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Demolition Doofus

Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: CowBob RanchPants

(Squidward is hoeing his garden and SpongeBob's alarm goes off.)
Squidward: *sighs* Let the madness begin.
SpongeBob inside his house: It's... driving test day!
(SpongeBob jumps from his roof on his unicycle into Squidward's garden and begins peddling inside it, causing all Squidward's carrots to go into his basket.)
Squidward: SpongeBob! (He looks in his basket to see all the carrots inside.) Thanks?
SpongeBob: Don't wish me luck Squidward I don't need it.
(SpongeBob unicycles into downtown and on a ramp. While in the air, he puts his unicycle in a briefcase and lands in the driving seat next to Mrs. Puff.)
SpongeBob: What do you think Mrs. Puff? Let's get this party started.(SpongeBob is parallel parked and hits the cars in front of and behind him multiple times. This causes Mrs. Puff to inflate.) I'm sorry Mrs. Puff I know what I did wrong. (He hits the cars again and makes her inflate even more.) Don't worry Mrs. Puff I got it this time.
Mrs. Puff: No SpongeBob, not again. (SpongeBob hits it again. This causes Mrs. Puff to inflate like a balloon and the boat mobile to fly in the air.) Oh no we're airborne.
SpongeBob: It's a good thing too. One more crash and you would have popped for sure. Here let me take that wheel.
Mrs. Puff: No SpongeBob. Don't touch it at- ooooh dear.
(They crash into a lighthouse. The next scene has Mrs. Puff wake up in the hospital. SpongeBob and Dr. Gill Gilliam are standing in front of her bed.)
SpongeBob: Hey Mrs. Puff. How are you feeling?
Mrs. Puff: Oh my, what happened to me?
Dr. Gill Gilliam: I'm afraid you had a serious accident. It seems when you crashed you ruptured your inflatable sack.
Mrs. Puff: Oh no. Will I ever be my old self again?
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Uh no my dear I'm afraid you'll never puff again.
(Mrs. Puff gasps in horror.)
SpongeBob: Hm, from now on I guess we'll have to call you 'Mrs. Pop'. Dahaha.
(Mrs. Puff growls and attacks SpongeBob. She has him pinned on the ground and is strangling his nose.)
SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff what are you doing?
Mrs. Puff: This is all your fault.
SpongeBob: I'm sorry. Ow. Dahaha that tickles.
Mrs. Puff: Why can't you just graduate out of my life? Oops. Oooh. Ooooh. (Dr. Gill Gilliam puts a shot in Mrs. Puff so she passes out.)
Dr. Gill Gilliam: There that should help her relax.
SpongeBob: Sheesh I don't know what she's so upset about. I think that she looks better this way. As I always say- (The doctor puts a shot in him too.)
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Yes, everyone needs to relax.
(The scene transitions to SpongeBob down the hospital hallways with some flowers. He knocks on a door and goes into Mrs. Puff's room.)
SpongeBob: Hello Mrs. Puff are we feeling any better?
(She scowls at him.)
SpongeBob: I see you got the flowers I sent.
Mrs. Puff: Yes I'm allergic to them.... and you.
SpongeBob: Oh this room is so dark and depressing. You need sunlight.
(He opens up the blinds and this causes her to sneeze.)
Mrs. Puff: Achoo! Ouch.
SpongeBob: Come on Mrs. Puff you need to get out of this stuffy old room.
Mrs. Puff: I am not leaving this bed. (SpongeBob lifts a side of the bed and she slides into a wheel chair.) Ahh!
SpongeBob: Up and Adam! You know what will make you feel better Mrs. Puff? A nice, peaceful stroll. (He begins whistling as an alarm goes off in the hospital. A bunch of employees are wheeling in patients.)
Worker: Clear the way! Injured coming through.
SpongeBob: Excuse me doctor, what's up with those it's?
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Oh it's nothing serious. Just the casualties from this week's Demolition Derby. Come and check out the carnage. It's actually quite entertaining. (They go to a window where men in wheelchairs are crashing into each other.) Pretty gruesome huh? You gotta hand it to those guys. Risking their lifes for our amusement.
Mrs. Puff in her head: Risking their lifes for our amusement? (She imagines SpongeBob in a demolition derby getting smashed and sent to his grave. She speaks out loud now.) I could finally be rid of SpongeBob. Forever! Ahaha! And I mean that in the worst possible way. Hahahaha!
SpongeBob: What's so funny?
Mrs. Puff: I just thought of a way where you can earn some extra credit.
SpongeBob: Hooray!
Mrs. Puff: Yes. Hooray indeed.
(The next scene transitions to a demolition derby arena and outside an office inside it. We can hear laughter from inside. Mrs. Puff, SpongeBob and a man step out of the office.)
Mrs. Puff: So what do you say Captain Lutefisk will you enter him in the derby for old times' sake?
Captain Lutefisk: Puff old girl, I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for your driving school. But I don't know. He looks kinda soft. (He touches SpongeBob's head and it squishes down.)
Mrs. Puff: Looks can be deceiving. Observe. Here SpongeBob hold this. (She gives him a driving wheel and SpongeBob he crashes into something off screen.)
Captain Lutefisk: Woah ho ho! That kid's a natural. But he's gonna need a scary identity. Derby's all about image. (Captain Lutefisk takes one of his socks, cuts a face hole into it and puts it over SpongeBob's head as a mask.)
SpongeBob: Look out extra credit, here I come.
Mrs. Puff laughing evilly: Yes extra credit. That's it.
(The next scene shows an excited crowd sitting in the demolition derby arena.)
Captain Lutefisk: Welcome to the Bikini Bottom Demolition Derby. Allow me to introduce out contestants. First off, a vain to crossing guards everywhere The Crutcher. And from the darkest depths of the briny blue Diving Bell Dan. And of course, you all know and admire, Blowtorch! (He blows fire from his mouth.) And the funniest driver of them all, The Cackling Cruiser.
The Cackling Cruiser: Ahahaha!
Captain Lutefisk: And now with introductions out of the way- (He stops and notices SpongeBob pulling up.) Oh I almost forgot. Haha, The Squish.
The Cruncher: Hey that Squish looks pretty tough. Maybe we should give up now. (The Cruncher and Blowtorch laugh along with the audience including Mrs. Puff.)
Captain Lutefisk: Okay drivers. Start your engines and let the destruction begin. (They all leave SpongeBob in the dust and The Cruncher comes back to attack SpongeBob.)
Mrs. Puff: I can't look. Wait yes I can.
SpongeBob: Aaaah! (The Cruncher stretches out into SpongeBob's yelling mouth.)
The Cruncher: What the hey? (The Cruncher crashes into a wall and the audience applauses.)
Mrs. Puff: What? This is not going well.
SpongeBob: Huh? (He notices Diver Bell Dan coming his way.) Oh dear I think I'm in that fellow's way. (He turns the ignition key.) Engage turn signals, adjust mirrors, hands at ten and two and finally floor it. Haha!
(The sand from SpongeBob's wheels get on Diver's face and makes him swerve. The Cruncher comes out of the hole in the wall he made earlier.)
The Cruncher: Oh what happened? (He sees Diver Bell Dan smash into him.)
Mrs. Puff: What is wrong with you guys? Squash The Squish. (Blowtorch smashes into SpongeBob's car, causing SpongeBob to fly in the air with his boat mobile.) Yes!
Blowtorch: Hahaha!
(SpongeBob goes above the water and lands on Blowtorch's face. SpongeBob floors it and drives off.)
Announcer: Woah The Squish turns it around with a rare trade face maneuver.
(Mrs. Puff starts to cry. All the other contestants make a circle around SpongeBob.)
SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff what should I-
Mrs. Puff: Why are you still alive?
SpongeBob: Put it in drive? Thanks Mrs. Puff you're the best. (The Cackling Cruiser hits his car, causing SB to bounce into the wall and back at the Cruiser. This sends the Cruiser into a wall. The Cruncher pays attention to SpongeBob's flying car and doesn't see the Cruiser's broken down boat mobile in front of him. The three drivers left come towards SpongeBob as he breaks. That leaves their cars still driving and they crash into one another.)
Mrs. Puff: Curse you SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: What's that Mrs. Puff?
Blowtorch: Hahaha. I got you this time. (But he misses and crashes. SpongeBob's car flies again the air with all the others.)
Mrs. Puff: This is it. Yes! Huh?
(SpongeBob is on top of the boat mobile crash heap unharmed. The audience cheers).
Mrs. Puff: If you want somebody demolished, I guess you have to demolish them yourself. (She walks off the stadium. Seconds later the audience hears a sound and sees a
monster truck with Mrs. Puff.)

Mrs. Puff: Not so fast. There's one more challenger. I'm The Huff.
(She slams into the wrecked boat mobiles and the audience. Mrs. Puff pushes SpongeBob's boat out of the stadium along with some audience members.)
Mrs. Puff: You're blocking my view.
(She windshield wipes them off including SpongeBob. He keeps driving as Mrs. Puff laughs. They drive all the way to her boating school and she wrecks her driving coarse.)
SpongeBob: Aaaah!
(She laughs again but crashes into her classroom with SpongeBob. She inflates up.)
SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff it's you and you're all puffy again. Now everything's back to normal.
(The classroom comes down and they're in the rubble.)
Mrs. Puff: Yes, perfectly normal.