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Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: CakeCup

(Open inside SpongeBob's house. The Aquaphone starts to ring as the episode begins.)
TV Announcer: The Aquaphone! The Mermalair's telecommunication device connecting City Hall with the underwater crime-fighting hero, Mermaid Man!
(SpongeBob, wearing a Mermaid Man costume, answers the Aquaphone)
SpongeBob: Yello?
TV Announcer: Never mind. It's just this idiot.
(SpongeBob comes out of his house. He then sees Patrick wearing a Barnacle Boy costume, and the two start running toward each other)
SpongeBob and Patrick: By the powers of Neptune, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy UNITE! (SpongeBob and Patrick unite their rings)
SpongeBob: To the Invisible Boatmobile!
Patrick: Yay!
(SpongeBob and Patrick run over toward Conch Street and drag themselves across the ground, where they pretend to drive the Invisible Boatmobile. They go around their own houses until they stop in front of Squidward's house. As they stand up, their butts are shown through ripped pants.)
SpongeBob: This must be the secret lair of an evil villain!
Patrick: You're right!
(SpongeBob pulls a grappling hook straight out of Patrick's butt and throws it onto Squidward's roof. SpongeBob climbs on the wall while Patrick hangs onto SpongeBob's pants. Squidward then opens his window and starts clipping his toenails. The toenail clippings land on SpongeBob's face, which causes SpongeBob to spit some of them out. He then notices Squidward's foot hanging outside of his window)
SpongeBob: Looks like there's evil afoot.
TV Announcer: Pun!
SpongeBob: (whispering) And littering is a crime…
Squidward: (agitated) What? I thought I had my house sponge and star-proofed.
(A green sign with a sponge and a starfish on the circle-backslash symbol is briefly shown)
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward! Wanna play Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy with us?
Squidward: (yelling) NO!!! Now please fall and get seriously hurt.
(Squidward cuts the rope with his toenail clippers, which causes SpongeBob and Patrick to fall before Squidward closes his window. Patrick lands on his back, then SpongeBob falls right into his belly button. SpongeBob tries to push himself out.)
SpongeBob: I'm sure I've heard that "no" before.
Patrick: Holy something, Mermaid Man. You can't mean!
SpongeBob: Yes, my young pink ward. It's none other than... (goes back into Patrick's bellybutton and then launches himself out, causing him to land right in front of Squidward's house) DOCTOR NEGATIVE!
Squidward: (offscreen and singing) ♪I hate SpongeBob, and I hate Patrick. ♪
SpongeBob: It's that denying desperado siren song!
Squidward: (watering his plants and still singing) ♪Loathing SpongeBob, scorning Patrick, la la la la la, la. ♪
(SpongeBob and Patrick are actively watching Squidward)
SpongeBob: He's obviously raising an army of mutant vegetables. And that song he's singing….
SpongeBob and Patrick: Will bring them to life!
(Squidward is refilling his watering can. SpongeBob and Patrick jump into his garden and SpongeBob kicks a carrot out of the ground. He beats it, and then karate chops it.)
TV Announcer: Carrot chop!
(Patrick is holding a potato, and then SpongeBob punches it into fries)
TV Announcer: Potato pow!
(Patrick takes a head of lettuce and smashes it on his head)
TV Announcer: Lettuce laceration!
(SpongeBob and Patrick make a salad out of the vegetables and they start eating it. Squidward comes back with a watering can and he is shocked to see his garden destroyed)
SpongeBob: Although our foes were evil, their nutrition did not go to waste, Doctor Negative.
(As SpongeBob speaks, Patrick eats the rest of the salad. SpongeBob then gives the empty bowl to Squidward and walks away)
Patrick: (eyeballs popping at Squidward) We're watching you! (also walks away)
Squidward: (furious) That's it! I'M GONNA CLOBBER YOU TWO!!
(Squidward angrily grabs a rake and runs over to SpongeBob and Patrick. However, before Squidward can attack the two, SpongeBob and Patrick are wearing their normal clothes while the Krusty Krab horn goes off.)
SpongeBob: Hey Squidward, do you hear that? You better hurry up, or you'll be late for work.
Patrick: (eating a carrot) Yeah, you'd better do something or whatever.
(SpongeBob and Patrick walk away. Squidward starts to freak out and breaks his own rake in half. However, he also breaks three of his legs in half and starts to fall over. Transition to Squidward arriving to the Krusty Krab and Patrick is seen sitting at one of the tables.)
Patrick: (singing to the tune of The Lineman) ♪Mermaid Man, our hero. Barnacle Boy, you too!♪
SpongeBob: (in the kitchen, flipping patties and also singing) ♪Mermaid Man, crime-fighter! Barnacle Boy, makes due!♪
Patrick: ♪Evil found its match today. Underwater justice and fair play!♪
(Squidward's eyes start to twitch as he is about to lose his mind)
SpongeBob and Patrick: ♪Super plan, garbage can! Minivan, MERMAID MAN!♪
(Squidward screams in agony as SpongeBob and Patrick sing loudly into his ears. Transition to the kitchen)
Squidward: Will you two SHUT UP about that stupid show?!
(SpongeBob, dressed in his Mermaid Man costume, comes out of the kitchen)
SpongeBob: Oh, did you say something negative, DOCTOR NEGATIVE?
Patrick: (dressed in his Barnacle Boy costume) I heard him say something negative!
(A male customer comes out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to his foot)
Patrick: Mermaid Man, that injured victim's bandages have come undone!
SpongeBob: That poor man needs aid. (takes out a first aid kit out of Patrick's butt) Of the first variety!
(Patrick opens the first aid kit and SpongeBob takes out a roll of bandages. The two roll the customer with the bandages and put him in a wheelchair. SpongeBob gives him a blood transfusion bag)
SpongeBob: (gasps) We forgot the peroxide!
(Patrick dumps the whole bottle of peroxide on the customer's eyes, causing them to burn.)
SpongeBob: That should hold you until the surgeon can amputate your torso.
(The customer angrily rolls away on his wheelchair)
SpongeBob and Patrick: JUSTICE RESTORED!
Squidward: Hey, super dorks! Time to take out the garbage!
(Squidward drops the bag of garbage on the floor. Patrick picks it up)
SpongeBob: Alright, Doctor Negative! We'll play along and take it out. (smashes fists together)
(SpongeBob punches the garbage bag)
TV Announcer: Junk jab!
(More garbage lands on a customer. Patrick punches the garbage bag)
TV Announcer: Trash thwap!
(Even more garbage lands in Harold's mouth. SpongeBob and Patrick rip the trash bag apart and garbage comes out)
TV Announcer: Putrid pop!
(The garbage lands on the customers, which causes them to leave the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs walks into the dining area and screams when he saw the Krusty Krab covered in the garbage)
Mr. Krabs: Why are all me tables empty? Why am I not making money? (looks at Squidward)
Squidward: Because these two costume creeps chased them out! (points at SpongeBob and Patrick)
(SpongeBob and Patrick make poses)
Mr. Krabs: Ooh! (rubs his eyes) Mr. Squidward! Step into me office. (walks into his office)
SpongeBob: Uh-oh, Patrick. I think we got Squidward in trouble.
(Squidward walks into Mr. Krabs' office, and Krabs grabs Squidward)
Mr. Krabs: I'm gonna share a secret with you that I never told anyone.
Squidward: Uh, that's okay. I don't need to hear it.
(Mr. Krabs pulls out a remote and presses a button that reveals a comic book room behind a wall)
Squidward: Ha! (grabs a comic book off a shelf and laughs) You're a comic book geek!
(Mr. Krabs screams like a girl, takes the comic book, and puts it in a plastic bag)
Mr. Krabs: DON'T TOUCH THOSE! They're mint condition. WORTH A FORTUNE!
Squidward: So you read comics, don't worry. Lots of perfectly good immature adults read comics.
Mr. Krabs: (pointing at Squidward) Oh, it's deeper than that. (pulls a secret switch which reveals a super villain costume) Oh, I sewed it myself. It's Captain Tightwad from Issue 53! They say he's a bad guy, but, you know, I think he's just misunderstood.
Squidward: Oh, look at that. I think I've left my oven on.
(Squidward tries to leave, but Mr. Krabs grabs him)
Mr. Krabs: I have some fabric left over. So, I made this. (pulls out a shirt with a "no" sign on it)
Squidward: Oh, don't tell me. Doctor Negative?
(SpongeBob and Patrick are behind the door, trying to listen)
(SpongeBob and Patrick gasp and run away. Mr. Krabs comes out in his Captain Tightwad costume)
Mr. Krabs: Tremble before CAPTAIN TIGHTWAD!
(Mr. Krabs doesn't see Squidward)
Mr. Krabs: Squidward…
(Squidward walks in, wearing a Doctor Negative costume)
Squidward: (sarcastically) ..And cower in fear of Doctor Negative.
SpongeBob: Holy Shrimp! This is the best day of my life!
(Patrick giggles. Mr. Krabs pulls out three strings with coins attached to them as if they were weapons. He throws his weapons at SpongeBob and Patrick and they were able to dodge them. He looks at Squidward)
Mr. Krabs: What are you waiting for?
(Mr. Krabs grabs Squidward and throws him to SpongeBob. Squidward gets his arms tangled with in SpongeBob. He pulls his tentacles out of SpongeBob's body and sends himself spinning around. He hits a table, a pole, and the cash register like a pinball in a pinball machine.)
TV Announcer: Sad!
(Mr. Krabs and Patrick fight each other by slapping)
TV Announcer: Pathetic!
(Squidward crashes in between Patrick and Mr. Krabs)
TV Announcer: Mediocre!
(SpongeBob tries to body slam from the rafters, but he is stuck to the floor.)
TV Announcer: Sub-par!
(SpongeBob pulls himself out of the floor)
SpongeBob: Why are we fighting Captain Tightwad? He didn't even commit a crime.
Mr. Krabs: Wha...What do you mean?
(SpongeBob takes out some glasses and an old comic book)
SpongeBob: Oh, Mr. Krabs. It's right here in Mermaid Man Number 98: "No superhero shall fight a super villain until that super villain has committed a CRIME."
Mr. Krabs: Arr...uh...hey!
(Mr. Krabs runs to the register and stuffs some money in his pants)
Mr. Krabs: Haha! See? I just stole some money!
SpongeBob: Well, it's not really stealing if it's your own money.
(Mr Krabs. mopes and money falls out of his pants)
Mr. Krabs: Oh, come on! What do...what do I have to do here?
(Transition to SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward and Mr. Krabs at the First Nautical Bank)
Mr. Krabs: Are you sure about this? Isn't robbin' a bank against the law?
SpongeBob: Well, yes, Mr. Krabs. But you're not really robbing a bank, you're just pretending to.
Mr. Krabs: And then we can play?
SpongeBob: Yep!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, okay.
(Squidward and Mr. Krabs enter the bank and try to look for someone to rob)
Mr. Krabs: Ahoy! Anyone home? It's Captain Tightwad and Doctor Negative! We're here to rob ‘ya! Anyone here? No.
(Squidward and Mr. Krabs notice a security guard sleeping on a chair)
Security Guard: Eh, Barnacle nickels! Uh, can I help you ladies?
Mr. Krabs: Uh, yeah. Thanks, old timer. Um, we're pretending to rob this bank. Where's the tellers? Where's the money?
Security Guard: There ain't no tellers. ATM's outside.
(Mr. Krabs and Squidward see a long line of customers, including SpongeBob and Patrick, in front of the ATM machine. SpongeBob and Patrick giggle.)
Mr. Krabs: Aw, barnacles. I forgot me debit card.
(The security guard crawls up to Mr. Krabs and Squidward)
Security Guard: Wait a minute. I don't care if you are ladies, nobody pretends to rob my bank!
(The security guard rips his shirt and bulks up. He beats Squidward and Mr. Krabs with his club, which leaves the two injured. SpongeBob gives Squidward and Krabs a thumbs-up)
(Transition to the gang walking to the evil store. Squidward and Krabs are still injured)
SpongeBob: Wow! You were so convincing! You had that guard totally fooled. I think we can skip to the end of the story. Let's just stop here and pick up some props for your evil lair. (Zooms out to a building that is shaped like a bomb. Next to it, there is a red sign that says "EVIL STÖR" in yellow letters with a hand that looks like it is lighting the bomb-shaped building)
SpongeBob: We'll just need a few dollars. (Cash register sound)
(Mr. Krabs takes out his wallet and SpongeBob grabs it)
SpongeBob: Boink!
(SpongeBob goes into the store)
Mr. Krabs: I'm supposed to be the villain, but why do I feel like I'm being robbed?
TV Announcer: One hour later!
(Transition to the Krusty Krab being changed into the Krusty Lair. Everything inside is filled up with the evil props that SpongeBob bought at the store. SpongeBob and Patrick are in a cage and they are both tied up.)
SpongeBob: Okay, Captain Tightwad. Doctor Negative, you can come out now!
(Squidward and Mr. Krabs jump out of a giant cash register. Krabs lands just fine while Squidward falls on his face.)
SpongeBob: Okay, so here's the scene. You two have us here in this cage over a pool of boiling oil. Now THAT is a crime. Now, you can let us out so we can fight!
Squidward: Oh, I don't think we're going to do that.
(Squidward pulls the lever and activates the machine. SpongeBob, Patrick, and the cage are slowly dropping down into the pool of oil.)
SpongeBob: Hey...uh...what are you doing?
Squidward: Being evil. Isn't that what you wanted? Aren't you scared? Boo-hoo?
SpongeBob: Boo-hoo? Do you expect us to cry? (Patrick grins at SpongeBob)
Squidward: No, Mr. Bob. I expect you to fry. (evil laugh)
(Mr. Krabs also laughs maniacally. As soon as Mr. Krabs stops laughing, Squidward is shown with a malicious grin on his face)
Mr. Krabs: Eh, okay, Squidward. Playtime's over. This is getting a little intense here.
Squidward: (maliciously) Too long have I suffered living between you two ninnies. But now, now as Doctor Negative, I shall finally exact my exquisite REVENGE! (laughs maniacally)
(SpongeBob and Patrick giggle as well)
SpongeBob: See? I just knew that he'd make a terrific bad guy. Her is really committing.
Patrick: You did a great job with casting!
Tv Announcer: Could this be the end of our doofus duo? Deep fried like two tenacious tater tots on tenterhooks?
(SpongeBob and Patrick notice that they are almost about to be fried)
SpongeBob: Swing, Boy Yonder! Swing the basket!
(SpongeBob and Patrick swing the basket back and forth until they knock the machine over. This creates a crack on the floor. The crack causes Mr. Krabs and Squidward to fall into the pool of oil and they both get fried. The Krusty Krab begins to crack and fall into pieces. SpongeBob pulls the fryer basket out of Patrick's butt and scoops out Squidward and Mr. Krabs from the oil. Patrick takes a bite out of Squidward's hand. Squidward and Mr. Krabs shake the remaining crust off of them and they are now shown in their underwear. Squidward notices that his hand has been chewed off)
SpongeBob: Oh boy, Mr. Krabs. That was the best Mermaid Man playdate ever!
Patrick: Yeah, not bad. But next time, we won't go so easy on ‘ya!
Mr. Krabs: Eugh, (pulls out a comic book) maybe I'll just stick to reading comics from now on.
SpongeBob and Patrick: To the Mermalair!
(SpongeBob and Patrick leap into the street and pretend to drive the Invisible Boatmobile, like they did earlier)
TV Announcer: And so ends another numb-skulled episode of the preposterous pair, Mermaid Pants and Barnacle Star! Tune in next time for more mind-running adventures! I've really gotta find another job! I wonder if it's too late to go back to college radio!