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Bulletin Board

[The episode begins with an outside shot of the Krusty Krab.]
(An old lady inside is humming while knitting. She laughs.)
Mr. Krabs: And how was your meal today, ma'am?
Old Lady: Oh, delicious; I wish I could tell everyone how great my meal was!
Mr. Krabs: Well, you're more than welcome to go to each table and tell them about your satisfactory experience.
Old Lady: I don't really have time to do that; perhaps I will mention it in my will.
(We hear a record scratch. Mr. Krabs follows the lady with an object resembling a rasp.)
Mr. Krabs (mumbling): Well if that's the way you want it…
(SpongeBob stops Mr. Krabs.)
SpongeBob: Wait! I have an idea.
(He runs into Mr. Krabs' office, and comes out carrying a cork board. He puts it on a wall outside the office.)
Mr. Krabs: Hold on a second, that's me cork board! It's for all me… memos.
(Zoom in on a single memo on the board which reads "MAKE MORE MONEY!")
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, think of it now as a bulletin board for the community! A place where a yearning populous can express themselves freely!
(The old lady from earlier comes back. She knits a note and sticks it on the board. She drives off again as a fish walks up and reads her note.)
Background Fish #1: "My Krusty Krab meal was delicious! I cannot recommend it enough." Huh. Well, I was just gonna loiter, but now I think I'll get a Krabby Patty.
(As the fish walks to the ordering stand, Mr. Krabs smiles with his mouth burst out like a cash register, filled with money. His eyes also have dollar symbols instead of pupils.)
Mr. Krabs: Hey everybody! A community bulletin board is here! Tell your friends, and come on down and use it for the good of me business! - me wallet! Me… (nonsense) …I mean the community.
[Transition to Krusty Krab, now filled with customers at the board.]
(A few fish put notes on the board; SpongeBob stares as the board gets more notes.)
SpongeBob: Ah, community!
(More fish walk up. As time goes on, more boards are added, and people post ads, socks, and underwear. As few lost and founds are put up as well, one being Old Man Jenkins. We also see many people buying patties out of the board's success.)
Pearl: Oh, I really hope people like it.
(Pearl puts a picture of a seahorse on the board; it resembles a kid's drawing. People put notes of praise next to it.)
Voice #1: Great!
Voice #2: Super good!
Voice #3: Number one with a star!
(Pearl giggles at the praise.)
[Transition to Mr. Krabs in his office.]
(Mr. Krabs uses a roller to stick his dollars to the walls of his office.)
SpongeBob: See, Mr. Krabs? The community bulletin board is a good thing.
Mr. Krabs: Yes, yes it is. It's bringing me closer to my favorite part of the community… their money!
SpongeBob: Let's see what other nice people are saying!
(SpongeBob runs out of the office. He screams, knocking Mr. Krabs of the ladder he was using, and also detaching all the bills on the office walls. A fish walks up to SpongeBob.)
Background Fish #2: What are you shrieking about?
(SpongeBob runs up and covers the board.)
SpongeBob (nervously): Nothing, I just love to shriek!
(He begins to scream again. The fish tries to look around him but SpongeBob copies his every move.)
Mr. Krabs: Step aside, boy; you're blocking me money-making bulletin board.
(He moves SpongeBob away like a hinged door. The fish goes up and reads a note.)
Background Fish #2: "When I eat at the Krusty Krab all I get is a dark, empty feeling inside! – P-Star7." Ouch…
(Everyone begins mumbling. Mr. Krabs breaks a sweat. He walks up to the note and attempts removing it.)
Mr. Krabs: Well, not on my bulletin board…
(Another fish walks up.)
Surfer Fish: Whoa dude, what's with the censorship? The community bulletin board is for everybody; you can't just take something down because you think it's bogus.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, Surfer Fish is right. The board is sacred and it must be respected.
(SpongeBob presses his nose, making a pencil come out one of his pores. He begins writing a note.)
SpongeBob: "Dear P-Star7- I'm so sorry you had a less than stellar experience at the Krusty Krab, and we promise to do better in future. Signed, Fry-Banshee139." Huh, crisis averted.
(SpongeBob pins the note to the wall, but immediately another note appears on top.)
SpongeBob: "Crisis averted? More like ‘Crisis dumb-blurted' signed GuyBesideU3"?
(A fish beside SpongeBob whistles. SpongeBob reads more of the notes.)
SpongeBob: "Dumb-blurted, LOL"? "What's the point"? "I could make a better patty out of mud"? Where are all these notes coming from!?
(We zoom to Mr. Krabs selling pencils and paper.)
Mr. Krabs: Pencils! Paper! Pencils! Paper!
Background Fish #3: I wanna express the worst side of myself!
Mr. Krabs: (Laugh), why not? And don't forget to feed your hatred with a selection from our menu!
(Zoom to Squidward at the ordering stand. He holds up a finger, smiling, but doesn't bother moments afterwards.)
SpongeBob: If only I could figure out who this P-Star7 is…
(Patrick suddenly opens the door, laughing slightly.)
Patrick: Hello!
(He begins to walk through the crowd of conversing fish.)
Background Fish #4: P-Star7 is my new hero.
Patrick: Hey, that's me!
Background Fish #4: Yeah, right.
Background Fish #5: He really knows how to complain!
Patrick: But I wasn't com-…
(Patrick runs up to the board and tries to put a note on the board.)
Voice #4: P-Star7 is cool, because he's anonymous.
(Patrick immediately shoves the note back in his pants.)
Patrick: Oh, yeah. He's cool because… he's a-nanny-mouse.
Bubble Bass: You may not like what P-Star7 has to say, but you have to agree that he keeps it "real". He's a true hero for our troubled times.
(Patrick looks honored. Cut to SpongeBob observing the fish, next to Squidward.)
SpongeBob: (sigh) Well, I'll just have to make my Krabby Patties better so P-Star7 will like them.
(He enters the kitchen and sniffs the patties.)
SpongeBob: Uh-huh…
(He puts his eyes on the grill and uses a compass to measure the patty.)
SpongeBob: No, it's not round enough, maybe just a little off the edge here…
(He slices part of the patty away. He then places a level on the patty.)
SpongeBob: No, now the other side is wobbly! I'll just… even it up a little here.
(He pounds one side with the spatula repeatedly. Then he takes a tape measure out of his head and measures the patty's diameter.)
SpongeBob: Now it's smaller than that one!
(He takes the spatula out of his head and pounds all the patties. They form one huge mess.)
SpongeBob: D'augh! Hey Squidward?
(Squidward pops in through the window.)
Squidward: Yes?
SpongeBob: Has P-Star7 responded to my nice note yet?
Squidward: Oh, he responded hours ago
SpongeBob: Well, why didn't you tell me!?
(SpongeBob runs outside the kitchen.)
Squidward: …because I don't care.
(SpongeBob eases his way to the front of the crowd. He looks for the specific note on the board. He eventually finds it.)
SpongeBob: That's for me! (He reads.) "Fry-Banshee139, more like Cry-Baby139! Cordially. P-Star7."
Bubble Bass: His vituperative hyperbole has certainly diminished your credibility.
SpongeBob: Oh, why did you have to say that?
Bubble Bass: You're right… (He takes out a pencil and notepad.) …I should have put it on the bulletin board instead. (He puts the note on the board.) "Signed, HandsomeLad42."
SpongeBob: You may be handsome, HandsomeLad42, but you're very mean!
(SpongeBob runs away while the crowd laughs. Mr. Krabs walks up, laughing as well.)
Mr. Krabs: Hey, you know, all this note-writing must be making you folks hungry! We have a short line at the register!
(Cut to Squidward sleeping in the ordering stand.)
Background Fish #6: I brought a bagged lunch.
(Everyone holds up bagged lunches.)
Mr. Krabs: But… bu- wait a second, none of you bulletin board browsers are buying me patties!
Background Fish #7: Why would we buy food from a place a that – quote (reading a sock) "smells like stinky armpits"?
Mr. Krabs: What?
(He smells his own armpits and melts to the ground, before popping back up.)
Mr. Krabs: That's not true!
Background Fish #7: Hey, it's on the board.
Bubble Bass: And the board is never wrong.
Mr. Krabs: …and does anyone need to buy a pen?
(Everyone holds up a pen and clicks it in synchronization.)
Mr. Krabs: How about some paper?
(Everyone holds up their own sheets of paper. Mr. Krabs puts his left claw in his face and moans. We cut to SpongeBob holding back tears, walking up to Patrick.)
Patrick: What's wrong?
SpongeBob: It's this P-Star7. He's been saying terrible things about me and the Krusty Krab!
Patrick: Oh, I think they were all good things.
SpongeBob: Not good. He said the Krusty Krab made him feel dark and empty inside…
Patrick: Well, he probably meant his stomach was dark and empty and he was hungry for more.
SpongeBob: No, a master of acid wit like P-Star7 would never express himself so clumsily. He called me Cry-Baby139.
(Patrick gasps.)
Patrick: You were Fry-Banshee!?
SpongeBob: Yeah…?
Patrick: Well… maybe… he just thought it was… funny! And… and when he said that Krabby Patties taste like old baseball gloves…
(SpongeBob's eyes grow big and shrink.)
SpongeBob: He said that??
Patrick: Oh not yet!
[Transition to outside of Krusty Krab. We see it get covered, outside and inside, with notes.]
Mr. Krabs: (gasp) Tastes like old baseball gloves do they!?
(Squidward laughs.)
Squidward: I don't know who this P-Star7 is, but he's brilliant.
Mr. Krabs: He's a diabolical genius; that's what he is!
(We zoom out to Patrick sucking on his hand. He applies salt, and then continues to suck. SpongeBob pops up from the kitchen window wearing a hat and earmuffs.)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, the grill's gone cold.
Mr. Krabs: Nobody's ordering son; it's that cursed cork board.
(He runs up to the board.)
Mr. Krabs: I'm gonna take it down! It's nothing but trouble!
SpongeBob: You can't Mr. Krabs; it's for the community! I still believe in the power of the bulletin board!
(People immediately place notes over SpongeBob. The crowd laughs, including Squidward.)
[Montage scene]
(A fish walks up, emitting and odor. A note passes by as a voice reads it.)
Voice #5: "You smell!"
(Laughter follows. Another fish walks up, as another note flies upwards.)
Voice #6: One of your eyes is too big!"
(He turns, revealing he does indeed have mis-sized eyes. Laughter follows. Bubble Bass comes in, chewing food loudly. Several notes appear.)
Bubble Bass Voice: "Close your mouth when you eat!"
(He chokes and burps out all the food. Laughter follows. Pearl then appears and reads a note.)
Pearl: Oh, "This picture looks like it was drawn by a Brine Shrimp!" Oh, daddy!
(Pearl cries; laughter follows. Squidward's laughing face zooms in.)
[Cut back to normal.]
(Squidward reads a note.)
Squidward: "Squidward Tentacles should never be allowed behind a cash register, - P-Star7", oh, that is it! Why can't any of these yokels understand I'm working here – IRONICALLY!?
Bubble Bass: Oh, sure you are. P-Star7 has your number alright.
Squidward: I'm gonna give you a number… of contusions!
(They begin to fight. The crowd begins cheering, before SpongeBob separates them.)
SpongeBob: People! Can't you see what's happened? This bulletin board has become a… bullying board!
(The crowd converses a little. Mr. Krabs walks through three of them like a door.)
Mr. Krabs: OK, that's it. Everybody out!
(Everybody walks out of the Krusty Krab, excluding SpongeBob, Squidward, & Mr. Krabs. SpongeBob turns the "Open" sign to "Closed".)
SpongeBob: Oh, P-Star7 is bringing out the worst in everybody. I'd like to send him a message…
Mr. Krabs: And teach him a lesson he'll never forget!
SpongeBob: A lesson in polite manners!
Squidward: Or we could push him off a cliff.
Mr. Krabs: Ooh, excellent option, Mr. Squidward.
SpongeBob: We have to find out who this P-Star7 is! Gentlemen, I propose a stakeout.
[Transition to the outside of the Krusty Krab at nighttime.]
(SpongeBob, Squidward and Mr. Krabs are inside the Krusty Krab, wearing dark clothing.)
SpongeBob: Pineapple One to Mad Daddy, come in Mad Daddy.
Mr. Krabs: This is Mad Daddy, I read you Pineapple One, any movement?
(SpongeBob darts his eyes around the restaurant.)
SpongeBob: Nugatory. Pineapple One to Delicate Flower, come in Delicate Flower.
(Squidward grabs the transceiver.)
Squidward: I AM NOT ANSWERING TO DELICATE FLOWER!!!
(Squidward notices the rose tattoo on his arm. He pulls up his sleeve, covering it. He shoves the transceiver back in SpongeBob's face. Mr. Krabs looks around.)
Mr. Krabs: Shh, maintain radio silence. Wait a minute – I see something.
(A shadowy figure rolls into the Krusty Krab. It rolls past a table, and licks a ketchup stain off of it.)
SpongeBob: So that's what happens to the ketchup stains…
(They duck back down, as the figure moves forward, and places a note on the board. The lights turn on, and we see the figure is Patrick.)
SpongeBob: Surprise, P-Star7!
SpongeBob, Squidward & Mr. Krabs: (in unison) Patrick!?
(Patrick smiles and Mr. Krabs yells.)
Mr. Krabs: I'll tear you to pieces!
(He runs up to Patrick, but places him out of the way. He begins to destroy the board, by breaking it into pieces, slamming it, eating it, and jumping on it. He then destroys the notes by shredding them with a lawnmower, wiping them off the windows, bulldozing them, and blowing with a leaf blower. The Krusty Krab's front then opens, as Mr. Krabs leaf-blows all the notes out. The Krusty Krab's front closes again.)
SpongeBob: Patrick? You're P-Star7?
Patrick: Well, that's what my last note was about, SpongeBob. I was upset that people take everything I say the wrong way!
(SpongeBob does a thinking gesture.)
SpongeBob: So when you said that Krabby Patties reminded you of old baseball gloves, you really meant that they gave you the feeling of your carefree youth.
(Patrick chews on a baseball glove.)
Patrick: Yeah, I think.
SpongeBob: You hear that, boardy? It wasn't you, it was never you! We were the monsters all along…
(SpongeBob's eyes tear up.)
Mr. Krabs: Well, I'm still angry, and I need something to calm me down!
(He picks up an ad for a knitting circle with those strips you can tear off.)
Mr. Krabs: Ooh, this knitting circle oughta do the trick! And you all are joining me! Especially you, Delicate Flower.
(Squidward tears a strip.)
Squidward: Oh, ratfish!
[Transition to Shady Shoals rest home.]
(The old lady from the beginning of the episode is here.)
SpongeBob: Pineapple One to Knit Mama, can I needle you for a little more yarn?
(SpongeBob laughs.)
Squidward: Oh, brother.
(He puts his knitting over his head.)
Squidward: Please bring back P-Star7…
(Everyone laughs.)
End