BackThe SpongeBob SquarePants Movie
Typed By: iPlankton
(We start out on the familiar Bikini Atoll Island.)
Narrator: Ah, the sea. So mysterious, so beautiful, so... uhh... wet.
(We submerge underwater to in front of the Krusty Krab.)
Narrator: Our story begins in Bikini Bottom's popular undersea eatery, the Krusty Krab restaurant, where...
(The screen pans out to show it is surrounded by cops.)
Policefish: Hey! Back up! Back up!
Narrator: Wait a minute! What is happening?
(We go over to Mr. Krabs who is trying to dodge questions from news reporters.)
Mr. Krabs: Please, please, settle down! We've got a situation in there, I'd rather not discuss ‘till me manager gets here.
Fish #1: Look, there he is!
(SpongeBob comes out of a black boat with flames painted on it. H is wearing cowboy boots with an S-shaped snake on it.)
SpongeBob: Talk to me, Krabs.
Mr.Krabs: It started out as a simple order: a Krabby Patty with cheese.
(SpongeBob quickly blows a bubble)
Mr. Krabs: When the customer took a bite, no cheese!! (He cries, then SpongeBob slaps him.)
SpongeBob: Get a hold of yourself, Eugene. I'm going in.
(SpongeBob walks in and sees a fish, extremely nervous, looking at his Krabby Patty.)
SpongeBob: Take it easy, friend. I'm the manager of this establishment.
(He puts a briefcase down on a table.)
SpongeBob: Everything's gonna be just fine.
Fish #2: I'm really scared here, man.
(SpongeBob opens the briefcase.)
SpongeBob: You got a name?
Fish #2: Phil.
(Sponge puts on gloves.)
SpongeBob: You got a family, Phil?
(Phil chokes over his words, unable to speak. SpongeBob snaps.)
SpongeBob: Come on, Phil, stay with me, let's hear about that family.
Phil: I got a wife, and two beautiful children.
(Sponge puts on a headset from the briefcase.)
SpongeBob: That's what it's all about. Now, I want you to do me a favor, Phil.
Phil: What?
(SpongeBob picks a slice of cheese out from his briefcase with some tweezers.)
SpongeBob: Say "cheese."
(SpongeBob dramaticaly and slowly attempts to put the cheese on the Krabby Patty. He then kicks the door open, Phil in his arms. The crowd gasps. The cheese on the Krabby Patty sparkles.)
SpongeBob: Order up.
(The crowd lifts SpongeBob up on their shoulders.)
Crowd: Three cheers for the manager! Hip! Hip! *HONK!* Hip! Hip! *HONK!* Hip! Hip! *HOOOONNNKKK!!!
(We now see SpongeBob in his Pineapple home's bedroom. He turns off his honking foghorn alarm clock.)
SpongeBob: Hooray! Gary! I had that dream again! And it's finally going to come true!
(He runs over to his calendar.)
SpongeBob: Today! Sorry about this, calendar.
(He tears off the calendar page for the day before to reveal "March 7". On the page, it has a picture of the Krusty Krab with rainbows and hearts around it.)
SpongeBob: Because today is the grand-opening ceremony for the Krusty Krab 2, where Mr. Krabs will announce the new manager!
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Who's it gonna be, Gary!
(He chuckles to himself.)
SpongeBob: Well, let's ask my wall of 374 consecutive "Employee of the Month" awards!
(The screen pans out to reveal hundreds of employee-of-the-month photos on the wall.)
SpongeBob Photos: SpongeBob SquarePants!!!
SpongeBob: I'm ready! Promotion!
(SpongeBob leaps offscreen into his bathroom, where he wears flippers and an innertube. He gets up on a stool and eats a bar of soap. Then, he takes a hose and sticks it into his top pore. He inflates, and then suds come out of his pores. After that, he walks into his closet through a "door" in the foam, where he gets dressed by folding a flat pair of SquarePants into a cube. He looks into the mirror and the back of his pants fly open revealing his yellow behind. He covers it up and scuttles off. Then, he goes back into the bathroom. He has a toothbrush with two bristles, and a double tube of toothpaste. He then uses it to brush his eyes.)
SpongeBob: Cleansliness is next to managerliness.
(He goes outside and runs around.)
SpongeBob: I'm ready. Promotion. I'm ready. Promotion.
(In Squidward's Easter Island Head house, he's singing in the shower while brushing himself. Suddenly, another brush appears, scrubbing him, too. And then, a second voice starts singing. We then see that it's SpongeBob wearing a shower cap like Squidward. Squidward notices him.)
Squidward: SpongeBob! What are you doing in here!?!
SpongeBob: I have to tell you something, Squidward.
Squidward: Whatever it is, can't it wait until we get to work!?!
SpongeBob: There's no shower at work.
Squidward: What do you want!?!
SpongeBob: I just wanted to say I'll be thanking you in my managerial acceptance speech today.
Squidward: GET OUT!!!
(He kicks SpongeBob out the window, breaking it.)
SpongeBob: Okay, I'll see you at the ceremony.
(Patrick's rock opens, with a naked Patrick on the bottom of it.)
Patrick: That sounds like the manager of the new Krusty Krab 2!
(Pat looks down and sees that he's nude.)
Patrick: Oops. Hold on.
(His rock closes, then reopens with Patrick dressed in his usual pair of green shorts.)
Patrick: Congratulations, buddy.
SpongeBob: Oh, thanks, Patrick. And tonight, after my big promotion, we're gonna party ‘till we're purple!
Patrick: I love being purple!!!
SpongeBob: We're going to the place where all the action is.
Patrick: (Sweating) You don't mean…?
SpongeBob: Oh, I mean...
Both: Goofy Goober's Ice Cream Party Boat!!!
(Again the rock closes, and then reopens. SpongeBob and Patrick are now dressed in plastic sailor hats with a peanut on top with the initials "GG" on them. A record player plays "The Goofy Goober Theme Song")
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Oh, I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah!
You're a Goofy Goober, yeah!
we're all Goofy Goobers, yeah!
Goofy, goofy, uber goobers, yeah!
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(Sponge checks his watch and gasps.)
SpongeBob: I'd better get going!
(He runs down the street and his Goofy Goober hat flies off. He starts singing much faster.)
SpongeBob: I'm ready. Promotion. I'm ready. Promotion.
Patrick: Good luck, SpongeBob! And look for me at the ceremony! I got a little surprise for you! I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah…
(Cut to a crowd similar to the one in SpongeBob's dream gathered around The Krusty Krab 2 and Perch Perkins. A "Bikini Bottom News" logo is at the bottom right corner of the screen.)
Perch Perkins: Hello, Bikini Bottom! Perch Perkins here, coming to you live from in front of the Krusty Krab restaurant, for years the only place to get a delicious and mouthwatering Krabby Patty.
(As he says this, a Krabby Patty appears onscreen.)
Perch Perkins: Until today, that is. That's right, folks. Longtime owner Mr. Krabs is opening a new restaurant called the Krusty Krab 2!
(We see the Krusty Krab 2, and Mr. Krabs comes up to the camera, smiling at everyone. They cheer.)
Perch Perkins: First of all, congratulations, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Hello. I like money.
Perch Perkins: What inspired you to build a second Krusty Krab right next door to the original?
Mr. Krabs: Money.
(Everyone laughs. Now we see a telescope coming from the Chum Bucket.)
Plankton: Curses! It's not fair! Krabs is being interviewed by Perch Perkins, and I've never even had one customer!
(His voice echos. Plankton clenches his fists and eyes shut and strains in anger. Karen, Plankton's computer wife moves over to him, as she has been plugged in into a mobile monitor base.)
Karen: Don't get worked up again, Plankton. I just mopped the floors.
Plankton: Oh, Karen, my computer wife, if only I could have managed to steal the secret to Krabs' success, the formula for the Krabby Patty.
(He imagines it, and tries to grab it, but it disappears.)
Plankton: Then people would line up to eat at my restaurant! Lord knows I've tried.
(Karen follows him into his lab, where he opens his "Evil Plans" drawer in his filing cabinet.)
Plankton: I've exhausted every evil plan in my filing cabinet from A to Y.
Karen: A to Y?
Plankton: Yeah, A to Y. You know, the alphabet.
Karen: What about Z?
Plankton: Z?
Karen: Z... The letter after Y...
Plankton: W, X, Y… Plan Z! Here it is! Just like you said!
(Karen rolls her "eyes" as Plankton pulls the folder out.)
Karen: Oh boy.
(Plankton reads the plan, which unfolds like a pin-up.)
Plankton: Oh... Oh... Oh... It's evil! It's diabolical! (He sniffs it.) It's lemon-scented! This Plan Z can't possibly fail!!!
(Plankton leaves the Chum Bucket.)
Plankton: So enjoy today, Mr. Krabs, because by tomorrow, I'll have the formula! Then everyone will eat at the Chum Bucket, and I will rule the world!!! All hail Plankton! All hail Plank-
(SpongeBob steps on him, on his way to the ceremony.)
Plankton: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
SpongeBob: I'm ready! Promotion! I'm ready! Promotion!
(He stops and looks at his shoe.)
SpongeBob: Ew, I think I stepped in something.
(He scrapes his show on the ground, smearing Plankton onto it as Plankton screams.)
Plankton: Not in something; on someone, you twit!
(SpongeBob looks at his shoe.)
SpongeBob: Oh. Sorry, Plankton.
(He pulls Plankton off his shoe)
SpongeBob: Are you on your way to the grand-opening ceremony?
Plankton: (Mimicking SpongeBob) No, I am not on my way over to the grand-opening ceremony. I'm busy planning to rule the world!
(He laughs evilly, and SpongeBob stares. Awkward scilence.)
SpongeBob: Well, good luck with that. I'm ready, promotion! I'm ready, promotion!... (He leaves)
Plankton: Stupid kid.
(Later, we are at the ceremony. Mr. Krabs stands in front of a large audience on a stage, a podium in front of him.)
Mr. Krabs: Welcome! Welcome, everyone, to the grand opening of the Krusty Krab 2! (The crowd claps.)
Mrs. Puff: We paid nine dollars for this?
Sandy: I paid ten!
Mr. Krabs: Now, before we begin the ribbon cutting, I'd like to announce the name of our new manager.
(The crowd claps and SpongeBob cheers. Krabs clears his throat.)
Mr. Krabs: Yes, well, anyway… The new manager is a loyal, hard-working employee.
SpongeBob: (In his mind) Yes…
Mr. Krabs: The obvious choice for the job.
SpongeBob: (in his mind) He's right.
Mr. Krabs: A name you all know, it starts with an "S".
SpongeBob: (In his mind) That's me!
Mr. Krabs: Please welcome our new manager… Squidward Tentacles!
(A Squidward banner unfurls. SpongeBob explodes with happiness.)
SpongeBob: YES! YEAH!!!
(Shakes Squidward's hand)
SpongeBob: Oh, better luck next time, buddy! WOO-HOO-HOO!!!
(He goes up on stage to make a speech. The perplexed crowd watches SpongeBob start to speak.)
SpongeBob: People of Bikini Bottom, as the manger of...
Mr. Krabs: Uh… SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Hold the phone, folks, I'm getting an important news flash from Mr. Krabs. Go ahead, Mr. K.
(Krabs whispers something to SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: I'm making a complete what of myself?
(Krabs continues whispering)
SpongeBob: The most embarrassing thing you've ever seen?
(Krabs whispers again.)
SpongeBob: And now it's worse because I'm repeating everything you say into the microphone?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, for crying out loud, SpongeBob, you didn't get the job!
SpongeBob: What?
Mr. Krabs: You... did... not... get... the job.
SpongeBob: What…? But why?
Mr. Krabs: Aw, SpongeBob, you're a great fry cook, but I gave the job to Squidward because being manager is a big responsibility. And, well... Let's face it, he's more, uh… mature than you.
SpongeBob: I'm not... mature?
Mr. Krabs: Ah, lad, I mean this in the nicest of ways, but there's a word for what you are and that word is… uh… let's see, now...
Fish #3: Dork?
Mr. Krabs: No, wait, that's not right. Not a dork.
Pearl: A goofball?
Mr. Krabs: Closer, but no, no, no.
Fish #4: A ding-a-ling?
Fish #5: Wing nut!
Old Lady: A knucklehead McSpazatron!
Mr. Krabs: OK! That's enough! Look, what I'm trying to say is, you're just a kid. And to be a manager, you have to be a man. Otherwise they'd call it kidager. You understandager? I mean… you understand?
SpongeBob: …I guess so, Mr. Krabs.
(SpongeBob walks down the street and into the sunset.)
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: I'm ready... Depression. I'm ready... Depression...
Mr. Krabs: Poor kid.
Patrick: Hooray for SpongeBob!
(The crowd looks up, and we see our favorite starfish... perhaps too much of him ...fly down naked holding a parachute. He has a flag in his butt with "SpongeBob" written on it. He crashes into the stage, and Mr. Krabs dives out of the way just in time. Everyone leaves, and Patrick tears through the Squidward poster.)
Patrick: Let's hear it for SpongeBob! Hello? Where'd everybody go?
(Cut to the reef the Bikini Bottom sign is planted in, with smoke billowing from the town.)
Patrick: Did I miss something? Did you see my butt?
Narrator: Later that evening…
(Plankton flies out over Bikini Bottom wearing a helmet with a propeller backpack.)
Plankton: Time to put Plan Z into effect, starting at the undersea castle of King Neptune.
(We see a large sand castle. He flies into one of the castle windows. He is too tiny for them to detect. He watches King Neptune and Mindy enter and sit in their thrones and start what appears to be a trial. The squire plays music on his trumpet. When he stops, Neptune hits him on the head with his trident.)
Squire: Oh, right. The royal court is now in session. Bring the prisoner forward.
(Two guards do so.)
King Neptune: So, you have confessed to the crime of touching the king's crown.
Fish #6: Yes, but-
King Neptune: BUT WHAT!?!
Fish #6: But, it's my job, Your Highness. I'm the royal crown polisher.
King Neptune: Well, then, I guess I can't execute you. Twenty years in the dungeon it is.
Mindy: Daddy! You are free to go. (She uncuffs the crown polisher.)
Crown Polisher: Bless you, Princess Mindy.
(He runs away to find a new job.)
King Neptune: Mindy! How dare you defy me!
Mindy: But why do you have to be so mean?
King Neptune: I am the king! I must enforce the laws of the sea.
Mindy: Father, I wish you'd try a little love and compassion instead of these harsh punishments.
Squire: That would be nice...
(Neptune hits him with his trident again.)
King Neptune: Squire! Clear the room. I wish to speak with my daughter alone.
(Without a word from the squire, everyone leaves in less than 2 seconds. Neptune takes off his crown, revealing him to be bald.)
King Neptune: What is this, Mindy?
Mindy: Your crown?
King Neptune: And what does this crown do?
Mindy: Covers your bald spot!
King Neptune: It's not bald! It's... This crown does much more than cover a slightly receding hairline.
(He puts the crown on a cushion and rubs his head, viewing it in the mirror.)
King Neptune: No, this crown entitles the one who wears it to be in charge of the sea.
(Plankton peeks out from behind the crown and laughs evilly.)
King Neptune: One day, you will wear this crown.
Mindy: (Alarmed) I'm gonna be bald!?!
King Neptune: Thinning!!! Anyway, the point is, you won't wear it until you learn how to rule with an iron fist...
(He puts the cushion on his head instead of the crown, which is gone.)
King Neptune: Like your father.
Mindy: Uh, Dad, your "crown"…? (Neptune takes the cushion off his head to see that the crown is missing.)
King Neptune: What the…? My crown!! SOMEONE HAS STOLEN THE ROYAL CROWN!!!
(Cut to the castle, as Plankton flies away from it with the crown.)
Plankton: I got it! I got it!
(He flies past The Goofy Goober's Ice Cream Party Boat. It is a peanut-themed ice cream parlor with an arcade, stage, and nut bar. Everyone is wearing the Goofy Goober hats, eating ice cream at tables in front of the stage. Waiters wear giant peanut masks. A A clock with a face on the wall proclaims the coming of the Goofy Goober.)
Clock: Hey, all you Goobers, it's time to say "Howdy!" to your favorite undersea peanut, Goofy Goober!
(A vaudeville hatted peanut man is revealed when the curtains part, holding a giant and oversized lollypop microphone.)
All: Howdy, Goofy Goober!
Goofy Goober: Hey, fellow Goofy Goobers! It's time to sing!
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Oh, I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah!
You're a Goofy Goober, yeah!
we're all Goofy Goobers, yeah!
Goofy, goofy, uber goobers, yeah!
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(Meanwhile, SpongeBob cries in the Nut Bar.)
SpongeBob: Alright, get it together, old boy... I know. I'll just stop thinking about it... Hey, you know, I actually feel a little better. I don't even remember why I was sad.
(Patrick walks up.)
Patrick: Hey, it's the new Krusty Krab 2 manager!
(SpongeBob starts bawling as Patrick sits down.)
Patrick: Wow, the pressure's already setting in.
SpongeBob: No, Pat, you don't understand. I didn't get the promotion.
Patrick: What? Why!?!
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs thinks I'm a kid.
Patrick: What!?! That's insane!!!
SpongeBob: I know.
Patrick: Well, saying you're a kid, it's like saying I'm a kid!
(A grumpy waiter walks over, putting down a tray with a burger and soda.)
Waiter: Here's your Goober Meal, sir.
Patrick: I'm supposed to get a toy with this.
(He throws a Goofy Goober sticker at him.)
Patrick: Thanks.
(SpongeBob sighs.)
SpongeBob: I'm gonna head home, Pat. The celebration's off.
Patrick: Are you sure?
SpongeBob: Yeah. I'm not in a Goober mood.
(He walks off when the waiter gives Patrick a giant ice cream sundae with an M&M smiley face, banana ears and hat, and chocolate sundae sauce hair.)
Patrick: Okay. See yah.
Waiter: And here's your Triple Gooberberry Sunrise, sir.
(SpongeBob stops dead in his tracks and darts back over to the ice cream bar near Patrick.)
SpongeBob: Triple Gooberberry Sunrise, huh? I guess I could use one of those.
(He climbs onto the stool and Patrick pats his back.)
Patrick: Now you're talking. Hey, waiter, we need another one over here!
(The waiter brings one over to SpongeBob.)
Waiter: There you go.
SpongeBob: (Admiring it.) Ooohhh!!!
(SpongeBob and Patrick slurp their ice cream and the left-overs fly onto the waiter. They belch obnoxiously.)
SpongeBob: Boy, Pat, that hit the spot. I'm feeling better already.
Patrick: Well, yeah!
(SpongeBob taps the table a few times with his fist.)
SpongeBob: Waiter, let's get another round over here!
(The waiter brings two more over and SpongeBob and Patrick devour it like the first.)
SpongeBob: Oh, Mr. Waiter! Two more, please!
(He sets them on the counter and the two friends cheer and devour it, getting even more ice cream on the waiter.)
SpongeBob: Waiter!?!
(We see the waiter, completely submerged in their ice cream. SpongeBob keeps calling for him.)
SpongeBob: Waiter? Way-tor!?! (Angrilly) Waiter!!!
Waiter: Why do I always get the nuts?
(Plops another soup of ice cream in a dish in an attempt to craft anothe Triple Gooberberry Sunrise. After eating 47 each, SpongeBob & Patrick are on stage with the Goofy Goober are on the stage, and SpongeBob speaks into the lollipop microphone.)
SpongeBob: Alright, folks, this one goes out to my two bestest friends in the whole world: Patrick, and this big peanut guy. It's a little ditty called...
Both: "Waaaaaiiittteeeeer!"
(The delusioned SpongeBob and Patrick pass out, bringing Goofy Goober to the floor with them. SpongeBob wakes up the next morning slowly. The waiter is looking down at him.)
Waiter: Hey. Hey, get up. Hey, come on, buddy. I wanna go home.
(We see SpongeBob, minus one shoe, and a loose sock. His tie hands down below his pants. He is much paler, has a stubble, and has purple, crusty eyes. He struggles to a seated position.)
SpongeBob: Oh, my head...
Waiter: Listen to me. It's eight in the morning. Go scrape up your friend and get going.
SpongeBob: My... (Belch) Friend?
(He looks over to Patrick, his head shielded by a table, snoring loudly.)
SpongeBob: Patrick! Hey, what's up, buddy?
(He falls over.)
SpongeBob: Wait! You said eight ‘o' clock! I'm late for work. Mr. Krabs is gonna be...
(His face droops into a sour expression, which looks particuarilly evil under his red, bloodshot eyes.)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!
(4 hours later, at the Krusty Krab 2, we see Mr. Krabs pin a "Manager" card on Squidward's shirt. We see we're in Squidward's office.)
Mr. Krabs: Now, pay attention, Squidward. As new manager, you've gotta keep a sharp eye out for paying customers.
Squidward: Yawn.
(Mr. Krabs spies King Neptune next to Mindy in a seahorse-drawn sea shell carriage with sand dollar wheels through the periscope. King Neptune's head sports a paper lunch bag.)
Mr. Krabs: What's this? King Neptune riding toward the Krusty Krab at lunchtime? He's got money!
(Mr. Krabs' eyes become dollar signs. Neptune's squire parks outside the Krusty Krab 2 and Neptune gets out.)
King Neptune: Stay in the coach, Daughter. This won't take long.
Mindy: Daddy, please. I think you're overreacting.
King Neptune: Silence, Mindy. I know what I'm doing.
(He turns and hits the Krusty Krab sign pole.)
King Neptune: Ow! Squire?
(The squire runs up to King Neptune.)
Squire: Yes, Your Highness?
Mr. Krabs: Have this pole executed at once.
(We see Mr. Krabs ammending the menu, so his alterations make the prices higher.)
Squidward: A hundred and one dollars for a Krabby Patty!?!
Mr. Krabs: With cheese, Mr. Squidward, with cheese.
(King Neptune enters and the squire blows into his trumpet. Krabs wheels around excitedly.)
King Neptune: Greetings, subjects. I seek the one known as Eugene Krabs. May he present himself to me at once.
(He taps the floor with his trident.)
Mr. Krabs: I'm Eugene Krabs, Your Highness. Would you like to order something?
(The wrath of Neptune shows, and lightning flashes.)
King Neptune: Nay!!! I'm on to you, Krabs! You have stolen the royal crown, you cannot deny. For, clever as you are, you left one damning piece of evidence at the scene... Of the crime!!!
(He reaches into his robe and pulls out a sheet of notebook paper. Mr. Krabs reads it.)
Mr. Krabs: "I stole your crown. Signed..." Eugene Krabs!?!
King Neptune: Relinquish the royal crown to me at once!
(He aims his trident towards Krabs in his fury.)
Mr. Krabs: But-but this is crazy! I didn't do it!
(The phone rings, and the answering machine picks up.)
Answering Machine Krabs: Ahoy, this is Eugene Krabs. Leave a message.
Answering Machine Fish: Hi, Mr. Krabs. This is Clay, the guy you sold Neptune's crown to. Yeah, I just wanted to say thanks again for selling me the crown. Neptune's crown. I sold it to a guy in Shell City, and I just wanted to say thanks again for selling me the crown. Neptune's crown.
(Mr. Krabs taps the phone nervously in attempt for it to stop, while smiling weakly at Neptune, who grimaces back. He then pulls the phone out of the wall, unplugging it, and destroys it. However, the message still plays.)
Answering Machine Fish: Which is now in Shell City. Goodbye.
(Mr. Krabs is speechless, and laughs nervously.)
Mr. Krabs: Whew! Don't you just hate wrong numbers?
King Neptune: My crown is in the forbidden Shell City!?!
(He screams continually, without stop. Plankton is outside using the pay phone. He hears King Neptune's incessant screaming and giggles.)
Plankton: Plan Z, I love Plan Z.
(King Neptune stops his excessive bellowing and points his scepter in Krabs' direction again.)
King Neptune: Prepare to burn, Krabs!
(The trident ignites and begins to flame.)
Mr. Krabs: Wait, Neptune! Please, I'm beggin' ya! I ain't a crook! Ask anyone, they'll vouch for me!
King Neptune: Very well, then.
(He raises his trident and the fire burns out with a sizzle.)
King Neptune: Before I turn this conniving crustacean into fish meal, who here has anything to say about Eugene Krabs?
(A loud burp turns everyone's attention to SpongeBob, still in his stupor.)
SpongeBob: I've got something to say about Mr.... (Belches) ...Krabs!
(The spongey drunkard staggers over to Mr. Krabs, and on his way, he uses Neptune's slippery tail for support.)
SpongeBob: (Slurred) Oh, pardon me, miss.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, me boy, you've come just in time! Please, tell King Neptune all about me.
SpongeBob: I have worked for Mr. Krabs for ma- (Burps) -any years and always thought he was a great boss!
(He swirls his finger in the air and pumps his arm enthusiasticly.)
Mr. Krabs: You see? A great boss!
SpongeBob: I now realize that he's a great big jerk!!! I deserved that manager job! But you didn't give it to me, because you say I'm a kid! Well, I am 100% man, and this man has got something to say to you!
(He takes a deep breath and blows a raspberry.)
SpongeBob: Pfffffffffffffftttttttttttt!!! Pfft! There. I think I made my point.
King Neptune: Anyone else? No? Well, then.
(He blast Mr. Krabs, boosting him up, and causing him to ricochet off of the walls. SpongeBob snaps out of his drunken phase.)
SpongeBob: Huh!?!
Mr. Krabs: Me pants are on fire! Me underwear's on fire! I'm on fire!
(He dives into a mop bucket and cools off.)
Mr. Krabs: Oh, yeah...
(Neptune lifts his trident once more.)
King Neptune: And now, Eugene Krabs, you will- Naah!!!
(We see SpongeBob gripping onto Neptune's nose.)
SpongeBob: Wait!
(King Neptune pulls him off and SpongeBob falls into his palm.)
SpongeBob: I'm flattered that you would do this on my account, but being manager isn't worth killing Mr. Krabs over.
King Neptune: Quiet, fool! Mr. Krabs stole my crown, and now it's in Shell City! That's why he must die.
SpongeBob: Doesn't it seem a little harsh to kill someone over a crown?
King Neptune: You don't understand. That crown is a symbol of my king-like authority. And between you and me... my hair is thinning a bit.
SpongeBob: Oh, Your Highness, I'm sure it's not that noticabl... Bald! Bald!
(King Neptune removes his paper crown to reveal his shiny bald spot.)
SpongeBob: Bald! Bald!
All: Bald! Bald! Bald! Bald!
Fish #6 (Fred): My eyes!
(King Neptune puts the bag back on.)
King Neptune: Alright, alright.
SpongeBob: Uh, King Neptune, sir? Would you spare Mr. Krabs' life if I went to get your crown back?
King Neptune: You? Go to Shell City?
(His eyes bug out and he bellylaughs.)
King Neptune: No one who's gone to Shell City has ever returned. What makes you think you could? You're just a kid.
(He tosses SpongeBob onto the floor.)
SpongeBob: But I'm not a kid! I can do it!
King Neptune: Run along, I have a crab to cook.
(He points his fiery trident at Krabs once again, but SpongeBob blocks Krabs.)
SpongeBob: No! I won't let you!
King Neptune: Very well, then. I'll have to fry you both!!!
(Mindy swims up behind the King of the Sea and startles him.)
Mindy: Daddy, stop it. Can't you get through one day without executing someone?
King Neptune: Mindy, I told you to stay in the carriage.
Mindy: Where's your love and compassion?
(She holds SpongeBob, who has a cute expression on his face.)
Mindy: Look at this little guy. He's willing to risk his life to find your crown to save his boss.
King Neptune: But, daughter, I-
Mindy: Please, Father? At least let him try. What have you got to lose? Might I remind you of your special problem?
(She lifts the paper bag off again, and squints to see, while turning in the other direction to sheild her eyes.)
All: Bald! Bald! Bald!
Fish #6 (Fred): My eyes!
(Neptune pushes the bag back on again.)
King Neptune: All right! Very well, Mindy. I'll give him a chance. But when your little champion fails to return, I get to splatter this crab all over the wall!
(Krabs' shock covers his former expression of happiness. Neptune points at SpongeBob.)
King Neptune: And as for you, be back here with my crown in exactly ten days.
(Patrick pops up out of nowhere.)
Patrick: He can do it in 9!
King Neptune: 8.
Patrick: 7!
King Neptune: 6!
SpongeBob & Mr. Krabs: Patrick!
(SpongeBob and Krabs attack Patrick.)
King Neptune: Six it is, then.
(Mr. Krabs is strangling Patrick, who tries to speak through his twisted throat.)
Patrick: Five...
SpongeBob: Patrick, shush!
King Neptune: Until then, the crab shall remain frozen where he now stands.
Mr. Krabs: No, wait! I'm begging ya!
(King Neptune freezes Mr. Krabs with his trident. Krabs is now like in ice sculpture. His hands are in the air, and his tongue is sticking out. Squidward has not been paying attention, but instead was reading a magazine at the ordering boat. He finally acknowledges his surroundings.)
Squidward: Who turned on the AC? AH! Mr. Krabs!
(He runs over to Mr. Krabs and taps his ice shell.)
Squidward: Oh, no! This is terrible! Who's gonna sign my paycheck?
King Neptune: Come along, Mindy.
(King Neptune exits the restaurant as Mindy swims over to SpongeBob and Patrick.)
Mindy: Listen, you guys, the road to Shell City is really dangerous. There's crooks, killers, and monsters everywhere! And what's worse, there's a giant Cyclops who guards the outskirts of the city and preys on innocent sea creatures! Don't let him catch you, because if he does, he'll take you back to his lair, and you'll never be seen again!
(SpongeBob is afraid, but Patrick's eyes are glazed over as he stares at Mindy, obviously infatuated with her.)
Patrick: She's purdy, SpongeBob.
(Mindy hands SpongeBob a sack.)
Mindy: Here, take this.
SpongeBob: What's in here?
(As Spongebob glances into the sack, a gust of wind blows his facial features upward. Mindy closes the bag.)
Mindy: It's a magical bag of winds. I stole them from my father.
(She tightens a rope around the sack.)
Patrick: You're hot.
Mindy: Once you find the crown, open the bag of winds and you'll be blown back home.
King Neptune: Mindy!
Mindy: I'm coming!
(Swims towards the double doors.)
Mindy: Good luck, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Wait! How did you know my name?
Mindy: Oh, I'm gonna be queen of the sea one day. I've learned the names of all the sea creatures.
Patrick: What's my name?
Mindy: That's easy. You're Patrick Star. (Patrick reddens and his cone-shaped teeth bulges as he giggles.)
King Neptune: Mindy!!!
Mindy: I gotta go. I believe in you guys.
(SpongeBob waves as she leaves the building. Patrick stands and continues to blush.)
SpongeBob: Thanks, Mindy!
(He walks over to Mr. Krabsicle.)
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. Patrick, Squidward, and I-
Squidward: Pass.
(Squidward walks out the door with his briefcase and tosses his Krusty Krew hat behind him.)
SpongeBob: Er, uh… Patrick and I-
Patrick: Hi.
SpongeBob: ...Are gonna get that crown back and save you from Neptune's wrath. You've got nothing to worry about. Your life is in our hands.
(Mr. Krabs' pupils dart over to see a drooling and fat SpongeBob and Patrick. He groans in agony.)
SpongeBob: Patrick, let's go get that crown.
(In a dramatic sequence, they run off to the kitchen, and slide down two poles to a storage room, and climb into an elevator, where the suspenceful music becomes elevator music. They arrive in the Krusty Krab basement to show the other half of the barrel-shaped Krusty Krab. They run through a doorframe in a wall that supports shelves, posters, and a dartboard. Then, they run up to the camera in a big close-up. We can see sweat droplets forming and freckles and pimples on the duo's faces.)
SpongeBob: Feast your eyes, Patrick.
Patrick: What is it?
(Spotlights illuminate the room that holds a large Krabby Patty with pickle wheels.)
SpongeBob: The Patty Wagon. Mr. Krabs uses it for promotional reasons. Let me show you some of its features.
(Slides his hand around the top.)
SpongeBob: Sesame-seed finish...
(Shows Patrick the pickle tires.)
SpongeBob: ...Steel-belted pickles...
(Gestures to the brown leather seats wih grill marks on them.)
SpongeBob: ...Grilled leather interior...
(He raises the hood. Underneath is a deep frier.)
SpongeBob: ...And under the hood, a fuel-injected french-frier with dual overhead grease traps.
Patrick: Wow.
SpongeBob: Yeah. Wow.
(SpongeBob and Patrick jump into the Patty Wagon.)
Patrick: Hey, I thought you didn't have a driver's license.
SpongeBob: You don't need a license to drive a sandwich.
(He uses a spatula as a key, and shifts the car into gear by using the soda cup shifter. The wagon smashes out of the side of the Krusty Krab 2, and the scene freezes. "KER-PATTY!!!" appears in an action bubble where the explosion was. The bottom bun lands, followed by the patty, lettuce & cheese and top bun. The duo drives away in the Patty Wagon.)
Both: Shell City, here we come!
(Back at the Krusty Krab 2, Plankton bursts through the double doors, triggering the entrance chimes at the top of the door.)
Plankton: Ding-a-ling! Hey there, old buddy. Freeze!
(Plankton chuckles, then hops up onto Mr. Krabs' frozen tongue so they see eye-to-eye.)
Plankton: One secret formula to go, please. No, no, don't trouble yourself. I'll get it.
(He dashes into the kitchen, where we hear clinking noices and emerges with the message-in-a-bottle formula.)
Plankton: Well, I'd like to hang around, but I've got Krabby Patties to make. Over at the Chum Bucket!
(Laughs evilly.)
Plankton: Plan Z, I love yah!
(He kicks his heels on his way out of the Krusty Krab and back to the Chum Bucket. A frozen tear slides across Krabs' face and onto the floor. Meanwhile, SpongeBob and Patrick sing the Goofy Goober theme as it plays on the radio to pass the time as they drive. They stop at "Last Chance Gas Station" right before the country line. Past the county line, Bikini Bottom's beautiful landscape is replaced by barren locations. SpongeBob is wearind an aviator's outfit at the wheel and honks his horn to wake up the two hick gas station attendants, Floyd and Lloyd.)
SpongeBob: Fill ‘er up, please.
Floyd: What'll it be, fellas? Mustard, er ketchup?
(Floyd and Lloyd slap their knees and crack up, rocking in their chairs.)
Patrick: Are they laughing at us?
SpongeBob: No, Patrick, they're laughing next to us.
(Floyd and Lloyd continue to laugh as they advance towards the Patty wagon. Then, Lloyd bends down and Floyd uses him for support.)
Floyd: Where you two dumb kids headed, anyway?
Patrick: Kids!?!
SpongeBob: Now, Patrick. For your information, we are not kids, we are men. And we're off to get King Neptune's crown in Shell City.
Floyd & Lloyd: Shell City?
Lloyd: Ain't that the place guarded by a killer Cyclops?
SpongeBob: That's right.
(Floyd solemnly takes his hat off and puts it over his heart.)
Floyd: Lloyd, take off your hat in respect.
(Lloyd does the same.)
Floyd: ...Respect for the dead!
(The two "nyuk" and slap their knees again.)
Floyd: You two dipsticks ain't gonna last ten seconds over the county line!
SpongeBob: Oh yeah? We'll see about that.
(He drives the Patty Wagon accross the line, and upon doing so, he encounters a giant purple fish with a crowbar and ski mask on.)
Thug #1: Out of the car, fellas.
(SpongeBob and Patrick hop out of the car with thier luggage. The thug takes the Burger-Mobile and Drives away.)
SpongeBob: How many seconds was that?
(Lloyd checks his watch.)
Lloyd: Twelve...
SpongeBob & Patrick: In your face!
(SpongeBob and Patrick slap their knees and laugh like the hillbillies, who don't seem to care. Patrick makes a loud noise with a blowhorn.)
Patrick: Who's the kid now?
(SpongeBob runs around Patrick and flaps his wings like a chicken as Patrick continues to honk the aerosol can.)
Floyd: They're dead.
(SpongeBob and Patrick continue their laughing as they walk down the road. They give each other a high-five, and Patrick honks his can once more. Cut to Perch Perkins with a microphone in front of the Chum Bucket, with big arrow signs lined with lightbulbs that have pictures of Krabby Patties on them and say "Krabby Patties!", "!", "Yummy!", "Here", "Now", and more. All signs point down to the Chum Bucket.)
Perch Perkins: Perch Perkins here with an incredible news flash. Plankton is selling Krabby Patties at the Chum Bucket. How is this possible? Let's find out.
(He ducks out of the camera's view and appears next to Plankton inside the dining room of the newly-refurbished Chum Bucket. It has been repainted and Krabby Patty lights now hang from the ceiling. There is a line in front of the red ordering window where Krabby Patties slide out from on a conveyor belt. Above the window it says "Order Up". Plankton is on a ladder talking through a megaphone.)
Plankton: Step right up, there's plenty for everybody!
Perch Perkins: Excuse me, Plankton. Perch Perkins with the Bikini Bottom News. Can I get a minute?
(Plankton drops his megaphone and pretends to adore Perch Perkins.)
Plankton: Anything for you, Perch.
Perch Perkins: All of Bikini Bottom wants to know, how did you get the Krabby Patty?
Plankton: Well, Perch, before my dear friend Eugene Krabs was frozen by King Neptune...
(He pretends to stifle a cry.)
Plankton: I'm sorry.
(He struggles to continue.)
Plankton: ...He confided in me a secret wish. "Sell the Krabby Patty in my absence at the Chum Bucket," he said. "Don't let the flame die out!"
(He feigns sobbing, but immediately brightens up.)
Plankton: By the way, act now and you get a free Chum Bucket Bucket Helmet with every purchase! Here you go, Perch.
(He places a Bucket Helmet that has been slightly modified since "Welcome to the Chum Bucket" on Perch Perkin's head.)
Perch Perkins: Thanks!
Plankton: Bucket helmets for everyone!
(He pulls a rope, causing the ceiling to open, and a pile of buckets to come down. The customers excitedly wear them. Plankton enters his laboratory/kitchen excitedly and proceeds to talk to Karen.)
Plankton: Woo! Karen, baby, I haven't felt this giddy since the day you agreed to be my wife.
Karen: I never agreed.
Plankton: Evil Plan Z is working perfectly. Nothing can stop me now.
Karen: Nothing except SpongeBob and his pink friend.
(Karen's screen shows SpongeBob and Patrick walking down the road and high-fiving each other. Then, it fades.)
Karen: My censors indicate that they're going after the crown. If they make it back, Neptune might discover some fingerprints. Tiny fingerprints. Stubby, tiny fingerprints.
(Plankton stares down at his little arms.)
Plankton: Evil Plan Z is way ahead of you, baby. I've already hired someone to take care of those two. He's a vicious, cold-blooded predator!
(We see a biker driving down the road: a tall, green barracuda with a tall, black cowboy hat and a black leather jacket that has his name, Dennis, patched into the back. He wears a bandana over his mouth and his chopper has an "I-KILL-U" license plate. "Your Head Here" is printed on his boot, with an arrow pointing to the bottom of them. He pulls up to the "Last Chance Gas Station" and sees something on the ground. He takes off his sunglasses to look closer at what he found, to reveal another pair underneath.)
Dennis: Sesame seed...
Floyd: Hey, mister! Does that hat take ten gallons?
(The gas station attendants smack their knees and laugh more. Dennis stomps up to them and tears their lips off. The hillbillies looks at each other as Dennis drives away. Meanwhile, an exhausted SpongeBob and Patrick crawl down the road, sweaty and tired, but still cheering. Patrick's blowhorn stops working and he tosses it behind him.)
Patrick: Are we there yet?
SpongeBob: We must be close now... Patrick, look!!!
(He points to a billboard and reads it.)
SpongeBob: Shell City's only five days away!
(Tumbleseaweed blows out of the way, revealing another two words. Patrick reads them.)
Patrick: ..."By car".
SpongeBob: I wish we still had our car.
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, look! Our car!
(He points to the Patty Wagon, parked outside of a tugboat saloon called "The Thug Tug." The two hold hands, and make an odd noise in joy before they run up to the Patty Wagon. SpongeBob gasps.)
SpongeBob: The key!
Patrick: Where do you think it is?
(A fish is kicked through one of the Thug Tug windows and lands next to SpongeBob and Patrick, with many broken bones. His leg twitches. The two look through the broken window, and see thugs fighting, becoming drunk, and playing pool. The inside is a disaster. Everything is cracked or splintered, and the dim lights make everything look red. "R.I.P." is written in spray paint on a wall with a corpse below it. They see the Patty Wagon theif playing pool with the golden spatula key hooked onto his belt.)
SpongeBob: There it is, Pat. The key! Now how are we gonna get it?
Patrick: I know. Walk in and ask him for it.
Thug #2: (From inside.) What are you looking at!?!
(We hear many punching noises and cries of pain.)
SpongeBob: Patrick, that's a terrible idea.
Patrick: Sorry.
SpongeBob: I know. I'll go in and create a distraction, and you get the key.
Patrick: Ooh! Ooh! Wait, I want to do the distraction!
SpongeBob: Okay... I guess it really doesn't matter who does the distraction.
(Patrick puffs out his chest as he bursts through the swinging doors, while SpongeBob crawls underneath them. Patrick clears his throat.)
Patrick: Ahem! Can I have everybody's attention?
(Everyone clusters around Patrick with angry expressions, ready for a fight.)
Patrick: ...I have to use the bathroom.
Thug #1: It's, uhh... Right over there.
(He points behind him and notices SpongeBob reaching for his key. SpongeBob looks up at him for a second before scuffing around on the ground, searching for something.)
SpongeBob: Stupid contact lens!
(He holds up an imaginary contact.)
SpongeBob: Oh, there it is. I better go wash it off!
(He runs off. Cut to the bathroom. Patrick is just finishing using the urinal. SpongeBob walks in.)
SpongeBob: Patrick! You call that a distraction?
(Patrick flushes the toilet.)
Patrick: I had to go to the bathroom.
SpongeBob: Well, I got my hands dirty for nothing.
(He pumps the soap dispenser, and the top is pushed off by pressure from bubbles forming inside of it.)
SpongeBob: Patrick, check it out!
(He pumps more.)
Patrick: Wow!
Both: Hooray! Bubble party!
(Bubbles float all around the bathroom and ragtime music plays as SpongeBob and Patrick dance with bubbles. Patrick juggles them, as SpongeBob gives him more to juggle. Then, SpongeBob lays on his side and balances one on his foot. Patrick balances one on his head. But one bubble drifts out the door and into the pub. Victor, the bartender sees it.)
Victor: Hey! Who blew this bubble?
(Victor punches it, and it pops.)
Victor: You all know the rules!
All: All bubble-blowing babies will be beaten senseless by every able-bodied patron in the bar.
Thug #3: (falling behind) ...bar.
Victor: That's right! So who blew it?
(SpongeBob and Patrick pop all of their bubbles.)
Victor: So... Nobody knows?
Thug #3: Maybe it was-
Victor: Shut up.
(He throws a chair at Thug #3.)
Victor: Somebody in here ain't a real man.
(SpongeBob and Patrick attempt to sneak out, but Victor sees them.)
Victor: You! We're on a baby hunt, and don't think we don't know how to weed them out. Now everybody line up!
(Everyone gets in a line shoulder-to-shoulder.)
Victor: DJ! Time for the test.
(A DJ gives the thumbs-up to Victor and plays a CD.)
Victor: No baby can resist singing along to this!
Patrick: (Nervously) SpongeBob, it's the Goofy Goober theme song!
SpongeBob: (In a raspy voice) I know!
(Victor walks down the line to see the patron's responces to the songs. One Thug coughs.)
Victor: It was you! You're the baby!
Thug #4: No, no! I only coughed, I swear!
(Victor points with two fingers from his eyes to the thug's to show that he's watching him. Then, he walks on. Thug #4 sighs in relief.)
Victor: DJ! Turn it up louder!
(SpongeBob and Patrick struggle as the DJ blares the Goofy Goober Theme Some even louder.)
SpongeBob: Don't sing along, Patrick!
Patrick: I'm trying! Trying so hard!
(Victor comes over and provokes them.)
Victor: (Not actually singing, but teasing.) I'm a Goofy Goober, YEAH! You're a Goofy Goober, YEAH! We're all Goofy Goobers, YEAH!
(SpongeBob and Patrick are about to sing along when two connected Siamese twin fish do before they do. We hear a disc scratch and the song stops. Victor laughs.)
Victor: Well, well, well!
(He walks over to the twins.)
Victor: Which one of you babies was it?
(The two thug twins point at each other.)
Thugs #5&6: It was him! ...Uh, he did it! I've never even eaten at Goofy, Goofy, Goobers, Goobers, yeah!
(They cover each others' mouths.)
Victor: Well, looks like we got ourselves a double baby.
(The thugs surround the twins, crack their knuckles, and lunge at them in unison. SpongeBob and Patrick escape the Thug Tug.)
SpongeBob: Man, that was a close call.
Patrick: Guess what I got?
(He pulls the spatula-key out.)
SpongeBob: The key!!! Shhh...
(Cut to the Patty Wagon rolling down the street as it becomes night. The next morning, we see a shot of Squidward's house in Bikini Bottom. The background music is clarinet playing. Squidward opens his window and breaks the fourth wall by talking to the audience.)
Squidward: Too bad SpongeBob's not here to enjoy SpongeBob not being here.
(He laughs to himself and closes the window. Pan over to the side of his house, which opens like a garage door. Squidward comes out on a recumbent bicycle, a reference to how his voice actor, Rodger Bumpass, also rides a recumbant bike. He pedals down the road and past a fish wearing a Chum Bucket Bucket Helmet.)
Fish #7: Morning!
Squidward: Some people have no taste in headgear.
(He stops at an intersection, and glances at a husband and wife and with their baby in a stroller, showing it to another fish, who shakes a rattle at the giggling baby. All have helmets on.)
Squidward: Huh? Babies too?
(Squidward rides up to another person driving in her boat.)
Squidward: Uh, excuse me, miss, but where is everybody getting that horrid headwear?
Fish #8 (Evelyn): Who said that?
Squidward: Down here.
Fish #9 (Evelyn): Oh. Well, I got it at the Chum Bucket. Plankton's giving them away free with every Krabby Patty.
Squidward: Chum Bucket? ...Free? ...Krabby Patty? ...Plankton? ...Giving? ...With!?!
(Squidward bursts through the Chum Bucket double doors and runs up to Plankton on his ladder.)
Squidward: So, you're selling Krabby Patties, eh, Plankton?
Plankton: That's right, Squidward. And there's a free bucket helmet with every purchase. Care for one?
Squidward: No! You may have hoodwinked everyone else in this bathwater town, but you can't fool me. I listen to public radio.
Plankton: ...And what's that supposed to mean?
Squidward: It means you set up Mr. Krabs! You stole the crown so Neptune would freeze him and you could finally get your stubby little paws on the Krabby Patty formula.
(Plankton stares at his hands again.)
Squidward: It was you all along! But you made one fatal mistake: You messed with my paycheck! And I'm gonna report you to the highest authority in the land, King Neptune!
Plankton: We'll see about that, Inspector Looselips.
(He presses a button on Karen.)
Karen: Now activating helmet brain-control devices.
(A picture of a brain and the word "Control" appears on Karen's screen.)
Squidward: Huh?
(A radio tower jets out from the purple-gloved fist on the top of the Chum Bucket and sends radio waves through all of Bikini Bottom. Radio antennas shoot up from the Bucket Helmets, and the helmets sink over people's heads- A boyfriend and girlfriend, Mrs. Puff, Larry, A dad, mom, boy, and baby, and everyone else who eats at the Chum Bucket. The windows are covered in the Chum Bucket, and the restaurant lights up in an olive green color. The customer's lights on their helmet antennas blink red and they all stand up and chant.)
Slaves: All hail Plankton. All hail Plankton.
Squidward: What's going on here?
(Plankton puts on a headset to transmit messages to the bucket helmets.)
Plankton: Seize him, slaves!
(The fish march toward Squidward.)
Slaves: All hail Plankton. All hail Plankton.
Squidward: I'm getting out of here!
(He runs to the door, but even more slaves from outside block him. The slaves close in on a helpless Squidward. Plankton laughs.)
Plankton: Who can stop me now? Who!?!
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, driving down the road in the Patty Wagon, laughing.)
SpongeBob: Aw, gee, come on, Pat, one more time.
Patrick: OK.
(He stands up in the moving vehicle and puffs out his chest in an imitation of Victor.)
Patrick: We're on a baby hunt, and don't think we don't know how to weeeeed 'em out!
(He sits down and both burst out in laughter. They turn down the road and past a withered coral tree with a ribcage, skull, arm bones, and a torn garment hanging from it.)
SpongeBob: "Weed 'em out."
Patrick: What a jerk.
(They continue laughing even though they are driving over skulls and bones, which bump the car.)
SpongeBob: Whoa, the road's getting kinda bumpy here.
(They slide off of the bone pile and onto the road again.)
Patrick: You know, SpongeBob, there's a lesson to be learned from all this.
SpongeBob: What's that, Patrick?
Patrick: A bubble-blowing double baby doesn't belong out here. In man's country.
SpongeBob: Yeah... Wait! We blew that bubble. Doesn't that make us a bubble-blowing double baby?
(They ponder this, but then Patrick points somewhere.)
Patrick: Hey, look! Free ice cream!
(They pull into the stand where an old lady sits.)
SpongeBob: Oh, boy!
(He jumps out of the Patty Wagon and swims through the bones to the stand. Patrick converses with one of the skulls.)
Patrick: How you doing?
(He suddenly stares wide-eyed at the skull.)
Patrick: Wait a minute. Wait a minute! SpongeBob!!!
SpongeBob: Yeah?
Patrick: Make mine a chocolate!
SpongeBob: Got yah covered. (To the old lady.) Two, please.
Old Lady: Certainly.
(She hands him a sundae.)
Old Lady: You kids enjoy.
SpongeBob: Actually, we're men, lady, but thanks. Okay, Patrick, let's...
(He pulls at the sundae.)
SpongeBob: You can let go now. I said, let go, please. What is this?
(He pulls his hands apart, only to show that the dish is like a very sticky, streachy, putty. An earthquake occurs, and the stand collapses.)
SpongeBob: What kind of old lady are you?
(The old lady's glasses and hair fall off.)
SpongeBob: Eww...
(Teeth shoot up from the ground, and well as an eye that turns to SpongeBob, who screams. A huge Frog Fish slides out of the sand and we see that the granny is his tongue in a costume. SpongeBob bites himself off the tongue and falls into the Patty Wagon.)
Patrick: Did you get the ice cream?
(The beast growls at them.)
SpongeBob: Step on it, Patrick!
(Patrick does so, and the two are off. They scream as the monster chases them. Cut to the Thug Tug. Dennis parks his motorcycle by it and scoops up some liquid in the sand. He does the "OK" and gesture and removes his bandana to blow a bubble through his fingers. Images of SpongeBob and Patrick giggling appear in it.)
Victor: Hey!
(Dennis turns around, startled at the bar patrons standing behind him.)
Victor: You may not know it, cowboy, but we got a rule around here about blowing bubbles.
(He snaps and the thugs recite the rule.)
Victor & Thugs: All bubble-blowing babies will be beaten senseless by every... able-bodied... patron...
(The thugs trail off as Dennis punches Victor, who flies into the Thug Tug. The Tug tilts back and quickly sinks off over a cliff. Dennis drives away as the Thugs watch in fear. Meanwhile, SpongeBob and Patrick are still trying to escape the Frog Fish trap.)
Old Lady: Come on, kiddies, have some ice cream!
(SpongeBob and Patrick scream and drive faster.)
Old Lady: I'll let you pet Mr. Whiskers.
(Another part of the tongue streaches out of the Frog Fish's mouth disguised as a sticky, veiny cat.)
Mr. Whiskers: Meow.
(SpongeBob and Patrick scream again.)
SpongeBob: Jump for it, Patrick!
(SpongeBob and Patrick hop from the vehicle and land on the road. The Frog Fish eats the Patty Wagon, and another fish comes out from a crevice and eats the Frog Fish. the creature eats it. SpongeBob and Patrick sit at the edge of the cliff wide-eyed and mouth agape. They stand up.)
SpongeBob: Well, we lost our car again.
Patrick: Never mind the car, where's the road? (Patrick's voice echos across the misty, foggy, trench. But then, we see it's not actually an echo.)
Patrick: Road? Road? Road? Road?
(SpongeBob stares at him.)
Patrick: ...Sorry.
(SpongeBob diverts his attention from Patrick to the abyss.)
SpongeBob: There's the road!
(He points to the road.)
SpongeBob: On the other side of this... Deep... Dark... Dangerous...
(A ball of light bursts up from the mist.)
Patrick: ...Hazardous...
SpongeBob: ...Hazardous...
(A huge, black tentacle reaches up from the trench.)
Patrick: ...Monster-infested...
SpongeBob: Yeah, monster-infested...
(He gulps and cringes.)
SpongeBob: ...Trench.
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, look. Here's the way down.
(We see a rickety, wooden staircase with sea rats scurrying up and down it and yellow, glowing eyes looking around.)
Patrick: Well, we're not gonna get the crown standing here. On to Shell City!
(He sets foot on the first step, which creaks and agiatates a monster, who growls. Patrick recoils, then tests it again with the same results. He smiles and does it a few more times quickly. He laughs. and turns to SpongeBob, pointing over his shoulder.)
Patrick: Heh, look! He's making noise. SpongeBob?
(We see SpongeBob sulking back in the other direction, and Patrick runs up to him.)
Patrick: Hey, where're you going?
SpongeBob: I'm going home, Patrick.
Patrick: But what about Mr. Krabs?
SpongeBob: What about us? We'll never survive in that trench! You said it yourself: This is man's country. And let's face it, Pat. We're just... kids.
Patrick: We're not kids!
SpongeBob: Open your eyes, Patrick!!! We blow bubbles, we eat ice cream, we worship a dancing peanut, for corn's sake! We don't belong out here!
Patrick: We do not worship him.
(SpongeBob pulls down Patrick's green-and-purple Hawaiian-flowered Bermuda shorts, revealing Goofy Goober underwear that has pictures of Goofy Goober dancing and the lyrics to the theme song spread out accross it.)
SpongeBob: Patrick, you've been wearing the same "Goofy Goober Peanut Party" underpants for three years straight! What do you call that?
Patrick: Worship...? You're right, SpongeBob-- We are kids!
(He runs down the road crying, but trips over his pants, still wound around his ankles. SpongeBob follows him.)
SpongeBob: Pull your pants up, Patrick. We're going home.
Mindy: But you can't go home!
(We see Mindy in King Neptune's seahorse-drawn carriage.)
SpongeBob: Mindy!
Patrick: Mindy!?!
(He struggles to slide his pants back up.)
SpongeBob: How much did you hear?
Mindy: I heard enough.
Patrick: Did you see my underwear?
Mindy: No, Patrick.
Patrick: Did you want to?
(He prepares to pull his pants down again, but Mindy ignores him.)
Mindy: Look, guys, you may be kids, but you're the only ones left who can get that crown.
SpongeBob: What do you mean "the only ones left"?
Mindy: Things have gotten a lot worse since you left Bikini Bottom. Or should I say... "Planktopolis"?
(She opens a magical sea shell compact to show Bikini Bottom has indeed become Planktopolis. A giant brick Plankton statue greets newcomers to the town with the name"Planktopolis" carved in stone beneath it, and more monuments are being constructed by bucket-headed slaves. Plankton is on a brick structure, wielding a whip for the disobedient slaves... As if there could be any.)
Plankton: No resting! This monument celebrating my glory isn't gonna build itself! Move faster!
(He cracks the whip a few times, threateningly.)
SpongeBob: Oh my gosh! Patrick, look! Plankton's turned everyone we know into slaves! Squidward...
(We see Squidward with a bucket helmet on, his nose coming through a hole in it, fanning Plankton and Karen. Plankton is in a throne with a bowl of fruit to his right, and Karen, sporting a tiara to his left.)
SpongeBob: ...Sandy...
(Sandy is running on a gerbil wheel that powers a conveyor belt to transport stones.)
SpongeBob: ...Mrs. Puff...
(We see Mrs. Puff smashing rocks with a pickaxe like in "Doing Time". SpongeBob gasps.)
SpongeBob: Even Gary!
(Gary has a rope tied from a giant square stone to his shell. His eyestalks are covered by two miniature bucket helmets, and his shell is sweating.)
Plankton: Meow. Plankton.
SpongeBob: Can't your father do something?
Mindy: My father's too distracted by his bald spot to do anything.
(Neptune aims his bald spot at his squire, who is on a jewel-encrested golden ladder to be level with King Neptune's head. In order to not be blinded by the bald spot, the squire looks the other way and struggles to spray a hair growth formula called "Hair-in-a-Can" on King Neptune's head. Neptune becomes impatient and lifts his head again to look at the squire.)
King Neptune: Squire, will you hurry?
(The squire accidentally sprays it in Neptune's eyes, causing hair to appear and Neptune to scream. Mindy closes the shell compact.)
Mindy: So you see, you can't quit. The fate of Bikini Bottom rests in your hands.
SpongeBob: But... But we're just-
Mindy: Hey. It doesn't matter if you're kids. And what's so wrong with being a kid, anyway? Kids rule! You don't need to be a man to do this. You just gotta believe in yourself! You just gotta believe!
(She swims upward and twirls around.)
SpongeBob: I believe.
Mindy: That's the spirit!
SpongeBob: I believe... That everybody I know is a goner!!!
(He and Patrick start crying.)
Mindy: Come on, guys.
(SpongeBob and Patrick continue to cry.)
Mindy: Guys...
(SpongeBob and Patrick don't stop.)
Mindy: Guys?
(SpongeBob and Patrick drink each other's tears.)
Mindy: Ewww...
Narrator: Meanwhile...
(Cut to a screen that shows only bones, until Dennis, still on his chopper, bursts through them. He crushes one with his fist. He laughs and drives away. Two bones cross each other and a skull lands on top of it to form a Jolly Rodger. Back at the trench, SpongeBob and Patrick rock on their backs, crying and sucking their thumbs.)
Mindy: Guys? Oh, boy. Hmm... Think, Mindy, think.
(She gets an idea.)
Mindy: Yup, I guess you're right.
(SpongeBob and Patrick stop.)
Mindy: A couple of kids could never survive this journey.
(SpongeBob and Patrick exchange glaces, then continue rocking.)
Mindy: That's why I guess I'll just have to turn you into men.
(SpongeBob and Patrick stop and dash over to Mindy.)
SpongeBob: You can do that? How?
Mindy: With my mermaid magic.
(One of the seahorses brays. The captions at the bottom of the screen translate: "Mermaid magic?".)
Mindy: Shh!!!
SpongeBob: Did you hear that, Patrick? She'll use her mermaid magic to turn us into men!
Both: Hooray! We're gonna be men! We're gonna be men! We're gonna be men!
(Mindy clasps her hands together and rubs them together.)
Mindy: Good. Now, let's get started. Close your eyes.
(SpongeBob and Patrick do so.)
SpongeBob: Are we men yet?
Mindy: Not yet. Uh, spin around three times.
(SpongeBob and Patrick twirl like a ballerina.)
SpongeBob: I think it's working.
(Mindy swims over to the side of the road and gathers some seaweed. She sticks the seaweed under SpongeBob's nose and where Patrick's would be.)
Mindy: Good. Now, keep your eyes shut. With my mermaid magic, and my one tailfin...
(Patrick giggles at the reference to her rear.)
Mindy: I command the two of you to turn into men! Open your eyes.
(The two do so.)
SpongeBob: Hmm... I don't feel any di-
(The two notice each other's "mustaches".)
SpongeBob: Oh, my gosh, Patrick, you have a moustache!!!
Patrick: So do you!
(SpongeBob and Patrick are in a mustache trance and rubs their own, then the other's.)
Mindy: So now that you're men, can you make it to Shell City?
(SpongeBob and Patrick are still marveling at their moustaches. SpongeBob smooths his, and Patrick hops from foot to foot, pinching his.)
Mindy: Guys?
(SpongeBob and Patrick snap out of it.)
Both: Huh?
Mindy: I said, now that you're men, can you make it to Shell City?
Both: Heck, yeah!
Mindy: Are men afraid of anything?
Both: Heck, no!
Mindy: And why?
Both: Because we're invincible!
(SpongeBob and Patrick jump over the cliff and plummet down.)
Both: Woo-hoo!!!
Mindy: (From the edge of the cliff calling down.) I never said that!
(While falling, SpongeBob and Patrick make manly poses.)
SpongeBob: Yeah!
Patrick: Yeah!
SpongeBob: Yeah!
Patrick: Yeah!
Both: Yeah!
(Both laugh, hug, laugh again, separate, and kick their legs in delight. When they settle, SpongeBob looks down.)
SpongeBob: Uh... Patrick?
Patrick: Yeah, buddy?
SpongeBob: Why did we jump over the edge instead of taking the stairs?
Patrick: Becau- Well, umm... Hmmm...
(The two look at each other, then the ground and scream, hugging each other. But a vine branching out from the cliff breaks their fall, and they gently hit the bottom of the trench. SpongeBob stops screaming when he realizes what happened.)
SpongeBob: Patrick!
Patrick: Huh? Are we dead?
SpongeBob: No! Far from it, my friend! We're safe and sound at the bottom of this trench.
(We hear evil creatures squack and tentacles flapping around. A skeleton of some horible beast is half-buried, and a tongue reaches out from the skull's eye socket to nab a scurrying critter.)
Patrick: The moustaches worked!
SpongeBob: Do you know what that means? We are invincible!
(SpongeBob and Patrick triumphantly march around, dodging obstacles without actually paying attention. They walk straight through a clear Gobble Fish and out a door in the other end, which the fish closes in embarrassment. They walk through a tunnel formed by squealing creatures, and accross rock pads on a lava pool, which sink into the lava shortly after they step on them, and in their place leaving the numbers "1", "2", "3" & "4" written beneath them in molten lava before they fade. SpongeBob and Patrick break into song.)
--------------------------------------------
Now that we're men,
We can do anything!
Now that we're men,
We are invincible!
Now that we're men,
We're going to Shell City
Get the crown,
Save the town
And Mr. Krabs!
Now that we're men,
We have facial hair
Now that we're men,
I change my underwear
Now that we're men,
We got a manly flair!
We got the stuff,
We're tough enough
To save the day!
We never had a chance when we were kids!
No! No! No!
But take a look at what the mermaid did!
Ha! Ha! Ha!
--------------------------------------------
(As SpongeBob and Patrick march, a giant mosnster that looks like a road with a dangling traffic light-like thing on his head picks them up and growls as he's about to eat them. But SpongeBob slaps himself in the knee once.)
Road Monster: Huh?
(SpongeBob and Patrick do a "slap dance", and slap themselves rhythmically. The road monster motions for his friends to come watch, and the two draw a crowd. SpongeBob does some slapping alone, then Patrick does.)
SpongeBob: Yeah, go Pat.
(SpongeBob joins in again.)
Patrick: Yeah, go, SpongeBob!
(They eventually stop, holding one foot by the toes. Then, they hop off of the monsters, who cheer, and join in the song with them.)
Monsters: Hooray!
--------------------------------------------
Now that they're men,
We can't bother them.
Now that they're men,
They have become our friends.
Now that they're men,
There'll be a happy end!
They'll pass the test,
And finish the quest
For the crown!
They'll pass the test,
And finish the quest,
They'll pass the test,
And finish the quest
For the crown!
--------------------------------------------
(SpongeBob and Patrick emerge on the other side of the trench, and everyone cheers.)
SpongeBob: (Reading a sign.) "Shell City, Dead Ahead"! We did it, Pat! We made it past everything! Even the hideous, disgusting monsters!
(The monsters stop cheering and are offended.)
Monsters: Huh? Awww...
(They crawl back into the trench.)
SpongeBob: Uhh... Not you guys! You guys are awesome! Well, Patrick, we should be there in one more verse.
Both: Now that we're-
Dennis: Finally. I've got you right where I want you.
(SpongeBob and Patrick stop mid-step and see Dennis the Hitman in front of them both.)
SpongeBob: Uh, can I help you with something, sir?
Dennis: The name's Dennis. I've been hired to exterminate you.
SpongeBob: You're gonna exterminate us?
(He and Patrick exchange looks of horror, then they both laugh. SpongeBob twirls his moustache.)
SpongeBob: Listen, Junior, you've caught me and my friend here in a good mood today, so I'm gonna let you off with a warning. Step aside, and you won't have to feel the awesome wrath of our moustaches.
Dennis: You mean these?
(He rips the seaweed moustaches off of SpongeBob and Patrick, and it looks like it did when he tore Lloyd and Floyd's lips off.)
Dennis: I thought you still had a piece of salad stuck to your lip from lunchtime.
(SpongeBob and Patrick are crestfallen as Dennis throws the seaweed to the ground in slow motion before them.)
SpongeBob: They were... Fake?
Dennis: Of course they were fake! This is what a real moustache looks like!
(He tugs his bandana down and strains. A tuft of brown hair appears above his upper lip, and he replaces his bandana.)
Patrick: Is he a mermaid?
Dennis: Alright, enough gab.
(He stamps up to the two.)
SpongeBob: W-w-what are you gonna do to us?
Dennis: Plankton was very specific.
SpongeBob: Plankton!?!
Dennis: For some reason, he wanted me to step on you.
Patrick: Step on us!?!
Dennis: Yeah! That way you'll never find out that he stole the crown!
(SpongeBob and Patrcik look at each other, and Dennis scratches the back of his neck.)
Dennis: Uh, perhaps I've said too much.
(SpongeBob and Patrick shake as Dennis' boots wield spikes. He holds it over the quivering duo.)
Patrick: That's a big boot!
Dennis: Don't worry. This will only hurt a lot!
(He cackles wickedly.)
Dennis: I love this job!
(He continues laughing, until a live-action boot steps on him. Patrick tries to run away, but SpongeBob holds him back.)
Patrick: Bigger boot!
SpongeBob: Wait, Pat. This bigger boot saved our lives!
Patrick: Yay!
Both: Thank you, stranger!
(They politely thank him and wave. But there is silence from the owner of the boot.)
SpongeBob: Uhh, stranger?
(The boot-bearer looks down at SpongeBob and Patrick, and we see that it's a man in a tan, old-fashioned diving suit. His helmet window is tinted green. SpongeBob screams and points.)
SpongeBob: It's the Cyclops!!!
(SpongeBob and Patrick are chased by the Cyclops, who easily scoops up the two in his fist and walks towards shore with them. The scene fades out, and cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick sleeping on live-action pebbles. They wake up, and SpongeBob rubs his head.)
Patrick: Are we dead?
SpongeBob: I don't think so.
(He scoops up some of the stones and places them back.)
SpongeBob: Artificially colored rocks? I don't know where we are.
(Patrick eats some, thinking they were artificially flavored. SpongeBob walks around and bangs against something.)
SpongeBob: What is this?
(Patrick taps it.)
Patrick: It's some kind of wall of psychic energy.
SpongeBob: No, Pat, it's a giant glass bowl.
(The screen pans out to show the two in a fishbowl.)
SpongeBob: Hey, there's some fish folk!
(We see from SpongeBob and Patrick's point of view, where everything outside of the bowl is blurry.)
Both: Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey! Hey! Over here!
SpongeBob: Wait a second.
(Cut to a swordfish mounted on the wall by a taxidermist, a blowfish lamp hanging from the ceiling, and three fish dressed as a Mariachi band on a wooden base. We see that the fishbowl is placed on a barrel next to a long check-out desk in a little wooden shop full of sea creature knick-knacks. The walls are full of shelves for the items except for where doors are and a desk is placed. SpongeBob looks at all the dried- up sea creatures.)
SpongeBob: Those fish are...
(Close-up on SpongeBob's mouth.)
SpongeBob: ...Dead...
(He and Patrick shiver and clutch each other. They scream and run around the bowl once they see the Cyclops watching them, and bounce off of each other and the bowl. The diver laughs evilly and walks over to the check-out table.)
SpongeBob: What's he gonna do with us?
(The Cyclops opens his tool box.)
SpongeBob: Oh, no, he's going for his evil instruments of torture.
(He takes out a grease-covered bottle of "Elmer's Glue" and a jar labeled "Google Eyes".)
SpongeBob: Glue? Google eyes?
(The Cyclops hums and crafts something at the table.)
SpongeBob: He's making a humorous diorama of... Alexander Clam Bell!?!
(We see the toy that the Cyclops created was a clam with a plastic top hat, google eyes, a fake telephone, and a black cotton beard.)
SpongeBob: Patrick, he's killing sea animals and making them into smelly knickknacks! And I think we're next!
(Pan out to show that Patrick is in the Cyclop's fist.)
Patrick: You think so?
SpongeBob: Patrick!
(The Cyclops takes SpongeBob, rustling up the pebbles in the bowl.)
SpongeBob: No!!!
(SpongeBob and Patrick scream as the Cyclops places them on the desk, under the heat lamp. We hear a sizzle, and the two become stiff.)
SpongeBob: The heat is so intense from this lamp that I can't move.
Patrick: Tell me about it.
(The Cyclops laughs evilly before collecting a book and making his way towards the bathroom. SpongeBob and Patrick start to shrivel up.)
SpongeBob: (Raspy, scratchy voice.) This doesn't look too good, Patrick.
Patrick: (Raspy voice) You mean we're not gonna... (Singing weakly) ...Get the crown, save the town and Mr. Kraaaabbs?
SpongeBob: I don't even think we're gonna be able to save ourselves, buddy.
(His arm becomes brittle and snaps off. Patrick struggles to reattach it, but he does. Even though it's crooked and facing the wrong way.)
SpongeBob: Thanks.
Patrick: Don't mention it.
SpongeBob: Well, it looks like what everybody said about us is true, Patrick.
Patrick: You mean that we're attractive?
SpongeBob: No, that we're just kids. A couple of kids in way over their heads. We were doomed from the start. I mean, look at us. We didn't even come close to the crown. We let everybody down. We failed.
Patrick: Shell City.
SpongeBob: Yeah, we never made it to Shell City.
Patrick: Shell City.
SpongeBob: Exactly, buddy. Yeah. The place we never got to.
Patrick: Shell City.
SpongeBob: Okay, now you're starting to bum me out, Patrick.
Patrick: No, look at the sign.
(He points to a shell-shaped sign and reads it aloud to SpongeBob.)
Patrick: "Shell City: Marine Gifts & Sundries."
SpongeBob: Shell City is a gift shop? But if this is Shell City, then where's the...?
(They struggle to bend their brittle bodies to see King Neptune's crown on a pillow with a tag that says $7. A light from above shines down on it.)
Both: ...C-c-crown!
SpongeBob: Neptune's crown. This is Shell City. Pat, we did make it.
Patrick: Yeah, I guess we did.
SpongeBob: We did alright for a couple of goofballs.
(SpongeBob and Patrick's eyes well up with tears, and SpongeBob decides to sing one last time, although off-key and very weak.)
SpongeBob: I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah!
Both: You're a Goofy Goober, yeah! We're all Goofy Goobers, yeah!
(They each have a single tear that rolls down to beneath their feet and merges to form a heart. With every last word of the song, SpongeBob and Patrick shrivel more and more.)
Both: Goofy, goofy, uber, goobers, yeah!
(Both SpongeBob and Patrick dissolve to become a live-action sea sponge and sea star with felt clothing on. We see a close-up of the tear. It quivers and forms back into a droplet, which trickles down the desk, down the cord of the heat lamp, and into the electrical outlet. The light shorts out and sparks fly. Then, smoke and fumes billow up from the outlet and the fire sprinklers go off. Water goes everywhere, which causes SpongeBob and Patrick to become wet and live again.)
SpongeBob: Hey, we're alive!
(SpongeBob and Patrick enjoy the artificial rain for a moment to get even more wet. SpongeBob sticks out his tongue to catch droplets, and Patrick stretches out the front of his pants so water gets in there, too. Then, run to the edge of the desk.)
SpongeBob: Let's get that crown.
Patrick: Right.
(They jump onto the pillow and grasp the crown together.)
SpongeBob: On three, Patrick. Ready? One, two, thre- Hey, it's lighter than I thought!
(We see that it was the Cyclops who lifted the crown up by the tip of it, SpongeBob and Patrick still clutching it. The two scream, but then, notice something odd is happening. The room shakes.)
Patrick: What's happening?
SpongeBob: I don't know. Look!
(He points the seahorses, who come back to life as cartoon seahorses. The same thing happens to Mr. Puff, formerly a blowfish lamp as seen in "Krusty Love". Patrick's sea star brethren come to life, looking just like Patrick, except without clothes and some are blue. The Mariachi band fish come to life and start playing a Mexican Mariachi song. The rest of the creatures all turn back to life. A lobster similar to Larry taps Cyclops on the shoulder. The diver Cyclops turns, and the lobster holds up the glue and googley eyes.)
Cyclops: Uh-oh.
(The Cyclops falls over after being sprayed with glue. The Mariachi band shrugs and keeps playing. SpongeBob and Patrick run out the door with Neptune's crown and onto a boardwalk. Then, they hop off that and onto the beach.)
SpongeBob: Come on, Patrick! Let's get this crown back to Bikini Bottom! Do you still have that bag of winds?
(Patrick turns around and shows SpongeBob a lump in his pants.)
Patrick: I sure do.
(SpongeBob laughs. Then, Patrick holds the bag out, still having the bulge in his pants.)
Patrick: Here you go.
(SpongeBob stares for awhile.)
Patrick: ...What?
(SpongeBob shakes his head.)
SpongeBob: Nothing, nothing.
(Patrick grins as SpongeBob takes out the instructions for the Bag of Winds from his pocket.)
SpongeBob: Okay, let's go over the instructions. Let's see, it says here, "Step one: Point bag away from home."
(Patrick does so.)
Patrick: Okay.
SpongeBob: "Step two: Plant feet firmly on ground."
(Patrick digs his feet into the sand.)
Patrick: Right.
SpongeBob: "Step three: Remove string from bag, releasing the winds."
Patrick: Check.
(Patrick holds the bag of winds under his arm, facing the Pacific Ocean. He removes the string, and the Bag of Winds shoots out into the ocean like a balloon letting its air out. He looks all around for it, turning in every direction. His butt crack sticks out of his pants when he turns away from the screen. But SpongeBob is still reading the directions and is oblivious to what happened.)
SpongeBob: Hmm... That seems simple enough. Point bag away from home, feet firmly on ground... Alright. Let's do it for real!
Patrick: Uh, SpongeBob?
(He points to the bag flying into the Pacific Ocean. It lands in the water. The two chase it, but get to the shoreline and cannot catch it. Water washes over them)
SpongeBob: Oh, no. How will we ever get back to Bikini Bottom now?
Lifeguard: (Off-screen.) I can take you there!
(We see a familiar face from "Bay Watch" stride down the beach in slow-motion. He stops in front of SpongeBob and Patrick who are amazed at his muscles.)
SpongeBob: Who are you?
Lifeguard: I'm David Hasselhoff!
(SpongeBob look at each other and then cheer.)
Both: Hooray!
SpongeBob: So, uhh... Where's your boat?
David Hasselhoff: Boat?
(He tosses his head back and laughs. Cut to Hasselhoff swimming out into the Pacific Ocean with SpongeBob, Patrick, and the crown on his back.)
SpongeBob: Go, Hasselhoff!
Patrick: Next stop, Bikini Bottom.
(Patrick meant Planktopolis. In Planktopolis, we see Plankton entering the Krusty Krab 2 and hopping over to the frozen Mr. Krabs.)
Plankton: Well, Krabs, you know what today is?
(He jumps up on Mr. Krabs' claw to become level with the wall calendar.)
Plankton: Sorry about this, calendar.
(He rips off "March 13" to reveal "March 14".)
Plankton: March 14. Wait, that's not right. It should say "The day that Krabs fries!"
(He does an evil laugh, when we see the King Neptune's chariot pull up outside the Krusty Krab.)
Squire: Woah!
Plankton: Ooh! Guess who's here!
(Meanwhile, Hasselhoff cuts through the water like a speedboat. He passes a fisherman, in a trawler and wearing a yellow fishing suit, and knocks the boat over.)
SpongeBob: Hooray for Hasselhoff! Nothing can stop us now!
Patrick: Uhh... Unidentified object off the hindquarters.
SpongeBob: It looks like... Bigger boot! But how?
(We see Bigger Boot speeding through the water. The bottom slides forward onto the bottom of Hasselhoff's foot, and tilts back slightly to reveal a smashed, green blob, much like Plankton when he was stepped on by SpongeBob earlier in the movie. Dennis peels himself off and reforms, his glasses smashed in, his teeth sharp, and clothes tattered. SpongeBob and Patrick scream.)
SpongeBob: Ahh!!! Dennis!!!
Dennis: Did you miss me?
(The evil barracuda hitman flashes a grin. Cut to the Krusty Krab 2. The squire does a death roll on the drums as King Neptune approaches the frozen Mr. Krabs, who is in front of a wooden target. Plankton is on a lawnchair next to the ordering boat in the dining area, waiting for Neptune to strike. He's also in blue swimming trunks, and has binoculars next to a bucket of popcorn. We wave a flag that has the logo on Neptune's castle: a purple shield bearing an "N".)
Plankton: This is the best seat in the house. Alright, Neptune, let's get it on!
(He shoves a fistful of popcorn into his mouth.)
King Neptune: Eugene Krabs, your six-day reprieve is up, and it is time for you to die.
(Mr. Krabs is sweating, and the drops of sweat freeze instantly and fall onto the floor.)
Mr. Krabs: (Muffled through the ice) Please! They can do it!
King Neptune: There is nothing else I can do.
(Mindy appears from behind him.)
Mindy: You can give Spongebob and Patrick a little more time.
King Neptune: Except give Spongebob and Patrick a little more ti- ti- ti- ti- ti- ti- time? What? Mindy, will you butt out! I won't have you stalling this execution!
Mindy: Stalling? I'm not stalling anything.
King Neptune: Yes, you are.
Mindy: No, I'm not.
King Neptune: Yes, yes, you are. You're doing it right now.
Mindy: I'm stalling...
King Neptune: Yes.
Mindy: (Shrugging) Stalling?
King Neptune: Stalling!
Mindy: Stalling.
King Neptune: STALLING!!!
Plankton: Oh boy.
(Back on David Hasselhoff, Dennis is rapidly approaching SpongeBob and Patrick. Dennis flings his broken shades into the sea.)
Dennis: Now, where were we?
SpongeBob: Run, Patrick, run!
(Patrick slowly approaches Dennis, and rolls up imaginary sleeves.)
Patrick: No. I'm tired of running. If we run now, we'll never stooooo-!!!
(Dennis smacks Patrick all onto Hasselhoff's toes.)
Patrick: Run, SpongeBob!!!
(SpongeBob screams and runs down Hasselhoff's leg, Dennis close behind. Dennis takes a dagger off of his chain around his neck and just misses stabbing SpongeBob, and instead, jams it into David's rear.)
David Hasselhoff: Ooh! Take it easy back there, fellas.
(SpongeBob gets to the end of Hasselhoff's foot.)
Patrick: SpongeBob, be careful!
Dennis: Come on, kid, give it up. Dennis always gets his man.
SpongeBob: Never!!!
(He jumps from one leg to another. The camera shows a series of dramatic shots before he grabs onto the side, and climbs up. Then, he stands and pumps his fists in the air.)
SpongeBob: Yeah, I made it!
(Dennis is already there.)
Dennis: You got guts, kid. Too bad I'm gonna have to rip them out of ya.
(SpongeBob takes out dollar bills, but they're pink and hove Goofy Goober on them.)
SpongeBob: Uh, I don't know what Plankton's paying you, but if you let us go, I can make it worth your while.
(Dennis grabs the slips in his fist.)
Dennis: It's gonna take a lot more than five... What are these?
SpongeBob: That, sir, is five Goober dollars. Legal tender at any participating Goofy Goober...
(Dennis grabs SpongeBob by the collar, and SpongeBob shows Dennis a green bottle of bubble soap.)
SpongeBob: I've got bubbles! Fun at parties!
(He holds out the soapy wand, and the passing wind blows bubbles rapidly into Dennis' eyes. Dennis throws SpongeBob back, and Patrick grabs his hand.)
Dennis: My eyes!
Patrick: I got you, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Thanks, buddy. Thanks a lot.
(Dennis appears, his eyes now red and bloodshot. He is lifting his mega-cleat over the two.)
Dennis: That's it! I'm through messing around! See you later, fools!
(The three hear a tug-boat, and they find Hasselhoff swims under a sailboat, knocking Dennis away.)
Patrick: See yah.
(Back at the Krusty Krab 2, King Neptune is fuming at his daughter.)
Mindy: So... you think... I'm... stalling...?
(Neptune bellows.)
King Neptune: Where am I, in Crazytown!?! I have had enough of this nonsense! You are to wait in the carriage until the execution is done!
Mindy: But, Daddy-
King Neptune: NOW!!!
(King Neptune zaps a lock onto the door, leaving Mindy outside. She bangs on the door in frustration.)
Mindy: No, no, no! Oh, SpongeBob, wherever you are, you'd better hurry!
(Meanwhile, David Hasselhoff stops at the Bikini Atoll Island.)
David Hasselhoff: Okay, fellas, this is where you get off. Bikini Bottom's directly below.
SpongeBob: But we'll never be able to float down in time.
David Hasselhoff: Who said anything about floating?
(He treads water with his feet so that his chest is above water. SpongeBob and Patrick sit on his shoulder.)
David Hasselhoff: (Mechanical voice) Initiating launch sequence.
SpongeBob: What the...?
(David Hasselhoff's pectoral muscles separate with mechanical shifting sounds.)
SpongeBob: Did you see that?
Patrick: The control!
(Hasselhoff grabs SpongeBob, Patrick, and the crown and places them between his pecs.)
David Hasselhoff: All hands on deck!
(Hasselhoff strains for his muscles to clamp down on the crown.)
David Hasselhoff: (Mechanical voice) Ten seconds to liftoff. 9... 8...
(At the Krusty Krab 2...)
King Neptune: Eugene Krabs, the time has come...
(His scepter ignites in flames.)
Mindy: No!
Plankton: Yes!
(At the Bikini Atoll Island...)
David Hasselhoff: (Mechanical voice) ...7... 6...
(At the Krusty Krab 2, King Neptune aims his trident at frozen Krabs.)
King Neptune: ...for you...
Mindy: No!
Plankton: Yes!
(At the Bikini Atoll Island...)
David Hasselhoff: (Mechanical voice) ...3... 2...
(At the Krusty Krab 2...)
King Neptune: ...To die.
Mindy: Noo!!!
Plankton: (Tugging on his antennae with glee.) Yes!!!
(At the Bikini Atoll Island...)
David Hasselhoff: ...1.
(Hasselhoff uses all his strengh to boost SpongeBob and Patrick down, smoke coming from his now-normal biceps. SpongeBob, Patrick, and the crown rocket down to Planktopolis. At the Krusty Krab 2...)
Mr. Krabs: (Through the ice) No!
(SpongeBob and Patrick crash through the roof of the Krusty Krab 2 just as King Neptune fires. His shot is deflected off of the crown and up through the hole in the roof. Meanwhile, at the Bikini Atoll Island, David does a backfloat.)
David Hasselhoff: Ya done good, Hasselhoff. Ya done-
(The blast from King Neptune's trident flies up to the surface and singes Hasselhoff. We see him, charred and bandaged.)
David Hasselhoff: Ow.
(Mr. Krabs has squeezed his eyes shut in terror, but when nothing happens, he opens one, then the other to see SpongeBob & Patrick dancing with delight and King Neptune looking at his crown.)
SpongeBob: Hooray! We made it!
Patrick: We made it!
(Mr. Krabs wobbles as best as he can in his ice coating over to SpongeBob and Patrick and joins their celebration dance.)
King Neptune: My crown! My beautiful crown!
(He picks it up and kisses it repeatedly.)
Mindy: SpongeBob! Patrick! I knew you could do it!
(Mindy hugs them both at the same time. A smitten Patrick blushes and makes some dopey noise. Plankton comes up and starts clapping slowly with a smug look on his face.)
Plankton: Oh, yes. Well done, SpongeBoob.
(SpongeBob, Patrick & Mindy go over to Plankton and Karen.)
SpongeBob: Sorry to rain on your parade, Plankton.
Plankton: Oh, don't worry about me. My parade shall be quite dry under my UMBRELLA!
(He pulls a cord dangling from the ceiling, and a compartment in the roof like the one at the Chum Bucket says "King-Sized".)
SpongeBob, Patrick & Mindy: Umbrella?
(From the compartment, a giant bucket helmet drops on King Neptune.)
Mindy: Daddy, no!
Plankton: Daddy, yes!
(He activates Neptune's helmet.)
King Neptune: All... Hail... Plankton.
Slaves: (From outside) All hail Plankton. All hail Plankton. All hail Plankton. (The slaves burst through the windows and doors of the front of the Krusty Krab 2. SpongeBob, Patrick, and Mindy scream. The slaves surround them, and King Neptune ignites his trident once more.)
Patrick: SpongeBob, what happened?
SpongeBob: Plankton cheated.
Plankton: (Amused) Cheated!?! (To Neptune.) Hold on there, baldy.
(King Neptune lifts his trident as Plankton walks over to SpongeBob, next to the ordering boat.)
Plankton: What, you think this is a game of kickball on the playground? You never had a chance to defeat me, fool. And you know why?
SpongeBob: Because you cheated?
Plankton: No, not because I cheated. Because I'm an evil genius, and you're just a kid.
(He laughs.)
Plankton: A stupid kid!
(He laughs, and his slaves join in, but it is phony, mechanized laughter.)
SpongeBob: I guess you're right, Plankton. I am just a kid.
Plankton: Of course I'm right. Okay, Neptune, time to kill...
SpongeBob: And you know, I've been through a lot in the past six days, five minutes, twenty-seven and a half seconds. And if I've learned anything during that time, it's that you are who you are.
Plankton: That's great. Okay, Neptune-
SpongeBob: And no amount of mermaid magic...
(Gestures to Mindy, who is crestfallen.)
SpongeBob: ...Or managerial promotion...
(Gestures to Mr. Krabs, still frozen with a blank expression. We hear the wind whistling.)
SpongeBob: ...Or some other third thing can make me anything more than what I really am inside... A kid.
Plankton: That's great, now get back against the wall.
SpongeBob: But that's okay!
(We see SpongeBob is now speaking from the ordering microphone from the register.)
Plankton: What? What's going on?
SpongeBob: Because I did what everyone said a kid couldn't do. I made it to Shell City, and I beat the Cyclops, and I rode the Hasselhoff, and I brought the crown back!
(Plankton runs up to SpongeBob.)
Plankton: Alright, we get the point.
(The lights go off and mist lurks in. A spotlight shines on SpongeBob and small multi-colored lights spin around the room slowly.)
SpongeBob: So, yeah, I'm a kid. And I'm also a goofball, and a wingnut, and a knucklehead McSpazatron!
(Plankton chokes on the mist because of his short height.)
Plankton: What's going on here?
SpongeBob: But most of all, I'm...
Plankton: Okay, settle down. Take it easy.
SpongeBob: I'm... I'm...
Plankton: WHAT THE SCALLOP!?!
(SpongeBob emerges from the fog with a face visor on, and Plankton flies out of the way. He starts to sing with a deeper rock 'n' roll voice.)
--------------------------------------------
I'm a Goofy Goober (Rock!)
You're a Goofy Goober (Rock!)
We're all Goofy Goobers (Rock!)
Goofy Goofy Uber Goober! (Rock!)
Put your toys away
Well, all I gotta say
When you tell me not to play,
I say no way! (No!)
No, no, no, no way
I'm a kid you say
When you say I'm a kid
I say, say it again and then I say thanks
Thank you very much!
So, if you're thinking that you'd like to be like me
Go ahead and try, the kid inside will set you free!
--------------------------------------------
(SpongeBob sticks out his tongue, and another mini-SpongeBob dressed in a white tuxedo and a cane with star-shaped shades scat-sings. Then, the song continues.)
--------------------------------------------
I'm a Goofy Goober (Rock!)
You're a Goofy Goober (Rock!)
We're all Goofy Goobers (Rock!)
Goofy Goofy Uber Goobers, yeeeaaahh!!!
--------------------------------------------
(During the song, we see live-action footage of a rock, SpongeBob dancing around a bowl of ice cream, and Patrick at a sign that says "Goober X-ing" in fishnet tights. Plankton gets up from the wall he smashed into.)
Plankton: What's happening? Huh?
(He sees SpongeBob dancing.)
Plankton: His dance moves are impressive, but I'm in control.
(He puts on his headset.)
Plankton: Seize him!
(The slaves march toward SpongeBob, but he sends them flying back with his guitar solo. He is wearing a purple speedo and a wizard's hat and cape with peanuts on them. He also has an electric peanut guitar that has the initials "GG" on the end of it. He levitates to the top of the second Krusty Krabs, and the "GG" shines a bright blue color. SpongeBob shoots the laser at a bucket helmet of a slave, breaking the bucket off.)
Fish #10: I'm free! I've been freed!
(SpongeBob blasts Mrs. Puff, Sandy, Squidward, and Gary's helmets off.)
Mrs. Puff: Oh!
Sandy: Yee-haw!
Squidward: Ha!
Gary: Meow.
(Then, SpongeBob blasts one at the antenna on the roof, which disables all the other helmets.)
All: (In the same slave voices as earlier.) Yay.
Plankton: His chops are too righteous! The helmets can't handle this level of rock ‘n' roll! Karen, do something!
(Karen is crowd surfing and giggles.)
Plankton: Karen? Alright, that's the last straw! Neptune, I command you to...
(SpongeBob zaps the helmet off King Neptune's head. Neptune feels around his head and Mindy gives him his crown to fill the void.)
Mindy: Here you go, Daddy.
Plankton: I'd... Better get out of here...
(He runs to the doors, but a crowd of fish is already there.)
Fish #11: Look! It's the wizard who saved us!
Plankton: Out of my way, fools.
(The crowd runs to cheer for SpongeBob, trampling Plankton. Fade out to Plankton, stomped flat and covered in footprints. A police officer scrapes him off of the ground with a shovel and puts him in a police van with bars in the back that says "Institution for the Criminally Tiny".)
Plankton: Come on, I was just kidding. Come on, you guys knew that, didn't you? With the helmets and the big monuments? Wasn't that hilarious, everybody?
(Everyone watches from the doorway of the Krusty Krab 2 as the truck drives off. All signs of Planktontopolis are gone, and Bikini Bottom is back to normal.)
Plankton: I will destroy all of you!!!
(The Bikini Bottomites go back into the Krusty Krab 2.)
King Neptune: Well, Mindy, I have to admit, you were right. Your compassion for these sea creatures proved a most admirable trait. Without it, I would never again seen my beloved crown.
(He pats his crown, and then ruffles Mindy's hair.)
King Neptune: I think you're going to make a fine ruler of the sea one day. Now let's go home.
(He turns to leave.)
Mindy: Daddy, haven't you forgotten something?
King Neptune: Wha-? Oh! Yeah!
(He turns to Mr. Krabs.)
King Neptune: Eugene Krabs, I've forgotten to unfreeze you.
(He picks frozen Mr. Krabs up in his palm and fires his trident at him, turning him into a human.)
King Neptune: Whoops. I guess I had it set to "Real Boy" ending.
(He turns the dial on his trident from "Real Boy" to "Unfrozen" and fires it at Mr. Krabs, restoring him to his normal self.)
Mr. Krabs: Yipee!
King Neptune: Oh, I'm sorry for falsely freezing you, Krabs. And may I say, you are a very lucky fellow to have in your employ...
(A picture of a disfigured SpongeBob appears and zooms in with every word.)
King Neptune: ...Such a brave, faithful, and heroic young lad. Where is he, anyway?
SpongeBob: I'm up here.
(He is dangling from a rope on the ceiling, still in his wizard outfit. Patrick, still with fishnets on, walks over to a pole, untying the ropes. His high heels click as he walks.)
Patrick: I'm on it.
(He lowers SpongeBob to the ground, now fully-dressed in his SquarePants.)
Mr. Krabs: Go to him now, Krabs. Embrace him.
(He lets Krabs down, who hugs SpongeBob.)
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, me boy, I'm sorry I ever doubted ye. That's a mistake I won't make again.
(Mr. Krabs tears up.)
SpongeBob: Oh, Mr. Krabs, you old soft serve.
Mr. Krabs: And now, SpongeBob, I'm gonna do something that I should've done six days ago. Mr. Squidward, front and center, please.
(Squidward walks up to Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob.)
Mr. Krabs: I think we all know who rightfully deserves to wear that manager pin.
(Squidward takes the off his pin.)
Squidward: I couldn't agree more, sir.
Fish #12: Hooray for SpongeBob!
(All of Bikini Bottom cheers. Confetti sprinkles down and balloons rise.)
SpongeBob: Wait a second, everybody. There's something I need to say first. I just don't know how to put it.
Squidward: I think I know what it is. After going on your life-changing journey, you realize you don't want what you thought you wanted. What you really wanted was inside you all along.
(SpongeBob swipes the pin from Squidward and points to Squid's middle-section.)
SpongeBob: Are you crazy!?! I was just gonna tell you that your fly is down! Manager!?! This is the greatest day of my life!!!
(He jumps into the air, and the screen freezes with him cheering.)
End