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Enchanted Tiki Dreams

(at Squidward's house. He puts on his Krusty Krab hat and opens the door)
Squidward: Okay, beloved Sanctuary, I'll see you after work, and we'll have a nice, relaxing evening, just you and me. (closes door) That is, of course, if I can survive another day with GratingBob ShrillPants.
Patrick: Aah! (SpongeBob and Patrick are tossing a giant rock onto each other)
Squidward: Hmm. (walks away) Wow. Those two are just so amazingly stupid. (Patrick is tossed at Squidward and bends his neck. SpongeBob jumps on Squidward and makes him fall down. Squidward gets up and fixes himself. SpongeBob and Patrick then toss each other down the street and laugh)
SpongeBob: (sighs) Isn't this fun?
Patrick: Yeah, I love playing Buddy Toss. (Squidward walks past them)
SpongeBob: Good morning, Squidward. See you at work. (Squidward groans. Cut to Krusty Krab. Squidward is reading the paper when SpongeBob and Patrick scream after squirting mustard in each other's eyes)
Squidward: (groans) Okay, I can do this. Just put them out of my-- (SpongeBob screams and laughs again)
Narrator: One extremely annoying shift later...
Squidward: (runs out of the Krusty Krab screaming and into his home. He locks everything and we see a crossword below the number code lock) A 9-letter word for annoying. "SpongeBob." (writes SpongeBob on the crossword) Oh, finally some peace and quiet. (hangs his hat up and puts on some slippers) No more SpongeBob. Just me, myself, and home sweet home. (sits in his chair and sighs) Nothing like a squid's good old chair to soothe the pains of a rough day. Just relax and contemplate some me time. (walks over to his record player) Perhaps I will dance to some smooth jazz records. (does some dance moves) Or I could dabble in a little painting. (paints on his easel and sighs) Yep, I sure am looking forward to it. (Patrick screams after getting stung by an eel. SpongeBob laughs) Aah! (gets stung again. SpongeBob laughs) Aah! (gets stung again. SpongeBob laughs) No, no, no! (goes over to the window and sees SpongeBob holding an electric eel and stings Patrick again. Squidward growls and opens his door)
SpongeBob: Something Squidward this way comes.
Squidward: Alright, you two, I am trying to have a relaxing evening. What in the world are you doing out here?
Patrick: Trying to have a relaxing evening.
SpongeBob: We're playing Flashlight Tag.
Squidward: You're playing Flashlight Tag with an electric eel?
Patrick: We're using the advanced rules.
Squidward: Advanced rul-- (growls) That has got to be the most ridiculous thing I have ever-- (Patrick stings him with the eel. Screams screams and then gets an allergic reaction on his arm)
Patrick: You're it.
SpongeBob: Oh, well played, Patrick! (Squidward runs into the outside of his house and gets dizzy. His left and right windows fall through him and then the giant nose on top of that. He groans and digs a tunnel in the sand and into his house)
Patrick: Shocking.
Eel: How original.
Squidward: (in the fetal position under a chair) All I want to do is live in a world where I can just relax in peace and quiet. (sniffs) is that to much to ask?
(SpongeBob pokes Squidward's head with a stick)
SpongeBob: Squidward, we're playing tag! Not hide and seek!
Patrick: But we can play hide and seek too.
Squidward: (still crying) All I want to do is live in a world where I can live in peace. (sobs) Is that too much to ask?
SpongeBob: (pokes Squidward in the head with a stick) Squidward, we're playing tag, not hide-and-seek, silly.
Patrick: But we like hide-and-go-seek, too. If you want to play that.
Squidward: All I really want is to live in the world where I can just relax... (sniffs) in peace.
SpongeBob: Patrick, Squidward is really, really sad.
Patrick: You're right. Let's go poke someone else.
SpongeBob: How about instead we do something extra special for him. Then he won't be sad anymore.
Patrick: Oh, I get it. It'll be like the time I was feeling impressed, and you let me eat all of Gary's-- oh, uh, I mean, feed Gary for a week.
SpongeBob: Patrick, this has to be something extra special, and we should probably vow to do it.
Patrick: Vow?
SpongeBob: Yeah, vow.
Patrick: Well, how about instead of vowing, we just do it?
SpongeBob: I like it! (cut to later at night where Squidward is flossing then heads to bed)
Squidward: (yawns) Good night, lamp (turns off his lamp. A bunch of sawing, drilling, and hammering can be heard. Squidward turns on his lamp) I guess having a relaxing evening meant saying up all night and playing with power tools! (looks at clock) Oh, it's not that late. Even morons have to sleep sometime.
(clock spins around until morning where the hammering and building is still going on) I can't take it anymore! (goes down stairs) When I get those two, I am gonna... (opens front door) Alright you two, I-- (gasps. Walks out to a paradise of rivers, bars, palm trees, tiki statues, etc.) It--It---It's beautiful. It's too good to be true. It's a mirage. I knew it. (walks back to his house) I guess this is it, insanity. (grabs a coconut drink off Gary's shell. SpongeBob slingshots a hawaiian shirt on Squidward and Patrick puts a lei, sunglasses, and a hat on Squidward via fishing pole)
Squidward: (sadly) Next stop, a padded room in Cephalopod Home. (looks around and sighs) Iust go with it, Squiddy. (slurps his drink. Goes into the waterfall and washes himself off with a bar of soap. Comes back out and gets into the boat and rides it down the river) Empty. (comes up to a bar where Patrick is serving drinks) A refill, my good man. What the--? (notices Patrick is the one behind the bar) Patrick, what are you doing here? (Patrick pours an orange drink in Squidward's coconut cup. Squidward sips it) Ah, it's delicious! What is it?
Patrick: A smoothie.
Squidward: Remember, Squiddy, just go with it. (Squidward gets back in the boat and three tiki statues start singing)
Tiki #1: Hey fellas, look, it's Squidward.
Tiki #2: Hey, buddy, where you been?
Squidward: Hit it, boys.

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("Ooh, ah, ooh, tiki, tiki" sung throughout entire song)

Welcome to Squidward's Tiki Land
Welcome to Squidward's Tiki Land

You can relax all day
Like a tiki can
Or layout in the sun
For a tiki tan
Or drink from a coconut
That's full of phlegm

Here in Squidward's Tiki Land

You can play all day
In a tiki band
Then dance all night
On the tiki sand
Don't matter to me 'cause
'Cause I'm crazy, man

Here in Squidward's Tiki Land
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Squidward: (sighs) This is the life.
(boat stops. SpongeBob gets out a canvas and a bucket of red paint. Squidward paints the background scenery)
SpongeBob: It's beautiful! (hands Squidward his clarinet and he starts playing)
Squidward: I've never been this happy in my life. (laughs. Grabs SpongeBob's and Patrick's hands and they all dance around in a circle, laughing. Patrick bumps into a tiki statue and causes everything to burn to the ground)
Squidward: My world!
Patrick: You were right, SpongeBob. We should have used glue instead of earwax.
SpongeBob: Yeah, especially considering neither of us have ears.
Squidward: (cries) You--you destroyed my beautiful world.
SpongeBob: Sorry we couldn't make it last forever, Squidward.
Patrick: Yeah, we really tried to make it last.
Squidward: Yeah... (sniffs) make it last. (cries. The tiki boat comes up to them) I-I know how to make it last. (Squidward attaches the boat like a swing and hits Patrick and SpongeBob repeatedly with the boat as it swings back and forth)
End