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SpongeGuard on Duty

Narrator: Ah, Goo Lagoon. Where the sun is hot and the sunbathers are oh so cool. (Spongebob is laying on his back on a towel)
Spongebob: What a beautiful day.
Patrick: You said it, pal.
Spongebob: Can you believe that sun? (Patrick's eyes are small)
Patrick: I could look at it all day. (Spongebob sits up then takes his sunglasses off)
Spongebob: Uhh, Patrick? (Patrick's eyes go back to normal after he takes a drink)
Patrick: What?
Spongebob: Nothing.
Patrick: So, how's that tan coming?
Spongebob: I don't know. Let me check. (lifts his pants and looks at his tan) Looking good. How's yours?
Patrick: Just a minute. (lifts his shorts and his rear-end is showing) I could have sworn I was laying on my back. (both laugh as a swarm of people run by them. Larry is lifting six people on a sufrboard. Everyone cheers)
Spongebob: Hey, it's Larry, the lifeguard. (three girls walk up to Larry)
Nancy: Mr Lifeguard, can I feel your muscle?
Larry: Sure. Don't scratch the paint. (Nancy and friends run off after feeling Larry's muscles. Scooter and friends come up next)
Scooter: Lifeguard, how's the tubage?
Larry: Gnarly, dudes!
Scooter: All right, yeah! Woohoo! (Scooter and friends run off as an elderly couple come up)
Ederly Man: Lifeguard, can you point out the snack bar?
Larry: Right over there. But you guys are way too old and unsightly for my beach. And I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Ederly Woman: (both walk off) So polite.
Ederly Man: Just like we raised him.
Spongebob: What a guy. Is it any wonder he's so popular? Just imagine if I were a lifeguard. (a 'real' Spongebob is shown) That would be so cool.
Patrick: Oh, what do you want to be a lifeguard for? Nobody really likes those guys. (Larry is carried by a bunch of fish) Being a lifeguard is so dumb. All they do is blow, blow, blow on their stupid whistles, rub, rub, rub that white stuff on their noses and show off their gross misshapen bodies! (a fish walks up seeing PAtrick's expanded belly)
Fish #1: Dude, put that thing away. There are, like, children here. (Patrick's expanded belly is now in his feet)
Patrick: I'm going to the snack bar. (walks off)
Spongebob: Who needs to be a lifeguard? I'm cool. (zoom into a geek-like looking Spongebob) I'm every bit as cool as Larry. And if I'm not, let me be struck by... (thunder roars) ...a flying ice cream truck. (ice cream truck comes falling down) And live! (ice cream truck slows down and lands on top of Spongebob)
Larry: (speaking into a megaphone) Please do not land flying ice cream trucks on the bathers. (As Spongebob gets up, an ice cream cone falls off his nose) Spongebob, you ok? (Larry notices the some white stuff on Spongebob's nose) Hey! I didn't know you were a lifeguard.
Spongebob: Lifeguard?
Larry: The nose.
Spongebob: (swipes his finger on his nose to see some white stuff) White stuff. You think I'm a lifeguard?
Larry: Sure, there's no hiding the lifeguard look, Spongebob, and you've got it.
Spongebob: You really think so?
Larry: You bet I do. Say, we're a little shorthanded around here. How would you like to work the beach?
Spongebob: I'd love it! (hugs Larry)
Larry: Alright. (puts Spongebob down) Leave that on the bench, Kahuna. Hey, Annette, come here. (fish walks over) I want you to meet my buddy, Spongebob.
Spongebob: Hi. (Annette kicks sand in his face)
Larry: Hey, guy's a lifeguard. (Annette whistles as three more fish run over and pick up Spongebob)
Spongebob: It works. (Larry and Spongebob walk up and down the beach blowing their whistles. Later, Spongebob has a suit like Larry's. Larry is now putting lotion on a female and gives Spongebob a thumbs-up. Spongebob is putting lotion on an ederly male fish. Larry and Spongebob make sand castles. Larry lifts some weights as Spongebob lifts his usual weak weights. Both hula dance playing some ukuleles) Woohoo! That was the greatest, Larry.
Larry: Yeah. Say, how'd you like to take the second shift?
Spongebob: By myself?
Larry: Only if you think you're ready. (Spongebob holds up a jar of zinc-oxide)
Spongebob: I'm not just ready. (puts some of the jar stuff on his nose) I'm ready, Freddie.
Larry: It's Larry. Well, I guess I'll just...
Fish #2: Help, help! (a fish is drowning) Help, help, help!
Larry: We've got a sinker! Spongebob, let me take this. I haven't seen any action all day. (Larry jumps off)
Spongebob: Action? (Larry swims out. Fish begins to sink underwater and Larry dives after him and brings him to shore)
Larry: Breathe, darn you! (starts to punch the fish in the stomach. The fish spits out a magazine and some water)
Fish #3: That's the last time I read and swim. You saved my life.
Larry: Don't mention it. It's all part of the job. (Larry walks up to Spongebob, who is stunned) You know, Spongebob, the babes and the big chair are great, but the best part is knowing you're the only thing that stands between these good people... (notice a sign that reads 'Annual Hot Dog Chug' and everyone is rooting for Scooter, who is eating a bunch of weinies) ...and a watery grave. And (that's) what it's all about. (a car drives up) Their lives are in your hands now, 'cause I got a date with the tanning booth. (Larry jumps in the car) See ya. (drives off)
Spongebob: But I... (an inner tube inflates around him) ...can't swim. Oh, if I'd known being a lifeguard meant guarding their lives, I would never have said yes. (throws the inner tube off) Maybe nothing will go wrong. Then when Larry comes back, I'll tell him I'm not interested. Besides, what's the worst that could happen? (imagines everyone in the lake turns into tombstones. He screams and yells and runs up to the lifeguard tower and rings the bell then speaks into a megaphone) Emergency! Everybody out of the water! Hurry! Emergency! Out of the water! (everyone runs out) Emergency! (everyone wonders what is going on) Uhh... there are sharks in there! (a family of sharks is shown)
Shark: Hey, that's my family you're talking about.
Spongebob: A sea monster! (a giant sea monster comes over)
Sea Monster: You know, we sea monsters have made great strides in the fields of science and literature. (walks off as he smacks Spongebob with his tail)
Spongebob: Uhh, somebody went? (crowd of people are angry and go back to playing in the water) No, don't go! (Spongebob gasps at all the things he sees that are 'dangerous' in the water that people are doing. He screams and then brings out an ice cream cart) Free ice cream! (everyone crowds around the cart) Plenty for everybody. One for you, one for you.. ok everybody got one? A-ha, now I got ya! Now, you all have to wait one hour before you go swimming. (shows a clock) But just so you're not tempted... (ties everyone up with 'do not cross' tape like the police use) Ladies and gentlemen, the lagoon is closed.
Scooter: We like Larry better.
Spongebob: Does Larry ever give you (speaks into megaphone) free ice cream? (Patrick slams the door open from the port-o-potty)
Patrick: Ice cream! (starts running around looking for the ice cream) Did somebody say ice cream? (runs up to the tape) Where is it? Is it here? (the tape that says 'do no cross' changes to 'ice cream') Huh? Ice cream, yay! (breaks through the tape and runs into the middle of the lagoon. After he stops, he gets an ache in his rear-end) Cramp! (begins to drown)
Fish #4: Holy cow, somebody's drowning!
Spongebob: Oh, no, that's not possible. The lagoon is closed. (tied up group of fish walk over to the tower)
Scooter: Dude, get your butt in the water.
Spongebob: If there was anyone in there, we'd hear them.
Patrick: Help, help! (Spongebob stands up and takes off his shades) I can't swim!
Spongebob: Somebody would be screaming that they're drowning...
Patrick: I'm drowning! I'm drowning!
Spongebob: They would have to have crossed the line.
Patrick: I'm drowning 'cause I crossed the line! (Spongebob takes out a pair of binoculars)
Spongebob: Ok, I'll take a look, but just to prove to you that... (Spongebob's eyes get huge and break the glass in the binolculars) ...Patrick isn't drowning!
Patrick: Can't swim! Butt hurts! Ice cream! (Spongebob jumps off stand)
Spongebob: Hold on, Patrick! (runs to the shore) I'm coming!
Patrick: Help, help!
Spongebob: Don't move! (gets a life preserver) Catch this! (throws it out to Patrick but only goes about a foot out into the water)
Fish #5: Quit fooling around, man. Get in the water.
Patrick: Help, help!
Spongebob: Oh, what am I going to do? Got to think. (starts running in circles) Gotta think. Gotta run around and think. Gotta run around and think at the same time. Gotta think, gotta have a plan. Gotta think, think, think. (turns into a lightbulb) I've got it! (takes out a straw) Patrick can't drown if there isn't any water. (sets straw in water and starts to suck out all the water) Well, you're safe now, Patrick.
Patrick: (inside Spongebob) Help, I'm drowning! I've got butt cramps! I want ice cream and now it's dark! (Spongebob is gigantic now. He spits all the water out. Patrick is now back at the beginning of his drowning problem again) Help, help! Help me, I'm drowning! Help! (Spongebob runs off to retreive something)
Fish #6: To us. (Spongebob takes the boat from the couple and runs off then comes running back)
Spongebob: Here's your hotdog. (hands them their hotdog then runs off again) Ok, Patrick, here I come. (Patrick is still flailing and screaming) Come, come 'round, Pat. Here I am. (Patrick grabs the boatmobile and starts tearing it apart in a desperate frenzy. Spongebob ushers him to stop, but soon the boat is in pieces and Spongebob is in the water too)
Patrick: Oh, sorry. (Patrick pushes Spongebob underwater trying to stay afloat. Then he starts hitting Spongebob with an anchor)
Spongebob & Patrick: Help! Help us! We're drowning! (everyone who is tied up walks off whistling)
Spongebob: Goodbye, Patrick.
Patrick: Goodbye, ice cream. (the two continue to scream, and then Larry walks over and picks the two up. Obviously, the water is very shallow)
Larry: Spongebob?
Spongebob: Yes, Larry?
Larry: You're not a lifeguard, are you?
Spongebob: No, Larry.
Larry: (carrying Spongebob and Patrick in his hands) Let's go, guys. (later, Spongebob & Patrick are paddling in a kiddie pool) Very good. You fellas are learning fast.
Spongebob & Patrick: Ow, butt cramps!
Patrick: And I still don't have my ice cream.
End