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Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: ssj4gogita4

(While everyone is asleep, Squidward left window of his house lights up. He is sitting down about to watch TV)
Squidward: All of the most intelligent programming starts before 5:00 am. (clicks remote)
TV Voice: Our programming will begin shortly.
Squidward: No, no, no. Take your time. It's worth the wait.
TV Voice: Bikini Bottom Public Access presents: Fab and Fancy. Your source for the latest in exotic pets, collectible jewel encrusted mittens... (doorbell rings) ...and classical doorbell chimes...
Squidward: How sophisticated. (sips on his coffee cup)
TV Voice: ...has been cancelled.
Squidward: (spits out air) Oh yeah, I haven't made the coffee yet. (goes and makes the coffee) Why in the world would they cancel Fab and Fancy? What could possibly be more enriching? (as he sips his coffee, you can hear heavy metal sounds coming from the TV. He spits out the coffee) Gah! (a fish with large, black hair plays a guitar on TV. The words "The Guitar Lord" come up)
Zeus: Hey, I'm Zeus the Guitar Lord. I don't have a guitar yet, but if I did, I would want a really killer one. Like this! (pulls out a piece of paper showing a red guitar)
Squidward: (scoffs) He obviously doesn't know the first thing about music. This is an outrage!
Zeus: (his phone number is on the TV screen) So, here's my number if you want to talk about... (phone rings. Zeus picks it up) Hello?
Squidward: Where is my Fab and Fancy?!
Zeus: Your what?
Squidward: I'm quite certain you would know culture if it bit you on the guitar!
Zeus: Uh, um, I don't have a guitar.
Squidward: Do they just give shows to just anyone over there?
Zeus: Pretty much. My mom gave me this one for my birthday.
Squidward: Really?
Zeus: Yeah, I wanted a guitar or a star named after me, but you know, whatever. I guess a TV show's cool.
Squidward: It's that easy? (hangs up then dials another number) Hello, Bikini Bottom Public Access? Give me a TV show! Give me a TV show! I want a show! (cut to later at the Krusty Krab) Come on! Just a few minutes, Squiddy, and it'll be your turn to bask in the limelight! (chuckles)
SpongeBob: Oh, yeah! Oh, limelight-basking. Basking in the limelight! (laughs) Oh, good times. Good times. So, where will said basking take place?
Squidward: Like I would tell you. Hmph! (thinking) Although, I've waited my whole life to have enough glory to rub it in someone's face. Anyone's face. (SpongeBob winks. Stops thinking) Even that face. Okay, I'll tell you. But the last thing I would want you to do is to show up so plug your ears. (shoves two Krabby Patties in SpongeBob's ears) Well, I don't want to toot my own whistle, but wait. No, that's exactly what I mean to do! (SpongeBob hears muffling and laughing coming from Squidward. The clock ticks to quitting time) Oh! (runs off)
SpongeBob: Say again, Squidward?
TV Voice: Bikini Bottom Public Access presents: Squidward Chat! ...with your host, Squidward Tentacles.
Squidward: Greetings. I am Squidward Tentacles, your host of Squidward Chat. (Gary clicks the remote to Squidward Chat) Today on Squidward Chat we will be discussing something near and dear to my heart: underappreciated artists... like myself. (SpongeBob notices Squidward on the TV)
SpongeBob: Squidward's on TV?! (yells excitedly and rushes over to Squidward's house) Squidward! Squidward! (rushes into house, goes back out, knocks on door and goes back in) Squidward, you're on TV! No, really Squidward, come look!
Squidward: I know I'm on TV! See the camera? You're on TV too.
SpongeBob: (smiles) T...V...? (laughs as he leaves)
Squidward: Moron. As I was saying... today on Squidward Chat, we'll be discussing...
Patrick: Wow! (SpongeBob and Patrick enter)
SpongeBob: So I ran to tell Squidward that he was on TV, and he told me I was on TV. And now you're on TV!
Patrick: I'm on TV?! (runs back to his house and turns on his TV and sees SpongeBob sitting on Squidward's couch)
Squidward: This isn't happening!
Patrick: I'm not on TV. SpongeBob, I went home and turned on my TV, but wasn't on the TV. Why did you lie to me, SpongeBob? Why?
Squidward: Patrick, just how dumb are you?
Patrick: It varies.
Squidward: If you want to be on TV, you have to be in front of the camera!
Patrick: Oh...! I get it! (runs up to camera) Hi, TV people! (shows off his mouth) And my mouth is on TV. (a real mouth is shown)
Grandma: This is disgusting!
Patrick: (licks and bites the camera) SpongeBob, you gotta try this! (both play with the camera)
Squidward: Patrick! SpongeBob! Get off my camera! (grabs Patrick but he falls on him) Would you two get out of here?!
Patrick: Doubt it.
Squidward: (slaps own face) If you like the camera so much, why don't you be the cameraman?
Patrick: Cameraman?
Squidward: That means you take all the pretty pictures.
Patrick: Alright.
SpongeBob: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Let me do something, too, please?!
Squidward: Fine, you can be the sound man. (hands SpongeBob a boom stick)
SpongeBob: Sound man...
Squidward: Imbeciles. (clears throat) Today, we are going to be talking about... why isn't the camera on me? (Patrick moves it around to different picture frames on the wall) No, I'm the one talking! (is in front of camera) I'm right here. Ahem! Today on Squidward Chat, we'll be discussing the under appreciated arts. Patrick I'm down here. (Patrick lowers camera) As I was saying, today we'll be... (Patrick raises the camera up and down) Today... (growls)
Patrick: Upsy daisy! Downsy wounsy! Upsy daisy! Downsy wounsy! (Squidward ties Patrick to the camera)
Squidward: Now then, I was going to tell you about my fabulous... (SpongeBob lowers boom stick in Squidward's mouth) Sponge... (boom stick smacks him in the face. He growls)
SpongeBob: It's heavy. (Squidward grabs the boom stick and sticks it on top of SpongeBob's head) Thanks, but it itches. (Mr. Krabs sees everyone on TV)
Patrick: (on TV) I gotta go potty!
Mr. Krabs: Squidward has his own TV show?
Squidward: Well you'll just have to hold it, Patrick! Now, if there are no more interruptions... (Mr. Krabs walks in and holds a sign in front of the camera)
Mr. Krabs: Eat at the Krusty Krab...home of the original Krabby Patty. And remember, we change our grease monthly.
Squidward: Out! (pushes Mr. Krabs out and sighs as he sits back down)
Mr. Krabs: (dances and sings) Krusty Krab! Krusty Krab! We don't want just you! We want your money too! (cut to Sandy seeing everyone on TV)
Sandy: Whee doggy! I can line dance better than that. (dances in front of the camera) Yee-haw!
Pearl: Daddy, I'm borrowing your wallet! (sees everyone on TV) Line dancing? Ew! That is so lame. What they need is my way cool cheer routine. (Pearl crashes onto Squidward's desk) Give me a T... (cut to Plankton seeing everyone on TV)
Plankton: Oh, please, I can cause far more collateral damage than that. Karen, where'd you put my death ray?
Pearl: Go, team, go! Go, team, go! (Plankton laughs evilly) Go, team, go! (Plankton zaps the ray in the house)
Patrick: (laughs. Still tied to the camera) My shorts are wet.
Pearl: Fight, team, fight! Fight, team, fight! (Plankton zaps Mr. Krabs away)
Plankton: Eat at the Chum Bucket or perish! (evil laughs, Mr. Krabs kicks him away)
Mr. Krabs: (dances and sings) Krusty Krab, The Krusty Krab! Eat at the Krusty Krab!
Squidward: No! My show! (sobs)
SpongeBob: (rubs Squidward's shoulders) You seem tense.
Squidward: (growls) Cut that out! That's it! Everyone out! What do you think this is, huh? Some kind of housewarming?!
Larry: Did somebody say "housewarming?" Hey, everybody, it's a housewarming. (citizens of Bikini Bottom storm in and party. A limo drives up)
Squidward: Get off of my set! This is not working!
TV Producer: Actually I say the show's doing just fine. At least according to our latest ratings. (pulls out a small bag of money. Laughs, coughs, and clears throat) This is actually a lot by public access standings. Everyone is working out except for you... (points to a female fish) (points to a boy) (points to a male fish) ...and you! (points to Squidward)
Squidward: Me?! (Squidward is kicked out of his own house. Cut to later that night with Squidward in bed)
TV Voice: And now, Bikini Bottom's top public access show for the past twenty weeks, Squidward's House Party! With your host... Zeus the Guitar Lord!
Zeus: Hey, hey, hey, Bikini Bottom! Are you ready to party Squidward style? (everyone cheers and shouts) Thank you for making us number one, because I was finally able to get... a new guitar! Thanks, Squidward! (Squidward growls angrily) Let's party! (Zeus plays guitar and everyone else dances or zaps rays)
Squidward: (bangs his broom and jumps up and down on the floor) Keep it down! I'm trying to sleep! (people are partying outside the house, too)