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Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: More_Spongebob_Sandy

(Episode starts with SpongeBob walking Gary towards us down a street surrounded by coral)
SpongeBob: (takes a deep breath in to smell the , puffing his chest, happily) Oh, I tell ya', Gary, (looks at Gary while walking) there is nothing better on a sunny day than a brisk walk!
Gary: Meow meow.
SpongeBob: (hears a snail that isn't Gary, stops and turns around to Gary thinking it was him) What's the matter, pal? (cuts to his face) Walking too fast for ya'?
Gary: (cuts to his face) Meow meow. (hears same snail knowing it's different, pulls SpongeBob towards him/her)
SpongeBob: Huh? (falls and is dragged on side by Gary) What is it boy? Is someone in danger? (cuts to see very old snail by a rock, he walks over to the snail)
Old Snail: (whimpers and hides behind rock as SpongeBob approaches)
SpongeBob: Aw. (makes ‘come here' motion) Come here, little fella. (snail approaches him) I won't hurt ya'. (picks up and strokes the snail's gills like a harp, which calms him and makes him fall in love with him) Aw… (picks snail up) I'm gonna call you… Señor Poopus. (looks at Gary) Good job, Gary. Let's get him home so he can eat, (starts to walk home, cutely) he's almost all shell.
Gary: (happily) Meow! (slides home with SpongeBob)
(bubble transition, cuts to inside of SpongeBob's house where we see a happy Señor Poopus being fed out of Gary's bowl)
Señor Poopus: Meow! (takes a bite, zooms out to see SpongeBob and Gary)
SpongeBob: Boy! Señor Poopus sure is hungry!
Gary: (goes up to Señor Poopus to cuddle him) Meow.
Señor Poopus: (likes the cuddling) Meow! (plays with Gary by climbing on his belly, flipping over Gary, both are happy)
SpongeBob: (cutely) Daw! He wants to play!
Patrick: (walks in happily) Huh, wat'cha doin' SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: (looks at Patrick and points to Gary) Oh, Gary's just found this stray snail, and I'm nursing him back to health.
Patrick: (cuts to his face, confused, shrugs) Huh. Well… what about those baby snails? (points other way)
(bubble transition, cuts to a small, arched bridge, hears the sound of baby snails. SpongeBob and Patrick walk under it)
Patrick: They're over here.
(cuts to four, brightly colored baby snails by a rock, wet and shivering)
SpongeBob: Aw! (cuts to him and Patrick, worrisome) So tiny and hungry. They have nobody to take care of them. I'm gonna take ‘em home and feed them.
Patrick: (confused) Feed them to who?
(bubble transition, cuts to a close-up of SpongeBob reading "The Big Book of Snail Care,") SpongeBob: (reading aloud) It is important to keep baby snails warm at all times. (zooms out to see kitchen table with baby bottles (attached by a ruler) and formula, next to Patrick)
Patrick: My mouth is warm! (puts hand in mouth)
SpongeBob: (drops book, faces Patrick neutrally) Good suggestion, Patrick, (picks up bottles and walks to living room) but I got this.
Patrick: Oh.
SpongeBob: (cuts to living room where we see a bed with the snails, SpongeBob is humming as he gives the bottles to them, then tosses a heated blanket over all of them, cuts to him changing the temperature from scorching, to optimal for snails) There we go. (puts device down, rolls up his yellow skin to revel a realistic arm, which he squirts formula on to test the temperature) Perfect temperature! Time to eat my little snaily-poos! (gives bottles to the happy snails,changes view to other direction) Eat up, you little cuties!
Patrick: So… (confused, scratches hip) I guess I'll be going then. (leaves depressingly)
SpongeBob: (laughs in cuteness)
Patrick: (turns back for a split second with pearly eyes, sadly sighs and leaves again)
(bubble transition, cuts to TV room where SpongeBob finished taking care of the baby snails and feeds Gary and Señor Poopus, he walks away until he hears another foreign meow)
SpongeBob: Huh? Did one of you guys lose your bottle? (finds that everyone's happy by zooming up on them, hears snail coming from out the door, he puts down the food to open the door, does a double take) Huh? (a purple snail climbs up and over him to get inside to find her babies and comfort them)
Mother Snail: Meow!
SpongeBob: (on floor, covered in slime, pearly eyed) Oh! (gets up) You must be the snail mom! (cuts to cute snail family, baby snails comfort their mom)
Patrick: (walks in confidently) Hey SpongeBob. (a greenish-brown, male fish walks in with a seemingly empty blue shell) This guy found a snail in his garden, and he didn't know what to do, so I told him how you take care of snails!
Fish #1: (gives SpongeBob the snail) Thanks, pal! You're a lifesaver. (walks out)
Patrick: (confidently) That's a pretty good thing I thought of, whe—(interrupted by SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: (holding snail) I'll call you… (snail pops out of shell, with his head being a realistic face of Paul Tibbit) Donny!
Donny: (muffled) Meow!
Patrick: (depressed) Aw… (leaves slouching as SpongeBob tickles the snail and slams the door)
(bubble transition, cuts to SpongeBob on his lounge chair cuddling the eight snails, he hears the doorbell ring)
SpongeBob: Oh! Excuse me. (slides underneath snails in his lap to walk to door quietly) Pardon me. (very loudly) Just a minute!!! (scares the baby snails)
Baby Snails: (screeching, while jumping really high with wide eyes) Meow!!!
SpongeBob: (opens door to see a cardboard box with three snails, to then see Patrick and a yellow fish on a boat mobile at the curb)
Patrick and Fish #2: (waving and yelling in the distance happily) THANKS SNAIL GUY!!! (drives away really fast, cuts back to SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: (slides box inside)
(bubble transition, cuts to a random part of downtown)
SpongeBob: (walking with a wheelbarrow, struggling a lot to pull huge bags of food and litter) Three bags of snail chow… four bags of snail litter… (cuts to house, where we see a long line of fish at the door, all carrying snail(s) or a box of snails to SpongeBob happily)
Fish #3: (we see a white, female fish put down a box of three snails) Thanks snail guy! (more random fish put the remaining snails in that same box, piling them up)
SpongeBob: (confused) Uh… you're welcome. (cuts to inside living room, crowded with the snails brought to him meowing) Okay. (carrying a stack of food bowls agitated) Will you guys just relax!? (steps over snails) You're all gonna get fed. (steps over snails agitated) Donny! Keep out of Walter's dish! (steps over snails agitated) Orbulox! What are you doing!? (steps over snails agitated) Cheryll, Henry, no fighting! (sees himself covered in slime, a snail climbs on his head) Geez! My pants are getting ruined and my head is sticky. (rubs slime off head) I gotta do something about this. (walks to bathtub, pulls a snail off his head, takes off pants and removes shower curtains to wrap around himself like a dress, places a bath rug on his head like a wig, resembles a grandma)
(bubble transition, cuts to a long line of angry customers at the Krusty Krab, pans to Squidward reading)
Mr. Krabs: (walks to Squidward agitated) Squidward! (points to customers) Why aren't you takin' orders from these good people?
Squidward: I would, but what's the point? There's no one to make the food.
Mr. Krabs: (gasps in fear, stutters and waves his arms like a broken record) Wha-ba-ba-wha-ba-ba-WHAT!? (stern) Where's SpongeBob?
Squidward: Lemme' think. No idea.
Mr. Krabs: (angrily points at Squidward) Then you'll have to do SpongeBob's job too.
Squidward: (opens his eyes, nervously makes a defense) I can't do that!
Mr. Krabs: (shrugs it off calmly) Of course you can. Any idiot can do it. (stern) Now get to work! (walks out) I'm gonna go find SpongeBob! (opens the doors and leaves)
Customers: (they yell louder)
Squidward: (fearful) Alright, alright, calm down everybody! I'm gonna take your order! (writes an order down)
Mr. Krabs: (cuts to him knocking on SpongeBob's door)
SpongeBob: (looking tired and insane) Yes?
Mr. Krabs: (shocked, then stares at his goofy outfit as if he's a real lady, gels his eye stalks) Ooooh! Excuse me, me lovely. (flirts, leans on doorframe) Maybe I've got the wrong house here, (stares at him) but I can't say I'm disappointed. (quietly) I was seeking me ol' matey SpongeBob, and—
SpongeBob: Oh hey, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: (flabbergasted, stares at him strongly and suddenly) BAH! D—SpongeBob!? That's you boy? (stern) Why aren't you at work? (confused) And… why are you dressed like an eye-popping, south sea hooli-gal?
SpongeBob: (unusually emotionless) Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Krabs, but I'm so busy taking care of these snails. I'll try to come in tomorrow.
Mr. Krabs: (angrily) You'll… TRY!?!? (sternly points at him squinting) Listen up, me boy'o, YOU'LL DO MORE THAN TRY!!! YOU'LL—
SpongeBob: (hears glass break and electric shock with a meow) Sam! Vince! You leave electric Ronny alone! (scared and stern) Mr. Buster, get off the shelf!!! (something falls and glass breaks, scared, walks back in) Nothing today, thank you, bye Mr. Krabs. (closes door)
Mr. Krabs: (in shock, he opens his moth wide, and his eyes fall inward from the sockets out of the mouth onto floor)
(bubble transition, cuts to Squidward's house at night)
Squidward: (walks towards his house, very tired, he sniffs) Oh… I can't believe I had to do my job AND SpongeBob's. (sneezes loudly at door, opens door and sneezes again)
(time card with "The Next Morning…" pops up)
French Narrator: Ze next morning…
Squidward: (cuts to day, we see Squidward walk outside restless with sores and slime all over him, sees slime on feet agitated) Oh, what the—AH-CHOOO!!! (sneezes loudly, tired) Oh, it's not a cold, it's my allergies. (sees a snail passing by him to SpongeBob's house, to then see an insane SpongeBob feeding the snails food outside, he angrily walks to SpongeBob to poke him) Hey! Lady!
SpongeBob: (turns around emotionlessly) Huh?
Squidward: (flabbergasted, does a take and a scream worried) SpongeBob, is that you?
SpongeBob: (insanely and quietly) I don't know. (places another bowl)
Squidward: (concerned) What happened to you? (agitated) And… where did all these snails come from!?
SpongeBob: (insane and quiet) Don't worry. I'm taking very good care of all my snails. (places another bowl)
Squidward: (agitated) I'm not worried about them, I'm worried about me! I'm allergic to snails!
SpongeBob: (insanely and quietly) Even Gary? (slams a bowl on Squidward's stomach by accident)
Squidward: D'oh (snails keep sliding) One snail I can handle. (shrugs) Maybe even two or three. But this!? Psst, (angrily) No way! Just—how many snails do you have?
SpongeBob: (insanely and quietly) I don't know. Let's count them, shall we? (to himself, counts on fingers) One, two, three, Mary, Donny, Camilla, Señor Poopus, Jack, twenty-four, (counts on other hand) Paul, Brenda, Cheryll, Steve, the one that keeps barfing on the floor, fourty-eight, (cuts to Squidward angry) Orbulex, Vince, Mabel, Mayphus Jr., (cuts back to him) Electric Ronny, Dianne, Pam, ninety-seven, (counts on other hand) Walter, Sarah, Boogalah, Shrimp, a Hunded Fourty-One, (cuts to Squidward angry) Private, Ava, that's a hundred sixty-four, Old Iron, snail that I didn't name, that's two-hundred forty-three, (cuts to an even louder Squidward) Sean, Andy, Mr. Buster, Mrs. Buster, Sellout, that's two-hundred fifty-eight!
Squidward: (stutters angrily) Enough! You have to get rid of those snails and get back to work!
SpongeBob: (suspiciously insane and quiet) Work? But I found my life's work. (leans to side for snail to climb on him) Taking care of wayward snails.
(bubble transition, cuts to a close-up of an extremely swollen Squidward holding a phone)
Squidward: (to phone angrily) He said like two-hundred and fifty-eight! (zooms out on a really, cartoonishly swollen Squidward at the Krusty Krab) WELL DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! THAT'S WHY I PAY TAXES! (slams phone down) Ow… (rubs head) My allergies are killing me. (zooms out to see a reddish-brown customer)
Fish #4: (surfer-like) Uh, hello? Hey man, (looks at watch) I'm super hungry. (shrugs) Where's my food, dude?
Squidward: (agitated) Ugh, chill your gills, I'll get your food, DUDE. (grabs a Krabby Patty, sneezes loudly on it in front of customer, covering it in a sea of fluid) AH-CHOOO!!! (zooms in on contaminated patty)
Fish #4: (disgusted) Uh, not so super hungry all of a sudden, (angry) and also, I'm SUPER not paying! (walks out)
Mr. Krabs: (swiftly dashes to Squidward stern) Squidward! Have you lost your ever-loving mind!? You cannot be sneezin' all over me Krabby Patties! (folds arms) The customers don't like it. (cuts to see a tall, purple fish eating multiple wet patties happily) Except for that guy… (guy laughs)
Squidward: That's it, I'm done. (walks out of boat)
Mr. Krabs: (flabbergasted and nervous, waves arms to stop Squidward) Whoah-wa-wa-wah-wah—you can't abandon ship, I'd have to work all by me self.
Squidward: (walks out) Don't worry, it's not a problem, any (air quotes) "Idiot" can do it, right? (leaves)
Mr. Krabs: (exhausted, sits on wet patty) Right.
(bubble transition, cuts to Patrick bringing an empty shell, glue and paper towel tubes to SpongeBob's slimy house)
Patrick: Well if it's snail friends he wants, it's a snail friend he's a-gonna get. (pokes eyes inside towel tubes to look like eye stalks, then applies glue to the bottom of the shell and falls backwards onto it, then tucks his feet in the shell, all to look like a snail) Meow!
SpongeBob: (insanely, opens door) Oh, another little stray friend. What is your name little fellow?
Patrick: (disguised as happy snail) It's Patrick—uh, MREOW!
SpongeBob: (picks up and hugs Patrick) I think I'll call you… Patrick! (drags him inside for him to see the slimy horror of the hundreds of snails he's keeping, showing it in a montage which scares Patrick)
Patrick: (scared, attempts to slither outside) Uh—uuuuuuhhhhhh.
SpongeBob: Oh no, you dirty boy, you need a bath (walks to catch Patrick)
Patrick: (is grabbed after escaping out the door, afraid) Mreow! No! (is dragged inside by one arm) No! Meow! (door's slammed)
(bubble transition, cut to aerial view of house where an official in a tan suit is knocking on the door)
SpongeBob: Hello, police.
Official: (stern) Excuse me, ma'am, but we've had some complaints.
SpongeBob: (insanely laughs) No thank you, please.
Patrick: (attempts to escape again, frightened)
SpongeBob: Oh no, Patrick, no outsidies for you. (grabs Patrick)
Patrick: (desperate) Mmmmmm… Meow! Help! Meow! Help! (dragged inside by SpongeBob, cuts to Squidward)
Squidward: (worried) He said no thank you, please!? (agitated) What does that even mean!? I demand you do something about those snails! (angrily) Now! (zooms out to see his head swollen so much that he's practically a spherical face with arms and legs taped on, and so much so that he needs to struggle to get his phone out of his ear. He settles for not removing it and walks to the elevator. The phone's cord tightens and the dial also hits him. He looks outside to see SpongeBob building a huge fence) Oh! This has got to stop! (phone on his ear rings, he falls trying to answer it because his hand is stuck. Cuts to pineapple, where SpongeBob locks the fence's door)
SpongeBob: (faces snails insanely) Oh, the bad men wanna take you away from me. But I won't let them. (he sees a police boat and a loading truck driving in the distance to his house, concerned he gasps and tries to run away and hide the snails, but trips over one when they arrive, landing on the ground and getting sand in his mouth, does a frankenstein walk to the door insanely mumbling) Sanctuary! Sanctuary! (all the snails hide inside, barely fitting) Everybody in! (the house is so filled that it bloats to then mildly explode like a volcano. All the snails still fit, house intact, SpongeBob buries himself inside)
(a truck saying "Bob Barnacle Snail Center" and a police boat arrive, the official and a very handsome manager exit)
Official: SpongeBob is behind that fence, and he has locked the gate. (a bloated Squidward walks to him)
Squidward: (agitated) Oh, quit messin' around and just break down the gate!
Bob Barnacle (Manager): (calmly, with a smooth and poignant voice) Wait, maybe there's another way. Get me a bullhorn, I want to talk to her.
Official: Him. (hands the manager a bullhorn)
Bob Barnacle: (shocked) Oh, right. Him. (speaks concernedly into bullhorn) SpongeBob! I need you to listen to me! (cuts to top of house, where's it's leaves look like a nest, the snails form a wave to safely lower SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: (exhausted) Hello.
Bob Barnacle: (happily, confidently) SpongeBob! My name is Bob Barnacle! I run the Bob Barnacle snail rescue center! These snails all got loose from a hole in my fence in my snail center. I'm here to help the snails. (puts hand on heart, points to SpongeBob) I'm here to help you.
SpongeBob: (exhausted, waves) Hello.
Bob Barnacle: (comforting, sympathetic) I know that you mean well, but there's only so much one sponge can do. You must be very tired from all your hard work. (SpongeBob starts to wake up) My center has all the space and staff that a snail needs. (makes a come here gesture) They'll be well taken care of. (snails wiggle as they lower an exhausted SpongeBob to ground safely, leaving Señor Poopsy on his head) I promise, the snails will be happy. (SpongeBob unlocks and opens door)
Señor Poopus: (happy) Meow!
Bob Barnacle: Esmerelda!
SpongeBob: (confused) Esmerelda?
Bob Barnacle: (relieved) Yes, that's her name. (she licks his face) What did you call her?
SpongeBob: (giggling) Señor Poopus. (laughs hard)
(bubble transition, cut to the truck after packing it with happy snails)
SpongeBob: (relieved) So long! I'm gonna miss you guys. Especially you, Señor Poopus. (laughs) I mean Señorita Esmerelda.
Bob Barnacle: (loads the last of the snails, comforts SpongeBob) You did the right thing. You can visit the snail center anytime.
SpongeBob: (excited) Thanks Bob, we will! (Gary approaches him) But I'm going back to being a one-snail guy. (pats Gary) That's the way I like it.
Gary: (happily) Meow!
Bob Barnacle: (entering truck) Don't forget to get your pet spayed or neutered. (closes door)
SpongeBob: (takes one last look, Patrick slithers to SpongeBob while trapped in the truck)
Patrick: Bye, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Bye, Patrick. (truck drives away, he gets the realization that it's Patrick and gasps) Patrick!? (runs towards truck loudly and concerned) PATRICK! DON'T WORRY! I'M GOING TO ADOPT YOU!!!