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Mermaid Man Begins

Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: DadMom AngryPants

(Zoom in on SpongeBob's pineapple. The wind is blowing fiercely. Inside, SpongeBob and Patrick are watching TV.)
Announcer: Salutations, heroic devotees! I hope you're securely seated and sufficiently hydrated because coming up next it's the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy marathon!
SpongeBob: (Unravelling a list) We've got to make sure we have the necessary supplies for this marathon.
Patrick: Let's do this!
SpongeBob: OK, how are we on snacks?
Patrick: Uh, hm. I don't know. We might be able to pull through. (Zoom out to show a huge pile of snacks) The first hour.
SpongeBob: Check. Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy action figures? (Squeezes until they pop out of his pores) Check. Drapes?
Patrick: (From behind drapes) Check.
SpongeBob: Lampshade?
Patrick: (With lampshade on head; pulls cord and it lights up) Check.
SpongeBob: Thermometer. (Spits it out) Check. Ukulele, throw pillows, screen-saver, incense, snail cosy, headgear!
Patrick: (With headgear on) Check.
SpongeBob: (Watch beeps) Aaaand …
Mermaid Man watch: It's time, it's time, it's time to fight evil!
SpongeBob: It's time, Patrick! I hope we can make do with the few provisions we have. (They slide on their knees in front of the TV)
(On TV, the Dirty Bubble terrorizes people in the street)
Announcer: For 60 some odd years, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy have quadruple-handedly kept the sea crime free, and in celebration of such longevity we're kicking off this weekend-long hero-fest with the never before aired Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy origin special! (SpongeBob and Patrick split their faces with excitement) And now, without further fanfare, the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy origin spec- (TV cuts out)
SpongeBob: No. (Lights go out) No! (The pineapple gets swept away in the storm and SpongeBob and Patrick cling to each other) This is terrible! How will we see the origin special now? (The TV smashes into Squidward's house)
SpongeBob: Squidward, Squidward! (They pound on his door) We're missing the Mermaid Man marathon!
Squidward: Go away! I've got better things to do than watch grown men prance around in ridiculous outfits. (His TV is showing ballet, then cuts out as well) What? Oh, circuit must have blown a gas- (Opens the front door and SpongeBob and Patrick blow in)
SpongeBob: Hey, thanks for letting us in, Squidward.
Patrick: Yeah, we owe you one.
(Squidward's house blows away)
Patrick: What now, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: I don't know, Patrick. All the TVs in Bikini Bottom are knocked out. We have to find a secure place, some place that can survive this whirlwind. (Gets an idea) Hey, that's it! If we want to see Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's origin, we'll just go to the source! Follow me, Patrick.
Patrick: Thanks for nothing, Squidward.
Squidward: So sorry to have put such a wrinkle in your plans! (Storm blows him away)
(SpongeBob and Patrick arrive at the Mermalair)
SpongeBob: We made it! Patrick, get up! We have found the Mermalair! (They start to walk inside but the welcome mat is a booby trap. They fall down a long tunnel into a net.)
SpongeBob and Patrick: Again!
Barnacle Boy: Oh, boy.
(Cut to Mermaid Man dragging the net. SpongeBob and Patrick laugh.)
SpongeBob and Patrick: Again!
Barnacle Boy: Do you mind telling us what you're doing here?
Patrick: We want to watch your TV!
Barnacle Boy: I hate to break it to you, kids, but you'll have to go somewhere else; our power got knocked out in the storm.
Patrick: But – but – now how will we ever learn about their secret jorinin?
SpongeBob: Hang on a minute, Patrick, we've got Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy standing right over here.
Patrick: Yeah, so?
SpongeBob: So, if we want to hear their origin, why don't we just ask them?
Patrick: Oh! You're, like, a brain professor!
SpongeBob: Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy, we want to know how this all started.
Mermaid Man: You want to go back to the start of it all, eh? Well, you see, in the beginning it was all dark, and then all of a sudden an event called the Big Splash formed the seas and-
Barnacle Boy: Not the beginning of time, mermaid brain, they want to know how we became a crime fighting duo.
Mermaid Man: Oh. Right. Hmm. (SpongeBob and Patrick sit down) Well, it all started when I was just a young, handsome, muscular lad. (Cut to a flashback of young Mermaid Man surfing and eating a sandwich) When suddenly I noticed that my washing machine had stopped! (Young Mermaid Man takes clothes out of the washing machine)
Barnacle Boy: What are you talking about?
Mermaid Man: Huh?
Barnacle Boy: You're supposed to be telling the story of how we became superheroes!
Mermaid Man: (Face-palms) The story! Yes. I was a young, handsome, muscular lad, soaking up the sun's rays on the beach. (Flashback of Mermaid Man on the beach) When suddenly I became drowsy. (Young Mermaid Man falls asleep) A wave came ashore and drew me back into the ocean! Help, help! Suddenly, I realized I was being sucked under by a violent whirlpool! I was running out of oxygen fast! But before I drowned I was rescued by mermaids. They took me to the ocean floor, where they gave me a magic sea star that allowed me to breathe underwater. (Young Mermaid Man takes a breath, then falls asleep)
(Cut back to the present, where the current Mermaid Man has fallen asleep)
Barnacle Boy: Wake up, you old coot!
Mermaid Man: Huh?
Barnacle Boy: Finish the story!
SpongeBob: Yeah, Mermaid Man, what about Barnacle Boy?
Patrick: Yeah, how'd you two meet?
Mermaid Man: Oh, sorry boys. There I was in the ocean, the only human who could breathe underwater. Alas, such a life got lonely real fast. I had no other humans to talk to. What was a man to do? Then my question was answered! (Young Mermaid Man looks up to the surface, where Barnacle Boy is scraping barnacles from a boat's hull)
Captain: Hey, Barnacle Boy, make sure you scrape the barnacles underneath, too!
Young Barnacle Boy: Aye aye. (Takes a deep breath and holds it before going underwater)
Young Mermaid Man: A boy in trouble! I've got to act fast or he'll drown! Fear not, young man, I'll take care of this. I used my new telekinetic powers to draw barnacles into Barnacle Boy's body, were they took the place of his lungs so he could breathe underwater, too. (Barnacle Boy breathes) It was at that moment we decided to team up. (End flashback)
SpongeBob: Oh, so that's how you guys got together!
Barnacle Boy: No, no, no. The reason I teamed up with this joker is because I was stuck breathing underwater for the rest of my life!
Mermaid Man: Oh. Yeah.
Barnacle Boy: Anyway, from that day forward we became … (Flashback)
Announcer: Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, superhero crime fighters!
(An alarm rings at the bank)
Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy: A crime in progress!
Bank clerk: Stop, thief!
Barnacle Boy: See if you think this is funny, evil-doer! (Spits barnacles at the thief, causing him to fall over) Who's laughing now, thieving scum?
Bank clerk: Thank you, sir. And to whom do I owe this debt of gratitude?
Mermaid Man: You can thank me, Mermaid Man.
(Cut to Barnacle Boy, cornered by Man Ray)
Man Ray: You're mine! (Laughs evilly, until Barnacle Boy shoots him with a tentacle zapper)
Barnacle Boy: How'd you like to taste my tentacle zapper, Man Ray?
Mermaid Man: (Using a payphone) Hello? So, what are you wearing? Oh. In that case, can I get a large pepperoni pizza, extra cheese? Thanks.
(Barnacle Boy face-palms. End flashback.)
Mermaid Man: That didn't happen!
Barnacle Boy: Oh yes it did!
Mermaid Man: Oh no it didn't!
Barnacle Boy: Oh, like you remember, you don't even remember you live-
(The giant TV screen turns on)
Announcer: And now, without any further delays, the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy origin episode!
SpongeBob: Oh, this is it!
Announcer: The story of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy all started here.
Tim: Come on, Ernie, the movie's about to start. Where's the popcorn?
Ernie: It's in the microwave, Tim.
Announcer: At that very moment in the apartment directly above, a rogue scientist doing tests on radioactive ants knocks over a jar of his infected specimens, one of which, without any hesitation, crawls down one floor an miraculously lands undetected. It viciously bites our soon to be superhero. He screams in pain!
Ernie: Aaaaah!
Announcer: Stumbling backwards.
Tim: What on earth are- (Ernie falls onto Tim)
Announcer: In a split second both men find themselves in a free fall that sends them squarely through the roof of the Vats of Acid factory and into vat of acid that is tipped over by an errant alien spaceship, carrying the two blindly on a wave of acid during a solar eclipse on a leap year, precariously careening into a bomb testing site, where a cataclysmic explosion exposes our heroes-in-waiting to highly toxic radium gases. Then, as fate would have it, magical storm clouds move in, zapping both men with a neon-clad lightning bolt and raining radioactive ooze, which through centrifugal force and electromagnetic turbulence causes a powerful earthquake deep in the jungle 2000 miles away, consequently unearthing a magical crystal with wings that flies to Ernie and Tim's exact location and, powered by super gamma energy currents, pilots them to open skies until, not paying attention, the crystal clips the top of a billboard, flinging the two back to their apartment, miraculously unharmed. When …
(Microwave beeps)
Ernie: Hey, the popcorn's ready!
Announcer: They proceed with movie night and eat slightly overcooked popcorn.
Tim: Hmm. I think you overcooked this a little.
Announcer: Suddenly, an amazing reaction to the overcooked popcorn hits them with a jolt of cosmic super energy, metamorphosizing Ernie into an incredibly strong sea-star-wearing superhero and Tim into a slightly less strong but also super sailor-looking guy.
Barnacle Boy: I have the sudden and incredible urge to breathe water instead of air.
Mermaid Man: As do I. (They jump into the sea)
Announcer: And that is how they became the superheroes we have come to know as Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, defenders of the deep! (Show ends)
Barnacle Boy: Ah, feels just like yesterday, doesn't it, Mermaid Man?
Mermaid Man: No, not really.
Barnacle Boy: So, uh, what do you boys think? Boys?
SpongeBob: (In the kitchen, cooking popcorn) OK, Patrick, the overcooked popcorn will be ready in 12 minutes!
Patrick: This is going to be so super awesome!
SpongeBob: So superhero awesome!
Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy: No, stop!
Mermaid Man: You're not superhero material!
Barnacle Boy: Look at those shoes, you can't-
(Pan out of the Mermalair)