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It's a SpongeBob Christmas!

Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: DadMom AngryPants

(Opens with Patchy driving a mail truck through snowy mountain scenery. He brakes just in time for two rabbits, who drop their acorns and jump away)
Patchy: Merry Christmas, kids! (He gets out) I bet you're wondering why old Patchy has this mail truck. Well, this year I wanted to be absolutely sure Santa got me letter, so I gave Mr Mailman the day off. (He opens the back of the truck, revealing the bound and gagged mailman, and switches his pirate hat for the mail one)
Potty: Do you even know how to get to the North Pole?
Patchy: (Getting back in the driver's seat) Oh, Potty, you silly parrot, everybody knows that the directions to the North Pole are right in the lyrics of the song "Jingle Bells". (He starts the truck, and begins to sing) Dashing through the snow (mumbles the next line), through the fields we go, fa la la la la! OK, so we're looking for some fields, then.
Potty: No, Patchy, the directions to the North Pole are in the song "There Goes Santa Claus". (He sings) There goes Santa Claus, there goes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Drive. Scurvy brain.
Patchy: Yeah, well we ain't turning 'til we see some fields!
Potty: Look out, there's a fork in the road!
Patchy: I don't see no fork.
(Shot of the road, where there is indeed a metal pronged fork. The truck hits the fork and begins to spin out of control)
Patchy: While we wait for the truck to stop spinning, let's see what SpongeBob is up to this Christmas.
(Opening credits)
(Opens with a shot of Patrick, Squidward and SpongeBob's houses, then pans in and cuts to inside SpongeBob's pineapple, where he is just waking up)
SpongeBob: (Singing) Oh, it's drawing very near; my favorite time of year! The snow is falling and the cold wind blows … Christmas is almost here! (He springs from his diving board through the roof of his house and pulls out some Christmas lights) And I know that Santa, Santa, Santa has his jolly little eyes on me! It keeps me warm and filled with glee to know Santa has his eyes on me! (He wraps the lights around his pineapple) I light my house like a Christmas tree, falalalala lalalalalali (he spins the door handle, which turns into a Christmas wreath) 'cause Santa, Santa, Santa has his jolly little (a Santa hat appears on his head) eyes on me! (He walks next door to Squidward's house) Hi, Squidward, what are you doing today?
Squidward: Stringing lights so Santa knows in no uncertain terms to GO AWAY!
SpongeBob: OK. (He continues on to Patrick's house) Santa, Santa, Santa has his jolly little eyes on me! He sees everything I do with his left eye on me and his right eye on you. (He notices Patrick's cardboard box trap which is baited with a Christmas cookie) Oooh, what's that?
Patrick: It's a trap. A trap for Santa!
SpongeBob: Oooh, baited with Christmas treats?
Patrick: (Sings) I will trap Santa in my box, locked up like Fort Knox, and make him stop the clocks. And we'll have Christmas all year long! Hey, a cookie! (He grabs it and is caught in his own trap)
SpongeBob: Oooh, Santa, Santa, Santa has his jolly little eyes on me (he skips again), falalalala lalalali and who is that I see underneath her Christmas tree?
(Cut to Sandy's treedome, where Sandy is working with an invention)
Sandy: (Sings) Oh Christmas, oh Christmas's sweet mystery, I'll mix a dash of Christmas cheer with a candy cane (she does so) and de-construct it's alchemy.
SpongeBob: Merry Christmas, Sandy.
Sandy: Merry Christmas, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: (Skips to the Krusty Krab) Santa, Santa, Santa has his jolly little eyes on me. Hi, Mr Krabs! Are you ready for Christmas?
Mr Krabs: Why, Christmas is my favorite time of the year. After all, 'tis the season of getting.
SpongeBob: Don't you mean the season of giving?
Mr Krabs: Exactly; the more you give, the more I get!
(Cut to the Chum Bucket)
Plankton: (Sings) Oh, Santa, Santa, Santa has his eye on me. He sees everything I've done, every plot, plan and scheme. It's just a bit of fun, Santa has his eye on me. Every naughty deed (holds up a scroll) is written in his scroll, so every Christmas morning (he empties coal from his stocking) I get a stocking full of coal!
Karen: Maybe you would get a real present from Santa if you weren't the biggest jerk in Bikini Bottom.
Plankton: I'm way ahead of you, Karen. There is one element in the known universe that can turn even the nicest sap into the biggest jerk they can be (he sticks a label onto his Periodic Table of Elements), and I, Plankton, have discovered it. (He pulls a lever) Behold! Jerktonium. (A glowing green substance lowers from the ceiling) I'll give everyone in Bikini Bottom a present of the most innocent of all holiday goodies – the fruitcake! And each and every slice will be laced with jerktonium. One ingested, no-one can help becoming the biggest, creepiest, meanest jerk ever and Santa will realise that Sheldon J Plankton isn't so bad after all. And then I'll finally get what I really want for Christmas – the Krabby Patty secret forumula. (A timer dings and Plankton removes the fruitcake from the oven) And now for the main ingredient, jerktonium! (He grates some into the fruitcake) OK, jerktonium, do your stuff. It is complete! (He laughs evilly)
(Cut to outside the Chum Bucket. Plankton is driving a fruitcake dispenser)
Plankton: Hehe. The Jerkmaker 9000 will make doling out tainted fruitcake a breeze. Now, who's gonna be my first victim?
SpongeBob: Hey, Plankton, what you got there? Hey – is that a fruitcake dispenser? You don't suppose I could have a piece, do ya?
Plankton: Sure thing, Fruitcake. Here ya go! (He pulls a lever and a mechanical arm extends with a plate of fruitcake) Hot from the oven and full of lovin'!
SpongeBob: (Picks it up) Oooh, hot hot hot! (He takes a bite) Wow, this is great!
Plankton: So, how do you feel? Kinda cranky?
SpongeBob: No.
Plankton: Sorta surly?
SpongeBob: Nuh-uh.
Plankton: Maybe just a little bit jerky?
SpongeBob: No. I feel just like this cake tastes – absolutely delicious!
Plankton: Hmm … he must have gotten a piece without jerktonium. Here, try some more. (He brings out another piece)
SpongeBob: Don't mind if I do. (He eats it) Mmmm.
Plankton: How's your dander, is it up?
SpongeBob: No. How could I possibly be angry when my taste buds are swimming in Christmas cheer? (He takes another piece; cut to inside of his mouth)
Taste bud: Oh boy, here comes some more! Yaaaay!
Plankton: Grrr! Have some more! (He fires a piece into SpongeBob's mouth) Have a whole loaf! (The arm stuffs a loaf into SpongeBob's mouth) Have a baker's dozen! (He fires many fruitcakes at SpongeBob) Well?
SpongeBob: Well … (He swallows) I think everyone should taste your amazing fruitcake!
Plankton: (Facepalms) You know what? Knock yourself out. (He throws SpongeBob the keys to the dispenser) Stupid hunk of junktonium! My gift to Bikini Bottom, boy oh boy … (He goes back into the Chum Bucket, muttering angrily)
SpongeBob: (Rides the dispenser up to 3 carollers) Hello, fellow revellers! Would you like a Christmas treat?
Bill: Why sure, SpongeBob!
Fish 2: Yeah, who doesn't like treats?
SpongeBob: (Dives into the dispenser and emerges with a plate of fruitcake) Nothing loosens up the old pipes like some fruitcake. Dig in! (They all take a piece)
Fish 2: It's like a present for my mouth!
SpongeBob: I knew you'd like it.
Bill: (Turns into a jerk) Hey, did we come here to sing or eat fancy cake?
Fish 2: Whoa, calm down Bill! What do you want to sing?
Bill: Well, I want to sing the only Christmas song that matters, and that's "Jingle Bells". From the top! A one and a two and a –
Fish 3: (Turns into a jerk) No, hold your holly! We're singing the best Christmas song ever, and that's "Silver Bells"!
Bill: Wrong bells, buddy!
Fish 2: (Turns into a jerk) Hey, I want to sing "Randolph the Red-nosed Seahorse"! (They all continue to argue)
SpongeBob: (Driving away, unaware that they have been poisoned with jerktonium) Great to see people so passionate about the holidays.
Plankton: (Emerges from the Chum Bucket on a unicycle) What's all the racket? What do you know, the jerktonium seems to work on these jerks. Very interesting.
(Cut to a shot of a Christmas parade in town)
SpongeBob: Oh boy, a Christmas parade! The perfect occasion to spread some mouthwatering joy. (He begins to sing and dole out fruitcake to the townspeople) Oh, everyone try some hot fruitcake today. Eat it all up and you will shout "hooray!"
Crowd: Yay!
SpongeBob: Everyone can get behind a mouthful of warm sunshine, everyone eat a Christmas time cliché. (People start turning into jerks; somebody pops a kid's balloon, another person smashes a gift over somebody's head, Pearl squirts water at passers by) Everyone can get behind a mouthful of Christmas time, let's all eat some hot fruitcake today!
Plankton: (Cycling through the rioting town) This just keeps getting better and better.
Santa: (On a float, with a boy on his knee) Ho ho ho! So, little boy, what would you like for Christmas?
Boy: I want a sled and truck and a bike and a train …
SpongeBob: Hi, Santa! Have some fruitcake. (He throws a piece)
Boy: And a water pistol and a helicopter and – and, uh …
Santa: (Turns into a jerk) Well, why don't you get a job and buy all that junk yourself? And while you're at it try brushing your teeth you little -
SpongeBob: Have some fruitcake! (Hands a piece to the float driver)
Driver: Thanks! (Turns into a jerk) That's it, I'm outta here. (He leaves the float and it crashes off the end of a cliff)
Boy: (Bouncing on Santa's belly) Weeee! Oh yeah, and I want a trampoline!
Plankton: Success! Soon all the Bikini Bottomites will be jerks! Now I just need to figure out what to do about old SpongeBoy.
(Cut to Plankton's lab)
Karen: Once again your master plan is fatally flawed. (She brings up a diagram) It seems that SpongeBob's innocent love of the holidays shields his heart from the effects of jerktonium.
SpongeBob Diagram: Dahaha! That tickles.
Plankton: Drat! That square-head's gonna throw my whole naughty to nice curve right off! I guess it's time to introduce Plan B. (He pulls a lever and a robot SpongeBob drops from the ceiling) Hahahahaha! Plan B, meet Karen. Now go, my automated agent of naughtiness, go and destroy SpongeBob's good name! (He laughs evilly but nothing happens) Huh? Oh yeah. (He winds up the robot)
ToyBob: I am ready! I am ready! I am ready! Ready to destroy Christmas! (Flames shoot from his nose; he leaves the Chum Bucket and destroys a car, then heads for the Krusty Krab)
Mr Krabs: What's going on out here? Oh, it's just you, SpongeBob. (ToyBob burns the Krusty Krab sign, which collapses on Mr Krabs)
Plankton: Oh, SpongeBob, you've been a bad, bad toy!
(Cut to Patchy's storyline; the mail truck is still spinning out of control and finally comes to rest; the bound and gagged mailman escapes and jumps away)
Patchy: I can't believe we survived that horrifying car accident without a scratch. (He gets out of the truck and slips on the ice) Ow! (He notices the fork in the tire) Aw, here's the problem. Oh, that's not good. Flat tire, huh? Looks as sad as an empty bag of beef. Brrr! It's cold up here. Why don't you kids at home go make a nice hot cup of cocoa while Potty builds me a fire.
(Cut to black for commercial break, then re-opens on a scene of Potty and Patchy huddled around a fire)
Patchy: (Shivering) Hello, kiddies. It's so cold me eye-patch cracked. (He points to it) There hasn't been any food or water, food or food for over 20 minutes. Boy, I could sure go for some buffalo wings right about now. Sounds good, eh, Potty? (He looks at Potty and sees a plate of buffalo wings in his place) With a side of blue cheese dressing … (He lunges at Potty with a fork)
Potty: Squawk! What are you doing?
Patchy: I'm sorry, Potty, I don't know what got into me. I'm just so hungry!
Potty: It's OK, Patchy, I can't stay mad at you. (He imagines Patchy's head as a birdseed cone and licks his lips/beak)
Patchy: Why are you looking at me like that, bird? (Potty pecks at his head) What are you doing?
(Cut to SpongeBob's storyline; SpongeBob is riding the dispenser through Bikini Bottom and comes across the 3 carollers he first gave fruitcake to)
SpongeBob: Merry Christmas, fellas!
Bill: Ah, go stuff a stocking!
SpongeBob: Gee, that wasn't very nice. (He drives past Mr Krabs, who is mending the Krusty Krab sign) Seasons greetings, Mr Krabs!
Mr Krabs: Well you've got some nerve, SpongeBob! This is coming out of your salary!
SpongeBob: What's that all about? (He drives up to Patrick, who is setting another trap) Hey, Patrick! What're you up to?
Patrick: I think it's pretty obvious, SpongeBob! (He eats a slice of cake) I'm eating fruitcake and setting a tiger trap for Santa! Now, if you don't mind, I'm kind of busy right now.
SpongeBob: Yeesh, OK. Don't have to be a jerk about it. Everybody's on edge today … must be the holiday jitters.
Patrick: Nosy-body. (He falls into his own trap) Yey, it works! Hello, big striped shrimp. (He screams as it attacks him)
(Cut to SpongeBob's neighborhood on Christmas eve)
SpongeBob: (Stepping out of his house) Ah, Christmas Eve! When all of Bikini Bottom is filled with good will.
Johnny: Merry Christmas, Frankie.
Frankie: Merry Christmas to you, too, Johnny. (Throws a snowball in Johnny's face)
SpongeBob: More like bad will! Gosh, if people don't start acting nicer, Santa's going to fly right past Bikini Bottom this Christmas Eve. I'm gonna need some help. (He knocks on Squidward's door) Squidward!
Squidward: (From inside) I'm not home!
SpongeBob: Oh gosh, what do I do now?
Squidward: Why don't you go bother Sandy?
SpongeBob: Good idea, Squidward. I'll have to thank you when you get home. (He leaves, and ToyBob walks up to Squidward's house, pounding on the door)
Squidward: I said I'm not home! (ToyBob wrenches the door off it's hinges) SpongeBob, give me back my door! (ToyBob smashes it over Squidward's head)
(Cut to Sandy's treedome)
SpongeBob: Sandy, Sandy! I need your help! It's Christmas Eve and everyone in Bikini Bottom are acting like jerks! You gotta help me find out why.
Sandy: (Turns around and bares her teeth, scaring SpongeBob) Why should I help all them jerks?
SpongeBob: Because those jerks don't care about Christmas any more, Sandy! It's a problem.
Sandy: Problem? My only problem is I'm out of fruitcake. Only thing I've got left to eat are boring old nuts. (She throws one at SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: Oh, the problem isn't the fruitcake! (He snatches it from her) The problem is that everyone, including you, is acting like a jerk! Oh, I'll have to solve this on my own. (He turns to leave and slips on a nut, accidentally throwing the fruitcake into Sandy's Christmas analyser) Whoa!
Sandy: Dagnabbit, SpongeBob, you got fruitcake in my Christmas magic analyser! (An alarm sounds) Well, I'll be a hornswaggle. My analyser's found something in the fruitcake! (She looks at the reading and gasps) This is terrible!
SpongeBob: What is it, Sandy?
Sandy: The fruitcake is contaminated with jerktonium! No wonder I've been as ornery as a sidewinder on a hot driveway. Jerktonium is the orneriest element of them all and your fruitcake is full of it. Where'd you get that fruitcake, anyway?
SpongeBob: From Plankton, he baked it.
Sandy: You took food from Plankton and fed it to everyone in town?
SpongeBob: Uh huh.
Sandy: You're an idiot.
SpongeBob: Uh huh.
Sandy: No wonder everyone in town is a big old meanie.
SpongeBob: (Jumps up in panic) Oh! I've eaten tons of that fruitcake! I must be the biggest jerk in town!
Sandy: (Pokes him) Hmm … you don't act jerky. For some reason it's not affecting you. (She puts a scanner in front of him) It must be a combination of your tiny brain and pure heart. You're immune to jerktonium, SpongeBob, but the rest of us will need an antidote. I'll set the analyser to calculate the formula … (She pulls a switch and a music score pops out) Why, this formula for the antidote don't make no sense at all!
SpongeBob: Hmm … that's not formula! That's a song! (He hums it, and Sandy becomes her normal self) Sandy, the song is the antidote!
(Cut to down town Bikini Bottom, where people are still rioting)
Fish: Oh yeah? Well your fins are fat!
Fish 2: Says you!
SpongeBob: (Floats down from the sky) Ahoy, everybody! (He clicks his fingers and mistletoe appears over the heads of Fish and Fish 2, curing them of jerktonium poisoning; he clicks again and a pile of presents appears, curing two other fish; a little boy begins to play Christmas baubles like bells; SpongeBob sings) Bring joy to the world, it's the thing to do, but the world does not revolve around you, don't be a jerk, it's Christmas! (Throws a snowball at Mr Krabs and cures him) Be nice to babies and animals, old folks, too (Puts an old person on a seahorse with a baby) 'Cause that's how you'd like them to treat you! Use turn signals, don't screen my calls, don't you wreck the house when you deck the halls. Spit your gum where it won't wind up on my shoe (Steps in gum and trips onto a tube of toothpaste), squeeze toothpaste from the bottom of the tube,don't be a jerk, it's Christmas! (Uses the toothpaste to brush a kid's teeth) It's Christmas! (Hands a gift to Pearl, who continues to pass it down a line, curing people as they receive it, except for Squidward, who is unaffected) Dahaha! When others are talking never interrupt, don't put people down (Flushes Plankton down the toilet and closes the lid) or leave the toilet seat up. It's the time for family and holly and turkey, 'tis the season to be jolly not jerky!
Mr Krabs, Squidward, Patrick and Sandy: Jolly not jerky!
SpongeBob: (Climbing a tower of gifts) Santa brought nearly every gift on your list, why whine about the one that he missed? (Walks off the end and falls onto a giant wreath being held by the other main characters) Don't be a jerk, it's Christmas! It's Christmas! Don't be a jerk, it's Christmas!
(Cut to everybody standing outside the Krusty Krab, chatting happily)
Sandy: Congratulations, SpongeBob, your song worked!
SpongeBob: And not a moment too soon. Santa should be here any minute.
Mr Krabs: You ain't kidding, here he comes now! (They watch as Santa pulls in to land)
SpongeBob: Oh, boy, Santa! You made it!
Santa: Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho! Cool your jets there, son. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad tidings.
SpongeBob: Oh no.
Santa: Oh yes. It seems you're all on my naughty list this year.
SpongeBob: Naughty list?
Santa: No buts about it. You've all been a bunch of jerks.
SpongeBob: But-
Santa: But nothing. Coal for everyone! (Takes out a sack of coal) Except Plankton.
Everybody else: Whaaaat?
Santa: I'm just as surprised as you, but compared to the rest of you he's been a saint. (Plankton's antennae form a halo) Here you go, Sheldon, I believe this is what you asked for. (He hands him a glass bottle with the secret recipe inside)
Mr Krabs: Me secret formula? How did you get that?
Santa: I have my ways. (An elf reaches into Mr Krabs' pocket and takes his wallet)
Pearl: Um, Dad?
Mr Krabs: Huh? (Slaps the elf) Get out of me pocket, you foul goblin!
SpongeBob: But- but- but- but- but- but- (Patrick slaps him) But Santa, you've got it all wrong!
Santa: On the contrary, SpongeBob, you're the worst of all. Why, there you go right now, wreaking havoc! (The crowd parts and reveals ToyBob, who is still rampaging)
Plankton: Uh oh.
ToyBob: (Focuses on SpongeBob, Plankton and Santa) I am ready to destroy Christmas! (He transforms into a bigger robot) Destroy Santa!
SpongeBob: You want Santa, you gotta get through me! (Stands in front of Santa)
ToyBob: Okie dokie. (Karate chops SpongeBob)
Santa: Oh, my.
SpongeBob: Is that all you got? (ToyBob picks him up and flings him far away)
Santa: I'm outta here. (He hides in the Krusty Krab, but ToyBob finds him and picks him up) You do realise this counts as "naughty"?
SpongeBob: (Riding the fruitcake dispenser) You put that jolly elf down, you big tin imposter! (Fires fruitcake at ToyBob) Hot from the oven, full of lovin'! Hurry up, Santa, hop on! (ToyBob explodes)
(Cut to Santa shaking SpongeBob's hand)
Santa: Thanks again for saving my keister.
SpongeBob: Oh, it was nothing.
Santa: You're clearly a very good lad, unlike the owner of that wind-up monstrosity. (An elf hands him the wind-up key) What have you got there? (He reads it) If found, please return to the Chum Bucket. Plankton!
Plankton: Uh oh.
Mr Krabs: Hand it over, Sheldon. Don't make it any worse. (Takes the formula back and flings Plankton at Santa's sleigh)
Santa: OK, boys, let's give Plankton what he deserves. (The elves pour coal onto Plankton)
(Cut to Santa on his sleigh)
Santa: So long, kiddies! (Everybody waves and says goodbye)
SpongeBob: Hey, has anyone seen Patrick?
Patrick: (Hiding on Santa's sleigh) Hehehe! Gotcha! (Catches Santa in a net, sending the sleigh off course)
(Cut to Patchy's storyline; Potty is still pecking Patchy's head)
Patchy: (Notices a sign) Santa's workshop? I'm here, Santa! I'm here!
Potty: I'm not going in there.
Patchy: Santa! (He sits at Santa's feet and pulls out a list) There's only thing I wants for Christmas, and it's to meet me hero, SpongeBob SquarePants. (Santa shakes salt on Patchy, then the illusion breaks and Patchy realises he's in a cave with a bear who wants to eat him; he runs away and is chased by the bear)
Santa: (With Potty) I think stealing a mail truck definitely counts as "naughty," wouldn't you say, Potty?
Potty: I sure would, Santa! (They laugh)
Both: Merry Christmas!