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Séance Schméance

Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: homestuck

(camera pans to the right and focuses on a psychic)
Psychic: As consort to the spirit world, I now commence this séance. Ploobus, plorum, spaghetti, granolum. I now summon the unliving! (the ground shakes, smoke spirals form in the crystal ball as a ghost appears)
Ghost: Why have you disturbed me?
Psychic: Because, you keep forgetting to replace the toilet paper roll! (cuts to empty toilet paper roll) As roommates, we all have to do our part.
Ghost: I know, but it wasn't me this time. It was Gale who left things... unreplenished.
Psychic: Gale?
Gale: Sorry.
Psychic: (screaming)
(zooms out to reveal Squidward watching the séance on television)
Squidward: (laughing) How cheesy. Who would ever be frightened by that?
SpongeBob: (sweating and breathing heavy, sweat drips on Squidward)
Squidward: (wiping sweat off of head) Hey! MoistBob DripPants, you mind?
SpongeBob: Sorry, Squidward. I just never seen a séance before.
Squidward: Well, try to contain yourself. We have a customer.
Old Man: I'll have me a Rusty on Rye please.
Squidward: Charming colloquialism, but let's try something that's actually on the menu.
Old Man: Stop giving me the round around city boy! I want a Rusty on Rye and nothing less!
SpongeBob: Just leave it to me, old rusty one! Prepare for a... What the barnacles is a Rusty on Rye? (pulls out a file cabinet from inside of brain) Let's see... R... r... r... Ramblin Ham, Red Herring, Rib Tickler, Rusty Penguin, Salty Steamer. Huh, guess I don't know how to make Rusty on Rye. (puts file cabinet back) But I can certainly learn! Help me out, sir. Can you clue me in on what was on your beloved Rusty on Rye?
Old Man: Huh? Oh, let's see, um, I think it was on rye bread, it was #9 on the menu, it came with a side of something or other...
Fish 1: Oh come on! Are you gonna order a patty or what, pops?
Fish 2: Let's get it moving here! (fish arguing)
Mr. Krabs: What's the big kurfuffle? Oh, it's you. Only what's on the menu, old-timer!
Old Man Jenkins: This ain't no kinda way to treat a loyal customer! (exists Krusty Krab)
Squidward: (Laughing) Well, that's a first for you. An unsatisfied customer.
SpongeBob: (gasps) No! (runs to Mr. Krabs' office) Mr. Krabs! There was an unsatisfied customer! Why don't we serve the Rusty on Rye anymore?
Mr. Krabs: Because we never did. That sandwich was on the menu of an old restaurant that lay here a long time ago! It was an old ramshackle shack called Rusty's Rib Eye, and the only one who ever knew how to make that sandwich was the owner, Rusty Rickets. However, old Rusty bought the farm 20 years ago.
SpongeBob: Ooh.
Mr. Krabs: Nope. You're not getting that recipe unless you're versed into talking with the unliving.
SpongeBob: I believe I've seen a program on this matter!
Mr. Krabs: (spins away from Spongebob in chair) Err... Scram. This conversation's making me dizzy.
SpongeBob: I may be able to get that recipe after all. I just need to call in a favor. (on the phone with Patrick) Hi Patrick! SpongeBob here... Yeah, the one with square pants. Mm-hmm. Hey, listen, can you meet me after work? I need your help with something... Your best friend SpongeBob SquarePants.
(cuts to Patrick outside of the Krusty Krab)
Mr. Krabs: (Mr. Krabs exits) Good night, kiddo.
SpongeBob: Good night, bossman. Patrick and I will lock up.
Mr. Krabs: Fine. But no eating me inventory.
Patrick: Okay.
Mr. Krabs: Or me furniture.
Patrick: (whining) What? Come on, bossman! If we can't eat anything, why are we here?
SpongeBob: Ah, simple, my five-pointed friend. Tonight, we shall make contact with the unliving! (thunder) By performing... a séance! (thunder)
Patrick: Then can we eat some furniture?
SpongeBob: No.
Patrick: (Patrick screams with more thunder)
(cuts to Patrick lying on the table of the Krusty Krab, Spongebob blows a bubble which lands on Patricks stomach)
SpongeBob: As consort to the spirit world, I now commence this séance! I shall invoke the specter of Rusty Rickets by reading from The Sacred Text. (picks up book and flips through pages) "Distilled vinegar, water, number one mustard seed, salt, tumeric, paprika, natural flavors". I now summon the spirit of Rusty Rickets! Know, too, that I beckon the spirit of Rusty's Rib-Eye!
(the bubble floats through the air and turns green, shows Rusty's Rib Eye)
SpongeBob: (gasps) Rusty's Rib Eye!
Patrick: But where's Rusty?
(spongebob an patrick look through the window, multiple ghost sandwiches fly through the air to form the ghost of Rusty)
Rusty Rickets: (gibberish)
SpongeBob: Rusty Rickets!
Patrick: (breathing heavily) A big ghost?! I thought we were- we were conjuring a rib roast! I'm outta here! (Patrick runs out of the Krusty Krab) I'll get help buddy! Just get me away from this freak!
SpongeBob: (nervous laughter) Uh, he means freak in the nicest possible way. Alright, enough of this hocus-pocus hooey. Time to put in some work! (removes hair net and puts on Krusty Krab hat) Say, uh, Rusty, how about spilling the beans for the old Rusty on Rye recipe?
Rusty: (gibberish)
SpongeBob: Ah, well that was... just gibberish. Hmm.. I got it! How bout you write down the recipe for the classic #9? (puts pencil and paper in Rusty's hand)
Rusty: (speaks gibberish as the pencil and paper go through his hand)
SpongeBob: Oh right, you're a ghost. Hmm... how about you just show me how to make one?
Rusty: (Spongebob and Rusty enter the kitchen)
SpongeBob: Whoa! Gee, Rusty. What a setup you got here. But where's all the sandwich bread, the condiments, the cold cuts?
Rusty: (gibberish, carves a sandwich out of driftwood)
SpongeBob: A rye sandwich carved entirely out of driftwood? Mama mia!
Rusty: (humming, spreads spackle on sandwich, dips in shellac)
SpongeBob: (watching) Spackle... shellac.
Rusty: (gibberish)
SpongeBob: Oh, you want me to try it?
Rusty: (shows sandwich to Spongebob, gibberish)
SpongeBob: Oh, okay. (sniffs) Hmm... smells industrial! (bites) Ugh! Um.. I'm sure it's an acquired taste.
(the smell enters the Krusty Krab, attracts multiple ghosts)
Ghost 1: (sniffs the air) Is that... (sniffs again) Mmm! It is a Rusty on Rye! Gentlemen! Get up here! The classic #9 is back!
(multiple ghosts laugh and follow him into the shack)
SpongeBob: Hey! I didn't summon you guys!
Ghost 2: No, but the scent of an order of a #9 did.
Ghost 1: Even from way down there. (points downward)
(Rusty makes a Rusty on Rye, ghosts cheer)
SpongeBob: Uh oh! It looks like were running low on shellac! I'll go get some more. (exits shack, gets attacked by multiple ghosts) Boy, those guys can sure terrifying.
Ghost 1: (ghosts eating) You know, this little suarae could never of happened without Rusty here. Let's all give a ghastly howl for Rusty Rickets! (ghosts howling)
SpongeBob: (re-enters) Alright guys, I hate to be a party pooper, but it's a little late for all this noise.
Ghost 3: Oh... big face doesn't want us as patrons anymore! How about we make like a tree... and leaf! (laughing, picks up log and shatters window)
SpongeBob: Hey! That is private property! Maybe you guys should leave!
Ghost 1: Oh yeah? (ghost vomits on Spongebob)
SpongeBob: Do I have to call-- (vomit hits Spongebob) Eww.. ectoplasm.
Ghost 1: Enough fooling around! How bout we have a good ol' time like we used to!? (ghosts laugh and begin to destroy the Krusty Krab)
(Patrick walking to the Krusty Krab with Mr. Krabs)
Mr. Krabs: You better have a darn good reason for getting me outta bed! (ghosts continue destroying the Krusty Krab)
Patrick: That good enough for ya? (Spongebob screaming) ]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs! Patrick! Help! (running around the Krusty Krab)
Patrick: Sorry SpongeBob, but this is the part of the story where I run away again only this time I don't know where to run to, so I'm just gonna go circling around the building! (screams, circles the Krusty Krab)
Mr. Krabs: Looks like a certain foolish sponge has been conversing with the unliving! All right you floating nuisances! Time for the bossman to mop up! (picks up mop) (ghost laughing) Batter up! Hi-ya! (hits ghosts back into the portal) Yeah, and go back in which you came! (pops bubble)
SpongeBob: Hi, Mr. Krabs-
Mr. Krabs: Never hold a seance boy-o... without me permission, because ghosts are like relatives. Once you let them in, they never leave!
(cuts to Spongebob making a Rusty on Rye)
SpongeBob: Order up! Here's your #9 sir! (places tray on table)
Old Man: (eating)
SpongeBob: And everything was better!
Patrick: (running around the Krusty Krab, moaning)