Back

Squid Defense

(Opens at the Krusty Krab)
(Squidward walks out from the restroom)
SpongeBob: (Wearing red karate glove) Hiii-ya! (Hits Squidward. Squidward falls down) Squidward! Sorry buddy, didn't see you. Are you okay?
Squiward: (moaning on the ground while holding his leg) What kind of unforeseen yet completely predictable stupidity have you ruined my day with this time?
SpongeBob: Oh, I'm just practicing my karate chops. I'm gonna have an intense karate session with Sandy later. Sandy says you never know what kind of creepy creeper could be creeping creepily around any creepy corner.
Squidward: Paranoid much?
SpongeBob: Ahh! (hits Squidward) Sorry Squidward. I thought you were one of those creepy creepers. You know Squidward, you really should learn how to protect yourself. Maybe you'd like to join us!
Squidward: Well... nope. I have more important things to do.
SpongeBob: Okie dokie, Squidward. Stop on by later if you change your mind about the karate.
Squidward: I won't. (Pushes SpongeBob out of the way. Walks out of Krusty Krab)
(Walking outside downtown at night holding groceries. Walks by a lady sitting at a table drinking something)
(hissing noise)
Squidward: (Squidward stops and looks back) H... hello? (Stranger walking down the alley towards Squidward) Is somebody there? Um, hello? It's considered rude not to answer. Haha, what d'ya got, cotton in your ear holes? (Nervous laughter. Gulps.) Ahh! I gotta get out of here! (Running away. Hits ladder and drops groceries. Gets back up and runs to SpongeBob's house) SpongeBob! (Knocking on the door)
(SpongeBob & Gary laughing while watching TV and eating popcorn)
SpongeBob: Oh wait, I... I don't get it.
Squidward: SpongeBob! SpongeBob! Open up!
SpongeBob: (opens door) Squidward?
Squidward: Hurry, SpongeBob. (runs inside)
SpongeBob: Squidward, what's wrong?
Squidward: You were--riiight.
SpongeBob: I was? About what?
Squidward: About how danger lurks around every corner.
(Gary growls. We see his shadow)
SpongeBob: Um, Squidward, it's just Gary.
(Gary laughs and leaves)
SpongeBob: I shoulda named you "Scary," eh buddy.
(Gary laughs)
Squidward: SpongeBob, this is serious. I was just viciously attacked.
SpongeBob: (gasps) No!
Squidward: You gotta teach me, SpongeBob. Teach me the way--the way of tah-rah-kay. (on his knees)
SpongeBob: Don't you mean kah-rah-tay?
Squidward: Um, sure whatever.
SpongeBob: (Examining Squidward) Hmm... hmm... hmm... yes. You show potential, young student. But with the rubbery arms (holding Squidward's arm) and the doughiness in this area (pointing at Squidward's stomach) we obviously have our work cut out for us.
Squidward: Can't we just get on with this, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Shh-t-t-bka!
Squidward: (Sign) I mean can't we just get on with this, oh great sensei.
SpongeBob: Pay close attention and you will receive the totality of my kah-rah-tay mastery handed down from Sensei Cheeks herself. Now watch--watch and learn. Wi-ya! (hits board and splits himself in half)
Squidward: Uh-huh. What else you got.
SpongeBob: That's it.
Squidward: That's it?! That's the totality of your karate mastery?
SpongeBob: Well, Squidward, I've only been studying a couple of years, but if total karate knowledge is what you seek, then you should visit Sensei Cheeks. Hey I was just gonna say that! I know. (both halves of SpongeBob laugh)
Squidward: Oh, boy. (face palms)
(At Sandy's treedome)
Sandy: I don't know, SpongeBob. With the rubbery arms and the doughiness in this area (pointing at Squidward's stomach), we obviously...
Squidward: All right, already. We've been through this. Are you going to teach me how to get revenge on my attacker or what?
Sandy: Whoa-ho-ho. Karate ain't for revenge. It's a delicate art that helps you protect yourself.
Squidward: Yeah, fine.
Sandy: Great, repeat after me. Hi-yah!
SpongeBob: Hi-yah!
Squidward: Oh, whatever. Hi-yah.
Sandy: I promise to use karate only for protection and not for revenge.
Squidward: I promise to use karate only for protection and not for revenge... or whatever.
Sandy. Ok, then. Let's get started with a little chopping. Like so. Hi-yah! (Breaks board and splits SpongeBob in half)
SpongeBob: Whoa.
Squidward: A board? I wasn't attacked by a piece of wood. I was assaulted by a deranged lunatic.
Sandy: The only way you'll protect yourself is if you know the basics. Now give it a chop. (points at board)
Squidward: (signs) Whatever you say, sensei.
SpongeBob: This is a tough one Squidward. Don't feel bad if you can't do it.
Squidward: I'm sure I can break one little twig. Hi-yah! (Hand slams board and vibrates through him. Board does not break. Squidward vibrates towards the glass wall of the treedome and his body and helmet shatter)
Sandy: Arms up, Squidward. Block! Block! (SpongeBob throwing nuts at Squidward. Squidward not blocking any of them) Block! Block!
Squidward: (grumbles) This is stupid. The only thing this maniac threw at me were his big, meaty fists. (Another acorn hits Squidward. grumbles. Squidward throws it back at SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: Block! (blocks acorn with arm)
Sandy: Now that's how you do it.
Squidward: Dimwit's luck. (Acorn hits Squidward's head. grumbles)
SpongeBob: Come on, Squiddy. Give it the old roundhouse. (SpongeBob punches punching bag that has a "Slug Buddy" label on it)
Squidward: All right. Hi-yah! (Squidward tentacles stick to the punching bag and he gets stuck upside down on it. Yelping. He goes flying off) Aah! This isn't working. My assailant was twice as tall, and his shoulders were 20 times as broad. The furrows of his brow were the size of biceps! (sweating)
Sandy: Hmm... We're going to have to make this more personal for you, Squidward. So as to help you bring our your inner dragon. SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: (wearing black ski mask) Hey, grocery boy! It is me, a big, scary miscreant. Now hand over that sack of groceries before things get ugly.
Squidward: Groceries? You'll have to pull my groceries from my cold, wet tentacles, bucko. Take this! Hi-yah! (Arm stretches like rubber and flies back at his head getting stuck to his helmet) Huh? Think that's going to stop me? You're not getting me without a fight! Hi-yah! (Legs stuck to helmet. Struggling and yelling. He falls) Got you right where I want you. (Screaming and struggling more) Vengeance is mine.
Sandy: Vengeance? Squidward Tentacles, I told you at the beginning that karate ain't for revenge. Sorry Squidward, as of now, I ain't your sensei no more.
Squidward: Sandy, wait! (struggles) I need you to teach-- (struggling still) Oh, this is pointless. I'll never be able to protect myself. I may as well just start handing my groceries to criminals. "Here, please, Mr. Criminal. Take my unprocessed kale cream." (Still on the ground. Grumbling something)
SpongeBob: Sandy, wait. Please. Help him. He just wants to keep his organic blue algae safe.
Sandy: He's going to use my teachings for revenge, SpongeBob.
Squidward: Please, Sandy, I'll do anything!
Sandy: Oh, really? Well, Squidward, a wise sensei once told me one must first know the movements of every day before mastering kah-rah-tay. (Holding up mop)
Squidward: (Mopping Sandy's floor. Clicking vacuum button. Grumbles. Kicks vacuum. Vacuum starts and he vacuums the floor.) Whew. All finished.
Sandy: Wow! This looks great.
SpongeBob: Psst. You missed a spot. (Pointing to ground)
(Squidward grumbles)
Sandy: (Holding red umbrella over herself and SpongeBob while watching Squidward who has three hoses attached to himself, acting as a sprinkler. Sandy turns off water) All right, I reckon the yard is good and watered.
SpongeBob: Psst. You missed a spot. (Pointing to ground)
(Squidward grumbles)
Squidward: (grunting and digging hole with shovel) Whew. (Wipes off sweat and dumps bucket of acorns into hole. Fills in the hole)
Sandy: Atta boy, Squiddy. Be sure to twist that torso. (SpongeBob and Sandy are laying on lawn chairs. Sandy is wearing sunglasses)
SpongeBob: Hey, Sandy. (Stretches arms) I don't remember this being a part of my training.
Sandy: It wasn't, but today is chore day. So I figured why not fry two fish in one skillet.
(Sandy and SpongeBob laugh)
Squidward: That's it. I am outta here! This is a no good waste of my time. (Foot hits bucket of acorns. Holds foot in pain. Acorns go flying.) Doh! (Acorns ricochet off treedome glass) Hey, I'm doing it. (Deflecting all acorns with hands) I'm blocking the acorns.
Sandy: Yee-haw! I told you all you had to do was know the movements of every day to master kah-rah-tay.
Squidward: (laughs) I can't believe I did it!
SpongeBob: Yeah! Yeah! Now try this! (Holding board for Squidward)
Squidward. Okay, okay. Hi-yah! (Breaks board and SpongeBob in half. Laughs cheerfully) I did it! Hi-yah! (Kicks through punching bag) I can protect my groceries now! Hi-yah! (Kicks SpongeBob, smashing him against Sandy's treedome wall. SpongeBob shatters, but still gives a thumbs up to Squidward) I am a karate master. Whoo-hoo-hoo! (Jumping in the air)
Sandy: Well, I wouldn't go that far, but you have proven yourself worthy of the belt of basic competence. (Holds up white belt)
Squidward: (Ignoring belt. Leaves) Yeah, yeah. That's great, thanks. But I have some business to attend to.
(Back downtown at night)
Squidward: (laughs) What's this? Do I find myself on this dark and scary street yet again? We'll just see what happens this time.
Stranger: Hey, you! (Walking down alley)
Squidward: Let me give a taste, a mere morsel of what's in store. (Jumping around) Hi-yah! Hi-yah! Hi-yah. That one was called "washing Sandy's windows." Stay back or you're going to get it. I am warning you.
(Stranger wheezing and walking towards Squidward)
Squidward: Okay, buddy. I warned you. I like to call this one "taking out Sandy's trash." (Kicks trash can at the stranger. It hits him in the head) Hi-yah!
Stranger: What? Ow!
Squidward: (laughs) How do you like them apples? Waah! (Hits crate towards stranger's head)
Stranger: Oh! Ow!
Squidward: Ha, feel my wrath. How's your uncle? (Throws two boards at the stranger)
Stranger: Ow! Ow!
Squidward: And, as my finishing move, I give you "watering Sandy's lawn." (Spins around and kicks dumpster on top of the stranger) Bee-yah! (Rolls out dumpster from on top of the stranger)
Stranger: (groans with lump on his head and broken glasses) Hey, man. Wh-what was that for? I was just trying to give you back your groceries you dropped. (Holding up groceries in bag)
Squidward: Uh, oh. (Takes groceries)
SpongeBob: Sandy, I found him. He's over here. You forgot your belt, silly. (Holding belt in the air. Sees stranger on the ground. Gasps)
Sandy: Gosh, what happened to you?
SpongeBob: This guy's been kah-ray-tay'd.
Sandy: After all I said about never using karate for revenge? (Glaring at Squidward with arms crossed)
SpongeBob: For shame, Squidward. For shame. (Nodding head)
Sandy: Looks like he's not worth of this belt after all. (Picks belt up off the ground) Thanks for dishonoring our trust in you, Squidward. (SpongeBob and Sandy leave)
Squidward: Whatever. I'm still a karate master.
Policeman: Wow, really? You are? (Starts escorting Squidward to police boatmobile)
Squidward: Yes, I am. (Gets in police boatmobile)
Policeman: Hey, watch your head. I'd never guess it.
Squidward: And what is that supposed to mean?
Policeman: Oh, uh, nothing. Just with the rubbery arms, and the doughiness in the midsection--
Squidward: Okay, already, I get it. (Holding up arms and seeing he is handcuffed) What, wait a second. Am I under arrest?
Policeman: You sure are. And you have the right to remain silent... (Squidward screams. Starts boatmobile and police siren) or not silent.
End