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Food Con Castaways

Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: Season 4-11

Squidward: (Pulls off the top of a straw wrapper and blows into the straw, launching the other side of it through a loop and onto a pile of other straw wrappers)
Mr. Krabs: (bursting through the front door of the restaurant) Rev your excitement engines, Mr. Squidward! (leaps from the door into the register boat and starts shaking Squidward) Do ya not know what tomorrow is?
Squidward: Another monotonous day I spend walking in slow-motion toward an empty horizon?
Mr. Krabs: No, that’s today. Tomorrow, is Food Con!
SpongeBob: (pops out from the top of the wrapper pile) Woo! Food Con! Wait, (SpongeBob drops through the pile and comes out the bottom of it, opening it like a door) what’s a Food Con?
Squidward: Additionally, who cares?
Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward! Food Con is the biggest convention of food fans in the entire ocean! (fantasy shot of different stands at food con as the camera moves down the line, ending on Mr. Krabs at a Krusty Krab stand) The best chefs and cooks gather together and compete for the top prize, the golden cornucopia!
(still in the fantasy, we see a judge present Krabs with the prize at the stand before an additional shot of the judge and Krabs jumping towards each other in the sunset holding the prize)
SpongeBob: (holding a patty) Oh boy! The Krabby Patty is a sure bet to win the golden corn-o-cob-ia!
Mr. Krabs: You’re darn tootin’ it is! And you two will be my right claw men! Eh, I could use some extra muscle though to help set up the booth. Hmmm…
Patrick: (heard grunting offscreen, Krabs looks over, Patrick continues grunting as he can’t reach his Krabby Patty, and he lifts and breaks the table to tilt it so the patty slides into his mouth)
Mr. Krabs: Perfect! Let’s hit the road!
(bubble transition to the four of them outside)
Mr. Krabs: As you can see, gentlemen, I have spared no expense on our transportation. (Mr. Krabs points at a nice looking RV boat)
Squidward, SpongeBob, Patrick: Ooh!
(Fish pops up in the driver seat of the RV and speeds off, revealing a cheap looking station wagon boat with a trailer covered in cobwebs)
Mr. Krabs: Ta-da!
(Squidward frowns as SpongeBob and Patrick lift their fists in excitement and shout simultaneously)
SpongeBob: Woo!
Patrick: Oh what a ride!
Squidward: (upset) Ohh…..
Mr. Krabs: And I brought plenty of free samples! - - to sell.
SpongeBob: This, is, the best day ever!
SpongeBob & Patrick: (doing air guitars with sparks behind them) ROAD TRIP! (sparks are revealed to be the engine shooting out charcoal and dust, which Krabs punches it to make it stop, Squidward clears the charcoal from his face)
(bubble transition to them all in the car, SpongeBob and Patrick are making noises in excitement while Squidward is knitting)
SpongeBob: I spy with my little eye…
Patrick: Mr. Krabs!?
SpongeBob: Yes! (both laugh)
Patrick: (one eye lifts to reveal a tiny eye) I spy with my little eye… (Krabs’ smile turns into an annoyed frown)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs?
Patrick: Oh ho, yes yes!
SpongeBob: (his eyes detach and bounce onto the back of the seat in front of him) I spy, with my little eye…
Patrick: Mr. Krabs?
SpongeBob: Oh! How did you know?
Mr. Krabs: Enough! Ye both are barnacles on me brain!
SpongeBob & Patrick: (pointing at a billboard) Woah look at that!
SpongeBob: The world’s second biggest lump is only 50 miles away! We gotta see it!
Squidward & Krabs: No.
Patrick: (to another billboard) The world’s least exciting sweater! My parents fell in love there, we gotta go!
Squidward & Krabs: No.
SpongeBob & Patrick: (to a billboard that says World’s Coolest Toilet) Cool toilet!
Squidward & Krabs: No.
Mr. Krabs: We are not stoppin’ til we get to Food Con!
(bubble transition to them driving by a semi-truck)
SpongeBob: Hey! (makes honking sign with his arm, the truck honks making Squidward wake up and scream)
Patrick: Hey! (makes honking sign with his arm, another truck honks making Squidward wake up and scream again, just as he is falling asleep)
Squidward: For the last time we get it! Trucks have horns!
SpongeBob: C’mon Squidward, give it a try!
Squidward: If I do, will you promise to stop?
SpongeBob & Patrick: Yes!
Squidward: Alright. Hey! (makes honking sign with his arm, another truck next to him reaches for the horn, and moves the barrel directly to Squidward's face and honks charcoal in his face) Typical.
Patrick: You did it wrong Squidward.
Mr. Krabs: Everybody pipe down! I don't wanna hear another peep from anyone until we get to Food Con!
SpongeBob: Peep!
Mr. Krabs: Not a peep!
SpongeBob: Peep!!!
Mr. Krabs: Not, a, peep!
SpongeBob: Peep! (pointing forward)
All: Peep's Cliff!!!! (the car drives off a cliff) AAAAAHHHHHHH!!! (as all continue screaming, the car drives down a waterfall, through a dam, a tornado, and past two airplanes, before landing in the desert as they all sigh a sigh of relief, then the car taps a flower and literally falls apart, and Krabs' airbag goes off)
Mr. Krabs: Oh...
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs? Blink if you're alive. (Krabs blinks twice, slowly) Oh thank goodness we're okay!
Squidward: Well at least we have plenty of food while we're stuck out here! (opens the trailer to find just two wrappers) Ahh!!! (pan over to Patrick laying on a pile of patty wrappers)
Patrick: Ohh, (sits up) it was an accident they fell into my mouth. (lays back down)
Krabs, SpongeBob, Squidward: Ahh!
SpongeBob: (digging through wrappers) Don't worry guys, we can still win Food Con. There's one patty left!
Mr. Krabs: (grabs patty) We've gotta get moving. The judgin' starts tomorrow! Now since you boys caused the accident, you'll be hauling the trailer.
SpongeBob & Patrick: (lift the trailer from underneath) Yeah! Hauling the trailer! (their arms give out and the trailer crushes them)
(bubble wipe to a montage of them crossing several environments with SpongeBob & Patrick pulling the trailer with Krabs & Squidward on top)
Narrator: And so, SpongeBob & Patrick begin their harrowing task. (snail slides up and howls like a wolf, now SpongeBob is the only one pulling while Patrick sleeps on the rope) Tailored to the wagon, not just by ropes, but by their own foolish mistakes. Onward they trudge. (a sea monster pops out of a trench and takes away a shipwreck, cut to snowy mountain) Pushed by Mr. Krabs, whose desires blind him to the pain he inflicts (Krabs is whipping the two as Squidward freezes) In short, this whole trip is beginning to look like a whoopsie! (SpongeBob & Patrick pull them into a jungle, where SpongeBob's legs give out and he falls down)
SpongeBob: Patrick, are you okay? Woah! (falls forward)
Patrick: 100%. (legs swell and pop like balloons) Duh. (falls back)
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, we've got to stop for the night if you want SpongeBob & Patrick to live! I'm not saying that's what I want, I'm just telling you the facts.
(bubble transition to later in the same forest, they are all freezing by a fire in the woods, a leaf flies by and another howl makes them cover themselves)
SpongeBob: We must guard this last patty with our very lives! It's the only way to win Food Con. And who knows what scary, hungry things are out there in the woods waiting to gobble it up! (monsters pop up behind him) Positions everyone! (they all get ready to fight, but cower again as they hear a sound, the others pile on top as SpongeBob stays in front, a snail comes from the coral in front of them)
Snail: Meow.
SpongeBob: Aww. (the pile of the others falls) Hey little fella! (the snail turns into a giant winged monster who flies up and growls)
All: Ahhh! (monster grabs patty) The patty! (monster flies away)
SpongeBob: (running in circles) What are we gonna do???
Mr. Krabs: Don't eat my patty! (throws Squidward at the monster, the monster drops the patty and picks up a screaming Squidward, starts eating him, and spits him out and brushes off his tongue)
SpongeBob: (appears to be catching Squidward but backs up at the last second to grab the patty) Squidward! You saved the Krabby Patty!
Squidward: Whoopie.
(bubble transition to everyone hungry with tiny stomachs, Krabs opens his like a safe and a fly comes out, they all see the patty)
Mr. Krabs: Maybe I could just eat a pickle.
Squidward: Maybe I could eat a corner of the lettuce.
Patrick: I don't wanna be a hog, I'll just eat what's left over.
SpongeBob: (slides up) No, we can't do that! I know we're all hungry, but we must stay focused. Remember Food Con! Remember the cornucopia!
Mr. Krabs: He says Food Con, but all I hear is food.
(bubble transition to later, the fire goes out)
Patrick: Hey SpongeBob, you look tired. You want me to guard the patty for a bit?
SpongeBob: (yawn) Thanks Patrick, that would be great (hands off the patty, Patrick is about to eat it and walks off as SpongeBob sleeps, he wakes up and runs over to Patrick putting on a bib) Patrick no!
Patrick: I can't believe you thought I would eat it! (throws bib)
SpongeBob: Patrick I'm sorry I doubted you. I'm just hungry and I'm tired and I feel like I'm all alone doing the right thing (Patrick starts to reach over to the patty with his leg) and I want that (Pat's leg starts panting like a dog and reaches for the patty, SpongeBob tackles him)
Patrick: (leg) But I'm hungry! (SpongeBob hits the leg and the mouth rises to above Pat's eyes) He he.
(bubble transition to the three again)
Squidward: I'll low him to sleep with a lovely lullaby.
Mr. Krabs: Ooh good idea. Music soothes the savage beast.
Squidward: (plays horribly and instantly gets picked up by the snail again) What the!? AHHH!!
Mr. Krabs: Did I say soothes? I guess I meant enrages.
Squidward: Ahhh! (the snail drops him, he falls to the ground and the clarinet breaks on a rock) everybody's a critic.
(bubble transition to Krabs walking to SpongeBob with a box)
Mr. Krabs: Hey there boyyo!
SpongeBob: Ahh!
Mr. Krabs: I've taken the liberty of making a safe to secure our precious patty!
SpongeBob: Great idea Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: Just put it right in here! I'll even step away while you do it!
(Krabs walks away and to the other side of the safe which is clearly hollow and sticks his mouth in it, SpongeBob goes to bit it in)
SpongeBob: Whew, smells really bad in there.
Mr. Krabs: (in safe) Okay just do it already!
SpongeBob: No! (slams door, Krabs throws the safe)
Mr. Krabs: Enough of this! I'm your boss, and I order you to give me that patty!
SpongeBob: No Mr. Krabs I will not. But I will give you these! (reveals tray of plant-made patties) Nature Patties!
Patrick: Oh boy!
Squidward: Delightful!
Mr. Krabs: Dig in boys!
(they each take one and start eating it, then chew it harshly)
Squidward: Oh, it's like eating the inside of a lawnmower!
Mr. Krabs: I think mine is mostly stones.
SpongeBob: (swinging from vine) Here we call them forest tomatoes.
(everyone spits the patties up, except Patrick finishes his)
Mr. Krabs: Enough of this! (reaches for real patty)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, remember Food Con!
Mr. Krabs: You can't win Food Con if you've starved to death! Now give me that Krabby Patty, boyyo.
SpongeBob: No! I'm doing this for your own good. I'm protecting you all from yourselves!
Mr. Krabs: Well in that case, you leave me no choice. Get him!
SpongeBob: Yow! (they all start running, with the others chasing SpongeBob with assorted chanting and screams from SpongeBob, who loses them by running into a pit, he then catches his breath and his stomach growls)
Krabby Patty: Hey! Psst! It's me! The patty!
SpongeBob: Oh, hi?
Krabby Patty: It's just me and you out here now. So just do it! (SpongeBob looks around) Eat me.
SpongeBob: What about Food Con?
Krabby Patty: (starts floating around SpongeBob) Oh forget Food Con, you're starving and I'm right here! (the patty licks SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: Maybe you're right...
Krabby Patty: Of course I'm right, I'm a talking sandwich!
SpongeBob: Yes, a sandwich has no reason to lie! (SpongeBob goes to eat the patty) *gasp* No! I made a vow! I will not eat you!
Mr. Krabs: I can hear him over there. He's arguing with the patty! (Krabs runs over to grab SpongeBob but misses) Get em!
(Squidward tries to grab him but misses as well, Patrick trips on a stump)
Patrick: Woah!
(SpongeBob walks over him like a bridge, but Krabs and Squidward start chasing after him)
Mr. Krabs: Don't let him get away!
Patrick: (now chasing as well) Hungry!
(SpongeBob runs through coral and ends up falling at the end of the line for Food Con, with people dressed as food)
SpongeBob: Food Con! (looks around at the building)
Mr. Krabs: (riding on top of Patrick with Squidward following behind) Get him!
SpongeBob: Guys we're here!
Mr. Krabs: (beginning to chase again, still on top of Patrick) Hungry, hungry, hungry!
SpongeBob: You don't have to eat the patty!
(they pass a fish dressed as ketchup shooting mustard from a fish dressed as mustard at a fish dressed as a hot dog)
Hot Dog Fish: Woo!
(they run through the doors of the building and knock over a guy dressed as a soft drink and spill him)
Soft Drink Fish: Do!
(SpongeBob starts to slip through the drink and the others tackle him, cut to the podium where the judge is handing out awards)
Judge: And I hereby award the golden cornucopia to....
(SpongeBob jumps from underneath the others and onto the podium)
SpongeBob: Please! Try a delicious Krabby Patty!
Judge: What's this? A late entry? Hmmm... (shot of a nature patty)
SpongeBob: (slow motion) Nature patty!?!?!? (looks over to Patrick)
Patrick: (slow motion, lifts up the Krabby Patty) Mmmm, Krabby Patty! (throws and eats patty)
SpongeBob: (slow motion, looks back at judge) Eeh! *gasp*!
Judge: (normal speed, eats patty) Oh, this is the most complex, (chews) organic, (chews) irresistible flavor I have ever had the pleasure of tasting! (eats the rest) The winner is the Krabby Patty! (hands SpongeBob the cornucopia as SpongeBob stands there saying "Ah")
SpongeBob: Oh excuse me sir, that's not the real Krabby- (Krabs grabs SpongeBob's mouth)
Mr. Krabs: Put your truth in boy. We won!
Crowd: (cheers, confetti falls) Hooray!
Patrick: The Krabby Patty won! It won! (eats a shell)
Squidward: (holding hot dog) Yes! (pumps his fist like honking signal from earlier, the same tube pops up and covers him in charcoal again, Squidward throws the hot dog on the ground) Hoh...