Back

Kenny the Cat

Typed By: CowBob RanchPants

(The scene begins in the Krusty Krab, Squidward suddenly gets blown in by SpongeBob's inhaling from the window.)
Squidward: SpongeBob how about more Krabby Patties and less heavy breathing?
(SpongeBob points and stops a timer on the grill with his spatula. He exhales and the air goes into Squidward's mouth, causing him to swell up.)
SpongeBob: Wow, that's the longest I've held my breath. (He holds his timer.) Three whole seconds! I'm going to try for five seconds next. (He inhales a big breath.)
Squidward: Keep that up and you'll loose consciousness. Tentacles crossed. (He crosses his fingers.)
SpongeBob: Degh, silly Squidward. I'm not going to- (He turns blue and passes out.)
(Mr. Krabs comes into the kitchen.)
Mr. Krabs: What's going on around here? (He brings out the secret formula, takes out the cork and lets SpongeBob smell it to regain consciousness.)
SpongeBob: Degh? Dergega?
Mr. Krabs: Well I could be asking you the same thing boy.
SpongeBob: Sorry Mr. Krabs. I was merely eliminating my latest media obsession (singing) Kenny the Cat! (He points to all his posters of him.)
Mr. Krabs: Kenny the Cat? What in clams' name is a "the cat"?
SpongeBob: He's the greatest under sea athlete to originate from above the wet and briny. And he's been shattering records all over holding his breath as he walks the ocean floor. (He shows Mr. Krabs his posters of Kenny during various things.) I wanna be just like Kenny the Cat. (He inhales and walks to Mr. Krabs like Kenny does.) That's what he does. He walks like that and he holds his breath like that. Kenny is a sensationality. Haven't you noticed my recent lettuce customization? (The lettuce on the Krabby Patties look like Kenny.)
Mr. Krabs: No.
SpongeBob: And you haven't perused my collection of Kenny the Cat periodicals? (He pulls out magazines with the guy on them.) Or noticed Kenny on every channel known to fish kind? (He flips the channels on a little TV.)
Mr. Krabs: Uhh no.
SpongeBob: (He opens the back door.) But what about the Kenny the Cat blimp which hovers over the Kenny the Cat sports stadium? (We see all those things outside.)
Mr. Krabs: Haven't noticed him.
SpongeBob: Huh. (Mr. Krabs walks to leave.) Haven't you seen him in your wallet?
(Mr. Krabs pauses for a moment and gasps.)
Mr. Krabs: Me wallet?! (He pulls it out.) What's he been doing in there? (He takes out the money inside of it.)
SpongeBob: Oh he's on all the new fifty dollar bills.
Mr. Krabs: Oooooh, that Kenny the Cat. Well he's a sensationality.
SpongeBob: Yeah and he's visiting to Bikini Bottom tomorrow. With hundreds of his rabidly loyal fans.
Mr. Krabs: Hundreds you say?
SpongeBob: Maybe even a thousand!
(Mr. Krabs turns into the shape of a dollar sign.)
Mr. Krabs: Sa-say kiddo why don't you see if you can get ole Kenny and his throng of fans to visit the ole Krusty Krab for a while?
SpongeBob: I shall do my crustiest sir. (He lifts up his hat.)
(In a new scene, SpongeBob walks into Sandy's treedome holding his breath and humming.)
Sandy: (gasps) SpongeBob! Don't you want your water helmet? (She follows him with it.)
SpongeBob: Dahahah, not necessary Sandy. Like my personal hero Kenny the Cat. I'm a-okay. (He chokes and dries up. Sandy hoses him down.)
Sandy: Well if you ain't goin' to use your helmet I suggest you make it quick SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: (moans) Uhhh (He returns to his normal, wet self.) Ah! Hey Sandy you're kinda like a cat aren't you?
(Sandy's head literally goes upside down.)
Sandy: Cat? In what way am I kinda like a cat?!
SpongeBob: Well aren't cats and squirrels basically the same thing?
Sandy: We are both mammals but that is where the similarities end. Cats are no good scoundrels and I ain't never trusted one of them.
SpongeBob: Well you can trust "Kenny the". He's the heroic cat that's been holding his breath days at a time.
Sandy: I hate to precipitate on your party SpongeBob (she hoses him with more water) but that is impossible. No air breather could ever do that, not even me. (shivers)
SpongeBob: Very well Sandra, if that is your stand so be it. Could someone be jealous of Kenny's dazzling lung capacity?
(The next scene shows SpongeBob and Patrick sitting on a sidewalk in downtown Bikini Bottom at night. They have some Kenny the Cat merchandise.)
SpongeBob and Patrick: Kenny the Cat! Kenny the Cat! Kenny the Cat!
(Nat strolls by and stops by.)
Nat: You do know that Kenny won't be until ten?
SpongeBob: Ahuh.
Nat: Tomorrow. Morning.
SpongeBob: Uh yeah fourteen hours is cutting it close but I had to work all day.
Nat: Hopeless... (He walks off.)
SpongeBob: You know I've read in Kenny Fancy Magazine that he's so use to holding his breath that when he's top sided he forgets to breathe.
Patrick: Wow, huh. That'd be like me forgetting to- (His stomach growls.) Ooh ooh! Oh oh! (He grabs a taco from his pocket.) Ahh, there you are pocket taco. (He takes a bite of it and swallows.)
SpongeBob: (happily sighs and lays back) Patrick have you ever gazed up into the starry night and seen Kenny the Cat's face?
Patrick: No.
SpongeBob: Find the Goober constellation and the dorsal constellation. (He draws them out with his finger in the sky.) Then squint your eyes and let the details fall into place.
Patrick: Uhhh. (squinting in the sky) Oop, I don't see it. Kenny's really got into your head lately.
SpongeBob: Yeah Kenny's awesome. Hey that reminds me. (He lifts up a box with his foot.) Let's paint our faces to look like Kenny. (SpongeBob uses a color brush on Patrick's face and hums.) Humm hum hum hum! Perfect! (Patrick has a face now that resembles a cat.) We're the biggest Cat fans ever! (Patrick looks at himself in the mirror).
Patrick: This uh.. is getting creepy.
SpongeBob: (He's painting his face in the corner.) Hey buddy check it out. (He's hideously looking like one too.)
Patrick: Great Neptune! Hey SpongeBob, uh I'm going to go now your obsession with Kenny is getting weird.
SpongeBob: But you didn't even get to see my new Kenny the Cat temporary tattoo. (He shows him it on his back.)
Patrick: (shivering) Uh that's okay.. see you SpongeBob! (He jogs off.)
SpongeBob: Well I guess it's plain to see who the true Kenny the Cat fan is.
(Fast forward and it's morning. SpongeBob is in a Kenny sleeping bag along with other merchandise. His Kenny alarm goes off as he's already awake.)
SpongeBob: Ten o'clock! Kenny time!
(He springs out of his bag and next to a guy.)
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen now is the time you've all been waiting for (a crowd appears) Kenny the Cat is going to do his signature walk.
(We see him coming.)
SpongeBob: Kenny!
(Kenny is signing Harold's fin.)
Harold: Thanks Kenny!
SpongeBob: Kenny sir, it would mean a lot of you signed my official Kenny the Cat spatula. (He signs it.) Thanks Kenny you're so real.
(Kenny nods his head in agreement and rubs his growling stomach.)
SpongeBob: Oh you're hungry? What do you say we move this autograph session to the Krusty Krab?
(Kenny gives the "a-okay" sign with his hand.)
SpongeBob: (gasps) Gee gahacha! Did you see that? Kenny just gave me the three trademark a-okay hand sign. (gasps again) Sw-swoon swoon!
(They're at the Krusty Krab now and the audience is outside with money.)
Mr. Krabs: One at a time, one at a time please. (They come inside giving him the cash.) Kenny the Cat will have time to meet each and every one of yas. (To his money.) And I will have time to take each and every one of yer dollars. Look at meself, I'm not being a very good host. (He swiftly moved towards SpongeBob and Kenny who's signing stuff.) Uh excuse me you just make yourself at home Kenny. I mean Mr. The Cat. Here you go. (He reaches for packets of condiments in his pocket.) Condiments, on the house. Don't tell anybody welcome to the Krusty Krab family. Ar ar ar ar ar!
(Suddenly a tank almost slides down Kenny's back, but he scoops it up before anyone can notice.)
SpongeBob: Mr. The Cat everything doing okay?
(He moans silently and draws out a picture of a toilet on a notepad.)
SpongeBob: Hey Mr. Krabs this is going to be a long day for Kenny how about we give him a minute to freshen up?
Mr. Krabs: What an excellent idea SpongeBob. A clean cat is a money making cat I always say. Please amend yourself to the lounge facilities.
(Kenny runs off.)
SpongeBob: Well I best get back to manning the grill.
(Inside the bathroom, Kenny pulls out the oxygen tank from his back fur.)
Kenny the Cat: This gets real uncomfortable after a while.
(He throws the tank down and inhales water. He turns blue and quickly puts on the oxygen mask.
SpongeBob barges in with a Krabby Patty.)
SpongeBob: Sorry to bother you Mr. The Cat I thought you'd might abide to- wooooooah!
Kenny the Cat: (He inhales more air and exhaling in relief.) Aaaaaah.
SpongeBob: Huh huh huhhh?
Kenny the Cat: Good thing I got this oxygen tank and mask or otherwise there's no way I'd be able to hold my breath this long.
(SpongeBob's heart inside of him shatters.)
SpongeBob: How could you Kenny? You broke my heart! Here I was this entire time believing your act only to discover but it was nothing but an... act!
Kenny the Cat: But it's not what you think!
SpongeBob: There's no room for thoughts now only for tears.
(SpongeBob cries and runs away.)
Kenny the Cat: SpongeBob wait! Woah! (He trips over his oxygen tank and takes another breath in it.)
(SpongeBob is back manning the grill.)
SpongeBob: I can't believe fell for such a phony! (sniffs) Oh well, time to move on. Guess I don't need my Kenny the Cat fan club membership card anymore. (He tears it in half.) Or these Kenny the Cat posters. (He pulls them off the wall.) Oh Kenny how could you? (He's holding a Kenny stuffed doll.) You were my idol. You know I should really talk about this with someone or I might get... depressed.
Kenny the Cat: SpongeBob! Please let me explain. I'm just a cat with a dream, a dream to give the gift of hope. See above water I'm a nobody. Just another annoying cat but down here someone special. Someone who can make people happy. And if making the world happier place makes me a criminal (sobbing) than lock me up and throw away the key. Have mercy! (He hugs onto SpongeBob.)
SpongeBob: Alright Kenny alright I promise I won't tell anyone.
Kenny the Cat: Really?
SpongeBob: Yes really.
Kenny the Cat: Alright! (He jumps into the air.) Thanks Bob you'd the best friend I've ever had. Now if you'll excuse moa I've got to sign some autographs. (He walks out of the kitchen.)
Mr. Krabs: Aah, the cat of the hour is back. (The audience cheers.) Alright you ready to sign for these fine dollars? I mean uh suckers- I mean uh some autographs? (He nods and they cheer again.) Well alrighty then, that's what the consuming public wants to hear!
(He signs some guy's paper.)
Fish: Sir I just want to say that you're the biggest inspiration myself and my friends have ever known. Your ability to hold your breath has changed our lives, forever.
(We see a group of kids including Monroe and Billy holding their breaths. They turn blue and a little girl falls down. Kenny writes out a letter and SpongeBob reads it for him.)
SpongeBob: (reading) You're welcome I've been holding my breath for more than twenty years no problem. (gulp) You can too signed Kenny the breath holding Cat?
Sandy: Hiya Kenny, mine if I get your signature? (He takes her paper.) Gee, it sure is nice to meet another air breathing, warm blooded varmint down here.
Kenny the Cat: Mhmmm.
Sandy: Just out of scientific curiosity, how do ya hold your breath for so long?
SpongeBob: (nervous) Ahaha, we don't needen to burden ourselves with such needless scientific contecuafites Sandy.
Sandy: I'm just wondering SpongeBob I mean he does defy all scientific logic. Considering the fact that all air breathing mammals need oxygen to the brain and lungs to survive for more than three minutes. (She gives him a bad look.)
SpongeBob: (He pushes Sandy away.) Hey, maybe we should show our guest a little more hospitality hmm?
Sandy: (She knocks him off and Kenny is trying his best to hold his breath.) What has gotten into you SpongeBob? Can't I talk about what surely should be happening from a technological stand point? I mean like the lack of oxygen will will tighten the capillaries and the lungs (gasps) causing a dangerous level of carbon monoxide to rise in the blood stream. Which in term leaves a ghostly blue color to the skin (Kenny turns blue.) followed by eventual unconsciousness?
Kenny the Cat: I can't take it! I need oxygen! (He pounds on his chest, letting the oxygen tank in his back to come out. The surrounding fans gasps as he uses the mask and sighs in relief.) Aaaaah.
Sandy: I knew Kenny was a fake!
(The fish boo and walk out.)
Audience member: Liar!
Mr. Krabs: No! Come back. Oh thanks a lot you air breathing sharelion. (He backs off the screen.) You can forget about these free condiments too. (He takes them back behind Kenny's fur.)
(Outside SpongeBob and Kenny in a diver suit talk.)
SpongeBob: Gee Kenny, I sure am sorry if I ruined your career.
Kenny the Cat: Aww, it's okay SpongeBob. Maybe the whole shamble was a big wake up call to be honest.
SpongeBob: Hey I've got an idea. (snaps) Most cats hate water right? Well you can be the cat that liked water. That way you're still special.
Kenny the Cat: I like it. (He does the a-okay sign and SpongeBob does it back.)
Sandy: Just get out of here already. (She pulls a plug from his suit and it propels him up.) You can never trust a cat...or is it a dog?
End