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SpongeBob LongPants

Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: Amphitrite

SpongeBob: (reading off poster) Wow! Another Mermaid Man reboot! It's how I always reimagined the reboot would be rem
(the winds starts blowing)
SpongeBob: (shivering) Ooh! Cold knees!
Salesman: (drives up to SpongeBob) Well, you say you got cold knees? Icy joints like Siberian patellas? What you need is a pair of long pants!
SpongeBob: Long pants? Well, I don't think I'm ready for long pants.
Salesman: Nonsense! No fellers like you should walk around with shiver shins! Give yourself something to leg up! Join the trouser troupe! Don't be a slacker! Wear slacks!
SpongeBob: Well, I don't... uh... okay! (removes his old pants and puts on the long pants) How do I look?
Salesman: Excuse me, sir. I was just talking to a little baby schoolboy a second ago, about a yea high and (becomes shocked) It's you! I didn't recognize you with your mature, grown-up long pants!
SpongeBob: (flattered) You're pulling my leg, sir. I don't look like a man. Do I?
Patrick: (walks by) Hey, man!
SpongeBob: He called me a man! (uses thermometer on his legs) And my knees are a perfect 72 degrees! (pays for the pants)
(transition to the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob walks in the restaurant showing off his new look)
Kid: Is that my daddy?
Martha: (fawning over SpongeBob) I wish!
Mr. Krabs: (to SpongeBob) Uh, excuse me sir. That door is for employees only. Oh! It's SpongeBob! (sniffs him) There's something different about you today... you seem more... able bodied.
SpongeBob: Yeah, it must be the long pants. (points to them)
Mr. Krabs: So they are! You'll run the register today! (picks up Squidward) Into the galley with you, Mr. Squidward. And start cooking!
Squidward: But Mr. Krabs, why?
Mr. Krabs: Well, look. SpongeBob's got long pants on and you've got... none. (customers gasp. He throws Squidward into the kitchen. He is now cooking Krabby Patties while SpongeBob is at the register cleaning it)
SpongeBob: Oh! I could get used to this job! Hey, Squidward. What's on sale this week?
Squidward: Nothing. There is never a sale.
SpongeBob: Squidward, how much is the senior discount?
Squidward: There's no senior discount! (notices the Krabby Patties are burning, tries to pick it up with the spatula, drops it on his foot, and accidentally knocks over pans and condiments. He slips on the condiments and falls over)
SpongeBob: Squidward?
Squidward: What?!
SpongeBob: What do I do when the register is $2,000 short?
Mr. Krabs: (becomes a bit mortified) Whoa, whoa, whoa ,whoa! Alright, alright, that's enough. I see it was a mistake to put you behind the register. You're just looking too good for such a simple meaning of work. (Squidward growls) You should be the maître d'. Greeting customers when they come in! Charming the pants off of everyone with your long pants!
SpongeBob: (laughs) Okay! (starts greeting the customers. He walks up to a customer) How is that patty treating you, sir?
Customer: (delighted) Are you an angel?
SpongeBob: No. Merely a man: a man in long pants. (SpongeBob walks in the center of the restaurant. Several customers are eating messily and pieces of food are flying all over the place. SpongeBob narrowly dodges it to avoid getting his pants dirty. A big customer takes a bite into his Krabby Patty and ketchup flies out of it and a small drop of it stains SpongeBob's pants)
SpongeBob: Oh! My precious long pants!
Mr. Krabs: What's wrong, slick? You're not having trouble with your pants, are ye?
SpongeBob: Nothing like that, Mr. Krabs. I just don't think I'm maître d' material.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, you're right. You're too good for this place.
SpongeBob: As much as I hate to admit it, I've outgrown the Krusty Krab. Time for me to move on! (exits the Krusty Krab like a man. Mr. Krabs and Squidward watch as he leaves)
Squidward: Where's he going?
Mr. Krabs: A place called "manhood".
(cut to SpongeBob walking through town. He walks past two ladies debating on who pays money)
Nancy: Doris, I insist.
Doris: Don't be silly!
SpongeBob: Allow me ladies. I should pay. After all, I am a man and I'm wearing... (whistles and points to his long pants)
Nancy: What an inseam!
Doris: And those pleats were pretty easy on the eyes!
SpongeBob: (resumes walking. A boat drives by and splashes water on him) Ah, shrimp! (spots the Dry Cleaner's) Oh, dry cleaning, and one hour! (goes in. SpongeBob is hanging on the dry cleaning rack going to the cycle)
Dry-cleaning worker: Uh, ticket please.
SpongeBob: Has it already been one hour? One more time! (the worker presses the button and SpongeBob goes through the cycle again)
(later, SpongeBob is looking at himself in a window)
SpongeBob: Huh? (notices a student driving completing her driving test)
Driving instructor: Congradulations! You passed your driving test!
Mable: Wahoo!
SpongeBob: You know, I've never took the drivers' test with long pants. I'll do it! (goes to take the driving test)
Mirror SpongeBob: There goes a real man.
(transition to SpongeBob taking the driving test, driving past incoming boats)
Driving instructor: Let's try parallel parking. (SpongeBob gets ready to park between two boats) Now take it slow. (SpongeBob proceeds slowly) A little faster? (SpongeBob proceeds faster and crashes between both boats several times)
SpongeBob: Hey, I think I'm getting the hang of this! (the boat is now upside-down and on top of another boat)
Driving instructor: I was gonna fail you, and send you to jail. But because of those long pants and all the blood rushing to my head... you passed! (gives SpongeBob his driving license)
SpongeBob: I finally got my driver's license!
(cut to Mrs. Puff's house)
Mrs. Puff: (puffs up and awakens, horrified) Lock your doors! Bar your windows! It's the end of the world!
(transition to the Fancy! restaurant)
SpongeBob: (walks up to it) "Help wanted"? Now this seems like a long pants establishment! (puts on a bowtie and becomes a waiter)
SpongeBob: (to fancy customers) Today's special is a most amusing Indian ocean seagrass, handpicked by indigenous prawns, pre-chewed by local manatees, and smothered in a rich, red algae.
Fancy fish: Extraordinary! And may I add that those are very impressive breeches you are wearing.
SpongeBob: Breeches? (laughs) Oh, these old things?
Fancy fish: What is your name?
SpongeBob: SpongeBob! (employee clears his throat)
SpongeBob: Oh, (noble accent) SpongeRobert.
Fancy fish: Well, SpongeRobert, how would you like to join us? We're going to a party.
SpongeBob: Boy, would I! I love parties!
(transition to the fancy fish's mansion. SpongeBob and his fancy friends are at the fancy party. SpongeBob is looking around)
Fancy fish: What are you looking for, SpongeRobert?
SpongeBob: I'm looking for the party.
Fancy fish: This is the party.
SpongeBob: (puts on party hat) Well, where's all the party hats, where's the cake, and the clown? You can't have a party without a clown!
Fancy fish: (laughs with his friends) Oh, SpongeRobert. If it weren't for your pants, I'd take you for the type of immature ignoramus that would frequent the Krusty Krab!
SpongeBob: (laughs a little. He hears a boat pulling up outside) Wait, what's that? (sees the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy poster pulled by the boat) The Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy movie is opening tonight! Wow! I totally forgot! Hey, guys. I got an idea! Let's all go to the Mermaid Man movie!
Fancy fish: (laughs) You're incorrigible! But le cinema is a delightful idea. There is a foreign film at the arthouse I've been meaning to see. It's called "The Table".
(transition to SpongeBob and the fancy fish watching "The Table" in the theater. The film is literally just a black-and-white table)
SpongeBob: I don't get it. We have been staring at this table for three hours. That table could use a cleaning.
Squidward: Shhhh! Some people are trying to enjoy le cinema.
SpongeBob: Oh, hey Squidward. Hey, do you understand what this movie is about?
Squidward: Nobody does. It's art. Now sit down!
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward?
Squidward: What?!
SpongeBob: Are you remembering to flip the patties clockwise? It's very important, because–
Squidward: (yelling) Please sit down!
Movie theater attendant: (to Squidward) I'm sorry, sir. You're being too loud. I am going to have to ask you to leave. (Squidward growls and angrily exits the theater)
SpongeBob: (follows him) But wait, Squidward. I'll walk you out! Squidward!
Sandy: Hey, SpongeBob. Y'all going to see the Mermaid Man movie with us?
Fancy fish: SpongeRobert? Yoo-hoo? Are you coming? We're going to drink some more coffee and watch the nightly news.
Sandy: Wow, that sounds pretty grown-up, SpongeRobert!
SpongeBob: (to the fancy fish) My pants say "Yes, yes, yes". But my heart says "No". I want to see the Mermaid Man movie.
Fancy fish: (laughs) Now you really sound like one of those nitwits that frequents the Krusty Krab!
SpongeBob: Not only am I one of those nitwits. I actually work there! (puts on his Krusty Krab uniform and holds up his filthy spatula)
Fancy fish: (disgusted) A peasant in long pants!
2nd fancy fish: Social-climbing sponge!
3rd fancy fish: Poser!
Fancy fish: Let's leave this bottom feeder. (the fancy fish leave)
Sandy: That a boy! I got you a ticket just in case!
SpongeBob: (gasps) Really! (Sandy, Mr. Krabs, and Patrick give the ticket salesman their tickets and go inside. SpongeBob tries to follow, but is stopped by the salesman)
Ticket salesman: I'm sorry. You can't This movie is too silly for a cultivated gentleman of your pant length. House rules.
SpongeBob: What? (reading off the movie poster) "Rated for those in knee-highs only"? Oh, I hate these pants! (struggles to unzip the pants and take them off. He attaches them to a parking meter and attempts to use it to pull his pants off. An incoming boat drives into his stretched pants, sending SpongeBob flying back into the parking meter, and the boat is propelled off into the distance and explodes)
SpongeBob: Oh. Now I know I'm an adult because I've been ripped off by these defective pants! (starts sobbing)
Mr. Krabs: (comes out the theater) What's going on? (sees SpongeBob sobbing) How pathetic. A man in long pants crying.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, why aren't you watching the movie?
Mr. Krabs: How can I watch the movie with all this blubbering going on out here?
SpongeBob: Oh, Mr. Krabs. I'm not ready for long pants. I want my short pants back. But I can't because these are stuck on me.
Mr. Krabs: Oh for Pete's sake. (uses his claws to cut SpongeBob's legs and long pants in half) Sorry about the legs, boy-o.
SpongeBob: (laughs) It's okay! I'm a sponge, remember? (grows new legs)
Mr. Krabs: Well, good! Now, I want you back on the grill tomorrow morning. And if it makes you feel anymore manly, you can do your grilling outdoors!
SpongeBob: Sounds great! (holds up his driver's license) And I'll be driving to work.
Driving instructor: Wait a minute! Oh no you don't! Not with those short pants! (takes SpongeBob's license and rips it up)
(cut back to Mrs. Puff, holding a harpoon and surrounded by rations)
Mrs. Puff: (deflates in relief) I don't know what that was all about, but I'm glad it's over.