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Married to Money

Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: Amphitrite

(open at the Krusty Krab. Many customers run out screaming. Inside, the restaurant is wrecked and full of sea bears surrounding Mr. Krabs)
Plankton: Why couldn't I see it before? (laughs evilly) The way to get the Krabby Patty formula was so obvious! (hops on one of the sea bears) Spend an inordinate amount of time training several dozen sea bears to take over your restaurant and force you to give it up! Nothing can turn them from their central purpose!
SpongeBob: Yoo-hoo! Who wants their tummies tickled? (the sea bears look at SpongeBob)
Plankton: No! (the sea bears swim over to SpongeBob) My weapons! (falls on the floor) Ouch.
SpongeBob: (tickling a sea bear tummy) Sea bears aren't weapons, Plankton. They're furry buckets of love. See? And what do sea bears love more than tummy tickles? (takes out a jellyfish hive) Jellyfish honey! (pours the jellyfish honey all over himself) Come and get it! (runs out of the Krusty Krab and the sea bears follow him)
Plankton: No! Come back!
Mr. Krabs: (Walks up to him) Why do you keep doing this, Plankton? (Plankton chuckles nervously) When you mess with me business, you mess with me money!
Plankton: Money's not everything you know.
Mr. Krabs: Of course it is! Money makes the world go round and makes me heart go pound.
Plankton: Well, if you love money so much, why don't you marry it?
Mr. Krabs: (moutn opens like a cash register and he closes it. Sadly) If I could, I would.
Plankton: Would you now...? (laughs evilly)
Mr. Krabs: You still here? (launches Plankton out of the restaurant) This gives me an idea. (lands inside the Chum Bucket) Ow!
(cut to nighttime at the Krusty Krab)
Mr. Krabs: (carrying a trash bag while moaning) Another lonely evening dumping trash... (puts it in a trash can) ...alone. (someone is sobbing off-screen) Huh? (he finds someone sitting on a bench, crying) Umm... hello? Miss? (the woman looks up at Mr. Krabs, revealing that she's a stack of dollar bills, and sparkles. Mr. Krabs' eyes form into a heart shape) Ooh, careful now, careful. Your ink will run.
Cashina: (giggles) My, you're such a gentleman.
Mr. Krabs: (chuckles) Yeah, well... so, um... what's a nice denomination like you doing on a bench like this?
Cashina: My date was supposed to bring me to the bank... but he stood me up! (continues sobbing)
Mr. Krabs: What?! Hey, if I met the scallywag that stood you up, I'd knock him down! (punches the street light, causing the light to fall of and land on his head)
Cashina: My knight in shining exoskeleton!
Mr. Krabs: The name's Krabs... Eugene Krabs. And yours?
Cashina: Cashina. You're very sweet.
Mr. Krabs: You know something? You look like a million bucks when you smile. Cashina, would you make this old crab's day and allow me to take you to a place where you can buy me dinner?
Cashina: I'd love to...
Plankton: (Cashina's face becomes transparent, revealing Plankton inside controlling her) ...scam you out of your secret formula, that is. (laughs evilly)
(cut to the Fancy! restaurant. Krabs and Cashina are eating spaghetti and meatballs, with Plankton pulling the noodles inside to make Cashina eat. Krabs and Cashina slurp on the same noodle pulling both forward. Plankton uses scissors to cut the noodle, sending both flying back, causing Plankton to get electrocuted)
Mr. Krabs: Allow me. (sets Cashina back up)
Cashina: This food is so delicious. You don't suppose it has a secret formula. I don't suppose you know anything about secrets... or formulas.
Mr. Krabs: Ooh, I do have a very special recipe...
Cashina: Yes...?
Mr. Krabs: ...for delicious kisses! (Plankton groans in disgust) Cashina, would you mind if I kissed you?
Cashina: Oh Eugene. This is all moving so fast...
Plankton: Just as I planned...
Cashina: Be gentle. (Plankton presses a button to activate Cashina's lips)
Robotic voice: Purse lips. (Krabs and Cashina kiss, causing both to get electrocuted)
Mr. Krabs: Wow, what a woman!
Plankton: (moans) Well, I finally did it—I kissed a crab.
(Cut to Mr. Krabs's house)
Mr. Krabs: (kissing a locket with a picture of Cashina in it) Oh, Cashina...
Pearl: (enters the room) Daddy, I want to... (sees Krabs) Ewwww! Are you kissing a locket with a woman's picture in it?!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, no, no! I was, uh... I was polishing this jewelry... with me... mouth hole... you see? Like this! (kisses the locket several times) Right...
Pearl: Gross! (storms out of the room)
Mr. Krabs: Pearl, me little beluga. I never thought I'd say this, but... I may have found you a new mom.
Pearl No way! I have seen stepmoms in movies, Dad! (paces around the room) She'll make me sweep up the cinders, and then she won't let me go to the ball! And I'll never meet my Prince Charming! (starts sobbing, flooding the room with tears)
Mr. Krabs: (drains the tears) You know, we're gonna have to have another talk about fantasy and reality.
Pearl: Okay, then what's she like?
Mr. Krabs: Well, she's... everything I've ever wanted in a woman!
Pearl: Blech!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, don't worry, sweetie. Nothing ever come between us. (doorbell rings) She's here! Out of me way! (rushes to the front door and opens it for Cashina) Hello, me little money stack. (guides her to the table) I want you to meet me daughter, Pearl.
Cashina: Pearl, I... love your rouge. How chic!
Pearl: (looking grumpy) It's actually a rash.
Plankton: (reading a "Teen Talk" book inside Cashina) Uh, Teen Talk... Teen Talk... Ah! Girls like shoes.
Cashina: Well, Pearl. I love your shoes.
Pearl: (still looking grumpy) I'm not wearing shoes. Those are barnacles.
Cashina: Oh, uh... I have some cream for that.
Pearl: Stop trying to mom at me, lady! I don't need YOU!
Cashina: Well, Pearl, since I'm seeing your father, I hope we can learn to understand each other.
Pearl: (angrily) You'll NEVER understand me! In fact, I'm going to make it a point to never be understandable again! (speaks gibberish, stomps her foot, and storms off)
Mr. Krabs: (sighs) Let me talk to her.
Cashina: No. I think I should do this alone.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, I haven't been this nervous since me first boatswain's ball.
Cashina: (walking downstairs with Pearl) ...and I was all, "You call this a mugging?" And then I suplexed him until he gave me my purse back! (they both laugh)
Mr. Krabs: Hey, hey you two! How about inviting me into your inside joke, eh?
Pearl: Oh, you wouldn't get it, Dad. It's a "girl" thing.
Mr. Krabs: Cashina, you know I love ya, and now me daughter loves ya, too. Will you marry me, Cashina?
Cashina: (looks at Mr. Krabs and Pearl for a brief moment. Plankton squeals excitedly inside) Yes! Yes! Yes!
Plankton: Perfect! When we're married, he'll have to tell me the secret formula! Yeah!
(cut to the next day. The Krusty Krab exterior is decorated for the wedding)
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, you're gonna be me wedding planner.
SpongeBob: (removes hat and bows) I'm so honored, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Great! Here's your budget.
SpongeBob: (takes dollar from Krabs and stretches it) Mr. Krabs, I'm gonna stretch this dollar until it begs for mercy! (Krabs looks at SpongeBob with his arms folded) No... disrespect for your new bride.
(SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward decorate the Krusty Krab interior for the wedding)
SpongeBob: (holding up two cups to Squidward, one with ketchup in it and the other with mustard) Would you like our house red or house yellow? (laughs. He gets chewing gum from beneath the tables to decorate the wedding cake with Mr. Krabs and Cashina on top)
(cut to the wedding)
Marriage officiant: And now, the couple will exchange their vow.
Cashina: Eugene, you have everything I've ever wanted with a man: an exoskeleton, freakishly long eyestalks, and the secret Krabby Patty formula.
Crowd: Awww...
Mr. Krabs: Cashina, you gave it to my life, but I thought I'd leave the rest of it alone. You showed me once and for all: if money can't buy you love, it can give you love.
Crowd: Awww...
Marriage officiant: You may now kiss the bride. (Krabs and Cashina kiss and get electrocuted. The crowd cheers)
Cashina: Oh no! What about the bouquet?
SpongeBob: Uh, one bouquet coming up, Mrs. Krabs! (dashes across the room and grabs flowers from the crowd to make a bouquet and tosses it in. The women in the crowd try to catch it, but it lands in Patrick's mouth and he eats it)
Patrick: Hooray! I win! (belches. The women sob)
(later. Krabs is dancing with Cashina)
SpongeBob: (to Patrick) It's a shame Plankton couldn't be here.
Plankton: (feeling sick from Krabs' dancing. Groans) Who knew Eugene was so light on his crab legs? (vomits)
(cut to the Honeymoon Hotel. Mr. Krabs and Cashina enter the hotel room and sit next to each other)
Cashina: Eugene, I don't want there to be any secrets between us.
Mr. Krabs: What? Oh, I'll tell you everything, no matter how embarrasing. I wet my bed until I was 40. My armpits smells like tartar sauce when I'm afraid.
Cashina: Not those kinds of secrets
Mr. Krabs: Oh, okay. Whatever you want me sweet. Just ask.
Cashina: I want you to tell me... the secret Krabby Patty formula.
Mr. Krabs: The what?
Cashina: The secret formula. It's locked away in your heart. Unlock your heart for me, Eugene. Let me in.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, anything for you, baby. (looks around suspiciously) I'm gonna whisper it to you, just in case there's any pryin' ears out there.
Plankton: Oh, boy. Here it comes!
Mr. Krabs: Alright, me sweet. Here it is. (becomes nervous as tears start rolling out of his eyes) I'm gettin' a little emotional. I never told anyone the secret... Krabby Patty formula before. So, here goes. (just as he's about to tell it, a tear falls inside Cashina's mouth, causing her to explode into a bunch of dollars and reveal Plankton was controlling her)
Plankton: (with Cashina's voice) Come on, Krabs. Let it all out! (notices that his cover is blown)
Mr. Krabs: (horrified) Plankton?!
Plankton: (nervously) No, no! I'm not Plankton! I'm Cashina, you're blushing bride. I... am I blushing?
Mr. Krabs: You monster! (raises fists as if intended to crush Plankton, then moans in disappointment)
Plankton: You're not gonna crush me?
Mr. Krabs: I've been alone for so long, and for the first time in forever, I fell for someone. Well, I mean something: a pile of cash with lips. It was all too good to be true. Cashina may have not been real, but me feelings were, weren't they?
Plankton: (apathetic) Get a hold of yourself, Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Plankton, are you saying it was all just a scheme to you? And you felt nothing?
Plankton: You're crazy! I'm out of here. And one day, the formula will be mine! Mark it! (exits the room)
Mr. Krabs: (holds the dollars up to face his and starts crying)
Doorman: (walks in the room) Hey, buddy. I want you to know, although your wife just ran out on you... you still have to tip me. (Mr. Krabs picks up the dollars, puts them in his suit, and throws a nickel to the doorman. The doorman removes the lid from the serving tray and catches the nickel in a bowl of soup)