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I'm Your Biggest Fanatic

SpongeBob: Wow! I can't believe it. We're actually here at the bi-annual Jellyfish Convention.
Patrick: Jellyfish are awesome!
SpongeBob: Cool! State of the art jellyfish nets!
Patrick: (touches the jellyfish nets) Touch.
Security Guard: Don't touch.
SpongeBob: Wow! The harpoon from Jellyfish, The Movie!
Patrick: (touches the harpoon) Touch.
Security Guard: Don't touch!
SpongeBob: Look! Dr. Man-o-War, the guy who got stung by Big Lenny…and lived.
Dr. Man-o-War: (has a big sting sore on his neck) And now it only hurts when you touch it.
Patrick touches the sore.
Dr. Man-o-War: Owww!!!
Patrick: Touch.
Security Guard: Do I have to follow you all day?
SpongeBob: Ohhhh! Patrick, look! Can it be?
Patrick: Ice cream?
SpongeBob: No. It's the Jellyspotters. Bikini Bottom's premiere jellyfish enthusiast's club. Aahh!! And their leader, the coolest jellyfish enthusiast, ever… Kevin, the Sea Cucumber.
Patrick: What's so great about a nerdy pickle?
SpongeBob: If I could just touch the hem of his pocket protector, then maybe some of his greatness would rub off on me.
Patrick: SpongeBob, as a friend, I must say that's really geeky. (A fish in a Jeffrey Jellyfish costume walks by. Patrick gasps.) Omigosh, Jeffrey Jellyfish! W-w-wait Jeffrey! (Patrick runs after him) I have to touch you!
Security Guard: Hey!
(Kevin is seen on a stage surrounded by his fellow club members, a bunch of anchovies, looking down on an audience.)
Kevin: Bamboo? I only use composite materials in my net handle.
Audience: (mumbling under their breath to themselves as they jot down Kevin's comments) Composite materials…composite.
Kevin: Next question.
The audience looks up at Kevin, then starts writing again.
Audience: (under their breath) Next question…next question
(SpongeBob pops up in the front row with big eyes staring at Kevin.)
SpongeBob: Uh, hi Kevin.
Kevin: Hi. What is your question?
SpongeBob: Hi Kevin.
Kevin: Whatever. (He turns and points to another section of the audience where SpongeBob pops up.) Next question, please.
SpongeBob: Hi Kevin.
Kevin: Hello, loser. Alright, you, waaay in the back. (SpongeBob waves his hand in the back row and pops up again.)
SpongeBob: Hi Kevin.
Kevin: Does anyone here have an actual… (he gets cut off by SpongeBob breathing heavily, this time standing right next to him on the stage)
SpongeBob: Hi Kevin. (SpongeBob gets really close to Kevin) I'm your biggest fan.
Kevin: (backing away) You're too kind. Security!!
SpongeBob: No, wait!! I would do anything for you!
Kevin: Why don't you go jump off a building. Huh? (SpongeBob screams and is seen falling outside a window behind Kevin, and then appears right next to him again)
SpongeBob: Anything.
Kevin: Punch yourself in the face. (SpongeBob punches himself with a boxing glove-covered hand.) Doesn't that hurt you?
SpongeBob: Do you…want it to hurt me, Kevin? (The boxing glove changes to a metal glove with large spikes.)
(Kevin and the other Jellyspotters laugh hysterically.)
Kevin: That is the best! This guy's great. (He turns to Jellyspotters) We have got to bring this guy jellyfishing with us!
Jellyspotter 1: No, Kevin. No. He's a geek.
Kevin: Look, I won't let the guy join the club. I just want to see how many times he can get stung before he goes running home like a baby!
Jellyspotter 1: Meep, meep. Kevin's a genius.
Jellyspotters: (talking at once) Meep, meep. Kevin…genius…meep, meep.
Kevin: Hey kid! How'd you like to try out for the Jellyspotters?
(SpongeBob is shown on a hospital bed, his heart has flat-lined, with a doctor standing over him readying a defibrillator.)
Doctor: Clear! (places defibrillator paddles on SpongeBob's chest, shocking his heart back to beating)
SpongeBob: (jumps up on the bed) I'd love it!
(Cut to close-up of Kevin and the Jellyspotters in Jellyfish Fields who appear to be moving, but you can't see how.)
Kevin: Ah. Nothing like driving through Jellyfish Fields with the top down, eh Jellyspotters?
(Now you can see Kevin and the Jellyspotters riding on top of SpongeBob's back as he walks through Jellyfish Fields.)
Jellyspotters: Meep. Top down…top down…meep.
SpongeBob: Uh…here we are. Jellyfish Fields. Oh… (His legs start to shake and then give out and he falls to the ground, face first.)
(The Jellyspotters and Kevin jump off his back. Kevin turns to SpongeBob.)
Kevin: I hope you didn't forget our nets.
SpongeBob: I didn't forget them, Kevin! They're in the trunk! (SpongeBob turns around, bends over, and his pants pop up like the trunk of a car, revealing the nets and jars. Kevin collects the things, revealing SpongeBob's bare bum.)
SpongeBob: (speaking very fast) I can't believe I'm out here with the Jellyspotters! I mean, all my life I wanted to be a Jellyspotter and now I'm out here with you guys and the nets and the jars and the jellyfish and I'm with Kevin and Kevin's with me (he starts bouncing around the group) and we're all with each other and we're jellyfishing together and it's fun and I like it and…(Kevin reaches out and stops SpongeBob)
Kevin: Hold it! Before you become a Jellyspotter, you have to pass a rigorous test.
Jellyspotters: Meep. Ha, ha! Rigorous test. Ha.
Kevin: (turns to Jellyspotters) Quiet! Shhh. (turns back to SpongeBob) Your first test…catch a jellyfish.
(A jellyfish swims by and just drops into SpongeBob's net.)
SpongeBob: Hey, I caught one! Am I a Jellyspotter now?
Jellyspotters: Meep. He caught one. Meep…meep.
Kevin: Um, that doesn't count. (He slaps the jellyfish out of the net, which then stings him on the head.) Ouch!
Jellyspotter 2: (off camera) Wa, wa, waaa.
Kevin: I-I meant two jellyfish.
(Two jellyfish immediately fall into the net.)
Jellyspotters: Two jellyfish. Meep. In the net. Meep…meep.
Kevin: That's not what I meant. I meant twenty jellyfish!
(A bunch more jellyfish immediately fall into the net.)
SpongeBob: Oh! Uh, let's see. 1…2…3 (Kevin then kicks the jellyfish net and all the jellyfish swarm around him, stinging him everywhere.)
Kevin: Aaah! Ouch!
Jellyspotter 2: (off camera) Wa, wa, waaa.
Kevin: Jellyspotters allow jellyfish to eat jelly off their face. (He spreads jelly over SpongeBob's face.)
SpongeBob: Who wants to lick my cheeks! (Some jelly fish swim closer.) I see I have some takers!
Kevin: How does it feel?
(SpongeBob now has a beard/moustache made of jellyfish.)
SpongeBob: (laughing) It tickles my nose!
Kevin: Not…for long. (He and Jellyspotters laugh)
SpongeBob: (off camera) Ah…ah…AAHCHOO! (The jellyfish all fly onto Kevin's eyes, then sting him.)
Jellyspotter 2: Wa, wa, waaa.
Kevin: (turning to Jellyspotter 2) Will you cut that out?!
SpongeBob: Am I in the Jellyspotters now?
Kevin: No! I have many more tests for you to take.
(SpongeBob brings him a jellyfish with the net between his feet, while walking on his hands.)
SpongeBob: Am I in the Jellyspotters now? (Jellyfish swims out and stings Kevin's nose.)
Kevin: No!
(SpongeBob brings him a jellyfish while blindfolded.)
SpongeBob: Am I in the Jellyspotters now? (Jellyfish swims out and stings Kevin's crown)
Kevin: No.
SpongeBob: Now? (off camera a jellyfish stings Kevin)
Kevin: (ears swollen) No.
SpongeBob: Now? (another zap off camera)
Kevin: (mouth swollen) No.
SpongeBob: Now? (yet another zap off camera)
Kevin: Yeeeowww! (His bottom is swollen up this time)
SpongeBob: Now? (zap) Now? (zap) Now? (huge zap)
Kevin: (entire body is now swollen up from stings) O.K. SquarePants, it is your turn to get zapped! Er, I mean… are you ready for your final test?
SpongeBob: I'm ready!
Kevin: You'd better be, because we're going to capture a queen jellyfish.
SpongeBob: A queen! Can I help?
Kevin: Oh don't worry. We can't do it without you!
(SpongeBob is now seen tied by his arms and legs between two poles.)
SpongeBob: This is fantastic! I've never been bait before! I don't think I've ever seen a queen jellyfish, either.
Kevin: Well, then you've probably never used a queen jellyfish call. (He puts a whistle-type tube to SpongeBob's mouth.) Why don't you try it out? (SpongeBob blows into the call. It lets out a sound that says, "Loser, loser.")
SpongeBob: Hey! I've heard this call before!
Kevin: I'll bet you have. (He and the Jellyspotters start to walk away.)
SpongeBob: Hey. W-where you goin'?
Kevin: Oh, don't worry…we'll be right behind this bush. (They all crouch behind a small bush, where Kevin gets stung by a jellyfish again.) Ouch! Ow! Who has my sting ointment?
SpongeBob: This is great! When I pass this test, I'll be an official Jellyfish Spotter.
(SpongeBob proceeds to blow the "loser" call all day until the sun sets.)
SpongeBob: (tired) Hey, Kevin. I don't think it's working. Nothing… (A shadow comes over him and he looks up to see what he thinks is a queen jellyfish.) Hey! Hey Kevin! She's here! Look, look she's here! She's here, she's here, Kevin! She… (The bush where Kevin and the Jellyspotters were hiding is blown away, revealing that they're not there, and a half-empty sting ointment tube. SpongeBob gasps.) Aaaahhh! (A big zap from the queen jellyfish, burns away the ropes holding SpongeBob and he runs away. At the edge of a cliff he stops, turns around, and faces the queen.) Please don't be angry, your highness! I would have let you go! (He starts crying.)
(A window opens in the queen jellyfish, showing Kevin and the Jellyspotters controlling the machine from inside. They are all laughing hysterically.)
SpongeBob: (gasps) Kevin!
Kevin: That's right! You should've seen the look on your face when we zapped you!
SpongeBob: But, what about my final test?
Kevin: (laughing) Did you think we'd actually let you join the Jellyspotters?
SpongeBob: But Kevin, I was your biggest fan.
Kevin: So were they. (He points to the chasm behind SpongeBob, where we see a bunch of fish sitting around a campfire, and one fish lying on the ground face up who appears to have a broken leg.)
Fish 1: Hey, look everybody! Kevin's back!
All fish: Kevin! We love you!
Kevin: (to SpongeBob) You looked so dumb with your dorky jellyfish call. Loser! Loser!
Jellyspotters: Meep. Loser! Meep…meep. Loser!
SpongeBob: I am not a loser!
Kevin: Loooooser! Loser! Loser!
(An even larger jellyfish wearing a crown and cape is seen rising up behind SpongeBob. Kevin and the rest stop laughing.)
Kevin: Nidaria Rex!
SpongeBob: King jellyfish.
(The king jellyfish notices the queen, and starts to pucker up.)
Kevin: Kissy face!!
(SpongeBob and the queen jellyfish run away as the king jellyfish quickly follows, making kissy noises. Kevin crashes the queen jellyfish into a billboard. The king looks at the scene, scratches his head, then gets mad.)
King Jellyfish: Kevin! (He zaps them, and they all run into a nearby cave.)
(The king jellyfish is then seen wearing a football jersey and helmet and a whistle blows as he tries to bash in the cave. We see SpongeBob, Kevin, and the Jellyspotters all huddled inside the cave.)
Kevin: (gasps) I think he's gone. One of you, go out and check. (One of the Jellyspotters is shoved outside.)
Jellyspotter 1: (Making hand gestures to signify the coast is clear) Meep, meep! Meep, meep! (Zap.) (Now making hand gestures signifying the coast is not clear.) Meep, meep! Meep, meep! MEEP, MEEP!!
Jellyspotters left around Kevin: Meep. Save us. Meep, meep. Save us. Meep.
Kevin: Don't look at me, I was just in this for the fashion. (Close up of Kevin's clothes.) It's hopeless! We're trapped! We're trapped. (gets into a fetal position) Help me, mommy! Help me. I want my blanky…I want my blanky!!!
(SpongeBob turns to the Jellyspotters.)
SpongeBob: Now what do we do?
Jellyspotters: (also get into a fetal position) Mommy! Help, help. Mommy. Meep, meep. Mommy, help. Meep.
(SpongeBob gets an idea and walks outside, taking out his bottle of bubbles when he sees King Jellyfish. )
King Jellyfish: What the?
(SpongeBob pulls out his bubble wand and blows one in the shape of a piece of pie.)
King Jellyfish: Mm, mm, mm. Yummy! (He swims away with the pie.)
Jellyspotters: (surrounding SpongeBob) Yay! Meep, meep! Yay, meep!
Kevin: I can't believe it! How did you know?
SpongeBob: (laughing) Everybody loves pie!
(duck noise)
Jellyspotter 2: Wa, wa, waaa.
Kevin: Well, SquarePants, that was impressive, but you're still not in the club because you didn't catch a queen jellyfish.
(Jellyspotters run off camera towards Kevin.)
Kevin: (off camera) Wait! What are you doing? (tearing sound) Aahh!
(The Jellyspotters run back on camera and place Kevin's crown on SpongeBob's head.)
SpongeBob: Wow! I didn't know this was a hat!
Kevin: (a tear falling from his eye) It wasn't!
(Back at the Jellyfish Convention Center.)
SpongeBob: Hi Patrick!
Patrick: Hi SpongeBob! Did you get into that club?
SpongeBob: Yeah, but I turned ‘em down. It's not about Kevin, it's about jellyfish.
Patrick: SpongeBob, I'm glad you learned your lesson. Hero worship is unhealthy. Come on, Jeffrey. (pulls a wagon behind him with Jeffrey tied up in it)
End