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Mustard O' Mine

Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: RDSP

(opens outside the Krusty Krab. Two fish greet each other before hearing something and they look at each other before hearing it again. Pan over to the Krusty Krab, where there is a long line of customers.)
SpongeBob: Mustard, mustard, step right up for your mustard! Some mustard for you... (puts mustard on a young fish's Krabby Patty; the mustard forms into the shape of a dinosaur which roars before melting)
Young fish: Cool!
SpongeBob: A bit of the yellow for you... (puts mustard on a light brown fish's Krabby Patty; the mustard forms into a sailboat which "sinks" and melts into more mustard. The light brown fish laughs and runs off. A purple fish whispers something to Spongebob) Oh, okay... (squirts mustard into the shape of a man) And a Mr. Mustard for you.
Purple fish: (walking off) Mmm... yummy.
Spongebob: Hi-yah! (karate chops the mustard bottle, which only gives a drop of mustard. The customers sadly groan.) Hang on, folks, I'll be back with more mustard. (rides on mustard dispenser into the kitchen) Let's see. Ketchup... (slides doors to the side) Mayonnaise... (rolls up door) Oh! Mustard. (pulls rope, opening curtains that reveal Mr. Krabs standing in the closet)
Mr. Krabs: Did you use up all me mustard?
(SpongeBob nervously tries to explain)
Squidward: Oh, who gives a flying fish about mustard?
SpongeBob: (gasps) But Squidward, without mustard I wouldn't be able to make a-
Mr. Krabs: Krabby Patty! That's right! You're both hereby ordered to go down into the Mustard Mines, (holds up map of the Mustard Mines) and bring me back more mustard!
Squidward: Mustard Mines?
(enter Patrick, who enters from the closet, covered in mustard)
Patrick: Mmm... mustard. (squirts a packet of mustard into his mouth and then burps)
Mr. Krabs: (growls) And you are going down to the Mustard Mines too.
(they hear a voice coming from an old fish)
Old fish: I wouldn't do that if I was you... (enters from a dark corner of the room and spits onto the grill. SpongeBob cleans the grill) That old mustard mine is cursed!
SpongeBob: Cursed? (grabs Mr. Krabs)
Mr. Krabs: (pushes SpongeBob away) What kind of curse?
Old fish: It's... uh... (scratches head) uh... one of those, uh... (rolls glass eye) The mummy's curse!
Mr. Krabs: Ha! There's no such thing as mummies!
Old fish: (runs over to Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob, Squidward and Patrick) We've all got mummies! (shows a picture of an old female fish, then slides back over) I've been in that mine. No one that enters gets out alive! (smiles. A bug crawls out of his beard and into his mouth. Lightning strikes)
SpongeBob: You got out in your life.
Old fish: Ahh, but am I? (waves arms)
Patrick: Yeah, you're standing right there!
Old fish: (starts backing away) But am I?
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, you're right- Hmm.
(shows old fish's foot outside the door)
Squidward: I see your foot.
Old fish: (moves foot out of view) No, you don't.
SpongeBob: Ahh! His foot's gone!
(bubble transition. Zooms onto exterior of Mustard Mines)
Squidward: (looking at map) This map doesn't show us where the mustard vein is located! Well, let's just start picking!
Patrick: (picking nose) Way ahead of you, pal. (Squidward groans, as Patrick's arm gets stuck in his nose. Patrick pulls his (small) brain from his nose, which he then smears onto Squidward's back. Squidward yells annoyedly before picking up his pickaxe and entering the mine)
SpongeBob and Patrick: (inhale, then join arms) Ohh, a-mining we will go,
the mustard, it will flow, (start jumping up and down)
we're picking axe without the facts,
there's nothing that we know! Ta-da!
(rumbling, as the entrance caves in)
Squidward: (walks over) You nitwits! How will we get out now?
Patrick: (gasps) We're trapped in a mine! (shakes SpongeBob) We'll never get out! (runs around the room and freaks out before collapsing)
Squidward: (walks over and looks at Patrick) Krabby Patty, stat! (SpongeBob makes a Krabby Patty out of thin air. Squidward feeds it to Patrick) He's coming 'round!
Patrick: (grabs Squidward's shirt) Squidward... I-I need...
Squidward: What can I get for ya?
Patrick: (reaches into mouth and grabs the Krabby Patty) Well, I need a little mustard for the Krabby Patty!
Squidward: (drops Patrick) Why do I even bother? (steps on Patrick) Maybe there's a back door.
SpongeBob and Patrick: Hey! Wait for us! (they run, until they stop at a mineshaft)
SpongeBob: Whoa! (he and Patrick skid to a stop. SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward look down into the mineshaft)
Squidward: I wonder how deep it is?
SpongeBob: I'll check. (picks up a rock and then leaps into the mineshaft) Waaaa... (disappears into the darkness) ...aaaah! (walks over from the side) Don't bother jumping, that shaft has no bottom. Let's take the escalator. (pans over to show an escalator)
Squidward: (pushes SpongeBob and Patrick away) Alright, split up! (gets onto the escalator, followed by SpongeBob and Patrick)
SpongeBob: (as they pass some coal miners) Coal miners. (they smell something and react disgustedly, passing by some sulphur miners) Ew!
Patrick: Sulphur miners!
SpongeBob: Phew! (they pass some children) Unaccompanied minors. (one of the children plays a drum riff, as they reach the end of the escalator and walk off screen)
Squidward: All right, let's get to work, chowder-heads! (they bump into each other before walking off in opposite directions)
SpongeBob: (strikes the wall with his pickaxe, revealing a yellow object) Hey, I found something yellow! (pulls it out of the wall, smiling before looking disappointed) Never mind, it's just gold. (throws it away)
Patrick: All I'm getting is dumb old diamonds! (throws away a diamond and kicks away a pile of diamonds. Zoom out, revealing a whole area filled with diamonds)
SpongeBob: (holding a pile of gold) This must be the curse that old guy was talking about. (opens a rock like a wastebasket and throws the gold into it)
Squidward: Gold and diamonds? (rushes to the cave wall and strikes it. Sand emerges from the wall) Gold dust! (runs his hands under the sand) Oh, no, it's just sand. (shows a child playing in a sandbox, which then forms a whirlpool that sucks him down. The child runs around screaming before calmly riding up the escalator) Uhh... what was that?
SpongeBob: Ahh, the greatest treasure of all... a child. (smiles as Patrick and Squidward walk off. SpongeBob walks after Squidward until smelling something in the rock wall. He strikes the wall with a pickaxe, revealing a telephone, which is ringing. SpongeBob picks it up) Hello?
Mr. Krabs: (shown in the Krusty Krab, which is overrun by angry customers) SpongeBob, where's me mustard?
Light brown female fish: (leans over, holding two Krabby Patties) I want some mus- (is kicked away by Mr. Krabs)
SpongeBob: On the way, sir, as soon as we find it. (hangs up, then picks up the phone again) Love you. (hangs up)
Squidward: Oh, we'll never find that mustard vein! (taps the wall with the pickaxe, causing the wall to crumble, revealing a subway station) Ohh... what is this? (walks over to the tracks)
Attendant: Load the train approaching station. (a subway train rushes past. It stops and the doors open, revealing SpongeBob and Patrick)
SpongeBob: Hurry up, Squidward, before the doors close!
Patrick: It's the last train of the night!
SpongeBob: Do you have a metro card?
Squidward: (desperately searches, until finding a train pass) Ah! Got it! (swipes the pass several times, to no avail)
SpongeBob: Come on, Squidward!
Attendant: Watch the closing doors. (closeup of Squidward's eyes, showing the reflection of the doors closing. Squidward struggles to swipe the pass, until it is accepted. Squidward runs towards the train)
SpongeBob: Faster, Squidward, faster! (Squidward's head gets trapped in the closed doors, as the train departs)
Patrick: Hey, Squidward: you really should watch the closing doors. (Squidward hisses at Patrick)
Attendant: This is a local mining train, making all stops between coal and limestone. Next stop: condiments.
SpongeBob: Oh, that's our stop. (train stops and doors open, dropping Squidward onto the ground. SpongeBob steps over Squidward, while Patrick steps on him)
Patrick: Come on, Squidward! (grabs Squidward and runs towards the mine. Squidward hits his head on a sign that reads "Condiments")
Squidward: (bumps into a cave wall, then knocks on it and strikes it with a pickaxe. Mayonnaise squirts out into his eye. Squidward touches the mayonnaise with his tongue) I've struck mayo!
SpongeBob: (strikes a rock with a pickaxe, then sticks out his tongue, onto which a drop of hot sauce flies. SpongeBob bursts into flames) Hot sauce. (collapses into ash)
Patrick: (fumbles the pickaxe, which hits the cave wall and reveals ketchup) I struck blood! (takes some off of the wall and puts it in his mouth) Oh, no. It's ketchup! (licks the ketchup off the wall)
SpongeBob: We're getting close! (strikes the ground, from which mustard flies) Ooh... (licks his finger) Mustard! (smiles) I struck mustard!
Squidward: Mustard?
Patrick: Mustard?
SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward: (join arms and dance in a circle) Look at all the mustard flow,
look at all the mustard flow,
the golden yellow fatty acid treat! (SpongeBob untwists, flinging off Patrick and Squidward. SpongeBob strikes the ground again, only to hit a hard area of the ground. The pickaxe collapses) Oh no, what are we gonna do now?
Squidward: I think we better use our heads.
Patrick: Let's use my head! (pulls on tongue, turning his head into a drill. As SpongeBob and Squidward attempt to drill into the ground, a voice is heard)
Old fish: (yells. A cloud of dust forms and the silhouette of the old fish is seen)
SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward: The mummy!
Old fish: (dust cloud dissipates and the old fish is revealed) Stop! (jumps over and pulls cork out of gums and plugs the hole drilled)
SpongeBob: (gasps) It's the mummy's curse guy!
Old fish: There ain't no curse! I just tried to discourage you chuckleheads from mining this mustard!
SpongeBob: Oh, I get it. 'Cause the mummy wants the mustard. Mystery solved. (high-fives Patrick and Squidward)
Old fish: (eye twitches) There ain't no mummy, this mustard is sitting on top of 20 million pounds of pressure! If you open it up, she's gonna blow sky-high!
SpongeBob: (sits down on rock) Oh, no curse, no mummy and no mustard. And I'll have to find another job! (cries, then blows his nose on Squidward's nose)
Squidward: (wipes off nose) Stop- Don't you see? This old coot wants all the mustard for himself! Now uncork that mustard! (old fish growls and raises his fists) Oh, put your fists down, old man, I'm not gonna hurt ya! (old fish punches him in the face. He falls backwards)
SpongeBob: You were right, Squidward, you're not gonna hurt him!
Squidward: (gets up) Why, you... (attempts to punch the old fish but is punched first) I'm gonna- (is punched again, with his head spinning around, before being hit again)
SpongeBob: Go, Squidward, you're winning! You're not hurting him at all!
Patrick: (stretches himself and becomes muscular) Let me try not hurting him. (removes Squidward, who was being punched by the old fish) Come on, old-timer! You know you want a piece of me. (old fish hits Patrick, turning him back to normal. Patrick lands on the cork)
Old fish: (hand swells up) Ow, that hurt!
Patrick: I hurt him! That means I lose. (mustard starts to leak out, causing the ground to break)
SpongeBob: No. No. No, no, no, no, no! (jumps onto the leaking mustard and starts to fill up with mustard, as the ground continues breaking)
Old fish: Adios, muchachos! (cackles and jumps around before calmly riding up escalator. Zoom over to Squidward)
Squidward: (avoids cracking ground, until a phone is revealed behind the cave wall) I'll get it. (picks up phone) Hello.
Mr. Krabs: (shown in crow's nest in Krusty Krab, filled with angry customers) Where's me mustard?
Squidward: Um... (Patrick puts a cork onto SpongeBob. Cut to Krusty Krab, where a customer is hitting the crow's nest with an axe. Cut back to Squidward, Patrick and SpongeBob, where SpongeBob is being plugged up with more corks. Zoom out, showing large mustard vein under Krusty Krab) Your mustard is coming right up.
Mr. Krabs. (crow's nest is falling over) WHEN???
Squidward: Now...?
(SpongeBob is full of mustard. The mustard explodes out, through the top of the Krusty Krab. As SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward are on top of the stream of mustard, cut to the inside of the Krusty Krab, which is filled with mustard. Pan over to a mummy with a Krabby Patty)
Mummy: What, no relish?