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Sun Bleached

(The episode opens showing a shot of Goo Lagoon, we then see Patrick running down the beach, wearing a yellow towel)
(Patrick stops and takes the towel off, he shakes it out and reveals it was SpongeBob)
(Patrick pulls his shorts out and puts them on)
SpongeBob: I thought you left your swimsuit at home?
Patrick: (chuckling) No, I just didn't want to get it all wrinkled up. (he gestures to SpongeBob's wrinkled body)
Patrick: Last one in is a rotten egg! (he runs down to the water)
SpongeBob: (excitedly) Rotten egg?
(SpongeBob follows him down the beach, and the brown muscled fish takes a spatula and flips three tanning fish onto their stomachs, and a group of four fish tan themselves in an anchovy can)
(A couple are on a beach towel, and the man watches his wife carefully as he takes out a bottle labeled "Tan Accelerator" and starts to pour some into his hands)
Wife: Honey?
Husband: (quickly hides the bottle) Huh?
Wife: You're not using that Tan Accelerator again, are you?
Husband: (takes bottle out again) Oh, don't pretend you don't love it.
(he then pours the entire bottle on himself, bursts into flames, sighs in contentment, and lays on his towel again, now a piece of bacon with a face)
(A shadow looms over them, and the wife lowers her sunglasses to get a better look)
Craig Mammalton: Good work, man.
(the wife gasps when she sees who he is)
Craig: I see you've read my book.
Husband: (he sits up) Craig Mammalton?
Wife: (excitedly) The tannest man on TV?
(the shot then reveals Craig Mammalton, a large tanned seal)
Craig: (chuckles) None other. (he winks)
(the beachgoers quickly gather around the couple and Craig)
Lady: Oh, look at his gorgeous wrinkles.
Craig: What, these? (he sinks his head into his body, wrinkling himself some more)
(the crowd cheers)
Craig: Well, I don't mean to brag, but-(he pinches his legs, turning them into a pair of leather boots. The crowd cheers again)
SpongeBob: (to Patrick) Who's Craig Mammalton?
(a fish overhears them): You don't know who Craig Mammalton is? He's like, so tan.
Fish: Legend has it that his tan is so deep, even his bones are a rich caramel-brown.
(A shot of Craig's skeletal system confirms this legend)
SpongeBob and Patrick: (awed) Wow....
Patrick: His mother must be so proud.
Craig: Please, people, please. There'll be plenty of time to admire my body this weekend (he pulls out a flyer) at my annual summer shindig.
(The crowd cheers again and lines up, including SpongeBob and Patrick, to grab a flyer from Craig)
SpongeBob: Wow, Patrick. An invitation to our first summer shindig.
SpongeBob: And here it is. (he tries to grab the flyer, but Craig holds on to it and lifts SpongeBob into the air)
Craig: Can I help you, little fella?
SpongeBob: (grunts with effort) Seems to be stuck. (Craig puts him back on the ground)
Craig: Yeah, I don't think this is your type of party. I don't want to embarrass you guys-(loudly) Hey, everyone! Check this out!
(the crowd rushes over to them)
Craig: But this party is for the pigmentally gifted (he shows the flyer to SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: (reads it) Must be this tan to enter.
Craig: And your skin is as light and smooth as a, well a baby's bottom.
(the crowd and Craig laugh)
SpongeBob: Why, thank you.
Patrick: We did put on a few extra coats of sunscreen today.
SpongeBob: In fact, it's time for another coat. (he squeezes the sunscreen into his hands, molds it into a shape of a coat, and puts it on)
Patrick: (wearing a sunscreen tuxedo, top hat, and carrying a cane) We've got to look our best.
(the crowd and Craig stare at them. A fish coughs, "Losers!" and the crowd and Craig laugh at them again)
Craig: You're not coming to my party without a tan.
(they all walk away from SpongeBob and Patrick, who look at each other sadly after their sunscreen clothes melt off)
(bubble transition to Patrick's house)
(Patrick's rock lifts up, revealing a tanning light on top, and SpongeBob and Patrick standing by a tanning bed made out of sand)
SpongeBob: There. Now that we've turned your rock into a tanning bed, we're sure to get tan enough for the party.
SpongeBob: (holds up an apple) Let's just test it out first to be sure. (he puts the apple on the tanning bed, and he and Patrick climb out of the rock)
(SpongeBob presses a button to start the tanning bed. He looks at his watch and turns the bed off. The rock opens as a cloud of black smoke comes out of it)
(SpongeBob and Patrick look at the apple, which has now been dried out and shriveled up)
SpongeBob and Patrick: Hooray!
(they run around, laughing excitedly)
Patrick: Me first! Me first! (he rips off his shorts, revealing a black swimsuit, and lays on the tanning bed)
(SpongeBob again repeats the tanning bed process)
(the shot reveals a browned, wrinkled, older-looking Patrick)
SpongeBob: Ooh, Patrick! How you feel?
Patrick: Like one of those hip, young, old folks from a soda commercial.
(the shot then cuts to a live-action commercial showing an old guy drinking soda)
Old Guy: It's radical! Radical! Drink it!
(the shot then cuts back to SpongeBob and Patrick)
SpongeBob: My turn! (he jumps into the tanning bed, somehow getting a blue swimsuit on in the process)
SpongeBob: Remember, Patrick: 15 seconds exactly.
Patrick: Gotcha. 15 seconds, give or take a few minutes.
SpongeBob: No, no, Patrick! 15 seconds exactly. It's really important that-
(Patrick starts the tanning bed, cutting SpongeBob off)
SpongeBob: (inside the tanning bed) It's working! (he turns brown and wrinkled)
SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick, I'm done. Patrick? Patrick? You there? (we see Patrick standing between SpongeBob and Squidward's houses, wearing headphones, and listening to music)
SpongeBob: Patrick?
Patrick: (lifts the headphones off one ear) What? Did somebody say something? (no sound, so he puts the headphones back on)
(a group of tanned women pull up to Patrick in their boatmobile)
Women: Hey, there. (they crowd around Patrick)
Woman: Is that tan for us?
Patrick: What?
(the women lead him to their boatmobile, and they drive off)
SpongeBob: (inside tanning bed, now even more wrinkled and starting to burn) Um, Patrick? It's time for me to get out! (he turns gray and his whole face starts to twist)
Time Card: Two hours later...
(the women and Patrick pull up to Patrick's house)
Woman: Do you really have to go, Patrick?
Patrick: 'Fraid so. Bye, girls.
Women: Bye, Pat.
Woman: Oh, he's so leathery. (they drive away)
(Patrick stretches and turns the tanning bed off. Much like what happened with the apple previously, the rock opens, emitting a cloud of black smoke)
(SpongeBob comes out, and he's now very pale and shriveled)
SpongeBob: (raspily) Well, Patrick, how do I look?
Patrick: (screams in terror and we see him standing on a stool, wearing a skirt and heels) Oh, it's you. (he takes the skirt and heels off, and kicks the stool away)
Patrick: You don't look too good.
SpongeBob: (raspily) What-what-what do you mean?
Patrick: See for yourself. (he pulls out a mirror)
(SpongeBob sees his reflection and screams in terror)
SpongeBob: (raspily) I must've been under the tanning machine too long. (he starts crying)
(Patrick reaches over to pat SpongeBob's head, and accidentally breaks a piece off of him)
Patrick: Ew. What are you going to do?
SpongeBob: (raspily) I'll ask Squidward. He's always so helpful. He'll know what to do.
(bubble transition shows SpongeBob and Patrick walking over to Squidward who's lounging in front of his house)
SpongeBob: (raspily) Hi, Squidward.
Squidward: What is it now, Spongeb-(lifts sunglasses up) Ahh! Ghosts! (hides behind his beach chair) I'm sorry I was so mean to you while you were alive. Please don't haunt me.
SpongeBob: (raspily) Oh, I'm not a ghost, Squidward. (laughs raspily) I used Patrick's tanning booth and I stayed under too long.
Squidward: (starts laughing) Oh, this is too precious! You're sunbleached! (laughs again and pats SpongeBob's head) Looks like you won't be at the party. (laughs while he goes into his house and pops his head out the window) Sunbleached!
SpongeBob: (sighs sadly, raspily) Now I'll never get into that party.
Patrick: Hey! That's quitter talk, mister! You're going to that party tonight. What you need is a makeover.
(bubble transitions to Patrick and SpongeBob, who's sitting on a rock in front of Patrick's house)
(Patrick starts whistling and uses a garden hose to make the sand in front of SpongeBob wet, he then grabs SpongeBob and dunks him in the wet sand, pulls him out and studies him)
Patrick: Hmm. (he then sits SpongeBob back on the rock and wipes the sand off of his eyes. He then takes out a bag of Kelp Jerky) A little Kelp Jerky. Open wide. (SpongeBob does so, revealing that his teeth have also become cracked and brittle)
(Patrick sticks a piece of jerky on each of SpongeBob's two front teeth)
(bubble transitions to Patrick covering SpongeBob with caramel and a cherry on top, and smoothing it all over SpongeBob's body)
SpongeBob: (normal voice from here on) Ugh, I feel sticky.
Patrick: (points to mirror) Take a look.
SpongeBob: (looks at his reflection) Whoo! Thanks Patrick. (he hugs Patrick, but gets stuck because of the caramel, grunts with effort) Ah, I'm stuck.
(bubble transitions to a line of people waiting to get into Craig Mammalton's party)
(Craig stands at the entrance, studying a man, then lets him in)(A lady and her baby approach Craig, who holds up a tan card against the woman)
Craig: Nice job, Ma'am. Join the party. (he gestures her towards the entrance, and then looks at her baby in his stroller, and clears his throat) But, um, the baby's gonna have to wait outside. (lifts him out of the stroller)
Woman: But he's the perfect shade of "Tropical Toddler". (she holds up a tan card against the baby to confirm)
Craig: Yes, but-(he pulls the baby's swim trunks down, revealing that his butt cheeks are pale)
Woman: (gasps in shock) Tyler, how could you?
Craig: Now, don't worry, ma'am, he can wait out here with the other rejects. (he tosses Tyler into a garbage can beside a dumpster full of pale fish)
Man: (to Tyler) Oh, no tears, son, we'll get in next year.
Craig: Next! (SpongeBob and Patrick walk up to him) Hey, hey, heh-heh-hey. Looks like you two took my advice. (holds up a tan card against them) Nice job, gentlemen. Come on in.
(the scene cuts to the inside of the party, and shows SpongeBob and Patrick dancing)
Craig: All right, party people! It's time to roll out the portables.
(a group of four worker fish bring out tanning lights, Craig then takes out a remote control and sets it to "Golden" which turns the lights on)
(everyone starts dancing again, SpongeBob starts to steam under the lights and gets a worried look on his face)
SpongeBob: Oh, no. Caramel hardening. Let's get out of here (he starts to leave, but an oven timer rings, and he's completely frozen)
SpongeBob: (quietly) Patrick? Patrick?
Patrick: What?
SpongeBob: (quietly) Can I get a little help here?
Patrick: Oh, sure thing, pal. Hey, everybody, make some room.(the crowd backs away from SpongeBob and Patrick)
Patrick: The floor's all yours. (he nudges SpongeBob) Knock 'em dead, kid.
SpongeBob: No, Patrick, I-(he realizes everyone is staring at him and laughs nervously)
(SpongeBob starts to crack, which shines light through his holes)
(the crowd gasps)
(SpongeBob's caramel finally cracks off, revealing a very bright light)
Man: So bright!
Man's wife: Honey, look away!
(the man groans as his eyeballs melt, and then he falls down in front of SpongeBob, who laughs nervously)
Man: Nice job.
Austrailian Fish: Your hideously white skin just ruined the party. I mean, look at you. Do you hug your mother with that skin?
(the crowd angrily agrees)
Woman: (to Craig) Can you believe this guy crashed your party? Craig?
Craig: (walks over to SpongeBob) I have seen this only one other time. (he bows in front of SpongeBob, and holds the tan card against him and pulls out an extra tab on the card) He's sunbleached.
(the crowd gasps)
Man whose eyeballs melted: (sits back up, puts his eyeballs back in his face and gasps) Sunbleached?
Craig: This young man (chokes up), this young hero should be praised for his dedication to tanliness.
(the crowd cheers and applauds for SpongeBob, who smiles happily)
Craig: If you guys are feeling it, we should all follow in his footsteps.
(the crowd cheers in agreement)
Australian Fish: Crank it! Crank it up!
(Man turns the tanning lights from "Golden" to "Bleached")
Time Card: Two hours later...
(the scene cuts to everyone, who have been turned into piles of white dust with eyes)
SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick? Do you think maybe too much sun is a bad thing?
(the wind blows their dust away, leaving only their eyes)
Patrick: Whatever. I just go with the flow.
End