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Boating Buddies

(SpongeBob is brushing Gary's shell in his pineapple.)
SpongeBob: ...97, 98, 99, 100. OK, Gary, let's do the other side now.
(Pause.)
SpongeBob: Gary, can you hear that?
(SpongeBob walks outside to Squidward, sitting on a lawnchair.)
SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward, it's you. I thought I heard something.
Squidward: SpongeBob, I've been sitting here motionless for 45 minutes. What could you possibly have heard me doing?
SpongeBob: Breathing.
Squidward: SpongeBob, I will give you $5 if you let me enjoy the rest of my morning in peace.
SpongeBob: Okay!
(Squidward takes out his wallet, but it's empty.)
Squidward: Hey, I could have sworn I had $5 in here.
SpongeBob: I have it, Squidward! You gave it to me to leave you alone yesterday.
(Squidward gets up to leave.)
SpongeBob: Squidward, you can have the $5 back. Mr. Krabs says...
Squidward: I don't care what Mr. Krabs said! I just want...
(He slams his fists down on the table and his drink spills all over the two of them.)
SpongeBob: Coffee rain!
Squidward: It's hot chocolate.
SpongeBob: Chocolate rain!
(Squidward starts walking away.)
SpongeBob: Squidward!
(Squidward sees SpongeBob following him and he starts running.)
SpongeBob: Squidward, wait!
(Every time Squidward looks back, he runs a little faster until he gets to his boatmobile.)
Squidward: It's locked!
SpongeBob: Squidward! Squidward!
(Squidward screams and jumps over the door and onto the seat. He shifts it into drive, but it won't go because he doesn't have the key.)
Squidward: Huh? The key! Oh, where did I put that stupid...?
SpongeBob: Squidward! Squidward!
Squidward: Oh, why can't I just find...?
(SpongeBob reaches the boat and Squidward gives up.)
SpongeBob: Squidward?
Squidward: What!?!
SpongeBob: You left your keys on the table back there.
(He hands Squidward his keys, with a lucky pink rabbit foot attached to it. After a moment's pause, Squidward starts the boat.)
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward?
Squidward: (Fake happiness) Yes?
SpongeBob: Didn't you used to have one of those cucumber bicycles?
Squidward: Oh...
(He laughs.)
Squidward: ...That was a recumbent bicycle. And I sold it.
SpongeBob: Why?
Squidward: So I could get further away from you!
(Speeds off.)
SpongeBob: OK! I'll see you later then, Squidward.
Squidward: Bon voyage, nincompoop!
(Squidward drives over a stop sign and is pursued by the cops.)
Squidward: What the...?
(He pulls over.)
Squidward: Can I help you, officer?
(Officer has the stop sign impaling his head.)
Policefish: No, but you can help yourself to this ticket.
Squidward: Ticket!?! Officer, please! I have impeccable boat smarts! I pride myself in obtaining an unsoiled driving record! It's all that I have!
Policefish: Well, you can have it again, right after you complete boating school.
(He gets back into his vehicle and drives off.)
Squidward: Boa-boa-boa-boa-boa...?
(Cut to Mrs. Puff's boating school.)
Squidward: ...Boating school... Oh, well. It's just one day out of your life, Squiddy. How bad can it be?
(SpongeBob opens the classroom door to let him in.)
SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward!
(Squidward begins to cry as the bell rings.)
Mrs. Puff: Good morning, class. Would everyone please take a seat?
(SpongeBob does so and indicates to the seat next to him.)
SpongeBob: Psst! Squidward, sit here. Here.
Squidward: (To Mrs. Puff) Umm... Excuse me, there don't seem to be any empty seats left.
Mrs. Puff: But there's one right next to SpongeBob.
(Squidward reluctantly sits.)
Squidward: Do you mind!?!
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward, we're boating buddies now! I'll teach you everything I know, and then we can...
Squidward: We won't be doing anything, because there is no "we", understand?
Mrs. Puff: Quiet in the front please.
SpongeBob: Oh, I understand. I understand perfectly... Boating buddy.
Mrs. Puff: OK, class, how about we get to know our new students, by telling each other why we were sentenced to... I mean, why we are enrolled in boating school.
Fish #1: Umm, I got caught speeding.
Mrs. Puff: Very good. Next.
Fish #1: Well, I don't see what's so very good about it.
Mrs. Puff: No, I didn't mean very...
Fish #1: (Sighs) I know what you meant.
Mrs. Puff: Next.
SpongeBob: Oh, I am here because I...
Mrs. Puff: We all know why you're here, SpongeBob. (To Squidward) What about you, sir?
Squidward: Me?
Mrs. Puff: Yes. Would you like to tell the rest of the class why you're with us today?
Squidward: Why I'm...
(Squidward glances at SpongeBob, who has his head in his hands while watching Squidward intently, breathing heavily.)
Squidward: All right, I'll tell you. I was trying to get away from him! He is the bane of my existence!
Mrs. Puff: Your's too? Uhh... What I meant to say was, please come up to the chalkboard, and draw a diagram of the incident.
Squidward: Gladly.
(He carefully draws his house.)
Squidward: It all started when I left my house.
(Makes an adjustment by adding dots for texture.)
Squidward: And then, he appeared. He made an immediate right turn, and parked, here. Seeing the oncoming hazard, I looked both ways, and proceeded safely toward my vehicle. It was then, that I realized that I was being followed at an unsafe distance. So, in order to create more optimal driving conditions, I was then forced to partake in evasive action...
(He draws a line on the board which causes the chalk to scratch noisily.)
Squidward: And by increasing speed slightly, I created a safety cushion, while inadvertently attracting the attention of said law enforcement official. May I sit down now, sweet cheeks?
Mrs. Puff: Why, certainly. And perhaps now, SpongeBob would like to come up, and illustrate his side of the story.
Squidward: His side?
(SpongeBob approaches the board and starts drawing while "The Four Seasons- Spring" by Vivaldi plays.)
SpongeBob: Well, first, I started over here. And then I went way over here. Do-do-do, like that. Then, I went around like this, and over here like that, and across this lane, and down here like this, and then I went around, and stopped right here.
(The music stops after a lot longer time of drawing and the board is shown to read "SpongeBob + Squidward- Best Boating Buddies 4-ever" on it.)
All: (Reading) "SpongeBob and Squidward-- Best Boating Buddies 4-ever"...?
(Mumble in confusion as SpongeBob sits down.)
SpongeBob: Do you like it, Squidward?
Squidward: Shut it.
(Cut to outside the boating school in the play yard. SpongeBob comes up with a tray of food next to Squidward, who has a brown sack lunch.)
SpongeBob: Ahh... Lunch time, eh, boating buddy?
(SpongeBob sits at the table next to Squidward, who walks over to eat by the trash cans in the back of the school building.)
Squidward: I'll have to eat over here, like in grade school.
(Squidward is about to take a bite of his sandwich, when SpongeBob pops out of one of the cans.)
SpongeBob: Squidward, do you have any mustard in there?
(Squidward screams and runs away. Cut to him eating in a bathroom stall.)
Squidward: Mmm... Bon appetite, Squidy.
(He attempts once more to eat his sandwich, but then he sees SpongeBob's feet in the stall next to him.)
Squidward: You've ruined my morning, you've ruined my lunch, and you're ruining my...
(The stall door swings open, and we see the muscular fish from "Krabby Land" and other episodes, with shoes and socks exactly like SpongeBob's. Cut to Squidward hobbling back to his seat, bandages all over.)
Mrs. Puff: OK, class, it's time for our behind-the-wheel lesson. Squidward, you'll be riding with SpongeBob.
Squidward: Eh, didn't see that coming.
(Cut to the three in a boat.)
Mrs. Puff: Now, we're going to take this nice and slow. SpongeBob, what do we do when pulling away from the curb?
SpongeBob: Uh, step on the gas?
Mrs. Puff: Good. Nice and easy. Now let's slowly...
(SpongeBob slams on the petal, and everyone is terrified. Puff screams.)
Squidward: SpongeBob, look out!
(They run over traffic cones and through the chain link fence and red light.)
Squidward: SpongeBob, give me that wheel!
SpongeBob: I got it, I got it!
(There is a power struggle over the wheel.)
SpongeBob: Just let go of it!
(The wheel breaks off and they drive into the grandma from "Have You Seen This Snail?".)
Grandma: Hooligans!
(They drive through Barg-N-Mart and a costume store. SpongeBob is now dressed as a gorilla, Squidward as a chef, and Mrs. Puff looks like Jason from Friday the 13th. Then, they drive towards the Bikini Bottom Science Labs.)
Scientist #1: Johnson, I finally figured out a way to shrink an ordinary mailman down to the size of a grain of sand!
Scientist #2: How?
Scientist #1: By using this shrink ray.
(He pulls the level and it shoots a beam, which the boat drive right through and shrinks.)
Scientist #2: Mother of mercy! Where'd they go?
Scientist #1: There!
(They are driving towards a potato chip on the ground.)
Scientist #1: There heading right for that discarded potato chip.
(Mailfish is growling like an animal)
Scientist #2: What's the matter?
Scientist #1: Potato chips are his favorite snack.
(The mailfish breaks from his bonds on the examination table)
Scientist #1: Johnson! No!
(He picks up the chip, but then the scientist sprays him with a water bottle like a misbehaving cat.)
Scientist: No! No! No!
(The boat goes down a drain and return to normal size, coming out of a drinking fountain with a cowboy next to it.)
Cowboy: I never will understand these city folk.
SpongeBob: Hey, where'd Squidward go?
(The buff fish from earlier walks into the stall and locks the door, just as Squidward reappears inside the toilet.)
Squidward: I was just leaving.
(Squidward limps into class again, in a cast with a neck-brace.)
Mrs. Puff: OK, class, it's time to take our final exam. Please have your pencils ready.
SpongeBob: Psst, hey, boating buddy, if you need any help, I've taken this test hundreds of times, and...
Squidward: How many times do I have to tell you!?! I am not your buddy! I don't need your help, and I don't need you, ever! Now just kindly let me take this stupid test, so I can get out of here, and never have to see you again, for the rest of my life!
SpongeBob: (Sad) OK, Squidward, if that's the way you want it.
Squidward: Thank you.
(He attempts to pick up his pencil, which proves difficult with his cast, and it rolls off.)
Mrs. Puff: 3 more minutes, class.
Squidward: SpongeBob? SpongeBob, I need your help.
Mrs. Puff: 2 more minutes.
Squidward: SpongeBob, please? This is important.
SpongeBob: You said you didn't need my help, Squidward, and that you didn't need me.
Squidward: No, no, I didn't! I never said that.
(A student plays the quote on a tape recorder.)
Squidward: (On tape) "I don't need your help, and I don't need you!"
(Squidward is shocked.)
Squidward: Jerk.
(The fish shrugs.)
Squidward: All right, I said it. But that was before!
SpongeBob: Before what?
Squidward: Before... before...
Mrs. Puff: 1 more minute, class.
Squidward: Before we were...
(He gulps and is afraid to say it)
Squidward: ...Boating buddies.
SpongeBob: YAY!!!
Mrs. Puff: OK, class! Time's up!
Squidward: Time can't be up! I didn't even get a chance to fill in a single answer! What am I supposed to do?
Mrs. Puff: You do the same thing that everybody else does who failed the test, you take it again next week.
Squidward: Next week?
SpongeBob: Don't worry Squidward, I've never gotten 1 answer right on this test! But we'll meet again next week, at Mrs. Puff's Boating School!!!
(Squidward screams loudly.)
End