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Shell Shocked

Typed By: DadMom AngryPants

(Opens with SpongeBob lying in bed with his teeth chattering. He hears a crash and sits up, awake. He thinks he imagined it and sighs with relief, but then there's another crashing sound. He picks up the phone to call for help.)
SpongeBob: Hello? Hello! Huh? The line's been cut. (He throws the phone on the floor) Barnacles! (He takes out a helmet and a tennis racquet) Guess I'd better take a look. (He opens the library door) Who's there? Stay back, I'm armed! (He steps on a toy truck and falls down the stairs, then goes into the kitchen) Aha, wind up novelty teeth! How did you wind up down here? Dahaha! (A boot jumps around the kitchen) What the heck is going on with my fancy boot? Hey, knock it off! All right, I warned you! (He hits it) You're a dirty fighter … I got you now! (He karate chops the boot and Gary shoots out) Gary? Nooooo! Gary! (The sink falls onto Gary, and SpongeBob goes to rescue him) Whew! For a minute there I thought you were hurt. (He pats his shell, which breaks) Gary, I've – I've broken your shell.
Gary: Meoooow! (He cries)
SpongeBob: Oh no, you're in pain! Don't worry, I'll make it better. (Gary screams as SpongeBob hugs him too hard) Sorry, not better. I know, here, just use a little tape and there ya go, good as new! (He tries to repair Gary's shell but it doesn't work) Well, that's all right, because we'll find a new shell for ya.
(Cut to SpongeBob's bedroom)
SpongeBob: How about this? (He pulls out a hawaiian shirt)
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Yeah, you're right, too gaudy. (Pulls out a Santa hat) No, too last season. (Pulls out a gorilla mask) I need that. Ahahaha, look Gary! (Pulls out a regular pair of his pants) Here, try this on for size.
Gary: Meow …
SpongeBob: Of course it's a shell. Aw, come on, don't look at me like that.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: OK, you're right, it's not a shell. Oh! (He rushes off and comes back with a glass bowl on his head) Greetings Earthling, I am SpongeBob, I come from the future. Dahahaha. I bet this'll look great. (Puts it on Gary) Ew. I can see why snail shells aren't clear. (He removes it) Hmm.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: (Puts a racing helmet on Gary) Here it is, Gary, your new shell! Oh, you look ready to ride. (Gary throws a magazine in his face) "Shell Spiffy". Great idea, Gare, I'll order you a new shell. Are there any you have your eye on, old buddy?
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Oh, page 72. (Flips through magazine) Here it is – wow! "This stylish fully insulated dual coat ceramic shell comes equipped with automatic rest-room facilities standard, and for the affordable price of just … 9595.95!?" Isn't there a place where I can get a quality shell without spending a fortune?
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Commercial? What commercial? (He looks at the TV, where a commercial is playing)
Narrator: Uh oh, now look what you've done. You broke your snail's shell again.
Actor: Yeah. Now what do I do?
Angry Jack: You come on down to Angry Jack's Shell Emporium!
Voice-over: Angry Jack's!
Angry Jack: I'm so angry about my massive inventory that I'm slashing prices like crazy.
Voice-over: Jack's angry!
Angry Jack: 99.99, buy this refurbished shell and I'm angry about it! Or what about this one? (Holds up a pink shell) Brand new plastic shell, super gloss coat, only 39.99. (The prices flashes on screen) Hey! Get those numbers outta my face! Did I mention I'm angry?
Voice-over: He's seething with rage!
Angry Jack: The wife's gone for good, so I'm gonna sell sell sell all these shell shell shells! So come on down to Angry Jack's now!
Voice-over: Jack is real mad! Don't bring your kids.
Angry Jack: And remember, I'll match or beat anyone's advertised rage or your shell is absolutely – (Notices SpongeBob) Hey, what are you doing in my commercial?
SpongeBob: Oh, sorry Angry Jack. Gary here needs a new shell and we knew you'd help us find one. Hey, shouldn't you be yelling at me right now?
Angry Jack: Nah, I just do that to make my commercials louder. And louder is the same as better! Now let's see if I can't get you into a new shell. (He walks down an aisle) Hmm. There she is! (He puts a shell just like Gary's old one onto Gary) There you are, little guy.
Gary: (Happily) Meow.
SpongeBob: Oh, it's perfect! Just like the old one, eh buddy? (The shell slips and shatters) And now it really looks like the old one, eh buddy?
Gary: (Irritably) Meow.
Angry Jack: Hey, accidents will happen. Why don't we try this one on? (He holds up a yellow spotty shell)
SpongeBob: Oooh, that's nice, love the pattern. We'll take it. But first I've got to make sure it's battened down. You don't want this one slipping off, eh buddy? (He presses the shell and it cracks) Oops. Hey, what about that one? (He picks up a shell, turns around and accidentally smashes it in Jack's face) Sorry, Jack. Hey, how much is that one? (Picks up a pink shell, trips over his lace and smashes it)
Angry Jack: Why don't you just hold your snail? I'll take care of the shells.
SpongeBob: Good idea, Angry.
Angry Jack: (Puts a futuristic shell on Gary) So, how do you like this one?
SpongeBob: Well, it certainly is shiny.
Angry Jack: It's our most reflective model.
SpongeBob: Oh, that is bright. (Stumbles backwards) Can't … see! (Walks into a shelf) Ow, what was that? S'cuse me. (Walks into another shelf, which falls and knocks all the others over like dominoes, smashing every shell) Why – can't – I – stop – breaking – shells! (Walking over shells and smashing them) Whoops. Say, Jack, I don't suppose you have any more to show me?
Angry Jack: I do have one more available. It's the only certified indestructible shell I've ever seen, but I'm sure you'll find a way. (Hands over an armour-plated shell)
SpongeBob: Wait wait wait. Before we do the hand-off, let me take a few precautionary measures. OK, first, shoes are tied. Hands are dry. (Pulls out a roll of bubble wrap) And now a thick layer of bubble wrap. (Ge picks up the shell but it falls and smashes) You, um, you sure you don't have any more in the back?
Angry Jack: The back? There is no back any more.
SpongeBob: Yeah, but look at the bright side. I reduced your inventory for ya.
Angry Jack: Reduced? You destroyed everything! And now you're gonna have to pay.
SpongeBob: Are you really angry or are you just trying to sound louder?
Angry Jack: I'm really angry!
Voice-over: Blistering fury!
Angry Jack: And I demand immediate payment!
SpongeBob: (Hands over a few coins) Take it. It's all my savings.
Angry Jack: This? This isn't enough to replace my fortune! I'm gonna need more.
SpongeBob: Sorry, that's all I got. Honest.
Angry Jack: No it's not. You got two arms and two legs, dontcha?
SpongeBob: Yeah.
Angry Jack: Gimme one of each.
SpongeBob: Okay. (He does so)
Angry Jack: I'll also need some internal organs. (SpongeBob hands one over) And an eyeball. (SpongeBob gives him an eyeball) And your clothes.
(Cut to SpongeBob walking in Bikini Bottom carrying a still shell-less Gary)
SpongeBob: Oh, Gary. How I wish your shell could grow back like my appendages. (He notices a cardboard box) Hey, I got an idea! (He puts the box on Gary and draws a spiral on it with a pencil)
Gary: (Unimpressed) Meow.
SpongeBob: Oh, Gary, it's not that bad. Square looks good on anybody. (Gary starts to cry, so SpongeBob does, too) Oh, who am I kidding? It looks terrible on you! I know, Gary, I ruined your life! Do you have to rub it in?
Mr Krabs: (Pokes his head of of the dumpster behind them) Hey, what's with all that snivelling?
SpongeBob: Mr Krabs, what are you doing here?
Mr Krabs: Well I'm just – oh – well, um … never mind that, boy. What's your problem?
SpongeBob: I destroyed Gary's shell, and now I can't find a replacement, so I guess he'll just live the rest of his days as a lowly slug! (He cries)
Gary: Meow.
Mr Krabs: (Jumps out of the dumpster) There there, boy, there there. Not that bad, I'm sure you'll think of something.
SpongeBob: (Suddenly gets an idea) Mr Krabs, perhaps you could help me find a new shell for Gary.
Mr Krabs: Well, I'd be honored to help you and your snivelling snail during such desperate times, 'cause I love helping others, by helping myself. (He shakes SpongeBob) Now, how much ya got?
SpongeBob: Nothing, Mr Krabs. I'm broke.
Mr Krabs: Oh, I see. (He starts to walk away)
SpongeBob: Wait, Mr Krabs! If you help me get Gary a shell I'll work for free for the rest of the year.
Mr Krabs: Only if I can cut your health benefit for ya.
SpongeBob: Deal! (They high five)
(Cut to SpongeBob's house. SpongeBob is in bed and his teeth are chattering. He wakes with a start)
SpongeBob: Another bad dream. (He sees a scary silhouette) Aaargh! (He shines a torch) Mr Krabs?
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Sorry, Gary, I'm not used to your new shell.
(Something pink and fleshy enters through SpongeBob's bedroom window)
Mr Krabs: SpongeBob, me boy, I need to borrow a blanket.
(Cut to Mr Krabs leaving with a blanket)
SpongeBob: There you go, Mr Krabs.
Mr Krabs: Thanks, boyo. Now I'm all toasty.
SpongeBob: Ahh. I guess all's shell that ends shell, huh, Gary? Dahahah! It's a good one. (Gary closes the door) Gary? Gary? Gary?
End