Back

House Fancy

(Squidward sets some snack and coffee down by his couch while singing to himself. Then he takes the remote and turns the TV on to "House Fancy")
Nicholas: Hello, and welcome one and all, to a super special episode of House Fancy. I'm your host, Nicholas Withers. Our first, very special guest on today's show will be none other than... (Squidward's phone rings)
Squidward: Oh. (Squidward walks up to the phone and practices saying "hello" and "hi") Hello. Hello. Hi. (picks up the phone) Hello.
Squilliam: Hello.
Squidward: (gasps) This isn't Squilliam Fancyson, my life long rival who I met in high school band class, is it?
Squilliam: The same. You wouldn't happen to be watching House Fancy, would you?
Squidward: I was until you called.
Squilliam: Well Squiddy, I enjoy our chat, but my catered lunch awaits. And you know how hard being fabulous is on an empty stomach. (chuckles)
Squidward: Wait, why did you ask me if I was watching House Fancy?
Nicholas: Sorry Squilliam, but we've gotta get back to the show.
Squidward: Who's that talking in the background?
Squilliam: Oh I'm dreadfully sorry, Nicki dear. Well, too-ta-loo Squidward. (it is revealed that he is on the program) Enjoy the program.
Nicholas: Okay folks, we'll be right back after these important messages. (Squidward drops his tea cup and shatters it. Cut to Nicholas and Squilliam back on the air) Welcome back to House Fancy. I'm Nicholas Withers, and here next to me is Squilliam Fancyson.
Squilliam: Hello, peasants. (Squidward is angry)
Nicholas: Let me start by saying what a lovely facade you have, Mr. Fancyson.
Squilliam: Why thank you, Nick.
Nicholas: And you're house doesn't look too bad either. (both laugh)
Squilliam: Oh, Nicki.
Nicholas: Camera crew, can we get a shot of Mr. Fancyson's fabulous house, please? (zooms out, revealing that it looks like Squidward's house)
Squidward: Hey, that's no better than my house! (goes up, revealing that it is much larger than Squidward's house. Squidward's thumb deflates as the camera keeps going up showing Squilliam's large house. Squidward is annoyed. Cut to Squilliam inside his home)
Squilliam: I give you welcome, to my foye.
Nicholas: It's simply glorious! (Squidward gets angry)
Squidward: (imitates Nicholas in an annoyed manner) It's simply glorious!
Squilliam: It truly is, Nicholasy.
Nicholas: It's like I've died and gone to fancy heaven! (cut to commercial then back to Squilliam's home) Is that what I think it is?
Squilliam: It sure is. It's a gilded door knob.
Nicholas: Absolutely magical!
Squilliam: Absolutely imported.
Nicholas: May I?
Squilliam: But of course. (Nicholas turns it)
Nicholas: Oh, lovely.
Squilliam: Isn't it?
Nicholas: Well, I have to say Squilliam, and I think that i'm speaking for all of our viewers out there when I'm saying you are truly a fancy man.
Squilliam: Well, of all this gushing perfectly deserved. And now, I would like to present to you my most favorite room, in the house (Squilliam opens the door, revealing the bathroom) It's all custom. Ah, look at this, it's my jewel encrusted toilet paper holder.
Nicholas: Such class. (Squidward is angry behind his couch)
Squilliam: Come, let me show you the roof.
Nicholas: An elevator?
Squilliam: Watch your step. (Squilliam opens the elevator. They step inside and press the button that says "roof") This may take a while. Just sit back and relax. (water fills up half of the eleveator)
Nicholas: What the...? A whirl pool bath elevator?
Squilliam: I brought some soap. (elevator opens on the roof) All ashore. Welcome to my roof top garden. Romantic grotto, sparkling berry mineral soda waterfall, and my personal favorite, a 130 foot long sculpture of my unibrow.
Nicholas: It's huge and life-like!
Squilliam: If you look closely, you'll notice it's made entirely out of gilded door knobs.
Nicholas: You have the fanciest... (phone rings)
Squilliam: What?
Nicholas: You have the fanciest... (phone rings again)
Squilliam: I have the fanciest ring?
Nicholas: No, you're phone is ringing.
Squilliam: Oh. (walks up to the phone and picks it up) Hello. Oh yeah, hang on. (turns around to Nicholas) It's for you.
Nicholas: Hello. Hello. (talks on phone) Hello.
Squidward: Hello, my name is Squidward Tentacles, and my house is far fancier than that slob Squilliam's!
Nicholas: Really?
Squidward: Really!
Nicholas: Okay, we'll be at your house in two hours with a camera crew. (hangs up)
Squidward: Two hours? But I haven't even got time to wash my hair. (screams after he notices a spill on the rug from his coffee earlier) There's a stain on the rug! I'll just use this chair to hide it. There we go. Now i'll just... (screams again) There's a hideous hole in that wall! I'll just use this painting to cover it up. Perfect. (screams again, because there is a faded spot where the painting was) Oh no! (looks at the time) I'll never get this place in shape in time! (notices Spongebob in the window. Spongebob hides) Spongebob, how long have you been spying on me?
Spongebob: Umm... what day is it?
Squidward: It's the day you go away and never come back.
Spongebob: But Squidward, if I do that, then how am I going to help you get your house ready for the big TV show?
Squidward: How did you know about that?
Spongebob: I was spying on you.
Squidward: You want me to get the cops down here again? Because... (hears the clock) All right, fine. But one slip up, and you are out of here. Comprendo? (Spongebob slips behind him)
Spongebob: ¡Mucho comprendo, Señor Habanero!
Squidward: All right, first I'm going to give you something so simple, a person without a brain could even get it done right.
Spongebob: Whew, that's good, because I lent my brain to Patrick for the weekend.
Squidward: Really?
Spongebob: No, not really. He traded me these 2 chocolate bars for it.
Squidward: I don't care! Just use this paint to cover up that faded part on the wall right there. Don't touch anything else!
Spongebob: Okay. (Spongebob picks up the brush, throws it away then absorbs the paint and uses himself on the wall)
Squidward: Spongebob, what was that noise? (screams) Skin me alive, and drench me in boiling oil! What have you done to my living room? I told you just to paint the faded spot.
Spongebob: Well, it all looked kinda faded. (Squidward hisses then looks at the clock again)
Squidward: Nevermind. Maybe it won't show up on camera. Here, help me move this sofa.
Spongebob: You got it, Squiddy. Where are we moving her to?
Squidward: Hang on, i'm trying to get the grip on the thing. Now don't move it until I say... (Spongebob moves the couch on Squidward's foot) Ow! Okay, it's on my foot. Now don't... (Spongebob moves it again) Ow!
Spongebob: Okay. (moves it again but rips off Squidward's skin this time)
Squidward: Ow! Spongebob, I told you not to move it until I say... (Spongebob drops it on his foot) Ow! Why do you keep moving it?
Spongebob: Cause you keep saying ow. (Squidward screams and lifts up the couch)
Squidward: I don't need you, I can move it myself. (slips on skin and slides across the floor)
Spongebob: Wow, Squidward, you're so strong. (Squidward crashes) And you split your sofa in half. It'll be really easy to move now. (doorbell rings)
Squidward: Oh no, they're already here! Go get a vaccum and clean up all the sofa bits. I've gotta run upstairs and dress my wound.
Spongebob: Roger! Okay Squidward, found the vaccum. Squidward? Well, I'll just vaccum for him. (Spongebob vaccums a little on the floor before stopping) Hmmm, Squidward's house is really messy. I'm going to need some extra power. (Spongebob has a hrd time flipping the switch but, instead, breaks the switch off. The vaccum goes bezerk and vaccum's everything in the house)
Squidward: Okay Spongebob, I finished... What the? (sees the vaccum with a big bag)
Spongebob: Don't worry Squidward, I'll turn it off. (Spongebob gets sucked in)
Squidward: Come out of there. (doorbell rings) Uhh, hang on please. (Squidward pushes on the bag. Door bell rings) Please, just one more minute Nick. (door opens revealing Patrick)
Patrick: Who's Nick? Sorry Squidward I couldn't wait any longer, I've gotta use your toilet. No questions. Thanks. (Patrick shuts the door then comes out after grunting and flushing the toilet) Phew. I wouldn't go in there for a couple days...or weeks. (Squidward's toilet comes out gasping for fresh air)
Toilet: Please, please, somebody put me out of my misery. (toilet jumps into Squidward's arms) Have mercy on my soul. (toilet dies. Patrick opens the door)
Patrick: Oh, hey Squidward, if you see Spongebob, can you give him his brain back? I was borrowing it for the weekend. I'll just set it, uh, here. (Patrick puts his brain on the floor in front of the door) See ya. (closes door. The vaccum sucks up the brain and lands right by Spongebob, who is eating a chocolate bar)
Spongebob: Thank you, Patrick. (the vaccum displays the message "full capacity")
Squidward: Oh no! (Squidward screams as the bag explodes and destroys his house. Scene cuts to Nicholas)
Nicholas: Hello, and welcome back to House Fancy. We're arriving at the home of a Mr. Squidward Tentacles, who claims his house is far fancier than that of Squilliam Fancyson. Let's take a look. (both see the sight of Squidward's house) Well, I, umm...I'm not quiet sure how to say this...
Squilliam: Go ahead. Say it.
Nicholas: Squidward Tentacles, you seem to have ushered in an entire new era in house fancyness.
Squilliam: Huh?
Squidward: I have. I have?
Nicholas: What you have done here harkens back to the illustrious post-primitive movement popularized by famous designer Saul Limpkins. Say, was he a big inspiration for you?
Squidward: Why, yes. I've studied him for years.
Squilliam: Gulp.
Nicholas: I would like to announce that Squidward's house will be featured in an hour long, commercial free House Fancy special, and Squidward will be crowned House Fancy prince of the year! In honor which, was originally to be bestowed upon Squilliam, but now isn't. (Squilliam faints)
Squidward: Yay! (Squilliam cries)
Spongebob: Aw, don't worry Squilliam. I might be able to get Squidward to help redecorate your house. He is a personal friend of mine. You know success hasn't gone to his head? He is still the same old great guy, he has not changed. (Squilliam cries more)
End