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No Hat for Pat

Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: DadMom AngryPants

(Patrick is sleeping outside of SpongeBob's house; SpongeBob tries to open the door but can't because Patrick is in the way)
SpongeBob: Patrick! (Patrick wakes up) What are you doing out here, silly?
Patrick: I'm waiting for you, so we can play the day away! (Notices SpongeBob's hat) Aw, barnacles! You're wearing that dumb hat again. Every time you wear that stupid thing you're gone for the whole day.
SpongeBob: That's because this is my work hat, Patrick. I have to wear it when I go to work.
Patrick: Well, why don't you just take it off so you don't have to go to work today?
SpongeBob: Ahahaha, I'm afraid it doesn't work that way, buddy.
Patrick: I hate that hat! (He grabs it and tries to throw it away, but it lands back on SpongeBob's head; SpongeBob laughs)
Patrick: Fine! Have it your way, hat! (Squidward leaves his house) Looks like Squidward has time to play. Hey, Squidward!
Squidward: (Puts his hat on) What?
Patrick: Oh no! He's got the hat, too!
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Patrick. I'll be back from work at six. We can then. (He joins Squidward and they start to walk to work)
Patrick: I'll show you, SpongeBob! I'll get a job, and a hat!
(Cut to the Krusty Krab, where a young boy is squirting ketchup onto his fries)
Mr Krabs: Whoa, that's enough, lad! What do you think, I'm made of ketchup? Now, run along boy. (Hears cameras clicking) Eh? That sounds like … a band of roving tourists! (He runs after them) Wait, come back! Don't you want to give me your money? Oh, they're a slippery bunch. What have I got to do to catch them, stand around out here all day? (Notices Patrick) What are you doing there, Patrick?
Patrick: Standing around out here all day.
Mr Krabs: How would you like a job, Patrick?
Patrick: Oh boy, give me my hat!
Mr Krabs: You'll get your hat, but first you have to entice people into the restaurant by standing right here and holding this sign. (Hands him an arrow-shaped sign that says "The Krusty Krab") That's not too tough for you, is it boy?
Patrick: Sounds complicated. But if it gets me a work hat … how's this?
Mr Krabs: Perfect. You'll be wearing that hat in no time at all.
Patrick: Oh, boy!
(Cut to Mr Krabs inside the Krusty Krab, watching Patrick from the window)
SpongeBob: What's shaking, Mr K?
Mr Krabs: Your buddy, Patrick. I hired him to stand out there and hold that sign.
SpongeBob: Oh, he is good.
Mr Krabs: And look, he's about to reel in his first customer.
Customer: Can you direct me to the Krusty Krab, please?
Patrick: Uh … (Points the sign at the Chum Bucket)
Mr Krabs: What does he think he's doing? They're walking right past him! (He goes outside) Patrick, you need to get their attention, boy.
Patrick: OK. (Smacks a passer-by with the sign)
Fish: Ouch!
Mr Krabs: That ain't the kind of attention we need! Why don't you show a little razzle-dazzle, maybe give the sign a little twirl or something? (Patrick drops the sign) Guess we'll keep working on that one, eh, boy? And listen, if any tourists stroll by, why don't you just blow them away with a little extra twirl?
Patrick: Anything for my new hat.
(Cut to tourists approaching Patrick; he twirls the sign so fiercely that it literally blows them away)
Mr Krabs: That's enough, Patrick!
Patrick: I did it! Did you see that, Mr Krabs?
Mr Krabs: I saw it.
Patrick: Do I get my hat now?
Mr Krabs: What the heck. It pays to advertise. (Gives Patrick a hat)
Patrick: My hat … (He grins, then falls over repeatedly)
Mr Krabs: Uh … what's wrong with him?
SpongeBob: What's the matter, Patrick?
Patrick: I don't know. Sometimes when I'm nervous I forget how to stand.
SpongeBob: He's nervous.
Fish #2: Ha ha ha, look at that guy! He doesn't know how to stand on his own two feet!
Fish #3: Now that's the kind of mindlessness that I'd pay money to see.
Mr Krabs: You mean, "cash" money?
Fish #3: Heck yeah.
Mr Krabs: 5 dollars, please. (They pay him) All right! There's that sound again. (Clicking noises) They're loving it! Patrick, you captured the attention of all these tourists with your ridiculous flapdoodle.
Patrick: I did?
Mr Krabs: That's right. I think we've finally found a job you're good at: being an absolute buffoon! (To the tourists) If it's falling you crave, it can be found exclusively at the Krusty Krab! For just 5 dollars a head.
(Cut the Krusty Krab, where Patrick is falling on a platform)
Squidward: It's official. I hate everyone. (Patrick falls into the kitchen) You imbeciles think that's entertainment? Well, brace yourselves for some true entertainment! (Plays his clarinet)
SpongeBob: Patrick?
Patrick: Yeah?
SpongeBob: Are you OK?
Patrick: I'm fine.
(Back in the dining room, Squidward is still playing his clarinet and the customers are booing)
Customer: Oh, oh that horrible noise! Let's get out of here! (Everyone leaves)
Mr Krabs: What the barnacles is going on out here?
Squidward: I'm entertaining these heathens.
Mr Krabs: We got all the entertainment we need, thank you very much. (Points to the platform) Where'd he go?
SpongeBob: (Leading Patrick out of the kitchen) Come on, Patrick, easy now. Right this way.
Mr Krabs: What in the name of Neptune is going on here?
SpongeBob: Patrick had a bloody nose, so I was gonna walk him home.
Mr Krabs: Oh, a bloody nose, eh? You think I was born yesterday? He doesn't even have a nose. Now get back to work, the all of ye's! I'm not running a happy factory here! (They all return to work) Keep up the good work, Patrick.
Patrick: You got it, Mr K.
Narrator: 7 hours later.
Customer #1: That guy still flopping?
Customer #2: Yeah, amazing, isn't he?
Customer #1: Doesn't that get old?
Customer #3: He's got a point.
Customer #2: Yeah. You seen enough?
Customer #3: Let's get out of here.
Customer #1: Me too. I'm out. (They drop their food and leave)
Mr Krabs: What? Wait! Don't go! Why are you leaving?
Customer #3: This guy's act is stale. We crave excitement!
Mr Krabs: OK, OK, you want excitement? What if I … added a box! (Puts a box underneath Patrick) Huh? Huh?
Customer #1: Sort of the same, really.
Customer #2: Yeah.
Mr Krabs: Oh, OK. So, uh, what if he flopped from two boxes? (Adds another box) Into a cream pie? (Puts one on the floor in front of Patrick)
Patrick: I like pie.
Customer #1: Say now.
Customer #2: That I'd pay to see.
Mr Krabs: (Collecting money) Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. OK, boy, let her rip! (Patrick falls into the pie and the crowd cheers) I'll be in the back counting me money. (To Squidward) If the crowd gets bored, add some more boxes.
Squidward: Whatever.
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick leaving the Krusty Krab at night)
SpongeBob: Hey, hat man, how are you feeling after your first day on the job?
Patrick: I feel like a million bucks. (Falls over)
SpongeBob: Patrick? Patrick, are you all right? Say something! (Patrick mumbles incoherently) OK, that's it! No best friend of mine is going to suffer permanent brain trauma just so Mr Krabs can make a quick buck. I'm going to go have a talk with him right -
Patrick: (Grabs SpongeBob) No! P-please, don't tell Mr Krabs! You don't understand. For years people have been telling me, "You're no good!" Now I'm good! I have a hat to prove it! I don't wanna go back to being No Hat Patrick! (He cries)
SpongeBob: OK, buddy, I understand. Just promise me one thing.
Patrick: What's that, pal?
SpongeBob: Just be careful, hm?
Patrick: (Hugs him) Thanks pal.
(Cut to SpongeBob walking to work)
SpongeBob: I'm worried about Patrick. I'm not sure his new job is good for him. (Enters the Krusty Krabs, where Mr Krabs is dressed in a suit and speaking through a megaphone)
Mr Krabs: See the part time minimum wage employee fall from high atop this tower into this bucket of spiny sea urchins!
Customer: This should be good.
SpongeBob: Patrick!
Patrick: (Being hauled to top of the platform) Hi, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Mr Krabs, you can't let him do this, he might get hurt!
Mr Krabs: It's OK, boy, he signed a waiver. (Shows it to him) Is he ready, Mr Squidward?
Squidward: Ready!
Mr Krabs: OK! Get back, boy, you wouldn't want to stain your uniform.
Patrick: Hey, good idea. Hey, Squidward, could you hold me hat so it won't get hurt? Thanks buddy.
Mr Krabs: Ready, Patrick?
Patrick: Ready! (Prepares to dive from the platform)
SpongeBob: Oh, I can't watch! (Cries and blows his nose on a customer's fin)
Customer: Hey, ew!
(Patrick tries to fall, but can't)
Mr Krabs: Come on, Patrick! We've got a perfectly good bucket of spiny sea urchins down here!
Patrick: I'm trying! Argh, I think I'm stuck!
Mr Krabs: Stuck? Well if that don't … (Mumbles angrily and climbs a ladder to the platform) What's the hold up, Mr Squidward?
Squidward: Don't look at me, I'm just here to hold his hat.
Mr Krabs: Patrick, why have you stopped falling?
Patrick: I dunno, Mr Krabs.
Mr Krabs: Well you'd better figure it out. These people paid good money for a floor show full of pain and humiliation. Now make with the cods-wallop, pal, understand?
Patrick: Uh huh.
Mr Krabs: Don't make me come back here.
Patrick: Hey, Squidward, d'you think you could, uh, you know … (Mimes pushing)
Squidward: You want me to push you off your precarious perch into a bucket of spiny sea urchins? Oh, if only you were SpongeBob. OK, I'll do it! (He charges at Patrick but misses and falls)
Patrick: Thanks, Squidward! Oh, my hat! Gotcha! All right, back where you beloooong, aaaah! (Puts it back on and falls)
Customer: Great, we get to see two for the price of one!
Mr Krabs: I don't think so.
Customer: Ah, fine. (Pays Mr Krabs)
Mr Krabs: Thank you.
Patrick: Look, Squidward, I'm falling!
Squidward: Oh, I'm so happy for you!
Patrick: I figured it out; it's the hat that makes me fall, it makes me top heavy! (They crash into the urchin bucket)
SpongeBob: So it was your hat that was making you fall the whole time!
Customer #2: I paid to see two guys get maimed!
Customer: Yeah, I want a refund!
Mr Krabs: Sorry, absolutely no refunds. (The crowd approaches him) Hold on there, what's the big idea? (They take their money back and leave) All right, you leave me no choice! (To Patrick)
Patrick: You're giving me a raise?
Mr Krabs: Not even close. You're fired. (Takes the hat) As long as I'm still standing, you'll never wear this hat again.
SpongeBob: Patrick, you OK?
Patrick: Well, I guess it's back to being No Hat Pat.
Narrator: Epilogue.
SpongeBob: (Walking home with Patrick) It's OK, Patrick, not everyone is equipped to bear the awesome weight of responsibility that a uniform hat represents. But you can wear mine any time you want.
Patrick: Really?
SpongeBob: Sure thing, pal.
Patrick: (Puts it on and falls over) Thanks, SpongeBob, you're the best!
SpongeBob: Any time, pal. Any time.