Back

A Day Without Tears

(inside his pineapple house, SpongeBob is laying in bed snoring, his foghorn alarm sounds and he wakes up immediately; he inhales deeply, then sighs and opens his window curtains)
SpongeBob: Good morning, day! (he begins to walk, but accidentally steps on the top of his big toe) Oww! (falls over, but gets back up with his toe soar) I stubbed my toe! (he cries profusely like a fountain, leaving a puddle surrounding him) I was walking around and I stubbed my toe! (later, he walks into his closet and searches though a long line of identical square pants while humming; he picks one, but the wire hanger rips through the side) D'oh, that was my favorite shirt. (cries; later, he appears at his breakfast table eating cereal while listening to the radio)
Radio DJ: And that was "Asia" by Eely Dan. Next up is Lionel Fishie with his hit, "Sad Song".
(the sad song begins to play, and SpongeBob begins to cry)
SpongeBob: That's a sad song!
Squidward: (inside his house, wearing a robe and towel, while holding a cup of tea and a danish) That SpongeBob is such a crybaby. And lucky me I get to work with him all day. (he takes a bite out of his danish while SpongeBob continues to cry from inside his house; later, at the Krusty Krab, SpongeBob is flipping Krabby Patties while singing)
Mr. Krabs: (enters abruptly, startling SpongeBob who flips the patty into the air) SpongeBob, guess what? (the patty lands on the ground) Yeah, I'll come back later. (goes back into his office, SpongeBob sadly picks the patty up by his spatula and carries it to the trash bin)
SpongeBob: He was a good little Krabby Patty. (sniffs) I didn't know him well, but in the few short seconds between grill and floor, I--(opens the trash lid and begins crying)--I came to love him! (the patty slowly slides off his spatula and into the trash bin) It just isn't fair! (he cries even louder, soaking and enraging Squidward from the counter window)
Squidward: SpongeBob, will you stop crying?!
SpongeBob: The Krabby Patty fell on the floor and--
Squidward: Krabby Patty nothing! (SpongeBob tries to speak, but Squidward interrupts again) Krabby Patty nothing!!! (he pants, then SpongeBob whimpers with tears) What now?
SpongeBob: (stifled) You yelled at me! (sobs loudly, continuing to soak Squidward with tears; later outside the kitchen, Squidward stands before SpongeBob next to a board that says 43)
Squidward: All right, look. So far today, and it's not even 2:00 yet, you have cried 43 times.
SpongeBob: And you wrote that number on a chalkboard.
Squidward: Yes!
SpongeBob: Why?
Squidward: (pauses for a second) I have no idea.
SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward, there's no way I cry that much. There's not that many tears in my brain.
Squidward: Au contraire. (turns on a TV)
SpongeBob: What's this?
Squidward: It's a quick montage of flashback I've edited together that shows the hundreds of tears you have cried over the years.
(the video begins to play, showing SpongeBob crying behind the grill, at the grocery store, outside Mrs. Puff's Boating School, at Jellyfish Fields, at the bathroom, and at the bus stop)
SpongeBob: (in the video) Boo-hoo-hoo! Sob. Weep.
Narrator: Thousands of tears later...
(SpongeBob continues to watch himself crying in the video)
SpongeBob: Wow, guess I do cry a lot. I promise I won't cry anymore.
Squidward: Oh, nonsense! I bet you can't go the rest of the day without crying.
SpongeBob: (realizes something) Excuse me a moment. (he walks up to a rotary telephone and dials it, Patrick appears lazily sitting on his coach when his own phone rings)
Patrick: (answers it) Star... residence. Patrick speaking.
SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick.
Patrick: Hey, buddy! Is it 7:30 already?
SpongeBob: No, I'm still at work.
Patrick: How can I help you?
SpongeBob: Do you think that I could go the rest of the day without crying?
Patrick: (mouth full with popcorn) Well, of course you can.
SpongeBob: Okay, great, thanks Patrick.
Patrick: Umm... sure. And did you remember to put that package outside where I told you?
SpongeBob: Yeah, but I left it in a different spot. Just ask Gary, he knows where it is.
Patrick: Oh, yeah. (laughs with his mouth full) Hey, good one, buddy. You almost had me there.
SpongeBob: (chuckles) Okay.
Patrick: Yeah, talk to you later.
SpongeBob: All right, see ya. (hangs up, then walks back up to Squidward) Okay, it's a bet.
Squidward: (shakes SpongeBob's hand) Fine. If you cry one tear before midnight, you have to...(thinks) Wash my bike, clean out my rain gutters, and do all my yard work for a year.
SpongeBob: Sounds fair to me. And if I make it to midnight without crying, you'll come to a slumber party at my place. Just you and me. (Squidward retches) Ooh, what's the matter?
Squidward: Um, nothing, I just threw up a little in my mouth. (begins talking in his thoughts) No need to worry, Squiddy. You've outdone yourself. He'll be crying in ten minutes. (laughs out loud; in the evening, he and SpongeBob are now walking home from work)
SpongeBob: Thanks again for walking with me, Squidward.
Squidward: There's a first time for everything. (under his breath) Also, I'd like to win this bet as soon as possible. (chuckles devilishly)
SpongeBob: (speaking in his thoughts) I am not gonna cry. I am not gonna cry. (straining, he speaks out loud) I can do this.
Squidward: (smiling) Do what? (sees something and gasps) Oh, my! What a lovely sunset. Take a look, SpongeBob. (SpongeBob looks at the sunset and gasps) Isn't that beautiful?
SpongeBob: I've never seen such a beautiful underwater sunset.
Squidward: Really tugs the heartstrings, doesn't it?
SpongeBob: (gasps quietly in awe) It's... (the Bikini Bottom Choir drives by singing an angelic note, Squidward chuckles as SpongeBob's eyes begin to twinkle and water)
Squidward: Is that a tear I see?
(the sunset disappears)
SpongeBob: Oh well, sunset's over. (walks off, Squidward scoffs in frustration; later, they both enter SpongeBob's house) Nice of you to drop in, neighbor.
Squidward: Nice of you to have me, I--(sees something) Oh, look SpongeBob. Gary's sleeping.
(Gary appears on a stack of newspapers sleeping and snoring)
SpongeBob: (with his hands together, up to his mouth) Aww. He looks like an angel.
Squidward: That is just so adorable. Almost makes you want to cry.
(Gary begins to drool in his sleep)
SpongeBob: Yeah. (snaps out of it) No! There shall be no tears in this house tonight! (walks off into the kitchen) La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
(the mail comes in through the mail slot in SpongeBob's door)
Squidward: Oh, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: (pouring drinks) Yes?
Squidward: Your mail's here. Ooh, oh look, it's a postcard from your dear mother and father so far away.
SpongeBob: (turns around) Mother, father?
Squidward: (reading the postcard) "Dear SpongeBob, we are having a wonderful time in the South Seas and we miss you very, very much.
SpongeBob: (teary-eyed at first) Ohh. (grabs another postcard) My subscription to Jellyfishing Monthly's expired. Remind me to renew that, will you, Squidward?
Squidward: (with spite) No problem.
(Later on, SpongeBob and Squidward sit on the couch watching the news)
Anchor Fish: Welcome back to Bikini Bottom News. Our top story tonight: a series of sad tales.
Squidward: Ooh, let's turn it up.
Anchor Fish: Tragedy in the park when a young snail caught in a tree almost didn't get down.
Snail #13: (stuck on a coral tree branch) Meow.
(SpongeBob gasps and gets ready to cry)
Anchor Fish: However, he did get down.
SpongeBob: (raising his arms) Hooray!
Anchor Fish: Coming up, an interview with a manatee who didn't get what he wanted for his birthday.
SpongeBob: (sad again) Oh, no.
Anchor Fish: And finally, sad news for Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy fans.
(Squidward excitedly raises up the volume)
SpongeBob: What, what, what?
Anchor Fish: They will only be showing The Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Show seven times a day instead of eight--
SpongeBob: (sweating, changes the channel) Let's watch something else Squidward, okay?
Squidward: Fine!
(the channel changes to a show where a dad fish is walking out of his house for work while a kid fish plays with a baseball in the yard)
Kid Fish: Hey Dad, how about a game of catch? (he throws the baseball in front of his bored dad)
Dad Fish: Sorry son, I'm late for work.
Kid Fish: (disappointingly) Okay, Dad. (his dad throws the baseball back)
Dad Fish: (tosses his briefcase) I guess I can stay for a few throws.
Kid Fish: (teary-eyed) I love you, Dad.
Dad Fish: (teary-eyed) I love you, son.
(the show ends with the two happily playing catch, SpongeBob turns the TV off and madly throws it out of his window, then walks back to the couch panting)
SpongeBob: (to Squidward) You know what they say about that television. Rots the brain.
Patrick: (from outside) Hey, thanks for the TV, SpongeBob. (he carries the broken-up TV set on his head) I'm gonna watch it all night! (he runs into his rock house with it)(SpongeBob and Squidward awkwardly stare at each other, Squidward glances on the cuckoo clock, which says 8:41, then speaks in his thoughts)
Squidward: It's getting late. I'd better bring out the big guns. (out loud) Oh, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Yes, Squidward?
Squidward: What would you say to a little music? (pulls out his clarinet)
SpongeBob: (gasps happily) I'd say... I'll go get some refreshments. (walks off)
Squidward: Don't be long. My secret weapon is waiting. (gets out sheet music titled "Hearts & Flowers (or Some Such Sad Song)", then chuckles)
SpongeBob: (appears, holding a tray of tea) You said something, Squidward?
Squidward: Oh, I just said, "Relax and enjoy the song." (he begins playing the such sad song on his clarinet, SpongeBob goes stifled, trying to fight back tears, Squidward strains hard playing the last single note, then pants)
SpongeBob: That's a really sad song, Squidward.
Squidward: You're not gonna cry though, are you?
SpongeBob: No. (Squidward growls, the scallop cuckoo clock then chirps 9:00) Time really does fly when you're having fun. Well, I'd better start getting ready for bed. (starts to put the tray of tea down)
Squidward: (nervously) Uh, SpongeBob. No-no-no-no, wait.
SpongeBob: Yes, Squidward?
Squidward: How about a bedtime story?
SpongeBob: Now you're talking! (later in his room, he lays in bed with Squidward) Watcha gonna read me, Squidward?
Squidward: Umm... (nervously searches through the pages) How 'bout The Little Angler Who Got Lost?
SpongeBob: That sounds like a very sad story.
Squidward: Oh, very sad. Umm... "There once was a little angler (the page he's reading is actually of the story Jack and Jill) who was, uh, little and sad. (SpongeBob whimpers) One day the little sad angler was walking through the park. (SpongeBob begins to chuckle with joy) But, he was sad, because...because he was lost... he was lost and very sad. And then, he--he started to cry. (SpongeBob begins to choke up) He cried and he cried. And he cried even more. (SpongeBob shakes with sadness) And he kept crying. (SpongeBob strains and forces back tears) Crying and crying and crying and...that's right. You can do it.
SpongeBob: I'm wondering if it might not be so healthy to hold in all my tears, Squidward.
Squidward: You're exactly right, SpongeBob. Let it all out. Don't fight the feel--(the second hand on the clock ticks closer to midnight) Ten, nine...do it, do it, cry...eight, seven, six, five...come on! (the dam inside SpongeBob's brain begins to crack) ...four, three, two, one! (the dam breaks) Midnight! (sighs, SpongeBob's body is bloated) Well, SpongeBob, it looks like you won the... (SpongeBob's eyes burst with tears, shooting a flood towards Squidward and smacking him against the wall. The tears shoot out the windows, door crack, chimney, and other holes in his house. They spread to Patrick's house, causing an entire waterfall inside)
Patrick: Wow, what a great show.
(The tears flood the Krusty Krab)
Mr. Krabs: (standing on his desk, holding a fat stack of money away from the tears) Well, at least we're still together, little ones.
(The Bikini Bottom Choir drives through the flood holding the angelic note; at SpongeBob's house, the tears continue to spray into Squidward's face, then stop, the cuckoo scallop hit him on the head. Now, SpongeBob and Squidward sit in front of the TV)
SpongeBob: (holding out a bowl of popcorn) More popcorn, Squidward?
Squidward: No, no. No, no. Please.
SpongeBob: (eating popcorn) Don't be shy now. I'm made extra. (Squidward begins to cry, SpongeBob rubs his shoulders) That's all right, let it out. You can cry all you want. You're among friends here.
(Squidward wails even harder)
End