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License to Milkshake

Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: CowBob RanchPants

(SpongeBob is flipping Krabby Patties. He is given a note by Squidward.)
SpongeBob: Another order? Okay. Get really Spatchy, time to cook up one more piping hot golden Krabby- wha? Double dipped milkshake? Gee I haven't made one of those in a while.
(He puts ice cream and milk in a blender and turns it on. He serves it on a dish and opens the kitchen door.)
SpongeBob: Order up. (He puts whipped cream on top of it and sets the milkshake on Harold's table.)
One double dip milkshake. (Harold is about to drink it.) Wait! I almost forgot. (He pulls a cherry out.) A cherry on top. There you are sir, a perfect double dipped milkshake. Enjoy.
Harold: Well it looks delightful. (He tries to sip it up, but it's so impossible that his eyeballs get sucked into the straw. He places them back in his head and picks up the hard milkshake by the straw.) This thing's frozen! (Harold bangs the table with it and the table breaks.) Barnacles, how am I suppose to drink this? (He licks the milkshake.) Eugh! (He places it in SpongeBob's hat.) This shake is disgusting. (He punches down the hat on SpongeBob's head.) Why you probably don't even have a license to milkshake.
SpongeBob: A license to milkshake? Well of course I do silly. (He pulls it out and shows Harold.) And it doesn't expire until- (looks at it and gasps) Seven years ago?!
Harold: Your milkshake license expire seven years ago? Outrageous, I demand a refund.
Mr. Krabs: (who pops out of nowhere between of them) Hehe-hey now, let's not say things we might regret later. (He walks Harold outside.) Tell you what, you come back tomorrow and SpongeBob will make you a proper milkshake. (pushes him a bit outside) Heheh. Alright see you tomorrow. (Mr. Krabs throws SpongeBob into his car outside and seat belts him.)
SpongeBob: Where we going Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: I'm taking you back to school.
(Bubbles on the screen transition to a sort of boot camp.)
Fish: Hup two, three four. Hup two, three, four! Hup two, three, four!
(Mr. Krabs pulls up and pushes SpongeBob out the car door.)
Mr. Krabs: There you are boy, the Milkshake Academy. (There's a big building with a milkshake helicopter flying in landing.) You know boy, milkshaking technology and know-how has advanced since you were last a cadet.
SpongeBob: I shall do my best sir.
(The next scene shows a line of cadets including SpongeBob as a trumpet blows.)
Cadet #1: Hey look up in the sea!
(A man on a milkshake plane is playing a trumpet. He dives off it and the cadets and SpongeBob salute him.)
Cadet #1: I don't think he's wearing a parachute.
(The man uses two whipped cream cans to gently land, it gets all over them.)
Man: At ease cadets.
SpongeBob: (licks whipped cream off of face) Mmmm!
Man: Welcome to the Milkshake Academy and I'm your instructor Captain Frosty Mug. Let's not best around the bush here boys. Your mama's not here to wipe the whipped cream from your chinny chin chins. And I'm not here to help you with your bendy straws. My soul purpose is to transform you from mere guppies into cool, cold drafted, chilled to the bone, ice cream blooded licensed milkshake making guppies. But you must prove yourself worthy of this distinction. (He goes up to SpongeBob now.) Do you consider yourself worthy Cadet SquarePants?
SpongeBob: Yes sir, worthy and ready.
Captain Frosty Mug: I see, then this first test will be a breeze. What do you call this? (Pulls out an ice cream scooper.)
SpongeBob: Oh that's easy, it's an ice cream spatula.
(The other cadets laugh at him.)
Captain Frosty Mug: That's enough. This Cadet SquarePants is your scooper, the most vital weapon in the milkshakers' arsenal. It's clear that most of you understand the fundamentals. Now it's time to see what you can do. Cadets, man your milky, milky stations.
(All the cadets but SpongeBob run off and the screen transitions to a room with a bunch of milkshake making machines. SpongeBob walks up to one.)
SpongeBob: A few more bells and whistles then I'm used to but I think I can work with it. (He takes out a scooper and a cup. He puts ice cream in it and places it in the machine, pushing buttons on the way.) Oh dear. (He looks at the other students who clearly know what they're doing. Captain Frosty Mug tries one of their milkshakes.)
Captain Frosty Mug: Fantastic! Nice creamy mouth feel.
(SpongeBob is violently pressing buttons now to make it work. Frosty Mug walks up behind him.)
Captain Frosty Mug: SquarePants seems to be having problems again. Duke, please explain where he has gone wrong.
Duke: Sir yes sir! Sir, he is attempting to use the upper control panel to mix, sir. Every cadet knows these are telemetry functions and that all blending controls are on the lower panel, sir.
SpongeBob: Huh, that's right, how silly of me. (to himself) Mr. Krabs was right milkshaking sure has changed over the years. (He uses the lower panel.)
Captain Frosty Mug: Very good, but how does it taste?
(SB finishes blending and puts whipped cream on the top with a cherry. He hands it to him. The frozen milkshake lands directly in one of Frosty Mug's glasses when he tries to drink it.)
Captain Frosty Mug: Maybe we need to get back to basics.
(Another scene transition.)
Captain Frosty Mug: Listen up Cadet SquarePants if you wanna make a shake you gotta know how it feels to be a shake. Behold, the Shake Simulator. (He points to a machine that looks like a cup.) In you go, now, march! (SpongeBob runs inside.) Hup two, three, four. Hup two, three, four, hup. (He presses a button and a large, machine claw grabs the cup.) To teach this upstart a lesson I'm setting it to obliterate.
(The cadets in the background gasp.)
Duke: But sir no one's ever survived obliterate.
Captain Frosty Mug: Silence! He needs to learn cadet.(The cup is violently shaken as SpongeBob yells.) Now let's see how the boy turned out. (The cup is poured upside down into a glass cup with SpongeBob in it. He looks like a big drink.)
SpongeBob: That was fun can I go again?
(Captain Frosty Mug growls in anger. Another scene transition happens.)
Captain Frosty Mug: Never in my thirty years of milkshake instruction have I had such an unteachable moron. Cadets, do you have any ideas on how to teach Cadet SpongeBob?
Orange Cadet: You'd be better off teaching a hunk of coral, sir.
(The cadets all laugh as SpongeBob tears up.)
SpongeBob: I'll show you! I'll show you all I can make a milkshake. (SpongeBob runs off and the following is a montage. SpongeBob is on a motorcycle and stops. He stares at the sunset intently. Back at the academy, Duke is shooting a cherry at a target. He hits a bullseye and Frosty approves. Now it's SpongeBob's turn but his cherry doesn't hit the target but everywhere else. It eventually hits Frosty's bum and he looks upset at SpongeBob. The next scene shows him making another milkshake, but it becomes a Krabby Patty. Frosty face palms. Next, SpongeBob plays volley ball and cools down splashing with a milkshake on his body. Now Frosty and SpongeBob are in jets. SpongeBob delivers an ice cream scoop to Frosty, but it splatters in the engine. Frosty goes down in a parachute. The last montage scene shows the captain trying out all the cadets' drinks. They all get approved but SpongeBob's who is still frozen when Frosty makes an effort to put a straw into it. After the montage, we see him standing on a podium.)
Captain Frosty Mug: When you came to me just four short hours ago you were nothing but a bunch of soda jerks. But now you stand before me proud, mighty, milkshake makin' machines. It's my great honor to bestow to you your milkshake making licenses. Now come up here and get them. (He gives them out to everyone but SpongeBob.) Well, I'm afraid there are no more milkshake licenses and do you know why?
SpongeBob: Um, the printer ran out of ink?
Captain Frosty Mug: No you simpleton. There aren't any more milkshake licenses because you don't get one. (He points his finger in SpongeBob's face.)
SpongeBob: Why not?
Captain Frosty Mug: Hmm, let's see. Maybe it's got something to do with the fact that you couldn't even get past step number one of making a milkshake. Filling the glass with ice cream.
SpongeBob: No, Captain Frosty Mug I can do it. Let me show you I just know I can. (He works the bottom buttons.)
Captain Frosty Mug: No, here let me show you. (He puts him out of the way and places the cup under the machine.) You're suppose to bring your cup up to the spinny thing. (gulp) The... the spinny thing...
(A time card says twenty years earlier....)
(We see a restaurant in the shape of a milkshake cup and there's a line.)
Customer: Boy I can't wait to have one of your renown shakes Sir Frosty Mug.
Captain Frosty Mug: (who looks a lot younger) You've tried the rest, now prepare for the best. (Some of the ice cream gets in the wires of the machine and causes it to explode chocolate onto everyone. They all freak out.) Noooo!
(Back into present time.)
SpongeBob: What's wrong Captain Frosty Mug?
Captain Frosty Mug: I haven't touched a milkshake machine in twenty years. (He gets his hand stuck in the spinning milkshake.) Dear Neptune's thunder clap, I'm stuck in the blender. Heeeeelp!
SpongeBob: Captain Frosty Mug!
(Almost his entire body is being sucked into it so far.)
Captain Frosty Mug: Oooooh, my arm! Aaaahh!
SpongeBob: Don't worry sir I'm coming. (He grabs onto Frosty.) I got you captain!
Captain Frosty Mug: Save yourself boy, I'm a goner.
SpongeBob: No, I'm not leaving you behind.
(SpongeBob jerks him out and the machine explodes. He carries Frosty out with struggle and drops him on the ground.)
Captain Frosty Mug: Thanks SpongeBob. (coughs) You know nobody's ever treated this old captain with much kindness. And in return I'd like to tell you a little secret. All these years I've been able to make milkshakes without a machine because making milkshakes really comes from within. Does that make sense?
SpongeBob: Not at all.
(We see a new scene at the Krusty Krab as SpongeBob is preparing another milkshake for Harold.)
SpongeBob: One milkshake coming up.
(He mixes and shakes the ice cream inside his body and pours it into a glass. Harold sips it.)
Harold: You've redeemed yourself SpongeBob. This is the best milkshake I've ever had.
(More customers line up to try one and Mr. Krabs walks up.)
Mr. Krabs: Where you've learned those moves SpongeBob?
Captain Frosty Mug: That would be me. (He wheelchairs into the Krusty Krab from the door.) And despite recent events SpongeBob I'd like to give you this. (He hands him a license.)
SpongeBob: Hah! My milkshake license. (sniffs) If only it was this easy to get a boating license. Dahahaha!