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The Fish Bowl

(Episode starts showing Sandy lying on a lawn chair in the treedome, wearing sunglasses, drinking an acorn smoothie, and listening to music on a boombox as she wiggles to the beat)
Sandy: (drinks from acorn, hears a horn and looks up) Huh? (cuts to above the tree dome where a package strung to a rock falls and bounces to the front door, cuts back to Sandy, gasping very excitedly and passionately) It's here!!! (cuts to package on floor, door sound) Yee-haw! My newest science book has arrived! (picks up package and shakes it) I wonder what new and fantastic area of science will be revealed to me this month! (another rock strung to a pair or bloomers taps her) Oh hey! It's this fancy bloomers I ordered too! This day just keeps getting BETTER! (lifts arms up inside helmet, then walks back to picnic table and rips opens package to reveal a psychology book, Sandy opens it to see science symbols floating, angels sound, eyes widen in awe) Aaaaahhhh, behavioral psychology… (squints) …is the study of people and their habits. (thinks and counts) I've studied underwater chemistry, geology, and astronomy. (excited) But I've never studied underwater PEOPLE!!!
(bubble transition, cut to next scene, we see a bus passing by an open road, cuts to inside of bus to see Sandy with a microphone and tape recorder)
Sandy: (quietly narrating) Sandy Cheeks. Day one of behavioral study of subjects in Bikini Bottom. Initiating observations… (looks at watch) now! (she sneaks under seats to the rest of the bus)
Fish #1: (to fish #2) My wife says she wouldn't even try it no matter how much I… (unclear—please fill in)
Fish #3: ((overweight female) to fish #1) My daughter Amanda is exactly the same, it's always an argument, I mean I've tried to—(sees Sandy squeeze in next to fish #1 recording, fish #1 and #2 get angry)
Sandy: (recording) Older, lumpy-looking, female fish subject. Obviously a mother. Hates daughter.
Fish #3: (angrily to Sandy) Excuse me!
Sandy: (quietly narrating) Subject asked to be excused, but I am unable to observe what she wishes to be excused from.
Fish #2: (annoyed) Hey! Creepy squirrel, what's with all the eavesdropping!?
Fish #1: (annoyed) Take a hike, mammal!
Sandy: (quietly narrating) Subject's emotional state seems to be rising in anger. (fish #1 and #2 get angrier) Eyebrows are now considerably furrowed. (fish #1 and #2 push Sandy off bus, violently kicking her out the door, Sandy falls) Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!! (lands with full body squeezed in helmet, gets up and relocates her body parts to the correct spots in the suit) I gotta find new subjects. (gets hit with her mic and recorder, trips) Who won't mind being observed. (hears SpongeBob laughing in distance, cuts to him and Patrick running around pineapple house, Sandy says) Eureka!
Random Old Gold Miner (don't ask): Hey! That's my line! (cuts back to SpongeBob and Patrick)
Sandy: (walks to SpongeBob and Patrick happily) Hey fellas, how'd ya like to be a part of my cool experiment?
Patrick: (breathes out a green fog that grills his face) Ooh! I could use a mint! (rubs belly)
Sandy: (slightly disgusted, shakes head) No Patrick, it's an expiriMENT… (happily) …in behavioral psychology.
Patrick: (bummed) That doesn't sound tasty.
SpongeBob: (happily) What do we have to do?
Sandy: (enthusiastically) It's easy. I observe you while you two act normal.
SpongeBob: (confused) Act normal?
Sandy: Yeah. Just do what you would naturally do. (takes out mic and recorder) Be natural. (points mic at SpongeBob and Patrick) Starting… NOW! (SpongeBob and Patrick freeze up tensely, very nervous)
SpongeBob: (robotically) Uh… natural greeting to you, friend.
Patrick: (robotically) Natural greeting returned.
Sandy: (brings mic in confused, moves hand to "roll")
SpongeBob: (unnaturally) Would you like to have some natural fun?
Patrick: (unnaturally) Um… yes… please…
SpongeBob: …naturally. (sweats cartoonishly, fake laugh)
Sandy: *sigh* (bummed) Alright, experiment's done. (turns off mic)
SpongeBob: (gets excited, bounces around with a blowhorn mouth) Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! (very eager) What are the results!?!?
Patrick: (very eager, laughs) Ha ha ha ha ha. Did we do good!?
SpongeBob: (raises hand eagerly) Ooh! can I have an A+!?
Patrick: (exicted and loud) Ooh! Yeah! (places arms on SpongeBob's head and squishes him to ground) I want an A+ too!!! (both SpongeBob and Patrick tip-toe and try to contain excitement) Pretty please? Pretty please?
SpongeBob: (both pearly-eyed) Pretty please with sugar on top!?
Sandy: (annoyed) *sigh* Yes, yes. You both get an A+.
SpongeBob and Patrick: (screams) Woo-hoo! Yes! I knew it!!! (jumps up to give a hi-five)
Sandy: (narrating) Subjects acting natural. Resume observation. (points mic at the two)
SpongeBob and Patrick: I got an A+!!! (stops again nervously, as observation resumes, they freeze) (Sandy turns mic back off, they get excited again) A+! A+! A+!
Sandy: (annoyed) Oh, forget it.
(bubble transition, cut to next scene, we see Sandy hiding behind SpongeBob's pineapple reading further into the book as the other two scream inside)
Sandy: (reading to herself) When a subject is aware of being observed, it can affect his or her actions and create inaccurate data. Hmmmm…. (looks back at the two excited, they both freeze again inside) Double "Eureka!"
Random Old Gold Miner Again, now with a smaller him in the gold pan (I don't know either): Hey! That's our line!
(bubble transition, cuts to next scene, we see Sandy, SpongeBob and Patrick in the living room)
Sandy: (happily) Hey! Are you guys up for another experiment?
SpongeBob: (happily) Oh boy, am I ever! (minor beg) Can you hook us up to electrodes? (pulls eyelids) Or… or… expose us to gamma rays!
Patrick: Eeyuh…
Sandy: (happily) It's a guaranteed A+!
Patrick: (excitedly) Oh! It's like a dream!!!
Sandy: (happily) Okay! First, go to the beach, and fill one bucket with white sand, and one bucket with black sand. Can you do that?
SpongeBob: (salutes happily) Easy, sneezy!
Patrick: (sneezes loudly and spits fluid directly at SpongeBob) AAA-CHOOOO!!! (small brain falls out of nostril, he slurps it back up to head)
Sandy: (unsettled) Ew.
Patrick: (pants nervously) Uh… yeah, (points to SB) whatever he said.
Sandy: (opens door, the two run out) Then off you go! (they laugh, sandy gets devious and rubs arms) Time to get to work. (cuts to a plant that sandy pulls out of pot and replaces with a camcorder, replaces the plant, then breaks tv screen when sliding another camcorder in, then goes to chainsaw a square of the wall, to push it out and place a painting with a camcorder ripped into it, it's lens opens up and focuses on Sandy's reflection. Sandy then hangs a plethora of microphones from ceiling hooks, testing one, then zooms out to see the living room is completely cluttered with surveillance equipment. Goes to place a tape recorder and headphones onto Gary)
Gary: (confused) Meow? (door opens in distance)
SpongeBob: (eager) Sandy! (Sandy pushes Gary away, cuts to door where SpongeBob and Patrick are holding two buckets of sand) We're ba-ack!
Sandy: (enthusiastically, swings arm) Good job, fellers!
Patrick: (leans on SpongeBob) We're an awesome team.
SpongeBob: We sure are, buddy!
Sandy: (happily) Okay team, for this experiment I need you to count the grains of sand in each bucket, then tell me if there are more black grains, or more white grains. (moves arms like a scale) OR… is it the same amount? (walks out confidently) Alright then, I have to run some errands, but I'll be back later.
SpongeBob: (quick giggle, salutes) Aye aye, cap'n Sandy.
Sandy: (zooms back to door for a second) Oh and Patrick, you're in charge.
Patrick: (Patrick's skull hinges open and his brain does a somersault, he freezes in excitement)
Sandy: (cuts to see the sign for an Ice Cream truck called Pavilovi's, then zooms out to show that it's a surveillance system disguised as an ice cream truck, Sandy makes some calculations on the main computers) All systems check. (cuts back to living room)
SpongeBob: (with buckets, sitting on floor happily) Well, let's get counting. Should we both count white sand and then move on to the black sand (moves to other side of Patrick), or do you wanna have your own bucket? Or…
Patrick: (in his head, echoey) I'm in charge. I'm in charge. I'm… in charge. (Cuts to Patrick's imagination where he owns a business corporation and plays around with the telephone and coffee maker at his desk)
SpongeBob: (enthusiastically) So what's it gonna be, boss!
Patrick: (scratches head) Uh… the first one?
SpongeBob: (giggles and salutes) You're in charge! (jumps to a seat, buries his hand inside bucket of white sand)
Patrick: (jumps to a seat, while SpongeBob counts the sand one by one, Patrick says in his head) I'm in charge. (SpongeBob gives a signal to get Patrick to count too) I'm in charge) Two.
SpongeBob: (picks up a grain) Three!
Patrick: (picks up grain) Four! (in his head) I'm in charge. I'm in charge. (cuts to a patrick-shaped building called Patrick corp, cuts to office where he spills coffee and messes with the phone) I'm in charge. (cuts back to reality)
SpongeBob: (picks up grain) Fourty-Seven! (to Patrick clearly) Fourty-Seven?
Patrick: (quits daydreaming and shakes head shocked) Uh… (does a take) What?
SpongeBob: (relieved) Lost you there for a little bit. We were at (annunciates it clearly) FOURTY-SEVEN.
Patrick: (turns away egotistically) I dunno if I wanna do it this way.
SpongeBob: Okay boss-man, how do you wanna do it?
Patrick: (thinks) Uh… (forehead vibrates) Uh…
SpongeBob: (happily) How about… you count the white sand, and I count the black sand!
Patrick: (confidently and stupidly) Yeah! Yeah, yeah yeah yeah, that's it. (takes bucket of white sand and gives SpongeBob the black sand, Patrick counts the white sand one at a time) Fourty-Eight, fourty… nine, um… (puts grain in front of eye) Oh, fifty!
SpongeBob: (counts sand one at a time really efficiently) One, two, three, four, five, six, seven…
Patrick: …seven, eight, nine, ten. (pauses as he miscounted, looks at SpongeBob shrugging, bummed) Ohhhh! (cuts back to ice cream truck)
Sandy: (zooms to inside of ice cream truck, showing Sandy with two scoops of strawberry ice cream she's about to put inside bowls) Time to initiate the first variable. (looks at bowls and scoops) One big bowl, one small bowl. Exactly eight ounces per bowl. (puts ice cream scoops in bowl, puts a fake Italian mustache on, speaks in megaphone and turns on jingle, keeps fake Italian accent) Free ice cream!!! Free ice cream!!! One day only!!! (rushes to SpongeBob and Patrick as they hear about the ice cream) Get yer free ice cream!
Patrick: (pearly eyed, excited) Oh boy! Let's go!
SpongeBob: You're the boss! (cuts to inside of Squidward's house, Squidward reading an art magazine)
Sandy: Free ice cream!
Squidward: (lowers magazine, looks out window, enthusiastic) Oh my sea stars, (excited) free ice cream! (cuts back to Sandy)
Sandy: (with accent, rubs mustache) Heya boys, how'd ya like a nice a, free a, bowl a tootsie, fruitsie ice cream!
SpongeBob and Patrick: (pearly eyed, mouths watering, excited, panting for delight of ice cream)
Sandy: Okie a dokie, (hand the two bowls of ice cream to the two, they go back inside, Squidward approaches to order)
Squidward: (happily) One free ice cream please.
Sandy: (startled) All sold out, maybe we'll get some later. (slams the window's cover onto Squidward's nose)
Squidward: OW!!! (cartoonishly pulls nose out of window and falls, walks away irritated with nose deflated) Lousy first-come, first-served…
(bubble transition, cut to next scene, we see SpongeBob's pineapple, followed by SpongeBob and Patrick on the couch looking at their Ice Cream bowls)
Patrick: (points to SpongeBob's bowl, annoyed) Your bowl is bigger!
SpongeBob: (gives his bowl to Patrick) Do you want to trade?
Patrick: (takes bowl) Yeah!
(zooms into a close-up of the two bowls, Patrick's bowl is bigger, but he thinks that SpongeBob now has more ice cream due to the bowl being filled)
Patrick: (points to SpongeBob's bowl, annoyed) You got more Ice Cream!
SpongeBob: Patrick, I think your Ice Cream only looks smaller because the bowl is bigger.
Patrick: (annoyed) Well, I want to trade back!
(the two switch bowls again)
Patrick: (looks quickly at bowls again) There's only one fair thing to do.
SpongeBob: What's that?
Patrick: (grabs SpongeBob's bowl and eats both servings of Ice Cream)
SpongeBob: (gets up annoyed) Patrick, you call that fair?
Patrick: (finishes Ice Cream and throws bowls behind the couch) I'm "In Charge"!
SpongeBob: (mildly disappointed) Uh… yeah.
(cuts back to Sandy's surveillance of the two inside the Ice Cream Truck)
Sandy: Time for variable… two. (cuts to outside the truck, Sandy states in megaphones) More-a-free Ice Cream here! Now with a-same-a sized cones!
Squidward: (cuts to his house) Huh!? (disappointed, zooms out to Squidward's slippers) I just got my slippers on!
Sandy: (cuts to window of truck, where Sandy is giving SpongeBob the Ice Cream happily) Here you go!
Patrick: (runs in suddenly and takes both cones) I'll take those, my good man!
SpongeBob: But Patrick, I'm—
Patrick: (interrupts SpongeBob) I'm "In Charge"!
Squidward: (dashes to the window of the truck, excited) One cone please!
Sandy: All-a-gone! (slams door on Squidward's arms)
Squidward: (gets hit, in pain, tries to squirm out of closed window) Ow!!! (walks away annoyed) Oh, for the love of Pete—
(bubble transition, cut to next scene, we see SpongeBob and Patrick in living room with Ice Cream, Patrick is walking away while SpongeBob bugs him)
SpongeBob: (eager) Can I have my cone now? Can I have my cone now? Can I have my cone now? Can I have my cone now?
Patrick: Hmm… (sits on loveseat and takes advantage of SpongeBob) Rub my feet first!
SpongeBob: (slightly desperate) Oh, come on…
Patrick: Who's "In Charge"?
SpongeBob: Alright, I'll rub your feet. (zooms into a close-up of Patrick's foot, covered in body hair and acne, SpongeBob is disgusted, yet unwillingly rubs Patrick's feet anyways) Hey! My ice cream is melting all over your hand! (shows Patrick with melting Ice Cream)
Patrick: Oooooh… I'll fix that. (licks SpongeBob's Ice Cream)
SpongeBob: (shocked and annoyed) Patrick! You are making very poor choices!
Patrick: (cuts to Patrick, angry) Don't you back-sass me! I'm "In Charge", and you have to do what I say! Now… count that bucket of white sand.
SpongeBob: (shocked and annoyed) Alright, I will!
(bubble transition, cut to next scene, where we see SpongeBob counting the white sand)
SpongeBob: (counts sand while Ice cream is melting) One million, eight-hundred ninety-three thousand, six-hundred and one. One million, eight-hundred ninety-three thousand, six-hundred and two. One million, eight-hundred ninety-three thousand, six-hundred and three. (pours bucket to see if any sand's left, Ice Cream finishes melting) Done, now to count the black sand.
Patrick: (kicks bucket of black sand into the white sand, mixes it up with feet) Oh, that's a pity. Looks like you'll have to start over.
SpongeBob: (screams angrily, steaming) Enjoying that Ice Cream, Patrick!
Patrick: Yes I am!
SpongeBob: (angrily) Would you like Sprinkles on it? (pours sand on Patrick's Ice Cream)
Patrick: Hey! (vacuums SpongeBob's melted Ice Cream in his mouth and eats it)
SpongeBob: (angrily Growls, steams like a Tea Kettle only smarter)
Sandy: (zooms out to surveillance room, Sandy's concerned) Jeepers! (ducks) I didn't see that coming.
Patrick: (locks SpongeBob into his own house as they start fighting, extremely angry) You're not leaving until I say so!!! (shows black bra on top and bottom of Patrick and SpongeBob enraged, they start circling)
Sandy: (through headset to Gary, who is under the couch) Sandy to Gary! Sandy to Gary! How serious is the situation!?
Gary: (meows frightened) Meow, meow. Meow! Maw maw, meow meow maw!
Sandy: (frightened) I didn't think this all the way through! I've gotta shut this down! (presses emergency button inside of truck, siren goes off)
Squidward: (happily) Ah-ha! (runs to Ice Cream truck) I want my free Ice—(gets slammed by car door as Sandy dashes out to SpongeBob's house)
Sandy: (pulls heavily on door) Open the door! The experiment is over! (repeatedly knocks on it) Open up that door!!!
Patrick: (cuts to inside house, both still enraged) You heard Sandy, open the door!
SpongeBob: You open it!!!
Patrick: No, YOU open it!!!!
SpongeBob: No, YOU open it!!!!!
Sandy: (breaks into door)
Patrick: (still enraged) Mr. Pavioli, tell SpongeBob to open the door!
Sandy: (takes off mustache) It's me… Sandy!
Patrick: (head balloons and explodes in confusion)
Sandy: (frightened) The experiment is OVER!
SpongeBob: (pearly-eyed) But we didn't even finish counting the sand!
Sandy: (desperate) I didn't care about the sand! I just wanted to observe you acting naturally, so I hid microphones and cameras around your house—
SpongeBob and Patrick: (confused) Cameras? (zooms out to the rest of the house, putting the cameras and microphones in plain sight, the two freeze up like earlier in the episode)
SpongeBob: (sadly) You too, Gary? (starts to tear up)
Gary: Meow.
Patrick: (starts sobbing with head back) I was a MONSTER… (keeps crying) I deserve a "C-".
SpongeBob: (comforts Patrick) Aw, Patrick, don't be so hard on yourself. It was the experiment's fault that you were such a jerk!
Patrick: I blame SCIENCE! (crosses legs) Stupid science!
Sandy: (confidently) Everybody gets an "A+"! (pulls out Ice Cream cartons) And-a-Ice Cream!
SpongeBob and Patrick: (happy and clapping over Ice Cream) Oh yeah!
Squidward: (cuts to a trampled Squidward, where we hear the cheering and the broken door, Squidward gets up and walks to house) Oh, what is going on…
(shows a close-up of SpongeBob, Patrick, Sandy and Gary gorging on Strawberry Ice Cream, having eaten all of it)
Squidward: (bored) I know it's a stupid question, but… is there any Ice Cream left?
Sandy: (stomach sick from the Ice Cream) Oh… eesh… sorry Squidward, we're all out.
Squidward: (goes insane) YOU ATE IT ALL!?!? You animals! You didn't even leave me one drop!!! (shakes empty carton) Gr… there's gotta be some left in here!!! (goes through the cartons, starts sobbing)
Sandy: (She, SpongeBob, Patrick and Gary walk out of house) Now, let the real experiment begin! (pulls of SpongeBob's house like a tablecloth to reveal a round bird cage with Squidward going insane)
Squidward: (still shaking the empty cartons in his mouth desperately) Come on! Get in my mouth! (we see Sandy, SpongeBob, Patrick and Gary taking notes on Squidward's behavior) Ow… this one's empty! (starts sobbing)
End