Back

New Fish in Town

(Squidward is sitting a table in his house)
Squidward: It's finally complete, after weeks and weeks of burning the candle at both ends, literally... (a double-sided, candle is being burnt) my first clarinet concerto is complete and ready to be performed. (a massive rumble makes Squidward fall and the papers he tossed get burnt by the double-sided candle) No! (a massive rumble happens again) Now, I'm flummoxed. (Squidward opens his front door and peeks out. He hits his head four times after each rumble then growls. SpongeBob and Patrick are hammering down a sign "For Rent" sign in front of Patrick's rock)
SpongeBob: Hit it one more time, Patrick. Don't want anyone stealing it. (Patrick hammers the sign into the ground again. It falls into several pieces) Perfect.
Squidward: Alright, what's going on out here? I can't even hear myself think.
Patrick: (raises his hand) Oh! Oh! Can you smell yourself think?
Squidward: No. As I was saying, you two-- (Patrick interrupts)
Patrick: Or see?
Squidward: No!
Patrick: Oh! How-- how about taste? Can you taste yourself think?
Squidward: Shut it! What are you two dingbats doing?
SpongeBob: We were just posting Patrick's new "For Rent" sign. We worked on it all morning. See?
Squidward: "For rent?" You mean one of you is moving out?
SpongeBob: (laughs) No. Patrick here is just gonna rent out his front yard.
Patrick: Need a little extra cash, if you know what I mean. (cash register bell dings)
Squidward: Wow, to think this day started off so horribly and now-- What do you mean you're just gonna rent out your front yard?
Patrick: First come, first served.
Squidward: Oh great, Now another idiot can move in.
SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward, that reminds me, Patrick and I are off to Jellyfish Fields for the day. We were wondering if maybe you can stick around and keep an eye out for any takers.
Squidward: Oh, I would love to. Just let me check my planner. (takes out his planner and looks in it)
SpongeBob: Oh, thanks!
Squidward: Oh, no, I'm sorry, I can't.
SpongeBob: Oh, why not?
Squidward: It's because I was planning to do no such thing. See?
SpongeBob: Okay, well, thanks anyway.
Patrick: Yeah, thanks. (cut to later in Squidward's house)
Squidward: With those two bone brains gone for the day, at least now I can finally get some peace and-- (everything shakes again) ...quiet. (walks outside) Now what are those two boobs up to? I thought you were gonna-- Huh? (SpongeBob and Patrick aren't there) Well, if they're not here, then I wonder who could've been making all of that--
Howard: Hello. My name is Howard.
Squidward: Hello, Howard.
Howard: I noticed this "For Rent" sign. Is this yard still for rent?
Squidward: Sorry, you're too late.
Howard: Hmmm. Howard is disappointed.
Squidward: Yeah, well, aren't we all?
Howard: This looked like a wonderful place to pursue my passions.
Squidward: (peeks out his front door) Passions?
Howard: Painting.
Squidward: Painting?
Howard: Playing the bassoon.
Squidward: The bassoon?
Howard: And enjoying a glass of tea in my front yard.
Squidward: Enjoying a glass of... (speaks gibberish) ...in your front yard? I can hardly believe what I am hearing. Finally, a neighbor with some culture. Oh, I can only imagine... painting portraits while sipping tea... recumbent bicycling to a museum... performing a concerto together at the Bikini Bottom philharmonic! (sighs again)
Howard: (in boatmobile) Farewell. I should have known all this was too good to be true.
Squidward: (jumps onto Howard's windshield) Wait! Don't go. (breathing heavily) I-I was just kidding.
Howard: Okay, well, in that case, I guess I'll move in right away.
Squidward: Wonderful.
Howard: (invites Squidward into his home) Make yourself at home.
Squidward: Oh, my. His design sense is impeccable! Oh, oh, oh, I do feel right at home.
Howard: Okeydoke then. I would like to propose a toast to my new neighbor.
Squidward: New neighbor. (both drink tea)
Howard: While we're on the topic... what are the other neighbors like who live around here?
Squidward: Uh, other neighbors? Oh, they're just like any other neighbors, I suppose.
Howard: Well, that's perfect. I'm the type of person that likes all kinds of neighbors...
Squidward: That is perfect.
Howard: Well, as long they aren't jellyfishers. (Squidward chokes on his tea) I can't stand living near anybody who jellyfishes. But, luckily, they're not the worst kind of neighbor.
Squidward: (chuckles) Yes, that-- that is lucky.
Howard: That would be the bubble blowers. (Squidward spits out his tea) Between the jellyfishers and bubble blowers, I just couldn't stand to stay in my old neighborhood anymore.
Squidward: Well, rest assured, Howard... You-- you'll never even notice the neighbors around here.
Howard: Well, that's a relief.
Squidward: Yes, uh, isn't it? (SpongeBob and Patrick are back from jellyfishing and see the trailer in front of Patrick's rock. Squidward looks out the window)
Patrick: SpongeBob, look! There's a mobile home parked right in my front house!
SpongeBob: Patrick, do you know what that means?
Patrick: (gasps) I'm a landlord. (laughs)
SpongeBob: All hail the landlord.
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Yes?
Patrick: Why don't we go knock on the door and meet the new neighbor?
SpongeBob: Great idea.
Squidward: Oh, no.
Howard: What's going on? Is somebody there?
Squidward: No. No. There's nobody at all for miles around.
Howard: Well, are you sure? I thought I heard voices.
Squidward: Nope, there weren't any voices.
Howard: Perhaps it's just the other neighbors coming to meet me. We'd better open it up and have a look.
Squidward: I can't let you do that!
Howard: Well, of course you can. They're your neighbors, too.
Squidward: No, you really don't wanna go out there! Trust me. (jerks on Howard's arm harder and harder)
Howard: You're hurting my arm.
Squidward: (lets go) Oh, I'm sorry, Howard. I was just hoping you and I could, um...
Howard: Could what?
Squidward: Could, um, uh, take advantage of this peace and quiet and-- and perform a little duet together, just the two of us, with each other. You know, you on bassoon, me on clarinet.
Howard: Why, that's a splendid idea! I'll get some sheet music.
Squidward: Wonderful. (Squidward is peeking through the curtain. SpongeBob and Patrick turn around. When they do, Squidward closes the curtain)
Patrick: Did you see the way those curtains jerked shut?
SpongeBob: Yeah, our new neighbor must be really shy.
Patrick: Well, maybe we should just come back and meet him later.
Squidward: Phew! That was close.
SpongeBob: Good idea, Patrick, coming back later.
Patrick: Thanks.
SpongeBob: Besides, we have more pressing matters to attend to.
Patrick: Like what?
SpongeBob: Like this new jellyfish we befriended... and this brand-new bottle of bubbles! (they laugh)
Howard: Let's begin. (Squidward and Howard start playing their instruments)
Squidward: (thinking) Squiddy, this is absolutely the best day of your life. (SpongeBob and Patrick laugh and it messes up the instrument playing)
Howard: Perplexing. I could've sworn I just had this thing tuned.
Squidward: It's me. It's me. I-I think this reed needs replacing. Yeah. I'll be right back. (hammers, saws, and builds a fence around Howard's mobile home) Oh, should be all better now.
Howard: Shall we continue?
Squidward: Why, of course.
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, look. Our new neighbor must be even shier than we thought.
SpongeBob: Yeah. (a bubble pops on him and a jellyfish stings Patrick on the butt. They both laugh. Squidward and Howard stop playing)
Howard: There it is, again.
Squidward: Excuse me one more time. (builds concrete box around the fence to keep out the noise but SpongeBob and Patrick's laughter can still be heard) Just a sec. (Squidward rushes out and puts zippers on SpongeBob's and Patrick's mouths) Now... where were we? (SpongeBob and Patrick's laugh can be heard. Squidward rushes out and bulldozes the rock and pineapple houses over a cliff. SpongeBob and Patrick jump over the cliff) I'm back.
Howard: What is going on? Are you hiding something?
Squidward: Uh, Howard, I-I would never hide anything from you.
Howard: Stand aside. (SpongeBob and Patrick are blowing bubbles and getting stung by a jellyfish and laughing) Repulsive. Somebody's got to stop these pesky bubble-blowing jellyfishers!
Squidward: Wait! Please, Howard, don't go! You're the only ray of sunshine I've had here in years.
Howard: I'm sorry. It's too late, Mr. Tentacles.
Squidward: Oh, dear Neptune. No.
Howard: (to SpongeBob and Patrick) You there! (pops a bubble) Hey. That actually was kind of fun. Maybe it's time I stopped being so stuffy and loosened up for a change.
Squidward: What the-- (Howard is playing with SpongeBob and Patrick)
Howard: (pops a bubble) Gotcha. (laughs and dances around with SpongeBob and Patrick)
SpongeBob: Oh, Howard! (laughs more)
Squidward: I may be able to handle two lamebrain boneheads, but I draw the line at three! (kicks the brick that is keeping the mobile home at bay and it starts to roll away)
Howard: My house! (jumps off the cliff) I knew it was too good to be true.
Squidward: (looks at the broken "FOR RENT" sign and sniffles) Well, I almost had a decent neighbor.
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward. We can cheer you up. (blows a bubble)
Patrick: Go on. Pop it.
Squidward: Pop it? Me? Well, at this point, what have I got to lose? (bubble doesn't want to get popped by Squidward) Hey! You come back here. (Squidward jumps off the cliff for the bubble) Jellyfishing bubble blowers!
End