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One Coarse Meal

Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: DadMom AngryPants

(Mr. Krabs is in his office; he turns down the lights, lights an incense stick, turns up the radio, takes off his clothes and sinks into a tub of money)
Mr. Krabs: Ahh, that's the stuff. Right there. (He sniffs) Something don't smell right. (Opens the kitchen door) SpongeBob! Say, what are you burning out here, boy?
SpongeBob: (Sniffs) Hmm. I'd say high grade explosive.
Mr. Krabs: Explosive?!
Plankton: (Flying a glider over the Krusty Krab, laughing maniacally; he presses a button and throws a bomb onto the roof of the restaurant) Enjoy, Eugene! (The bomb explodes)
Mr. Krabs: Plankton! (Plankton flies through the hole) I just had that roof redone last week!
Plankton: You'll be re-redoing it after I'm through with you.
Mr. Krabs: Ready ammunition! (SpongeBob appears at his side and takes his hat off, revealing a can of peas; Mr. Krabs opens it and pours them into SpongeBob) Fire! (Uses SpongeBob as a pea shooter; Plankton blows a bubble to protect himself, then launches a rocket) Take cover! (The bomb doesn't go off) Oh! Haha, it didn't go off! Ahaha, another dud, Plankton!
Plankton: A dud, huh? (Presses a button and the "rocket" transforms into a claw which grabs SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs)
Mr. Krabs: Oh, you're playing with fire now, Plankton.
Plankton: No need to get worked up over this, Krabs, just give me the secret formula and I'll be on my way.
Mr. Krabs: You ain't getting it.
Plankton: I implore you to reconsider (Presses the button again and the claw squeezes tighter)
Mr. Krabs: Go jump off a plank!
Plankton: I have ways of getting the information I need! (Tickles Krabs with a pink feather) Where's the formula, Krabs? (Krabs laughs but doesn't talk) Still not gonna talk, eh, Krabs? (Tickles inside Krab's nose and he sneezes) OK, Krabs, I see you're not going to crack. But I don't think your underling is of the same metal.
SpongeBob: I'll never talk.
Plankton: We'll see what Mr Feather has to say about that.
SpongeBob: OK, OK, but I don't know how to get into the safe behind the painting in Mr. Krabs' office that houses the secret formula, he won't let me near it!
Plankton: Clever. Behind the painting, eh, Krabs? Incidentally, what am I smelling? You got something burning?
SpongeBob: (Sniffs) Smells like blubber to me.
Plankton: (Scared) Bl-bl-blubber?
Pearl: (Bursts into the kitchen) Daddy!
Plankton: (Screams) Call off your daughter, Krabs! Call her off!
Mr. Krabs: She's a big girl, Plankton, I have no control over what she does. Oh, and you'd better watch out, I think she's extra hungry today.
Plankton: Stay back, whale! I'm privy to what you do to organisms like me, I've seen those documentaries! (Backs into the freezer)
Pearl: Did he just go into the freezer?
Plankton: Don't say it! (Leaves through the regular door)
Pearl: I prefer salad over plankton anyway.
Mr. Krabs: Who knew Plankton was so afraid of whales? (Laughs) Pearl, me darling daughter, you saved my business and my formula. Now get us out of this trap.
Pearl: Mall money? (Holds out a flipper)
Mr. Krabs: All right, all right. You're getting more like your old man every day. (Dispenses money from a slot in his chest)
Pearl: Thanks, Daddy. (She frees them)
Mr. Krabs: Why don't you swing by the Chum Bucket on your way to the mall? Give Plankton a scare?
Pearl: Double my mall money.
Mr. Krabs: Your turn to chip in, boy.
SpongeBob: (Pulls out some money) Sure! Here you go, buy yourself something pretty.
Pearl: Hey, this isn't money!
SpongeBob: No, it's ever better. This is what Mr. Krabs pays me with. Mr. Krabs' Wacky Bucks!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, it's all starting to catch up with me. Please, Pearl. I'll do your homework for you.
Pearl: No way. The Chum Bucket is, like, totally gross!
Mr. Krabs: Hmm. In that case, Pearl, I'm going to need to borrow one of your dresses.
(Cut to the Chum Bucket; Plankton runs inside, terrified)
Karen: My triumphant husband returns. How'd you fail this time?
Plankton: Krabs had a whale!
Karen: You mean his big, bad, scary teenage daughter?
Plankton: I hear that mocking tone in your voice, Karen, and I don't appreciate it. Don't you remember what happened to my ancestors at the hands of those beasts? (Flash back to many plankton having a picnic; a whale comes by and eats them)
Karen: OK, when you need a break from your delusional paranoia the trash needs some attention. It's ripened.
(Cut to Plankton taking out the trash; what appears to be Pearl jumps out of the dumpster)
Fake Pearl: I'm hungry! (Plankton screams and runs inside, barricading the door shut) That should keep her out.
Fake Pearl: (Approaches Plankton) I want plankton meat!
Plankton: Holy protozoa! (Runs into the main restaurant) Karen, she's here, she got in!
Karen: What are you talking about?
Plankton: There's a whale in the laboratory!
Karen: Are you out of your mind?
Plankton: See for yourself!
Karen: (Goes to look) No whale in here.
Plankton: I swear, a whale was just in here, she was next to the transmutator. She was right here in this spot! Her mouth all frothy, her blowhole blowing!
Karen: Oh, that's enough, Plankton! If you'll excuse me I have to get back to more pertinent binary functions.
Plankton: Karen! Karen!
Karen: I'm not listening!
Narrator: 16 paranoia filled days later.
Karen: (Over an intercom) Plankton, your dinner's ready. Plankton? Plankton, do you hear me?
Plankton: (Sat in a chair with over grown hair and nails and tissue boxes on his feet) Yes, I can hear you. Can you bring it up? I can't risk stepping into the light. The whale might see me. (Cries; Fake Pearl is watching through the window and laughs)
(Cut to Plankton tossing and turning in his sleep)
Plankton: No, no, no, no! (He dreams that he's being chased down a corridor by Pearl; he falls into her blowhole) Hey, get me out of here! No, no! (Pearl swallows)
Plankton's relative: Hey, Plankton! Glad you could join the rest of the family.
Plankton: Grandad?
Plankton's relative: Yep. And you're pretty brave standing in that there gastric acid.
Plankton: Gastric acid? (Sees that his legs are now just bones; Pearl laughs and he wakes up) Gah! I can't take it! This is driving me crazy! (Fake Krabs laughs from outside the window, then takes her head off and reveals that it's Mr. Krabs inside)
(Cut to SpongeBob mopping at the Krusty Krab; he hears Plankton crying)
Plankton: What's the point of going on? I'll just be tortured for the rest of my life by that whale. That's it, I'm done. (Lies down) The 4:15 bus should be along any time now.
SpongeBob: Hi, Plankton, whatcha you doing laying in the middle of the road?
Plankton: Go away, CheeseHead! Can't you see I'm trying to get run over? In fact, better yet, just step on me as hard as you can, would you do that for me?
SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Plankton, but that flies in the face of my good nature.
Plankton: Forget it, kid, I'll just wait for the next bus. Go on back to the Krusty Krab and enjoy yourself.
SpongeBob: OK. (Leaves)
(Cut to Mr. Krabs in his office, drawing a picture of Plankton then erasing it)
Mr. Krabs: Goodbye, pipsqueak!
SpongeBob: Sorry to interrupt your gloating, sir; I just thought it would be pertinent for you to know that Plankton's laying in the street, forlorn.
Mr. Krabs: Really? He's a mess! (Laughs)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I know you and Plankton are sworn enemies and all, but putting on a dress to frighten him? Isn't that taking it a little too far?
Mr. Krabs: Need I remind you of the fact that you disclosed the location of me safe where I keep the secret formula?
SpongeBob: No need to remind me, sir. I broke number two of the Krusty Krab rule book. "Never disclose the location of the secret formula". Don't worry, sir, I can fix this.
(Cut back to Plankton in the street)
Plankton: Man, what does it take to get run over around here?
SpongeBob: Hi, Plankton!
Plankton: What, have you got mud in your ears? Take a hike!
SpongeBob: Oh yes, I remember. But very quickly, I just wanted to let you know that the Krabby Patty secret formula is not, I repeat, not in the safe behind the painting at the Krusty Krab.
Plankton: Why should I care? All meaning has left my life ever since I've been plagued by that blasted whale.
SpongeBob: It's OK, everybody has a secret fear! For instance, Mr. Krabs' secret fear is- (Whispers to Plankton)
Plankton: Really?
SpongeBob: Mmhm. And guess what else? That was Mr. Krabs in a whale suit that you've been scared of.
Plankton: You mean this entire time it's been Krabs masquerading as a whale? Why, that conniving bottom feeder!
SpongeBob: Well, luckily you would have any use for such innocuous information, would you?
Plankton: Uh, of course not!
SpongeBob: Alrighty, back to your self-destructive behaviour, Plankton. Thanks for the talk! (Leaves)
Plankton: Oh no, thank you! (Laughs evilly)
(Cut to the Krusty Krab where Mr. Krabs is putting on the whale suit)
Mr. Krabs: This is too much fun. I think I've found my second calling. Plankton ain't even a challenge no more.
Plankton: Oh, is that so?
Mr. Krabs: Plankton? Oh, back for more, are ya? Oh well, here goes. Boo!
Plankton: You don't scare me, Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: I ain't Krabs, I'm – I mean – (Switches to falsetto) I'm Pearl, not Krabs!
Plankton: The jig is up, Krabs! I know all about the suit, and you secret fear.
Mr. Krabs: Secret fear? (Takes the head of the suit off) What are you talking about?
Plankton: See for yourself. (Pushes a button and traps Krabs in a claw) Enjoy the show! (A mime comes in)
Mr. Krabs: No. No. No! M-m-make it stop, make it stop!
Plankton: Doesn't feel so good on the other end of the stick, does it, scaredypants? Hahahaha! I am loving this!
SpongeBob: Hey, Plankton, if I were you, I wouldn't be so smug.
Plankton: Why not?
SpongeBob: (Points) Because a hungry pot of whales just showed up for its early feeding.
Plankton: (Screams and hides under the floorboards) Aaaah! Not another feeding! Get me outta here! (SpongeBob turns off a projector, which was projecting images of whales)
Mr. Krabs: Well, you redeemed yourself, boy. (Looks at the mime) OK, you really are creeping me out now.