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Squid's Visit

Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: iPlankton

(At the Krusty Krab, SpongeBob watches Squidward read an art magazine, and Mr. Krabs scuttles up and clears his throat for about 15 seconds nonstop.)
Squidward: May I help you?
Mr. Krabs: It's almost quttin' time, eh, Squidward? Got any big plans for after work?
Squidward: No.
(Krabs just leaves, and SpongeBob comes up next to Squidward.)
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward. Pretty incredible shift, huh?
Squidward: Yeah, if you say so.
SpongeBob: Any plans after work?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: Yeah, me neither. Just gonna be hanging at casa de esponja. You're welcome to drop by, if you're in the neighborhood.
(He laughs, but Squidward zooms out of the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob gives chase.)
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward! Wait up!
(He catches up.)
SpongeBob: Squidward, I realize that I didn't really extend a proper invitation back there, so what do you say, Squidward? Why don't you come over to my house for a visit tonight?
(No answer, so SpongeBob keeps poking poor Squidward.)
SpongeBob: Squidward? Squidward? Squidward?
Squidward: SpongeBob, thank you so much for that lovely invitation. But, I must respectfully tell you, I will never visit you. EVER!!!
(He keeps on walking.)
Squidward: Take heart, Squidward, it'll all be over soon.
(SpongeBob clings to Squidward's legs, sobbing.)
SpongeBob: Oh, please come over for a visit, Squidward! It's been so long! I can't even remember your last visit!
Squidward: That's probably because I've never visted you.
SpongeBob: Please, please, please!?! PLEASE!?!
(He clings to his legs and keeps wailing, "please", even as Squidward goes to the bus stop, the laudromat, Barg-N-Mart and eats at Fancy!. Squidward drags SpongeBob behind him until they get to the front door of Squidward's house. Squid wipes SpongeBob off his foot on the welcome mat and goes inside, locking SpongeBob out.)
SpongeBob: OK, Squidward! Maybe some other time!
(He gets up and goes home.)
Narrator: 24 hours later...
(SpongeBob slides up next to Squidward at the register again.)
SpongeBob: Heyo, Squidward. You got any--?
(Squidward pinches SpongeBob's lips shut.)
Squidward: Before you ask me that question, ask yourself this-- "Why would I leave the comfort of my own home for your dirty little hovel?"
(He lets go of Sponge's mouth.)
SpongeBob: What if I got a couple of throw pillows?
(Cut to SpongeBob's kitchen. SpongeBob and Patrick sit at the table, and Patrick is trying to complete a jigsaw puzzle.)
SpongeBob: Patrick, has Squidward ever visited you at home?
Patrick: Only once. He had to take back some stuff I borrowed.
SpongeBob: He said he wouldn't leave the comfort of his home for my dirty little hovel.
Patrick: Borrow something. Then he'll have to come over to get it back.
(He glues two pieces together and then leaves the puzzle in a whole mess of dried glue and pieces.)
Patrick: Well, thanks for letting me play puzzle with you. See you later!
SpongeBob: That's it!
(Later, Squidward is cooking in his kitchen.)
Squidward: A stick of butter, and just a touch of pepper...
(He adds the ingredients to a bowl. A hammering sound startles him, and he accidentally tosses his pepper shaker at a coral plant, which catches it and spills pepper onto a rug.)
Squidward: No, not the rug!
(Squidward looks out his window and sees SpongeBob with some scaffolding and a ladder outside his pineapple house.)
Squidward: SpongeBob, could you keep it down? I'm trying to cook!
SpongeBob: Oh, hey there, Squidward! Just doing a little home improvement.
Squidward: Well, you made me spill pepper all over my imported rug!
(SpongeBob laughs.)
SpongeBob: OK, Squidward.
(Squidward looks at his rug and gets angry.)
Squidward: SpongeBob...
(He storms over to his closet.)
Squidward: Better get the right tool for the job...
(Squidward is shocked to see an empty closet with a note from SpongeBob inside with a little drawing of a smiling sun next to his signature.)
SpongeBob: (Reading note inside Squidward's head) "Dear Squidward, thanks for lending me your vacuum cleaner! Sincerely, SpongeBob SquarePants!"
(The note changes to SpongeBob's face.)
SpongeBob: Oh, and P.S....
(He starts laughing uncontrollably, and Squidward is furious. He calls SpongeBob's house. Sponge bangs on the table and the phone flies into his hand.)
SpongeBob: SquarePants residence.
Squidward: Why do you have my vaccuum cleaner?
SpongeBob: Squidward! It's been quite awhile since I got a phone call from my favorite next door neighbor!
Squidward: That's because I've never called you! Now, why have you stolen my vaccuum cleaner.
SpongeBob: I didn't steal it, silly! I borrowed it.
Squidward: Are you done cleaning up that dingy hole you call home?
SpongeBob: You won't even recognize the place, Squidward!
Squidward: Yeah, probably not.
(SpongeBob starts breathing heavily. We see the two neighbors from thier windows, just a few feet apart.)
Squidward: I'll be over to get my vacuum in 20 minutes!
(He shuts his window and hangs up the phone.)
SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward is finally coming for a visit!
(Squidward places a soufle' in his oven and later goes over to SpongeBob's house. He knocks on the steel door and SpongeBob answers.)
SpongeBob: Squidward! I've been expecting you! Welcome to my humble abode! I hope that you will find yourself comfort and please don't hesitate to ask if there's something I ca--
Squidward: Get out of my way, I just want my vaccuum back.
(He enters and looks around, shocked.)
Squidward: You made an exact replica of my living room!
(It's true, the entire bottom floor of SpongeBob's house looks identical to Squidward's from the inside.)
SpongeBob: Well, you said you wouldn't leave the comfort of your own home, so I brought the comfort here! Isn't that great!?!
(He starts having another laughing fit.)
Squidward: No, it isn't! You can't just steal my decorating style!
(He does a facepalm.)
Squidward: Alright, just give me my vaccuum.
SpongeBob: Would you care for a cool and refreshing iced tea?
Squidward: No!
SpongeBob: Hot orderves?
Squidward: No!
SpongeBob: Nachos?
Squidward: No!
SpongeBob: Spumone?
Squidward: I don't even know what that iS! Now please just give me my vaccuum so I can get back home. I have a cassrole in the oven!
SpongeBob: Yes, of course! Please have a seat while I go get your vaccuum. Please make yourself at home!
(Squidward sits on the sofa, and SpongeBob starts fluffing a pillow.)
SpongeBob: Enjoying your visit so far, Squidward?
Squidward: This is not a visit, and you are going to get my vaccuum! And stop fluffing this pillow!
SpongeBob: OK, Squidward! Just yell if you need anything!
(He swipes the pillow and SpongeBob walks off. Then, Squid takes a closer look at the coffee table.)
Squidward: Imbecile.
Squidward: How did he do it? He got my coffee table, my vase, snack bowl, coasters and ornamental Art of the Clarinet coffee table book! And this pillow looks just like the one Mommy knitted for me! He even copied her stitch signature!
(He reads a stitching at the bottom of the pillow.)
Squidward: (Reading) "For Squiddy, with love, Mama".
(Squidward screams.)
SpongeBob: You yelled?
Squidward: Nevermind, I'll find the vaccuum myself!
SpongeBob: OK, make yourself at home! Squidward sure seems to be enjoying his visit.
(Squidward goes to the hall.)
Squidward: My hallway... Dear Neptune, he even has the chip in the paint from when I moved in! ...OK, Squiddy, don't get freaked out. Just get the vaccuum and go home!
(He opens a door.)
Squidward: Alright, isn't this neat? My bathroom...
(He flushes the toilet and looks into his medicine cabinet.)
Squidward: I have to give him credit, though. Every detail is correct! How does he know the exact content of my medicine cabinet? My rash cream! That little sneak!
SpongeBob: Did somebody say, "rash cream"!?!
(Startles Squidward, who flies into the wall, and SpongeBob spills some on the floor.)
Squidward: SpongeBob, you idiot!
SpongeBob: Squidward, the rash cream.
(Squidward slips on the rash cream and crashes, holding his nose in pain, and SpongeBob squirts more onto the floor by mistake.)
SpongeBob: Oops!
(Squid slips again with a shower curtain on his head.)
SpongeBob: Oh, no!
(Now Squidward has a drawer around his neck and he splashes face-first into the toilet and the lid closes on his head.)
SpongeBob: Uhh... I don't think I have a cream for that.
(Squidward later wakes up on his sofa and his eyes dart left and right before he relaxes.)
Squidward: What a horrible nightmare.
SpongeBob: So, are you enjoying your stay at Chez Spongee?
(Squid screams very loudly.)
Squidward: Uhh... Would you excuse me for a second, I have to use the bathroom again.
(SpongeBob winks, and Squidward goes up the stairs.)
SpongeBob: (Offscreen) Hurry back, Squidward!
Squidward: Gotta find that vaccuum and get out of here!
(He goes into the replica of his artist's loft and turns on the lights, gasping.)
Squidward: He copied all 492 of my self portraits... And they're better than mine.
(Lays down on a rug wth his face on it.)
Squidward: Get ahold of youself, Squiddy old bean. This doesn't mean anything. This, this... All of this is just... Mimickry! He doesn't possess your style or your decorating acumen or your love of the finer things! In fact, the only thing he has is, is... Is... MY VACCUUM CLEANER!!! And I'll remedy that, post this!
(He looks in a closet, which has the vaccuum cleaner, fishing lure decoration and diver's helmet TV.)
Squidward: Aha! It went in here with the rest of his bad taste.
(Struggles to pull the cleaner out.)
Squidward: You're coming home... Home with me!
(He yanks so hard that everything flies out of the closet and into his face. He's upside-down on a tipped-over couch now, and Gary's food bowl hits him on the head. The vaccuum is inside his mouth, the nozzle sticking out.)
Squidward: (Through vaccuum nozzle) SpongeBob!!!
(On his way down the stairs, he almost trips, then catches himself. Then, he takes another step and does trip all the way to the bottom of the stairs, where he spits the vaccuum cleaner out.)
Squidward: Is it really you? It is you!
(Embraces it and kisses it repeatedly.)
Squidward: Come on baby, you and I will walk out of this horror show the same way we walked into it-- with dignity and pride.
(He walks out of the pineapple with the cleaner and a siren catches his attention. SpongeBob and Patrick watch as firemen put out smoldering reminds of Squidward's house.)
Squidward: My house!
Patick: You just missed the fire.
Squidward: What hapened to my house!?!
Firefish: Some knucklehead left a cassrole in the oven.
SpongeBob: Oh, don't worry, Squidward. You're more than welcome to stay at my house until you get your house fixed.
(Squidward goes insane and his a vision of him at a table with the vaccuum, a teapot and a teacup.)
Squidward: Why, yes, I'd love another spot of tea, Mr. Vaccuum Cleaner. Care for some cassarole?
(He laughs insanely and faints.)
(Cut to Squidward sleeping in his bed.)
Squidward: Ahh... Replica sweet replica!
(He falls asleep. SongeBob is sleeping on the rubble from Squid's house.)
Gary: It sure was great having Squidward for a visit, eh, Gary?
(He goes to sleep and his blaket dissintegrates.)
Gary: Meow.