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The Secret Box

Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: iPlankton

(SpongeBob runs out of his pineapple to go over to Patrick's rock.)
SpongeBob: Patrick! Patrick, Oh Patrick!
(Patrick jumps up from under his rock.)
SpongeBob: Are you ready to go jellyfishing?
Patrick: Oh, boy am I!
SpongeBob: Here's your net. Well come on, Patrick! The jellyfish don't catch themselves.
Patrick: First I have to put away my secret box.
(Patrick shows SpongeBob a cardboard shoe box.)
SpongeBob: Secret box? You never told me about secret box!
(SpongeBob tries to open it)
Patrick: Hey, hands off, PeepingBob! This my secret box! Besides, if I'd show you what's inside that won't be a secret anymore. Duh!
(Patrick looks into the secret box and giggles.)
Patrick: Oh, SpongeBob... If only you could see what's inside my secret box, it would change your life!
SpongeBob: It's okay Patrick, I know all about secrets.
Patrick: You do?
SpongeBob: I've got bazillion secrets!
Patrick: Like what?
SpongeBob: Well, it's not a secret that the best thing about a secret is secretly telling someone your secret. It's like secretly adding another secret to their secret collection of secrets. Secretly.
(Patrick's mind is blowing a fuse, and sparks come out of his head.)
SpongeBob: You wanna hear some of my secrets?
Patrick: Oh, do I!
SpongeBob: Um... Let's see now... Did you know that... You're my best friend?
Patrick: No. Way. Oh, let's hear another one!
SpongeBob: Okay. um.. secretly I'm a little bit naïve.
Patrick: WOW! I'll never look at you the same way again, SpongeBob. Gosh. Tell me some more secrets!
SpongeBob: Erm.. okay. I love my job at the Krusty Krab, I sleep with my shoes on, I like Jelly on both sides of my toast, I have an overdue library book, I think jellyfishing and bubble-blowing are...
(Later, SpongeBob is still telling secrets.)
SpongeBob: ...I have a deep overbite, I've never been late for work, I like dancing on parking zone announcements, I still don't have my driving license and I'm wearing three pairs of underwear right now.
Patrick: Gosh. I would never have guessed.
SpongeBob: Now will you show me what's inside your secret box?
Patrick: No way, SpongeBob! It's for me to know and for you to never find out. You may be an open book SpongeBob, but I'm a bit more complicated than that. The inner macanations of my mind are an enigma.
(In Patrick's head, a glass of milk spills)
SpongeBob: Oh, yeah!?! Well, I have some secrets too. Erm… I've got my secret socks on, and my secret Gary's bowl!
(Drags Gary's bowl out and his scuba diver helmet TV.)
SpongeBob: My secret TV! And my secret TV channel.
(Turns the TV on to the color bar test.)
SpongeBob: What do you say now, Patrick?
(Patrick lies on the ground, opening his secret box and laughing.)
Patrick: Maybe if you saw what's inside you'd know why it has to be secret. Inside this box is the most secretly secret of all of secretdom and I am its sole witness! It's a heavy burden, SpongeBob, but nobody must know the secret of my box. Nobody! Not even... Squidward's house.
(We see Squidward's Easter Island Head house bent over the secret box, its port-hole eyes trying to get a peek.)
Patrick: It's a full-time job. I'm constantly on the alert. You'll never know when someone's gonna ... Huh!?!
(He notices SpongeBob carrying the box away and laughing, but he stops him.)
Patrick: SpongeBob! What do you think you're doing!?! That's my secret box! Now, hand it over!
SpongeBob: But, Patrick, I must know the secret!
Patrick: For the last time, SpongeBob, no!
SpongeBob: C'mon, Patrick, just a peep?
Patrick: Never!
(SpongeBob and Patrick are pull on the box and suddenly we hear a "pop". SpongeBob gasps, and we see his arms dangling from the box, connected to it, but not his body.)
Patrick: So, it's come to this. And to think that we joined the Best Friends Forever Club!
(He shows a "BFF" ring ring on his finger.)
Patrick: Listen up, SpongeBob SecretStealerPants! If you ever come close to my secret box again, we won't be friends anymore!
SpongeBob: But we're suppose to be friends forever.
(SpongeBob thinks of him and Patrick together as babies, kids, teenagers, adults, old men, and corpses in the grave. They laugh all the way through. SpongeBob starts crying.)
SpongeBob: I feel so filthy! I've soiled our friendship garden. I just couldn't help myself! I know that it's your secret and I respect that! Please forgive me, Patrick, please.
Patrick: Well, I guess it's not all your falt. After all, it's one great secret. I mean how can you resist the greatness of secret box. The most amazing, mysterious, powerful secret in all Bikini Bottom.
SpongeBob: So what dp ya say, buddy? Friends?
Patrick: Friends.
(They shake hands. That night at SpongeBob's pineapple house...) SpongeBob: What can be in that box that Patrick doesn't want me to see? Maybe it's the world's only albino jellyfish! Or maybe Patrick is a master jewel theif and it's full of diamonds. Maybe Patrick's a deranged maniac who keeps his victim's severed heads in the box. Or even worse! Maybe it's the embarrassing snap shot of me in the Christmas party. AAAHHHHHHH!!!
(He looks out the window.)
SpongeBob: I've gotta know what's inside that box if it's the last thing I do!
(His face squeezes through the front of his head to the back where he faces Gary.)
SpongeBob: That's it! How do you look in a secret box? Secretly, of course! I'll just take the box while Patrick is sleeping, look in that box and give it back before Patrick wakes up. Patrick will never notice and I'll have my own secret too. Good idea, eh, Gary?
Gary: Mmm... No.
SpongeBob: Oh what do you know, you're a snail!
(SpongeBob sneaks to Patrick's house and puts a sock over his head like a mask. First, it takes the shape of a woman's leg before his head and mask regain the square shape. He slips into Patrick's rock house to see Patrick sleeping, and Patrick says "secret" between snores.)
SpongeBob: (In his mind) I don't want to wake up Patrick so I better be quiet.
(SpongeBob makes a loud noise, but Patrick is still sleeping, so he takes three steps and makes another terrible noise, and Patrick is saying in his dream...)
Patrick: Duh, who's there?
(SpongeBob walks forward, and a loud creaking sound is made. He steps on a chip and it makes a breaking glass noise. Since Patrick is holding the secret box, SpongeBob slides into Patrick's arms to remove it. He does so, but now Patrick is holding him, and he keeps talking in his sleep.)
Patrick: Good ol' secret box. Let's see what's inside!
(Now, he opens SpongeBob's mouth and pulls on his tongue and starts laughing.)
Patrick: Nighty night, boxy.
(He puts SpongeBob away on his nightstand, and SpongeBob trips while maknig his way towards the exit. He falls, making all kinds of exaggerated noises, but Patrick is still asleep.)
SpongeBob: Gee, Patrick is sure a heavy sleeper.
Patrick: Huh? Who said that who's there!?!
SpongeBob: Umm...
Patrick: It's the ClamBurglar! And he's stealing my secret box! Hand over the goods, BoxBandit, and prepare for your most unpleasant pillow fight of your life!
(Patrick pulls his pillow and it makes a gun loading sound effect.)
SpongeBob: Wait, wait, wait, Patrick! It's me, SpongeBob.
(Pulls off the mask)
Patrick: Nice try, burglar, but SpongeBob is my best friend, and he would never steal from me.
SpongeBob: No, really, Patrick, look!
(Shows him the ring which opens and two little metal anamatronic SpongeBob and Patricks pop up and start singing & spinning like a minature music box.)


It's the Best Friends Forever,
Best Friends Forever Ring!


Patrick: Our friendship ring! It is you!
(Starts crying.)
Patrick: How could you do this!?!
SpongeBob: If it makes you feel better, I haven't looked inside.
Patrick: That's it, SpongeBob! You've crossed the line. This friendship is now over!!!
(SpongeBob tears up.)
SpongeBob: Really?
Patrick: Nah, you can look inside it if you really want to.
SpongeBob: Okay! Oh, this is one the most exciting moments of my life! Well, here it goes!
(Opens the box)
SpongeBob: Huh?
Patrick: Well, didn't I tell ya isn't it great?
SpongeBob: It's just a string.
(We see that this is true. In the box lies a piece of string.)
Patrick: A secret string!
SpongeBob: Boy, you're right, you're right! That's a strong secret you've got there! Yeah! Thanks for showing me that! Well, good night Patrick. See you tomorrow!
Patrick: Good night, SpongeBob!
(SpongeBob leaves Patrick's house.)
SpongeBob: I should've known it was just a string all along! Wait 'till I tell Gary!
(Patrick laughs uncontrollably as soon as SpongeBob leaves.)
Patrick: Good thing he didn't pull my secret string, opening my secret compartment of my secret box, revealing one embarrassing snapshot of SpongeBob at the Christmas Party!
(Patrick laughs again, and we see the Bikini Attoll Island at night.)
Patrick: Merry Christmas, SpongeBob! Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!