'd those critters get to?
(We now see chaos further up the island where two seagulls are terrorizing SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs, Squidward and Patrick. One seagull has Patrick in it's mouth, the other is chasing around SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward. Sandy sees them and gasps.)
Sandy: Holy guacamole! You can't eat my friends, you rats with wings! Hi-ya! (She runs off camera and we hear karate noises and see feathers flying. She briefly backs into the camera's view, then runs off to fight again.)

(Back to an animated ocean scene where we see Squidward, Mr. Krabs, Patrick, SpongeBob, and Sandy sinking gently back down to the bottom. Squidward is sinking upside down and lands on his head. )
SpongeBob: Uh... thanks for saving us, Sandy.
Sandy: Ya know, everyone's best at somethin'.
SpongeBob: But no one's best at everything. Sorry I made you take off your helmet, Sandy.
Sandy: Sorry I made you go up on dry land, SpongeBob.
Mr. Krabs: Three cheers for feelin' sorry for ourselves! Hip-hip…
All: Hooray!
Mr. Krabs: Hip-hip…
All: Hooray!
Mr. Krabs: Hip-hip…
(Cuts to the two seagulls on the island who are now featherless and lying on their backs.)
Seagulls: Hoo-ray.