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The Two Faces of Squidward

SpongeBob & Patrick: ♪Squidward had a Krabby Patty, Krabby Patty, Krabby Patty. Squidward had a Krabby Patty whose buns were white as snow!♪
Squidward: Welcome to the Krusty Krab. Where it's almost as if the evolutionary clock ticks backwards.
SpongeBob & Patrick: ♪Squidward had a Krabby Patty♪
Squidward: Excuse me for just one second.
SpongeBob & Patrick: ♪white as snow!♪
Squidward: Do you mind! I'm trying to work in a fast-food restaurant. You might want to try it sometime!
SpongeBob: I sure would, Squidward. That sounds...
Patrick: Hey, wait a minute! SpongeBob, you already do work in a fast-food restaurant.
SpongeBob: Oh, yeah!
SpongeBob and Patrick: Yay!
Squidward: Remind me to fire my therapist. (shows the costumers) And stop bringing your neighbors to work!
Patrick: We're not just neighbors.
SpongeBob: You can say that again!
Patrick: We're not just...
Squidward: I don't care! (faces the customers, embarrassed. Laughs nervously) $4.19, please.
SpongeBob and Patrick: Krabby Patty, Krabby Patty, Krabby Patty...
Squidward: (Squidward's body boils up like a thermometer) Alright! I am gonna... Well, I don't know what I'm gonna do, but... (SpongeBob opens the door and hits Squidward's face)
SpongeBob: ♪She'll be coming around the Krabby Patty when she comes...♪
Squidward: Ahh! SpongeBob, you nincompoop...you broke my face! Don't just stand there-- help me! I need a doctor! (cut to hospital where SpongeBob is eating the Krusty Krew hats when the doctor opens the operating room doors)
SpongeBob: (loud gasp) Oh, doctor! Is he gonna be alright! For the love of Neptune, tell me!
Dr. Forrest: Well son...
SpongeBob: No! Don't tell me! I can't take it! (sobs loudly)
Dr. Forrest: We should know...
SpongeBob: Oh, no, please. Just... just don't.
Dr. Forrest: We won't know for two weeks. You'll just have to wait. (leaves)
SpongeBob: Two weeks? I'll never make it. (SpongeBob falls down. Two weeks later, SpongeBob comes into the hospital with a bouquet of flowers)
Nurse Ratched: Mornin' SpongeBob. You're early today.
SpongeBob: Good morning Nurse Ratched. (walks over to an elderly lady in a wheelchair) Hi, Mabel. Saved the blue one just for you. (gives a blue flower to Mabel)
Mabel: Oh, SpongeBob! Blue is my favorite color. Uh, or is it orange?
SpongeBob: (laughs) Don't worry, Mabel, I'll bet your amnesia's gonna wear off in no time. (walks off)
Mabel: My what?
SpongeBob: (flops on his back) Hiya, Squidward! I've been practicing how to flop on my back. (Squidward muffles and high-pitched screaming through his bandages)
Dr. Forrest: We can't really have you in here today. I'm going to be removing Squidward's bandages, and he made me swear to keep you far away from him.
SpongeBob: It's been two weeks already? Don't worry doc. I promise to stay out of the way.
Dr. Forrest: Okay. As long as you stay on the other side of the... (SpongeBob is on the other side of the bed. Doctor sighs) Right. (takes out some scissors and is about to remove the bandages on Squidward's face)
SpongeBob: Don't botch it. Sorry, go ahead. Wait!
Dr. Forrest: What is it?!
SpongeBob: Are you sure that the patient has enough of... (speaks gibberish)?
Dr. Forrest: I have no idea what that is. Please, just let me work.
SpongeBob: Very well, Doctor, carry on.
Dr. Forrest: May I?
SpongeBob: Hold it! The readings on this brain meter are all wrong! We must postpone the operation!
Dr. Forrest: That is a television set put here for the patient's enjoyment. And it's not even plugged into the wall!
SpongeBob: You're right, doc. Proceed with operation sever. Hold it!
Dr. Forrest: Now what?!
Nurse: (on television set) Doctor, we can't do this. Surely we can use a less dangerous procedure-- after all, we have to start thinking about the welfare... (Doctor turns off the TV)
SpongeBob: Wait!
Dr. Forrest: What could it possibly be this time?
SpongeBob: I just wanted to say sorry for interrupting you before.
Dr. Forrest: (unwraps the bandages. When all the bandages are off there is a bright light that shines in his face. He gasps) I...I...I can't believe it. (faints)
Squidward: SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Yeah?
Squidward: How does it look?
SpongeBob: Great Neptune.
Squidward: Come on, spit it out. I can take it.
Nurse: Time for your medicine, Mr... Mr...Handsome! Ah... (melts)
Squidward: What did she call me?
SpongeBob: Handsome. But she spelled it wrong.
Squidward: Quick, hand me that mirror. What the...? Wait a second. That nurse was right. I am handsome!
SpongeBob: Uh, Squidward, you're not handsome. You're a hunk!
Fish #1: So handsome! (faints)
Fish #2: Handsome! (Then more women faint)
Fish #3: (crashes his boat into a building) Hello, handsome!
SpongeBob: Gee, Squidward. People really seem to be noticing how handsome you are now. You might even be more handsome than before.
Fish #4: Aah! So handsome! (faints)
SpongeBob: If that's even possible. (chuckles)
Mary: (gasps) Ah! (jumps out of her wheelchair and runs but stops immediately) It's a miracle. I can walk.
Fish #5: (takes off sunglasses) I can see!
Fish #6: I can fly! (starts to fly) Uh-oh. My shoe's untied. (shoe falls off his foot)
Fish #7: Mr. Handsome, can I have your autograph? No, not in the book. On my retainer.
SpongeBob & Squidward: A limousine?
Squidward: Well, SpongeBob, earlier today my spine was hurting, but now I'm resting on fine leather upholstery. (limps stops and as they get out, cameras flash at Squidward as he walks up to his door and turns around)
SpongeBob: Now I'm gonna clip my toenails, Squidward. Don't forget to enjoy being handsome.
Squidward: Oh, don't worry.
Crowd: (chanting) Handsome! Handsome! Handsome! Handsome! (day turns into night) Handsome! Handsome! (Squidward lays down in his bed and goes to sleep with the crowd still chanting until morning)
Squidward: Huh? Well, better go greet the commoners.
Crowd: (still chanting) Handsome! Handsome! Handsome! Handsome!
Squidward: Good morning, my people! Sorry to have kept you waiting, but even I... (chuckles) ...strange as it my seem, need my beauty sleep.
Fish #9: I want his shirt!
Fish #10: I want his eyelids! (crowd rips his shirt)
Squidward: I guessed I kept them waiting a little too long. I know. A little music should soothe their hunger (plays a tune on his clarinet)
Fish #9: Hey, what's that sound?
Fish #11: Wait, it's him-- the handsome man! (crowd cheers)
Squidward: Beautiful and talented. What more do they want? Don't worry, folks, there's more where that came from. Hey! (someone takes the clarinet away from Squidward)
Fish #12: I got the clarinet! (crowd rips off the fish's shirt and breaks the clarinet)
Squidward: (smells the soap then pours it in his bath) There's nothing a little foaming herbal bath can't cure. (a fish steals the soap) Hey, my grandmother gave me that soap! Well... no one ever said it'd be easy being so handsome Squiddy. You'll just start getting used to...ahh! (a giant green fish stands up in the bath)
Giant Female Fish: Hi, Handsome.
Fish #13: Handsome!
Female Fish #1: Handsome!
Female Fish #2: Handsome!
Squidward: Ah!
Female Fish #2: Let's get him!
Squidward: Ahh! (jumps out of the window). SpongeBob! You gotta help me! They stole my bubble bath! Public life ain't all it's cracked up to be! I want my own life back!
SpongeBob: Hmm, I know just what to do. (SpongeBob and Squidward run out of the pineapple and down the street while everyone else is chasing them. They run into the Krusty Krab and barricade the doors with their bodies)
Mr. Krabs: Squidward? What have you done? You know what the Krusty Krab means to me, don't ya? And you took it upon yourself to bring all these… these... customers to me. Ah, don't worry folks, There's plenty of Squidward to go around. So everybody just line up and get your pocketbooks out. For a small fee of $14.98 per person, everyone will get the opportunity to touch Squidward.
Squidward: We don't have much time. Take the door and change me back.
Mr. Krabs: And I'll even throw in a free soft drink for an extra $3.
Squidward: Come on, SpongeBob, take the door and smash my face back.
SpongeBob: I can't. It was one thing is doing it by accident, but I can't hurt you on purpose.
Squidward: You better hurt me or I'm really gonna hurt you!
SpongeBob: Well, okay.
Squidward: Now don't hold back, SpongeBob, just really let me have it.
SpongeBob: Just remember Squidward... this is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you.
Squidward: Um, okay... just let me just memorize. (SpongeBob slams the door in Squidward's face) Hey, I wasn't ready! (slams the door in his face again) Would you mind waiting till I…?! (slams the door in his face again)
SpongeBob: Hang on, you're starting to look like your old self again. (slams the door again) Nope. Still too handsome. (slams the door again) It's still not working. Maybe I'm not doing it hard enough. (slams the door again)
Squidward: Uh, hang on a sec (slams the door again) Let me… (slams the door again) Uh… (Squidward is handsome all over now) .
SpongeBob: Eeek! Squidward, you're even more handsome! (crowd screams) And the crowd is in a frenzy.
Squidward: Well, SpongeBob, it was you who got me into this mess, now you have to get me out again.
SpongeBob: I know Squidward! I'll think of something. (grunts) I just need… (grunts) I just... (a shoe falls through the ceiling)
Squidward: (in slow motion) …got me into...
SpongeBob: Squidward! Look out for that falling shoe!
Squidward: Huh?! (SpongeBob pushes Squidward into a pole. Squidward is screaming)
SpongeBob: Squidward!
Squidward: SpongeBob. (crowd gasps)
SpongeBob: You're back! Oh, Squidward, I love you no matter how many times we smash your face.
Squidward: I almost wish that meant something (crowd leaves since Squidward is not handsome) .
Mr. Krabs: Hey! Where you going? Don't leave me! Please, I'm begging you. Look. I can make him handsome again! Watch! (slams the door in Squidward's face) See? (slams door again) He's getting handsome. It just… (slams door again) ...takes a little (slams the door again) effort… (slams the door again) just a little (slams the door again) elbow grease. Please! Come back...!
End