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SpongeBob, You're Fired!

(At the Krusty Krab. Squidward at register sleeping and snoring. SpongeBob reaches up to take order paper from the kitchen. He puts the paper up to his face and looks really excited. His eye have Krabby Patties as pupils now. SpongeBob tosses the paper and walks to the freezer, opens the door, and gets one patty. The patty is covered by paper on the top and bottom. SpongeBob takes off the top piece, crumbles it, and flicks it to the trash. He flips the patty over and onto the grill with his hand and takes off the other piece of paper. He flicks it away and it goes through the register window and bounces off of Squidward's head and lands in the trash bin. SpongeBob presses the button on the "Slice-O-Matic" to turn it on. He then puts his body through it head first and little sponge bodies run down the counter, jump into the soapy sink, and start cleaning the dishes. They all go back to the floor and stack in the 3x3 section and SpongeBob pops back into his normal shape. SpongeBob flips the patty on the grill, puts his spatula away in his pants, and lunges through the register window, waking Squidward and knocking his hat off)
Squidward: Huh? Who's that?
(Squidward puts his hat back on and goes to sleep. SpongeBob lands on a beam close to the ceiling next to a bucket and mop. He ties a rope to his hat, does a "victory screech" type of scream, and jumps down to the floor swinging. He mops the floor as he swings back and forth. He swings back up the beam, dives down, cuts the rope with scissors, and flies back through the register window to the kitchen, knocking off Squidward's hat and picking up a patty with his spatula.)
SpongeBob: Ah. (SpongeBob places the patty on a bun and tosses his spatula away. He cracks his knuckles. His hands go all around has he places the toppings on the patty.) Hmm, something's missing. (He opens a cabinet full of pickles in jars.) Aha! June 15th! (Looks through the jars and pulls one out. Shakes it and listens to the sound. Opens it and sips the juice, swishes the juice around in his mouth, and the spits it back into the jar.) Fine month for pickles. (Places two pickle slices onto the Krabby Patty and places lettuce over them like a blanket, tucking them in. He flips the top bun onto the patty)
(Squidward snoring at register. SpongeBob swings door open making a loud bang. He's holding the Krabby Patty on a plate)
SpongeBob: Order up! One perfect patty on a pristine plate in a squeaky-clean Krusty Krab! Man, oh, man do I love my job.
(Mr. Krabs taps SpongeBob on the shoulder)
SpongeBob: Hey, Mr. Krabs. What's the good word?
Mr. Krabs: We, actually, SpongeBob, uh, there's two words. And they're not very good. You're fired.
SpongeBob: (Chuckles in disbelief) What!?
Squidward: (Wakes up) Fired!?
Mr. Krabs: (Mr. Krabs making calculations) We'll you see, I've been doin' some calculatin', and, you know, crunching the old numbers. (Pulls paper from calculator and shows SpongeBob) And it turns out that I'll save a whole nickel if I cut your salary. Completely
SpongeBob: (Stuttering and stammering) But how about if I work for free?
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, I looked into that. Apparently, it's "illegal." (making air quotes) And I'll lose my "vendor's license." Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Customer: Uh, 'scuse me. Is that mine? (Customer points to Krabby Patty)
SpongeBob: Oh, I don't know. Maybe. (Sniffs. SpongeBob Drops the patty on the floor) Take it.
Mr. Krabs: (Mr. Krabs pulls SpongeBob closer to him) You know I love you like a son, but you can't argue with a nickel.
SpongeBob: (Sweating nervously) But--but--but--but-bu-bu-but-but-bu-bu-but--but-bu-bu-but-but-but-but.
Squidward: Hey, what about me? Can I get fired too?
Mr. Krabs: I'm afraid not, Squidward. You've got seniority.
Squidward: Oh, yeah.
Mr. Krabs: Nope, it's gotta be you son. You're canned. (Hands SpongeBob a can) Here's your pink slip. (Puts pink dress on SpongeBob.) I'm giving you the ax. (Gives SpongeBob ax. SpongeBob drops it, splitting his body down the middle. SpongeBob pops back together) You're fired.
(Gasps. Starts crying)
SpongeBob: No! Not that! Anything but that!
Mr. Krabs: So, uh, if you could just hand over your spatula. Uhh, I'll just take that. (Mr. Krabs tries to take SpongeBob's spatula)
SpongeBob: Here, I'll get that for ya. (SpongeBob pulls off his own arm and gives it to Mr. Krabs)
Mr. Krabs: Eh, I'll also need the hat. Allow me. (Mr. Krabs tries to take SpongeBob's hat. It suctions to one of his pores and then pops off) Go ahead. Take a moment to collect yourself. Long as you need.
(SpongeBob's crying floods the Krusty Krab and the register boat starts floating away.)
Old Man Jenkins: (Floating on a barrel) I'm not a very strong swimmer.
(Squidward walks over by SpongeBob and screws a hole in the floor. Tears drain. SpongeBob is still crying. Squidward comes over to him with a box carrier and lifts SpongeBob away.)
Squidward: Okay, that's enough. It's closin' time. (Squidward brings SpongeBob out the front door) You know, it just won't be the same around here without you. You'll have to visit sometime...as a customer. (SpongeBob starts crying again) Buh-bye now. (Squidward waves goodbye) Sayonara. Good riddance. (Closes door) Man is it gonna be sweet without that pest around. (SpongeBob has his face against the window. Squidward lowers a "Krabby Patty" sign in front of his face) This day couldn't get any better. Well Eugene, let me commend you on a terrific business decision. But now that SpongeBob's gone, who will be running the grill?
(Mr. Krabs puts on SpongeBob's hat and holds up the spatula still attached to SpongeBob's arm)
Mr. Krabs: Squidward, I'll have you know I was five times golden spatuler in the Navy, so I'll be runnin' the grill. (The spatula catches on fire)
Squidward: I can smell the grease fires already.
(SpongeBob walking into his has at night looking sad)
SpongeBob: Hey Gary, I'm home. Forever. (leans over the arm rest of his sofa. Crying)
Gary: Mow-meow. (Asking what's wrong)
SpongeBob: Oh, Mr. Krabs feels he doesn't need me anymore.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: What's that Gary? You need me? Aw, the unconditional love of a pet. (Gary holds up his food bowl) Oh, I'm sorry. Here I am wallowing in my misery, and it's past your dinner time. (They go into the kitchen, Gary drops the bowl on the floor, SpongeBob opens the cabinet and pulls out a can of snail food. Uses can opener to open it. His arm twists around the can as it spins) I used to feed everyone in Bikini Bottom. Now I just feed you. (Walks over and dumps food into bowl from can while his arm is still twisted around the can. Walks back to couch and his arm unravels. Gary sits SpongeBob's hand on the armrest) Oh, thanks, Gary.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: (SpongeBob holds up remote) That's how I used to hold my spatula. (Starts crying)
(Patrick can be heard crying in the distance. Then SpongeBob sees Patrick at the window.)
SpongeBob: Patrick, what's wrong?
Patrick: Oh, hey SpongeBob. I heard you crying, and it made me sad.
SpongeBob Gee, I'm sorry. Why don't you come inside.
Patrick: Okay! (Patrick comes smashing through the window) Hi, SpongeBob! Why are you making me so sad?
SpongeBob: Patrick, the most horrible thing happened today. I got... f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f--
Patrick: Free french fries!?
SpongeBob: F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f--
Patrick: Fried fatatas!?
SpongeBob: F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f--
Patrick: Frothy frappe!?
SpongeBob: F-f-f-f-f--
Patrick: I can't think of any more food that starts with the letter "C," SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: It's not food, Patrick. I got fired.
Patrick: Hey, that's great! Being unemployed is the best gig I know! I'll tell you what, meet me tomorrow morning, and I'll introduce you to the wonders of the unemployed lifestyle.
SpongeBob: Sorry Patrick, I can't. I have to work-- oh. Yeah, okay.
Patrick: Great! See ya then. (Patrick slams through the wall as he leaves. SpongeBob sighs)
Narrator: The next morning (Time card showing "The Next Morning...")
(Patrick is walking over to SpongeBob's house. Humming. Knocks on the door. SpongeBob slowly opens it and comes out.)
Patrick: (Gasps) Hey buddy! Are you ready? Ready for your first day of glorious unemployment? Or as I like to call it, "fun-employment."
(SpongeBob is holding a "Best Day Ever" mug and he is unshaven and looking bad)
SpongeBob: Yeah sure, whatever. (SpongeBob takes sip from mug and then puts his arm down, spilling the rest of the drink)
Patrick: That's the spirit! (They walk over by Squidward's garden. Squidward is working) Now, the first stop on our tour of fun-employment is a healthy breakfast with our good friend, Mr. Squidward. Hey, Squidward! (Squidward sees Patrick standing in the garden and gets angry) How are you this fine morning?
Squidward: How many times do I have to tell you...Keep! Off! My! Petunias! (Throws tomatoes and other vegetables at Patrick. Patrick salts them and eats them)
Patrick: I'll just save this for later (Puts last tomato in his pants) Now you try!
SpongeBob: (Sighs. Sips from mug. Patrick is laughing) Hey, Squidward, look at me. I'm fun-employed. (Squidward dumps vegetables on SpongeBob's head then takes off his hat and tears it apart. SpongeBob sips from mug)
Patrick: Hey! You're good at this. Next on our itinerary, a brief mid-morning siesta. (Patrick flops onto the outside of his house face first. Snoring. SpongeBob grabs Gary and wipes slime all over his face then does the same as Patrick. He slides down and off the rock)
Gary: Meow.
(Sitting against Patrick's rock. SpongeBob takes deep breath. Takes chunk of sponge from his head and dips it into drink then eats it. Section from his head grows back. Patrick yawns and walks over to SpongeBob)
Patrick: Are you feelin' any better yet?
SpongeBob: (SpongeBob sips from mug) Uh-uh.
Patrick: Come on, SadPants. You know what always picks me up? (Patrick picks up SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: Nope. (SpongeBob lets down his arm spilling drink)
Patrick: Eating lunch with friends!
(At Sandy's house. There is a big banner on her treedome reading "Volunteers wanted, All you can eat!")
Sandy: Okay, let's begin the experiment.(Sandy is holding a clipboard and pen. SpongeBob and Patrick are there along with another fish. Fish eats from bowl. His face swells up and gets big) Okay, next! (Points to Patrick)
Patrick: Oh, boy! Lunch! (Patrick face plants into the food and eats it.) Ahh. (Another starfish body grows on his forehead.)
Forehead Patrick: More! More!
(Patrick feeds the forehead starfish)
Sandy: Very interesting. (Writes down something.) Okay, next. SpongeBob! I almost didn't recognize you! You look awful! What are you doing with these here freeloaders?
SpongeBob: I got fired. Now I'm fun-employed. Woo-hoo.
(SpongeBob almost eats food. Sandy stops him)
Sandy: Whoa there. You do not wanna eat that.
SpongeBob: Why? What is it?
Sandy: Heck if I know. (whispering) This here's a psychological test to see how much weird gunk folks'll eat if it's free. Who's for seconds! (Gets more food from barrel with toxic symbol on it.)
Patrick and Forehead Patrick: Me! Here ya go, little buddy. (Patrick gives it to forehead starfish and it goes down to Patrick's mouth.) Ah. Mmm.
Sandy: SpongeBob, you're a mess. You're fallin' apart. (The side of SpongeBob's head opens up and his brain and eyes fall out) Come on now, SpongeBob, you need to pull yourself together. Get some structure in your life. (Sandy picks them up and puts them back in) What you need is a new job.
SpongeBob: You're right, Sandy. I'm afraid I can't do this anymore, Patrick. Unemployment may be fun for you, but I need to get a job.
Forehead Patrick: Who do you think you're foolin', you loser! You couldn't keep a job if you tried!
Patrick: Hey! You can't talk to my friend like that! (Patrick punches forehead starfish) Don't listen to him, SpongeBob. You need to follow your heart.
SpongeBob: Thanks, Patrick. It's time to rejoin the workforce. Gainful employment, here I come! (SpongeBob cleans up and makes beard go away with a grunt) I'm ready! Woo-hoo! (SpongeBob running down the street and dancing.) I'm ready. I'm ready. For a new job. For a new job. I'm ready. For a new job. I'm ready. (Walks into Weenie Hut)
SpongeBob: Greetings, purveyor of elongated sausage products. I would love to work at your establishment.
Mr. Weenie: (Fish dressed up as a weenie) Well you do look enthusiastic. (SpongeBob gives a big smile) Hmm, alright kid, let's see what you got. (Mr. Weiner brings SpongeBob to kitchen) So, this is the kitchen. (SpongeBob is now wearing a weenie hat. Kitchen isn't in good shape)
SpongeBob: Hmm, this grill is not in very good shape.
Mr. Weiner: Oh, we don't use the grill. We cook everything on the roller. (Mr. Weiner shows SpongeBob the weenie roller. SpongeBob gasps and screams) Good luck, kid.
(SpongeBob picks up a weenie. It flops over. He places it in a bun)
SpongeBob: (Glaring at the hotdog) Hmm, there's something not quite right about this food, but I'm not sure what it is. Ah-ha! (He chops up the hotdog with a spatula)
(Mr. Weiner opens box of weenies like they are cigars. Eats one)
Mr. Weiner: Hey! Where are those weenies!
(SpongeBob slams door open, smashing the weening man against the wall)
SpongeBob: Your weenies, sir. (Holds up a plate. Mr. Weiner inspects the food)
Mr. Weiner: What in the name of Davy Jones's gym shorts are these?
SpongeBob: They're weenie patties!
Mr. Weiner: What are you, some kind of nut!? You've ruined my weenies! (Places it back on the plate and tosses the place away) You're fired!
SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs, why!?
Mr. Weiner: Mr. who?
SpongeBob: I mean Mr. Weiner!
Mr. Weiner: Just go! (Points outside. SpongeBob leaves the Weenie Hut. Walks over to Pizza Piehole)
SpongeBob: Well, that was a setback. Hello Pizza Piehole! (Pizza Pete is making pizza. Tosses dough up and it sticks to ceiling fan) Excuse me, Mr. Pizza Man, you need a fry cook? (Dough lands on Pizza Pete's head)
Pizza Pete: Oh boy, do I. Can you make pizza? (Hands dough to SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: Eh, probably. (SpongeBob kneads and spins dough with no problem)
Pizza Pete: Ah, that's amazing. Congratulations, you're hired. (Shakes SpongeBob's hand)
SpongeBob: Cool. (Puts dough by fire stove. Makes pizza.) Well it's no Krabby Patty, but perhaps I'll find contentment.
Pizza Pete: (wiping off a table) Hey buddy, how's the pizza comin'?
SpongeBob: Almost done! But I did change the recipe a bit.
Pizza Pete: (Chuckles) No problem. A few extra toppings never hurt anyone. (See pizza. SpongeBob gives it to the Pizza Pete with a bun on it) Huh? What have you done! You turned an innocent pizza into a...pizza patty! It's an abomination!
SpongeBob: Yeah! Of deliciousness!
Pizza Pete: You're fired!
SpongeBob: But, who will make the Krabby Patties?
Pizza Pete: Krabby Patties? What do you think this is, the Krusty Krab? (Pizza Pete puts SpongeBob outside)
SpongeBob: Oh, like I need his dumb job anyway. Hope his pepperoni falls off. (SpongeBob walks over to Taco Sombrero) Hey taco man, may I have a job, por favor?
Señor Taco: (Señor Taco in taco costume) Hmm, alright. Let's see what you can do with a burrito.
(SpongeBob walks into kitchen)
SpongeBob: (Walks out with burrito on a bun) How about that?
Señor Taco: Interesting. It's some sort of burrito patty. Hmm. Who'd like to taste it?
Customer: I'll give it a go! (Customer tries it. Bites into it and the burrito sprays out the sides onto the other two fish)
Señor Taco: You're fired!
SpongeBob: But I've given you the best years of my life, Mr. Krabs!
Señor Taco: Get to steppin'.
(Spongebob cries. Runs out. Goes into Wet Noodle. A bunch of noise is heard going on inside.)
Noodleman: You're fired! (Noodleman carries SpongeBob outside and kicks him away. SpongeBob face-plants into the sand) and take you're noodle patty with you! (Throws noodle patty at SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: Oh, I'll take it alright. I'll take it to go! Home. (Sighs) For years I worked at the Krusty Krab. Now I've been fired five times in one day. (SpongeBob walks to his house. Goes inside) Who are you gonna cook for now, SpongeBob?
Gary: Meow-ow-ow.
SpongeBob: Sorry, Gary, you must be starving. (Picks Gary up. Goes to kitchen.) Don't worry Gar-Bear, I'll open up a can of Snailpo for ya. (No food in the cabinet) Oh no, we're all out of Snailpo. We'll just have to make our own. (SpongeBob opens fridge and chops up vegetables. Makes food on stove. Whistling)
SpongeBob: (tastes it) Perfect! (Puts it in a can. Paints a "Snailpo" label, and labels the can. Hammers the top on) One homemade can of Snailpo! (Opens the can back up with a can opener. Puts food in Gary's bowl. Tosses the can in the trash)
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: What's that Gary? It's the best food you've ever had? (Gary eats the food)
Patrick: (Patrick is next to Gary eating the same food) Yeah, this is delicious. Does it have any side effects?
SpongeBob: Only satisfaction. (Sighs) If only my bosses liked my cooking as much as you two do. I mean...three. (Knock on door.) Hello. I could have sworn I heard a knock at the door.(SpongeBob opens the door and two men dressed as weenies cover SpongeBob with a giant bun.) Ahh! (They run away with SpongeBob)
(SpongeBob gets chained up in the kitchen of the Weenie Hut)
SpongeBob: Mr. Weenie?
Mr. Weiner: Congratulations, SpongeBob. You've been promoted.
SpongeBob: But you just fired me.
Mr. Weiner: Ah, that's mustard under the bun, my boy. This important thing is my customers love your little sliders! Now get to work!
SpongeBob: I'm pretty sure this is illegal. What am I gonna do now?
Pizza Pete: Psst. Hey kid. (Pizza Pete is in the corner) You need help outta here?
SpongeBob: Pizza Pete! Yes, please! That wiener has me chained to the grill. And he really seems to be relishing it.
(Pizza Pete walks over to SpongeBob)
Pizza Pete: I have something to free you. (Shows SpongeBob "Pizza sauce")
SpongeBob: Pizza sauce? (Pizza Pete dumps sauce on chains, breaking SpongeBob free) I'm free!
Pizza Pete: Great! Now you can get to my grill.
SpongeBob: What. (Gasps) Parmesan crusted bread stick!(Pizza Pete handcuffs SpongeBob with bread stick and takes him away. Running out the door as the Mr. Weiner sees.)
Mr. Weiner: Hey! Where are you going with my fry cook!?
(SpongeBob yells. The Noodleman grabs SpongeBob from a roof using giant chopsticks)
Noodleman: (Laughs) I'll take one fry cook to go! (Noodleman jumps down from roof. Laughs. Señor Taco opens door sending the Noodleman flying.)
SpongeBob: Oh, thank you, Señor Taco. (Señor Taco grabs SpongeBob with his taco costume) Oh, no, not you too! (Screams)
All Food Men: Get him! (They all meet at a single spot and start fighting)
SpongeBob: Whoa. (SpongeBob is being stretched by the four of them by his limbs)
Noodleman: Let go!
Mr. Weiner: He's mine.
Señor Taco: I was here first.
Pizza Pete: No, I was.
Patty Man: Stop! Unhand that sponge! (Patty man on the roof of a building. Jumps down landing on the Pizza Pete. Punches him away. Then he eats the Señor Taco's costume with his patty costume and the Señor Taco runs away embarrassed with no clothes.)
Noodleman: It's a killer patty! (Noodleman gets thrown down with the noodle box handle. He gets stomped on and the noodles all come out.)
Mr. Weiner: Here. Take him. Just don't hurt me. (Mr. Weiner looks away. Looks back and SpongeBob and the Patty man are gone. Wipes sweat from forehead and walks away toward the street. Gets hit by a bus)
SpongeBob: Krabby Patty! You saved me! (Patty man his holding SpongeBob) Well, here we go again. (Patty man runs with SpongeBob to the Krusty Krab. Customers leaving Krusty Krabs and smoke coming out of the front door)
Krusty Krab Customer #1: Ah, this place is terrible!
Krusty Krab Customer #2: The Krusty Krab has really gone downhill.
(Patty sets SpongeBob down) Restaurant is messy with condiments on the wall)
Krusty Krab Customer #3: (Customer holding burnt patty) How can you serve this slop! I'm never eating here again. (Throws it on the ground and leaves)
Mr. Krabs: (Comes out from the kitchen) Wait! Come back! That was me last customer. (See SpongeBob) SpongeBob? (Picks up SpongeBob) Squidward, you found him!
SpongeBob: (Gasps) Squidward? (Squidward is revealed as the Patty man when he takes off the top of the costume)
Squidward: I'm afraid so. (Squidward takes off the rest of the costume) SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Yes, Squidward.
Squidward: You know I hate you, right.
SpongeBob: (Taking Squidward's hands) Yes. Yes I do.
Squidward: Well, I hate the smell of burning Krabby Patties even more. (Squidward kneels down) Please come back and be the fry cook again!
SpongeBob: Well, if it's okay with you, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, laddie, I shoulda never let you go. The Krusty Krab is fallin' apart without ya. You're rehired, boy.
SpongeBob: Alright! Now my life has purpose again! Let's get this place cleaned up! (SpongeBob jumps up to ceiling beam with rope tied to hat. Does a "victory screech." He swings down, cleaning the restaurant with a mop. Cleans Mr. Krabs and know Mr. Krabs has a tuxedo on. Squidward gets cleaned and is now wearing a pink dress and crown)
Squidward: Hmm, not exactly my color.
(SpongeBob cuts the rope and flies into the kitchen, grabbing a patty off the grill with his spatula. Mr. Krabs and Squidward are outside the kitchen door. SpongeBob opens the door holding a patty)
SpongeBob: The Krusty Krab is back in business!
(Cuts to outside of the Krusty Krab with a long line of customers. Customers are eating inside, along with Señor Taco, Pizza Pete, Mr. Weiner, Noodleman, and the weenie men that kidnapped SpongeBob from his house. SpongeBob is holding tray with drink and Krabby Patty)
Mr. Krabs: Well, SpongeBob, it looks like things are back to normal. And to make up for that extra nickel I was losin', I installed a pay toilet.
Old Man Jenkins: Oh dear, where is that nickel. (Old Man Jenkins is holding it in while trying to get five cents out for the "Pay Toilet". SpongeBob, Squidward, and Mr. Krabs laugh) Huh? Why are you laughing? (Old Man Jenkins is hopping around trying to hold it in)
End