Back

Snail Mail

(Scene starts at SpongeBob's house)
Narrator:Ah, a happy pineapple under the sea. Let's take a peek inside, shall we? You will notice that the sponge is bored because his best friend patrick is away.
SpongeBob: Ohh. (He then slides off the chair onto the floor. Then he rolls over onto a MM and BB comic book and then gets up and takes the comic book off his face) Oh! What's this? (Reading a page from the book) All alone? No one to talk to? Why not Write to a total stranger? Connect with other Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy penpals today! Ooh! I've never had a penpal! (Jumps up and spins. Then grabs a pencil and paper from out of his head, then sharpens the pencil with his teeth. The shavings come out of the top holes.) "Dear Pen Pal, My name is SpongeBob Squarepants." Oh that's GREAT! "I work at a restaurant. I love frying and I'm very good at it. Sincerely, your new best friend!" Behold! The perfect letter! Now for the envelope!
Gary: (slithers over to SpongeBob's letter.)
SpongeBob: Gary, get offa that! You'll smudge my masterpiece!
Gary:(somewhat offended, meows, then slithers away.)
Narrator:Uh-oh. It looks as if the domesticated snail has unintentionally deformed the word "frying", making it look like the word "flying". This is probably going to be a problem later on.
SpongeBob: Eh, it's just a little slime. (he puts the letter in the envelope, and then licks the envelope seal.) Ah, perfect.
Narrator: 4 to 6 days later…
(the mailman walks by to SpongeBob's mailbox, which SpongeBob himself is inside. The mailman puts the letter on SpongeBob's tongue. He groans. The mailbox explodes, revealing SpongeBob's entire body. He runs inside his house, sits down and opens the envelope)
SpongeBob:"Dear SpongeBob, Wow, you know how to fly?" Fly? What does he mean by--(gasps)
Narrator: See? What did I tell you?
SpongeBob:Gary, my penpal thinks I can fly!
Gary:(Meows)
SpongeBob:Ha! What a silly misunderstanding. "I can't believe I know a real life pilot! I wish I could watch you fly because I am DYING…!" (gasps) DYING!!! Not Pen Pal! (Sobs. Gary slithers to SpongeBob with a box of tissues. SpongeBob then blows his nose with the entire box of tissues, filling it up with his snot.) I don't want to let him down and say I can't fly, ‘because then, (sniffs) his dying wish would never come true!
(Thunder booms. The scene rolls down to see a funeral happening with a mailbox as the casket. Four mailmen walk with Pen Pal in an envelope.)
Minister:We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Pen Pal. He died disappointed. (The mailmen slide Pen Pal into the mailbox and then close the lid. They then salute as the mailbox goes down the hole.)
SpongeBob: Time to make Pen Pal's wish come true, with a tiny white lie! "Dear Pen Pal, yes I can fly. Boy do I love flying. Fly, fly, fly, fly, fly."
Narrator: 4 to 6 MORE days later…
( the same thing that happened 4 to 6 days ago, is happening now, except SpongeBob is behind the door, instead of the mailbox.)
SpongeBob:"Dear SpongeBob, I'll be at the Bikini Bottom Airshow tomorrow. Please meet me there so I can finally see you FLY?!" OH!!!!!!! (his house shakes as he says this) Oh no! What have I done?! What have I done?! What have I done?! I can't fly Gary! I'm not a flier! I'm a liar!!! (Starts sobbing. Then starts running in circles around his house.)
Gary:(splashes water on SpongeBob to calm him down. SpongeBob starts panting.) Meow.
SpongeBob:Ah, good thinking Gary.(wrings self out.) Sandy'll know just what to do.
(cut to Sandy's house)
Sandy: What can I do ya for, SquarePants?
SpongeBob:I did a bad thing, Sandy. I did a very bad thing!
Sandy:(give SpongeBob some underwear)Here, take these. They're clean.
SpongeBob:No No, it's not that. It's- It's- I- I- I- (struggles to take off helmet, making all the water flow out of it) I LIED!!!!!!! OH, I LIED, I LIED, I LIED, I LIED, I LIED!!!! (tears fill helmet back up. SpongeBob then pulls his pants over his face.)
Sandy:Relax, SpongeBob. You're twitchin' like a prairie dog on a cow skin rug.
SpongeBob: Uhh, what on a which?
Sandy: What's got your beehive a-buzzin'
SpongeBob: My who-a-hive-a-wheresin?
Sandy:(sighs) What did you lie about, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob:(looks around, then back at Sandy. He then takes a supersized breath, and then speaks rapidly) Well,therewasthisbigmisunderstanding,andnowmypenpalthinksicanflyandididn'tthinkiwouldevermeethim,butnowIhavetoandhewantstoseemefly,andIdon'tknowhowandifIdon'tfly,he'lldiedisappointed.Imadeahorriblemistake,Sandy,pleasehelp!!!!(inhales all the bubbles he made speaking rapidly, and burps)
Sandy:Well, It ain't no lie if you actually learn to fly. And I can help you with that.
SpongeBob:Really?
Sandy:Sure.
(cut to outside Sandy's treehouse. SpongeBob is inside of a flight simulator. She then gives a quick diagnostics check, and then SpongeBob readies himself)
SpongeBob: Seatbelt, check! Controls, check! (the flight simulator's screen looks like a video game. SpongeBob lifts off.)
Sandy: Proper takeoff, check. How ya doin in there?
SpongeBob: Oh I'm good. (SpongeBob's house appears) Oh, there's my house! Oh! I forgot to feed Gary! (a virtual SpongeBob jumps from the virtual plane and walks into his house. Gary meows) Oh, Hi Gary. (Two more hearts appear on the screen, but all the hearts disappear as the plane crashes. Game over appears on the screen)
Sandy: (Sighs) Failed. Alright, let's try that again. SpongeBob? (the flight simulator is destroyed) Alright, SpongeBob, I've tied you up to a rope so you won't be able to go too far off course. (starts up the plane) Contact!
SpongeBob: I'm doing it! I'm actually doing it! Whoo-hoo! Whoo! (It seems that the rope is wrapping itself around the pole, therefore letting SpongeBob run into it.) Did I do it?
Sandy:(sighs) Good enough.(even though SpongeBob failed every test, she stamps "Ready" on the paper. Cut to the Airshow. Four planes fly through the air. SpongeBob is wearing a Pilot suit.)
Walter:(Coughing and hacking. Possibly choking on something.)
SpongeBob:(Runs over to Walter, believing that he is Pen Pal.) Hey! You must be Pen Pal!
Walter:(Coughing and hacking.)
SpongeBob:What an honor it is to finally meet you! (shakes Walter's hand) Oh, you brave, brave penpal, you! (pats Walter's head)
Walter:Hmm?(Coughing and hacking.)
SpongeBob: I just wanted to say that today…(reads off of hand) Today is the first day of the rest of your life. I promise to fly to the best of my ability just for you. I will not let you down.
Walter:(Coughing and hacking. Pounds his chest)
SpongeBob:(Pounds his own chest) My heart is full too Pen Pal. (sniffs) My heart is full too. (runs back to the plane.)
Walter:(Coughs and hacks again, until a Krabby Patty comes out of his throat.) Phew, that was a close one. What was that guy talkin' about? (Eats the Krabby Patty again. This time by chewing.)
Man over P.A.: Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, feast your eyes upon the daring and death defying, the porous, the Incredible Flying Sponge! (crowd cheers)
SpongeBob: (Jumps into plane) Take off, don't die, fly a few seconds low to the ground, don't die, land, don't die! So simple.
Steve: (taps SpongeBob with a scythe 3 times. SpongeBob screams, horrified. He reveals himself as a normal fish) Steve's the name, and scythes are my game! You need a scythe? Steve's gotcha covered! (opens his cloak to reveal three more scythes with three other blades hanging beside them) One scythe fits all!
Sandy: Get outta here, Steve!
Steve: (disappointed) Ohh, I had a sale.
SpongeBob: Sandy, I'm nervous. (Sandy hands him a pair of underwear) No, it's still not that.
Sandy: Don't worry SpongeBob. You'll be ,uhh, just fine, yeah. (runs to the firemen) Get ready boys. The bronco is loose. I repeat, The bronco is loose!
SpongeBob: Just fine, yeah.(looks at the controls to see hundreds of buttons and levers. He goes and presses all of them, and the plane starts. The crowd cheers) Pen Pal, this one's for you. (touches Pen Pal's letter. The plane starts moving. SpongeBob then lifts off low to the ground.) Whoo! I'm flying! Yee-haw!
Patrick:(running beside SpongeBob's plane) Hey, SpongeBob! Ha, I can't believe you can actually fly like you said in your letter!
SpongeBob: Patrick? You're Pen Pal?
Patrick: Ha, uh, Duh!
SpongeBob: But you said you were dying! You're not dying!
Patrick:Dying? Oh! You didn't read the whole letter
SpongeBob:(Grabs the first page of the letter) See? "I wish I could watch you fly because I am DYING!"
Patrick: (grabs the second page) And here's the second page! "... to see you as a real pilot, SpongeBob. Here are some other things I'd like to see: Candy Rain, A fire truck full of clowns, aaaand a bunch of other stuff.
SpongeBob: It all makes sense now! (laughing) Oh Patrick!
Patrick:(Laughing) You though I was dying. (Paper slips out of his hands and hits SpongeBob in the face, making him unable to see. The plane then turns to the side and picks Patrick up and launches him into the pilot seat. They flip back around and come running into a candy vendor) Watch out! (They are about to hit the firemen. SpongeBob messes with the controls until they flip upside down, averting the crash. The firemen follow them. The candy stand starts dropping candy out of it.) Candy Rain, check. (SpongeBob and Patrick run into an ice cream stand, making ice cream and cherries fall onto the firemen and Sandy's face, making them look like clowns.) Fire Truck Clowns, Check! ( Bob and Pat run into a cloud, making them bounce around inside it. It then propels them into an airplane, making it split in half)
SpongeBob: ‘Scuse me, Pardon me, Pardon me, ‘Scuse me, ‘Scuse me, Pardon me, Pardon me, ‘Scuse me,
Plane Riders: (Grab the top half of the plane and pull it back with the bottom half.)Heave ho!
Patrick:Fly First Class, check.
SpongeBob:(gasps as one wing of the plane is broken) Something's wrong with the plane! Here, take the controls! (jumps out to fix the wing)
Patrick: Take what now?(grabs the controls)
SpongeBob: (Fixes the wing, but gets dragged back by the wind.)
Amy: (playing tennis with Rachel, gets caught by the plane. Rachel ducks. The firemen are still following Bob and Pat. She is then playing tennis with SpongeBob. SpongeBob gains a hard rebound and hits the ball with a hard strike. Her racquet breaks) Aww.
James: Match point, SpongeBob.
Patrick:(runs up to SpongeBob.) Whoo-hoo! Check and Check!
SpongeBob: Hahaha. (then shocked) Patrick, who's flying the plane?! (runs to take the controls again.)
Patrick: I am. No wait.
Amy and James:(Bob and Pat get back in the plane, and the plane's engine malfunctions. It then dumps Amy and James off of the plane) AHHH! (The firemen catch Amy and James)
SpongeBob:(swoop around) Hold on! We're going down!!!(the plane stops and Bob and Pat start plummeting to their doom. They hug each other tightly and scream as they are falling. The plane abruptly stops midair. Bob and Pat are still screaming until SpongeBob sees that they ran out of gas) Phew, we ran outta gas.
Patrick: (filling the plane with gas) Don't worry, I got this. Yup. (the plane finishes its journey as it crashes like it was going to earlier. The firemen arrive to put out the fire.) Thanks for helping me finish my list, SpongeBob. (Sandy hands SpongeBob the pair of underwear as she helps the firemen.)
SpongeBob: Patrick, it was my pleasure.
Patrick: Really? Well, If you don't mind, I have a couple of other things i'd like to see. (pulls out another list)
SpongeBob: Let's hear ‘em.
Patrick: Edible balloon, a skateboarding snail, a tower of loose meat that tastes like ice cream, some ghosts…
(the airshow has ended, people are running in panic, a plane and a blimp are about to crash, and the firemen are still putting out the fire.)
End