Back

Growth Spout

(inside Mr. Krabs house)
Mr. Krabs: (singing) Me dollar lies over the ocean, me dollar lies over... (sniffs then exhales a breath that smells like a lighthouse and seagulls. Sniffs again) Whoa! Blarney stone, that's a horrible reek. I knew I was forgetting something. (goes to brush his teeth and sings again) Oh, bring back me money to me! (rumbling starts as Pearl 's fin crashes through the mirror wall. Mr. Krabs stops brushing)
Mr. Krabs: That's strange. I'm sure I can remember screwing the cap back on the toothpaste, but here it is on the edge of the sink, plain as day. (chuckles) These are strange times we're living in.
Pearl: Daddy!
Mr. Krabs: That sounded like me beloved teenage daughter, Pearl! I'm coming, princess! (Pearl groans) Pearl! What in the name of Neptune's Aunt Nancy is with all this ruckus? (Pearl's feet, head, fins, and body begin to grow in size)
Pearl: What's happening to me? (her mouth and teeth grow as she breaks the bed)
Mr. Krabs: Pearl, this is terrible! I paid 30 bucks for that bed! 'Course, that was when you were a newborn. Maybe if I crunched a few numbers and checked the warranty, I could...
Pearl: I... need... food. (pants)
Mr. Krabs: (walks off and brings back the entire refrigerator) Okay, Pearl. I wasn't sure what to get, so... I just brought the whole... (Pearl's tongue grabs the refrigerator and she gobbles it all up) ...refrigerator. (Pearl grows more) Pearl! I somehow just realized what's happening!
Pearl: So did I.
Mr. Krabs: You're having one of them... uh... you know, one of them, uh... growth spouts. That's all. It means you're healthy.
Pearl: It means I need food!
Mr. Krabs: (opens cabinet to a bottle of chopper liver and a leftover) Empty!
Leftover: What am I, chopped liver?
Chopped Liver: No, that's what I am. (rimshot)
Pearl: Daddy!
Mr. Krabs: Darling, I searched the entire house. There's not a speck of food to be spoken of.
Pearl: Well, you're just gonna have to go buy some.
Mr. Krabs: Uh... Can't! It's late! And all the shops are closed. We're just gonna have to wait until morning to find you something to eat.
Pearl: Wait! What's that green stuff in your pocket?
Mr. Krabs: Huh? Where?
Pearl: There! (grabs some money)
Mr. Krabs: Me money?
Pearl: I'll just have to eat this.
Mr. Krabs: No, wait! I'll think of something. (walks out of his house) Food. Where? Where? Food. Where? Where? Huh? (sees a fence and pokes his eyes through one of the knots in the fence. In Mrs. Puff's yard, there is a garden of giant peanuts)
Mrs. Puff: (snores) Must protect garden. (snores) Only thing that makes life worth living.
Mr. Krabs: (laughs) Peanuts! (peanuts wiggle) What the...? (peanuts pop out their eyes, like a snail, and squirt Mr. Krabs with green goo) These peanut worms are pets. Not vegetables. (screams and drops the basket)
Mrs. Puff: (opens door) Who's there? I'm warning you, I have a blunt instrument here, and I'm not afraid to use it. (spots Mr. Krabs trying to get over the fence) There you are, sucker! (throws her blunt instrument and hits the fence, which sends Mr. Krabs away. The blunt instrument flies back into Mrs. Puff's hand)
Mr. Krabs: Cucumbers! Squirting me! Flying stuff! (hides under Patrick's rock. Sees his refrigerator full of food) Jackpot. (sees Patrick sleeping on a table) Surely Patrick could spare a few morsels. After all, it's for a worthy cause. Me beloved Pearl. (grabs all the food) Don't worry Pearl, Daddy found you some vittles! (the food dissolves into sand) Bottom feeders. (gets Patrick's bowl of Kelpo and brings it back to his house) Pearl! I brought you some... (Pearl grabs the cereal) cereal.
Pearl: More, Daddy. More! (cut to Mrs. Puff's house)
Mrs. Puff: (petting a peanut worm) There, there, my darling. The bad man is gone now. And if he comes back, we'll make sure he never walks again! (two police officers walk up)
Cop #1: Which way did you say the kidnapper ran? Miss, uh... Mrs., uh... Ms... Mrs... Miss... Mrs. (clears throat) So which way did you say he went?
Mrs. Puff: I said he went that way.
Cop #1: (writes a lot of notes down) Anything else?
Mrs. Puff: No.
Cop #1: (writes a lot of notes down) Got it. Johnson? (Officer Johnson turns on the flashlight and points towards the fence) Well, looks like whoever it was is gone now, ma'am. Enjoy the rest of the evening. (both walk back to their vehicle) I tell you, these calls are getting more and more weird. I mean, what kind of nutcase would want to break into someone's vegetable garden at this time of night?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, food! Ooh, food! Gotta find food! (runs pass the police officers in their boat)
Cop #1: Well, I doubt he's gonna turn up anywhere near here again tonight. What do you say we go check out that new 24-hour Taser Emporium you were talking about? (drives off)
Mr. Krabs: Food, food, food, food, food, food, food, food! (runs pass Squidward's house then stops and sniffs the air) Food. (uses his nose to unlock Squidward's front door. Sees Squidward sleeping in his bed) Not food. (smells the flowers then turns on some lights and gasps) Hanging cured meats? Exotic spices! A breadbox overflowing with baguettes! Yummy stuff everywhere. I'll start with the fridge. (opens fridge and puts different foods in his bag) Candied sea yams, pickled urchins, anemone pies, a bucket of kelp slaw. Etcetera. Oh, more etcetera. (walks out of Squidward's house)
Squidward's House: Oh well. I needed to lose a little weight anyway.
Cop #1: (talking to Johnson) And that's what I told him. I said, if you're not gonna bring an extra set of batteries, then why even carry a... (sees Mr. Krabs carrying a big sack) Hey mister! What's with the sack?
Mr. Krabs: S-sack?
Cop #1: Yeah, sack. That big giant sack thing you're carrying on your back? That sack?
Mr. Krabs: It's, uh... I'm... practicing to be Sandy Claws for the holidays. (police boat siren wails. They drop Mr. Krabs off at his house)
Cop #1: Okay, you have a safe night, now.
Mr. Krabs: Thanks again, Officer!
Cop #1: Be seeing you in a couple months. (chuckles) Happy holidays.
Mr. Krabs: Okay, Pearly. I got some more vittles for you! (Pearl uses her tongue to point in her mouth. Mr. Krabs dumps the contents in the bag in Pearl's mouth. She burps loudly)
Pearl: More!
Mr. Krabs: I was afraid you were gonna say that. (cut to Mr. Krabs in SpongeBob's kitchen. SpongeBob turns on the light) I wasn't stealing food!
SpongeBob: (gasps) Mr. Krabs! How could you do this to me?
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, I'm sorry, I had no other choice. See...
SpongeBob: Coming over for a slumber party without even giving me a chance to put my best PJs on. I mean, look at these things! Just give me one minute to change, and when I get back, we can get started on some s'mores and popcorn.
Mr. Krabs: (chuckles nervously) G-g-good idea, SpongeBob. That sounds just perfect.
Squidward: Not so fast. That krab is a food thief. He snuck into my house in the middle of the night, stole every last morsel in my kitchen, and he even swiped my entire collection of smoked kielbasas.
SpongeBob: But I thought he was having a slumber party at my house.
Squidward: I don't care. I'm calling the police. (dials)
Mr. Krabs: Squidward! Wait! You can't!
Squidward: Oh? And why is that?
Mr. Krabs: Because if you do, I'll fire you. (Squidward continues to dial) No, if I go to prison, who's gonna feed Pearl?
Squidward: Hello. Police?
Mr. Krabs: Hold it! I'll... I'll...
Squidward: You'll what? You'll give me your golden tooth? Mr. Krabs yanks his golden tooth out of his mouth and hands it to Squidward)
SpongeBob: I didn't even know Mr. Krabs had a gold tooth.
Squidward: (walking off) Neither did I.
Mr. Krabs: (sobs) Oh, SpongeBob! What am I gonna do?
SpongeBob: Oh, don't worry Mr. Krabs. I had a tooth pulled a few years ago. Only hurts for a couple of days.
Mr. Krabs: Ah, it's not that, boy. Those nerves died years ago. It's me dear daughter, Pearl.
SpongeBob: Pearl? What happened?
Mr. Krabs: She's going through one of them growth spurts. And I can't find a way to feed her.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, you're the owner of the most delightfully delicious restaurant in Bikini Bottom! Why don't you just take her there to eat?
Mr. Krabs: Hold on, boy. I said I was trying to feed me daughter, not completely obliterate me inventory.
SpongeBob: You don't have to do that. I know a special ingredient that can make one Krabby Patty taste like a million! (cut to the Krusty Krab)
Pearl: Ow! Ow...! So... hungry... Not... gonna... make it!
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! Hurry it up!
SpongeBob: Hang in there, Mr. Krabs. Almost ready!
Mr. Krabs: You've been saying that for the last... (SpongeBob tosses the Krabby Patty in Pearl's mouth. She burps)
Pearl: Daddy! I'm not hungry anymore! And I've stopped growing! I feel great. (chuckles)
Mr. Krabs: Whew. Boy, I'm glad that's over. And it only cost me one Krabby Patty. Say, what was that secret ingredient you used in there, anyways, boy?
SpongeBob: It was love, Mr. Krabs. It was love. (Mr. Krabs laughs then sighs)
End