Back

Patrick-Man!

(open to SpongeBob getting ready for work. He opens the door, and Patrick runs inside crying)
SpongeBob: What's the matter? You seem so sad.
Patrick: Oh, yeah? Well, you know what's sad? This! (points to SpongeBob's hat)
SpongeBob: My hat is sad?
Patrick: No. You have a special hat, which means you get to go to your special-happy-working place, while I just stay bored all day.
SpongeBob: First thing's first, Patrick. What do you like to do?
Patrick: Uh... sand.
SpongeBob: Oh! I gotta run. I have patties to flip. But, I sure hope you figure your problem out. Think about it. (leaves)
Patrick: "Think about it". Think, Patrick. Think. Hmm... (tries to think. Patrick's forehead blows up like a balloon, and pops) Think is painful. Break time. (sits down and watches TV)
Nicholas: Are you irritable? Listless? Jobless? Have you ever asked yourself, "I'm a loser. What am I doing with my life?" Well, look no futher. I have an answer that's helped millions...
(Patrick changes the channel. A live-action stock footage appears on the TV)
TV Announcer: Be all you can possibly be. Join the Marine Dolphins.
(Patrick changes the channel, again)
Man Ray: (laughs evilly, and gets captured in a large glass dome display) Huh? ("CLANG!" appears) The inescapeable display case! No!
Barnacle Boy: All in a day's work, eh, Mermaid Man?
Mermaid Man: (to viewer) Remember, it's up to you to reveal the true face of crime. Sign up to be part of the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Junior Crime Fighters.
(Patrick turns the TV off)
Patrick: I gotta figure out what I want to do with my life. (steps on a Mermaid Man doll)
Mermaid Man doll: Fight evil!
Patrick: Oh, I wish I was a superhero. I know what I want to do with my life!
(cut to Patrick putting on a superhero custume. Patrick puts his underwear over his pants, and puts on a belt. Patrick gets an ice cream cone from the refrigerator, eats the ice cream, and puts the cone on his head. Grabs a jar of peanut butter, and writes a backwards "P" on his torso)
Patrick: At last, I have found my calling. I am Patrick-Man: Defender of Bikini Bottom! (runs outside)
(cut to the Krusty Krab)
Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward. What's with all the dilly-dallying? We've got customers' money to take!
Squidward: Where?
Mr. Krabs: (gasps) Where is everybody?
Patrick: Fear not. Patrick-Man is here.
Mr. Krabs: Patrick. I knew our #1 customer wouldn't let us down!
Patrick: Shh! (whispering) It's Patrick-Man, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: "Patrick-Man"? What kind of ridiculous name is that?
Squidward: Oh, forget the name. Look at the ridiculous outfit. What is that? A pair of briefs?
(Squidward and Mr. Krabs laugh)
SpongeBob: Oh, blaring employee laughter in the common area? (laughs with Squidward and Mr. Krabs) Hey, Patrick. What's with the fancy duds?
Patrick: (sighs) Must I explain everything? I found out what I want to do with my life. I am... Patrick-Man!
SpongeBob: (gasps) That is so exciting! I can't wait to tell Gary, my parents, my grandma- (Patrick covers his mouth)
Patrick: Shh, SpongeBob! My identity must be kept a secret. My work here is done. Patrick-Man is off. The city needs my help! (runs off. Returns) Oh, I almost forgot. Can I get a Krabby Patty?
(cut to high school)
Student #1: Hey, how did you do on your final?
Student #2: I aced it.
Student #1: Me too. (they both laugh)
(Patrick peeks from behind a corner)
Both: High five! (Patrick gasps, and runs between them. They both hit Patrick)
Student #2: Whoa. You okay, man?
Patrick: Just remember this: violence solves nothing!
Student #2: Violence? But, we were giving high fives-
Patrick: No time for silly talk, citizen. Patrick-Man is needed elsewhere! (runs off)
(cut to town. Mr Krabs and Mabel are at a crosswalk)
Mr. Krabs: Please, ma'am. Allow me.
Mabel: Huh? (uses hands to turn head to Mr. Krabs) Why, thank you, young man.
(the sign changes from "Don't Walk" to "Amble". Mr. Krabs carries Mabel's groceries as they cross)
Mr. Krabs: Not a problem, ma'am. It's the least I can do- (spots a dollar on the street) -Ooh! (the dollar gets blown away) Sorry, lady. You're on your own. (gives the groceries back, and goes after the dollar)
(the sign changes from "Amble" to "Scamper")
Mabel: Oh, dear.
(the sign changes from "Scamper" to "Don't Walk", leaving Mabel caught in the middle of oncoming traffic)
Mabel: Oh, dear.
(the dollar lands on the sidewalk)
Mr. Krabs: Oh, sweet dollar. Oh, just look at you. So créme, so crisp. Now, come to Krabsy. (reaches for the dollar, and gets slapped on the arm by Patrick)
Patrick: Halt! Patrick-Man is on to you, thief! Stealing is bad. Bad!
Mr. Krabs: But, I found that dollar.
Patrick: Enough! This dollar shall stay on the sidewalk where it belongs. With Neptune's swiftness, away! (leaps into the air, and lands. Crawls off)
Mabel: Hey, a dollar! This must be my luck day.
(cut to a dumpster, where Patrick is eating doughnuts. Someone is heard yelling)
Patrick: Sounds like another job for Patrick-Man! I'll finish you off later, day-old doughnuts. Right now, I must move rapidly and heroically! (runs to Boating School) What's this? (Mrs. Puff is trying to open a door to a boat with a student inside. Patrick flings a net on Mrs. Puff)
Mrs. Puff: Huh?
Patrick: Let's see you try to bust out of that, boat thief.
Mrs. Puff: "Boat thief"? Heavens no! My poor student is trapped inside this boat. The doors are jammed!
Patrick: Jammed doors, huh? (writes a note, and attaches it to Mrs. Puff) A likely story. With Neptune's swiftness... (leaps into the air and lands. Crawls off) ...away!
(a police car arrives)
Mrs. Puff: Ah, merciful Neptune. The authorities are here. You'll be out of there in no time.
(both police walk up to Mrs. Puff)
Police: Well, what do we have here? (reads off note) "Cops. This is boat thief". Looks like Patrick-Man caught another one. (they both take of their hats) What would we do without superheroes? (they throw Mrs. Puff in the back of the police car)
Mrs. Puff: But, I didn't do anything!
Police: Grand theft vessel is a felony. You remember what a felony is, don't you, Mrs. Puff?
Mrs. Puff: Felony? (gets mad) Patrick-Man...
(the police car drives off)
Boating School Student: Help?
(cut the the Krusty Krab)
SpongeBob: Order up! Another Krabby Patty for the gentleman.
Customer #1: Thank you. Let's hope Patrick-Man doesn't confiscate this one.
Customer #2: Yeah. He drank my shake, too! He said it was part of an evil plot.
SpongeBob: Sorry, ma'am. I'll get you another one. (goes into the kitchen) Patrick has taken things too far.
Patrick: (crawls inside) Hey, that's Patrick-Man to you.
SpongeBob: What are you doing out here?
Patrick: Something a non-hero civilian would never understand. (picks a spinter off his torso) Ow! I'm about to unmask one of Bikini Bottom's biggest foes, right here in the Krusty Krab. And, I've intercepted his evil schemes.
SpongeBob: You've intercepted a recipe for toasted coral bits. Don't you think you're going a little overboard with this "Patrick-Man" thing?
Patrick: Overboard? You call this overboard? Away with Neptune's swiftness! (leaps in the kitchen window, and gets stuck) Villains and criminals, beware. Patrick-Man is here. (flies out the window)
Mabel: Good gracious. (uses hands to turn head)
Patrick: And, he who always finds out who hids under the mask. (grabs a customer's face, and tries to pull it off)
Customer #3: Hey, man. I'd like to hold to my face, thank you!
Patrick: Oh, right. (walks up to two other customers) Got ya! (tries to pull their faces off)
Customer #4: Ouch! Let's get out of here and never come back.
Mr. Krabs: What?! Alright, that does it!
Patrick: Admit it, masked marauder.
Mr. Krabs: Enough. (picks up Patrick, and carries him away) We've all had our fill of Patrick-Man.
Patrick: But, I was about to unmask a supervillain.
Mr. Krabs: Sure you were.
(Patrick grabs Mabel's head)
Mr. Krabs: What the barnacles are you doing?
Patrick: Protecting Bikini Bottom from a scoundrel!
Mabel: Oh, dear!
SpongeBob: Let her go, Patrick!
Patrick: No way! (Mabel's head comes off, revealed to be a mask. The Dirty Bubble emerges from the clothes, and laughs)
Patrick: Hey, where'd he come from?
SpongeBob: The Dirty Bubble?
Patrick: The Dirty Bubble? I wanted to unmask Man Ray.
Dirty Bubble: Fools, you blew my cover. Now, taste my wrath.
SpongeBob: What now, Patrick?
Patrick: SpongeBob, you are looking at a superhero. So naturally, I will rely on my superpowers, and throw some stuff. (throws a barrel at the Dirty Bubble. It misses, and hits Squidward)
Dirty Bubble: I wouldn't that a total miss.
Patrick: Take this, beast! (throws a table and another barrel. They both miss. The table hits the cashier boat, and the barrel hits the walls. Patrick picks up SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: What? Patrick, no! (gets thrown by Patrick)
Dirty Bubble: (opens mouth, and eats SpongeBob) Yummy sponge.
Mr. Krabs: You'be disabled me employees and trashed me restaurant? Think you might go for the bubble, now?
Patrick: I've got him right where I want him. Face pit punch, evildoer! (raises arm, and his armpit stench morphs into a fist, and flies toward the Dirty Bubble, who opens his mouth. The fist hits SpongeBob in the face)
Dirty Bubble: Let's try that, again. But, this time I attack! (lunges toward Patrick)
Patrick: (spots a Krabby Patty on the floor) Lunch! (bends down to get the Krabby Patty. The Dirty Bubble hits the cone on Patrick's head, and pops. Everyone cheers)
SpongeBob: Way to go! You're a hero. May I have your autograph?
Patrick: Why of course, young man. That's, uh... SpongeBob with two 7's, right?
SpongeBob: What's your next exciting adventure, Patrick-Man?
Patrick: Actually... (takes cone off head) ...it's Patrick to you. (eats cone) I'm retiring. Having a job is too much work.
Mr. Krabs: Not so fast. I need you to use your superpowers one last time. (gives Patrick cleaning materials)
Patrick: What's this?
End