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The Curse of Bikini Bottom

Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: DadMom AngryPants

(SpongeBob and Patrick are lying on the ground outside SpongeBob's house, bored. SpongeBob yawns.)
SpongeBob: I'm bored.
Patrick: Hm, interesting. Me too! (Both stand up) Let's go look for something to do in old man Squidward's shed!
SpongeBob: Old man Squidward's shed?
Patrick: Yup.
(They go into Squidward's shed and look around. They whistle appreciatively. They spot something covered with a sheet and gasp.)
SpongeBob and Patrick: What's that? (Pull the sheet off to reveal a lawnmower)
Patrick: What is it?
SpongeBob: I don't know, Patrick.
(Squidward comes out of his house, humming, and walks over to the shed. Inside, SpongeBob and Patrick are playing on the lawnmower. They hear the door open.)
Patrick: It's old man Squidward!
SpongeBob: Hide!
(Squidward turns on the light and walks past SpongeBob and Patrick, who are hiding on the tool rack)
Squidward: Hmm, where's my trowel?
Patrick: (Whispering) SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Yes, Patrick?
Patrick: Is this a trowel? (Turns around to show a trowel in his butt crack)
SpongeBob: Yes, Patrick.
Squidward: (Spots the trowel) Oh, here it is. (Notices Patrick and screams. SpongeBob and Patrick scream and hide behind the lawnmower.)
SpongeBob: Don't hurt us, Squidward!
Patrick: We're bored.
SpongeBob: We just want to play with your … whatever this thing is.
Squidward: No, no no no no no no no! You morons would probably … (Thinks) You want to play with my lawnmower?
SpongeBob and Patrick: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!
(Squidward imagines them pushing it)
SpongeBob: Thanks for letting us mow your lawn, Squidward! (Off screen) Aaaah! My patty flipping hand!
Squidward: (Vision ends; he gets excited and starts up the lawnmower) Knock yourselves out!
(They burst out of the shed and ride the lawnmower over Squidward's lawn then through the fence and into the distance. They ride through the cemetery, laughing. In a cavern beneath the cemetery, the Flying Dutchman is preparing for a date. He opens a coffin labelled "Davy Jones" and pushes a skeleton aside.)
Flying Dutchman: Excuse me, Davy, I've got my first blind date in 400 years and I've got to look good. (Rifles through jackets) Hmm. It's little torn … course, it was the shirt I was buried in. Ahh, memories. (Sniffs and chokes) OK, that one's a bit ripe. Hmm. Stained. Nah, too itchy. Hey, thar she is! I've been saving this beauty for a special occasion. (Puts it on and admires himself in the mirror) Lookin' good!
(SpongeBob and Patrick pass overhead, laughing and shaking the ground so that dirt falls onto the Dutchman. He becomes enraged and pops his head out of the ground.)
Flying Dutchman: Who dares- (The lawnmower shaves his beard off) Who- (And again) Disturb- (And again) The flying- (And again, until he is clean shaven) Dutchman. (Feels his face and looks in a mirror) My beard! Hey! (SpongeBob and Patrick run him over again. He becomes very angry and levitates them.) Who dares disturb the Flying Dutchman?
SpongeBob: You're not the Flying Dutchman.
Patrick: Yeah, the Flying Dutchman has a beard.
Flying Dutchman: I don't look like the Flying Dutchman because you morons cut off my beard!
SpongeBob: Oh! Makes you look a thousand years younger.
Flying Dutchman: I don't want to look younger! I hate youth. I'll probably get pimples again.
Patrick: Your beard will just grow back.
Flying Dutchman: You know nothing of my facial hair! It will take a thousand years for my beard to grow back!
SpongeBob: I'm sorry, but we don't know what it's like to be ghosts.
Flying Dutchman: Well maybe it's time you learned. Until my beard grows back, I'm going to turn you two fools into ghosts! Prepare to be ghostified!
Patrick: Ghostified? Huh. That's not even a real word.
(The Dutchman zaps them and they giggle)
Flying Dutchman: OK, you're having too much fun. (Zaps them again and they turn into ghosts)
Patrick: We're mermaids.
Flying Dutchman: You're ghosts!
SpongeBob and Patrick: Oooh!
SpongeBob: We're ghosts! Yey!
Flying Dutchman: This isn't really working out the way I imagined.
(Cut to Squidward hosing his yard. SpongeBob and Patrick rise out of the ground, wailing.)
SpongeBob and Patrick: Ooooooh! Squidward!
SpongeBob: It's SpongeBob.
Patrick: And Patrick. We're ghosts.
SpongeBob: We're going to haunt you forever! (Squidward sprays them) Well that killed the mood. (They sink back into the ground)
Squidward: I knew I shouldn't have lent them my lawnmower.
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick arriving home at night)
SpongeBob: Goodnight, Patrick. Being a ghost can sure tire you out.
Patrick: Goodnight, ghost buddy.
(SpongeBob takes out his key but it falls through his hand)
SpongeBob: That's odd. However shall I get in? (Leans against the door and falls through) Well that's handy. (Yawns) I am beat. Well, I don't need to take the stairs. (Rises through the ceiling to his bedroom and gets into bed) Aaaah. (Falls asleep and sinks through his bed and all the way beneath his house)
(The next morning, SpongeBob leaves his house, exhausted. Patrick does the same.)
SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick. I didn't sleep so good last night.
Patrick: I didn't sleep at all. I could see through my eyelids. (Closes eyes to prove it) My eyelids!
SpongeBob: I'm late for work! (Rushes off)
Patrick: My eyelids.
(Cut to SpongeBob rushing to the Krusty Krab)
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Mr. Krabs, I'm here.
(A customer sees him and runs away, screaming)
Customer: Aaaah! Mermaid!
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, you're late! Why are you bright green? And what happened to your legs?
Squidward: He's a ghost, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: A ghost, eh? Can you still cook Krabby Patties?
SpongeBob: (Salutes) Can do, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Then get your captain's quarters in the kitchen!
SpongeBob: Aye aye, oh living employer. (Drifts through Mr. Krabs and into the kitchen) La la la la! (Picks up his spatula but it falls through his hand. Breaks it in half and takes hold of the ghost spatula that pops out. Puts a patty on the grill. Tries to flip it, but it falls through the ghost spatula and burns to a crisp. He leaves the kitchen, crying.)
SpongeBob: I can't cook Krabby Patties! I don't want to be a ghost anymore, Patrick.
Patrick: I don't either. I can't eat anything, food just goes right through me. (Eats a Krabby Patty, which drops straight onto the floor)
Squidward and Mr. Krabs: Yuck.
Patrick: Maybe the weird hairless man will change us back.
SpongeBob: Yeah, let's go see the Flying Dutchman!
(Cut to the Dutchman looking in the mirror and rubbing his beardless chin sadly)
Flying Dutchman. Ah, at least I still have my personality.
(SpongeBob and Patrick phase through the mirror)
SpongeBob and Patrick: Change us back, change us back, we don't like being ghosts!
SpongeBob: I hate being a ghost! Please, Mr. Dutchman, we can't take it, constantly moaning and groaning.
Patrick: Invisible to the world.
SpongeBob: Living without a soul.
Patrick: It's miserable!
SpongeBob: How could anyone live like this?
(Cut to Squidward sipping tea, alone. Cut back to the Dutchman's lair.)
Flying Dutchman: Hmm, I guess you feel my pain. I'll lift the curse from you.
(Green fog billows up and he clicks his fingers. Nothing happens.)
SpongeBob: Hey, we're still ghosts.
Flying Dutchman: Yeah, yeah, yeah. The curse will wear off when my beard grows back.
SpongeBob: But we want to be normal now.
Flying Dutchman: Well I want to be on my date now, but you knuckle-heads loused that up, too!
SpongeBob: We're still ghosts because you can't go on your date?
Patrick: And you can't go on your date because you're ugly? (They look at each other and get an idea)
SpongeBob and Patrick: Makeover!
(They untie the Dutchman's braids and tie his hair in a knot. Patrick shakes his head. SpongeBob smears jelly on the Dutchman's chin and Patrick breaks open a jellyfish hive. The jellyfish form the shape of a beard. SpongeBob and Patrick look at each other and shake their heads. Cut to the Dutchman wearing SpongeBob as a beard.)
Flying Dutchman: Thanks, fellas! I love the new beard. Well, I'm off on my date, don't wait up. (They laugh)
Patrick: I don't get it.
Narrator: Several months later.
(SpongeBob and Patrick are lying on the floor outside the pineapple again)
SpongeBob: Well, here we are several months later. I wonder how the Dutchman and his new girlfriend are doing?
Flying Dutchman: I can't do it! She wants to marry me! I ain't the marrying type. (They hear a shriek; a hideous female monster pops up and the Dutchman runs away)