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Good Ol' Whatshisname

Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: ssj4gogita4

(Mr Krabs is laughing in his office as he is reading a book. Spongebob and Squidward enter)
Spongebob: Exciting reading Mr Krabs?
Mr Krabs: Oh, you bet you Spongebob. Listen to this. Individual waste of the enus will substenualy broaden the probablility of multiple substental visits, generating an inverse negative revenue margin of three quarters and one half of one percent: meaning if you call the customers by their names, they keep coming to spend more of their green back! So I want you two to learn the names of every customer.
Squidward: I have an important life to live, and it doesn't include chattering with you two ninnies.
Mr Krabs: I thought you might say that, so I decided to turn this into a contest. The employee who learns more names wins this. (Squidward takes a brochure and gasps)
Squidward: A tropical getaway? On the triple decker Conhugo cruise liner? Sunbathing....Parcheesi...ballroom dancing! This is gonna be so easy. Spongebob doesn't realize that I'm the face of the Krusty Krab. While he's isolated in the kitchen all day, I'll be out here, building a rapport with the customers. (walks up to a female) Hello. May I get you anything else, Miss...
Lady Fish: Since when do you give two shrimps about customer service, Mr Grouchy Squidguy?
Spongebob: Hi Sally! Hi, Sadie! Hi, Shooby!
Squidward: How does Spongebob know all these names?
Spongebob: Right back at you, Lenny!
Squidward: Hey, Spongebob, could you take a look in the cash register? I think it's broken.
Spongebob: Oh, sure, Squidward.
Squidward: I think you might need a closer look. Let me give you a hand. (shoves Spongebob into the cash register)
Spongebob: I can't see anything in here, Squidward.
Squidward: Keep looking, Spongebob, keep on looking. (walks up to another fish)
Squidward: So, what's your name? (Spongebob squeezes out of a mustard bottle)
Spongebob: Hi, Thaddeus!
Squidward: Good-bye, Spongebob. (takes the mustard bottle from the customer and puts it on the ground outside. Stomps on it and sends Spongebob soaring into the background. Then he walks back into the Krusty Krab) That should buy me enough time to win that cruise. (another fish walks in)
Male Fish: Good day, young sir! My name is... (Spongebob pops up from under his hat)
Spongebob: Gus!
Gus: He's right! This guy's so good, you should give him a prize.
Squidward: (grabs Spongebob) How in Neptune's creation do you know all of these names, Spongebob?
Spongebob: Well, I simply compile the name of every customer in this book. (holds up a book named "The Customers of the Krusty Krab and Why I Love Them. By SBSP")
Squidward: (grabs the book) Thanks, Spongebob! (jumps from table to table saying all the fishes names)
Squidward: Let's see. Halbert, Norma, Isabel, Gus, Chas, Pelar, Gus, Jess, Cara, Ivy, Harv, Mable, Mavis... (crawls over to a female fish who is eating her food)
Squidward: And your name is... Susie Fish, correct?
Susie: Yes, and you'd also be correct in saying you ruined my food with your sweat, you nitwit! (walks out)
Squidward: Mr Krabs! That's the last customer. Do I win?
Mr Krabs: Uh, well, actually, I wasn't keeping score. But I'll just say that you and Spongebob are neck and neck. That mystery guy over there will be the tie breaker.
Squidward: Uh, that's, that's...
Spongebob: Oh, that's... that's... I know him. It's... something.
Mr Krabs: He's the ticket to your prize.
Squidward: (shoves Spongebob) Out of the way, loser. (runs over to the customer)
Squidward: Um, hello. My name is Squidward. (customer looks at him with an annoyed face) Uh, so, what's your name?
Male Fish #2: What's it to ya?
Squidward: Uh, it's just that I was going to...enter your name in our sweepstakes! (takes out paper and pen)
Squidward: So, what should I put down?
Male Fish #2: First and last name?
Squidward: Sure.
Male Fish #2: Yeah, why don't you write this on your form. What's it... (inhales deeply) ya?! Now leave me alone! (Spongebob walks over)
Squidward: I see he wants to play hard to get. So be it! I have ways of making the likes of him talk. Uh, sir, you forgot your soda.
Male Fish #2: I didn't order any soda.
Squidward: It's on the house. (throws the soda in the customer's face)
Male Fish #2: What the barnacles are you doing?
Squidward: Oh, I'm sorry, I slipped. Here, let me take that off of you. (takes the customer's jacket off) Okay, there must be a nametag or some form of I.D. in here.
Male Fish #2: I don't need your help. I'm outta here! (Squidward follows him)
Squidward: Hey, look up in the sky! A giant meteor is hurtiling towards earth.
Male Fish #2: Where? (Squidward reaches inside fish's jacket and takes out his wallet)
Squidward: Oh, you'll see it. Just keep looking.
Male Fish #2: I can't see it.
Squidward: Well, that's too bad, 'cause I found what I was looking for. (runs off with the wallet)
Male Fish #2: Hey! Come back here! Give me my wallet! (Squidward runs past a policeman eating a donut)
Policeman: Holy sea cow! That hooligan ran a stop sign. (chases after Squidward)
Male Fish #2: Stop, thief!
Policeman: You know that guy?
Male Fish #2: Hardly. He stole my wallet.
Policeman: What? That makes him a dual offender. Let's get him! (Squidward runs up a ladder to the top of a building)
Squidward: (laughs) Finally, the moment of truth! Say good-bye to anonymity, Mr...
Policeman: Freeze, thief!
Squidward: No, you don't understand! I only want the wallet for...
Male Fish #2: We know exactly why you want it, wallet snatcher. (tries not letting go of the wallet)
Squidward: (grunting) This isn't as it seems.
Policeman: That's what you'll be saying in the slammer, punk. (the wallet rips. Squidward grabs his license)
Squidward: His driver's license! (laughs) At last! At last! And your name is... Mr What Zit Tooya? What kind of ridiculous name is that?
What Zit Tooya: It's my ridiculous name! What's it to ya?
Policeman: (hits Squidward on the head with his nightstick) That's enough of that, ballywho. (handcuffs Squidward)
Squidward: But, but, but, I-I-I didn't intentionally do anything wrong.
Policeman: Tell it to the judge, lawbreaker. (siren blaring as the police car takes off. Cut to the Bikini Bottom Jail)
Squidward: (crosses out a day on his calendar) Only 364 more days and 9 years left until I exchange this concrete tomb for a multi-story ocean liner cruise. (Spongebob and Mr Krabs walk up to Squidward's cell)
Spongebob: Hey, Squidward.
Squidward: Spongebob?
Mr Krabs: The boy and I just thought we'd stop by and check on our convict friend.
Squidward: Call me what you may, fact of the matter is I found out the mystery customer's name first. So I win. I win, I win, I win, I win, I win, I win!
Mr Krabs: Enjoy your prize. (hands Squidward the brochure)
Squidward: Woo-hoo-hoo! Tropical vacation, here I come! (laughs)
Mr Krabs: Vacation? Who said anything about a vacation?
Squidward: What? In the brochure, it specifically gives away an ocean liner vacation.
Mr Krabs: Oh, you mean that brochure. Well, that was the prize. The brochure. It was taking up too much room in me drawers, you know. It's your prize.
Squidward: You mean, no vacation?
Mr Krabs: Nope, just the brochure. Well, gotta get back to counting me loot. Enjoy your new prize, Squidward.
Spongebob: See you on the outside in ten years, buddy! (walks off)
Squidward: (laughs maniacally while tearing up the brochure) Oh well, at least I'll have some peace and quiet for the next ten years.
Patrick: (sitting in the same cell) Hey, Squidward. Parcheesi? (Squidward falls apart)