Here's the first three episodes of Kingdumb (Kingdumb eps will air in the SBM Show topic a few weeks after the Shop Mania premiere starting in April, except for 2B tonight)
Episode 1A- Humble Beginnings
Written by BrickSponge2015
(We see an average present day American city. A king, a princess and a knight walk into the city)
Random Person: Hey losers! It's not halloween!
(The king pulls out a grenade launcher and blasts the person to bits)
King: The nerve of some people.
(The king sets down a small orange box in a wide space at the end of a line of buildings. He pulls out a remote and presses a button. The box "unfolds" into a giant orange brick castle. We see random people pointing at it and screaming. The final towers of the castle completely unfold, a small moat digs out itself, and the bridge goes down. The doors open, and the 3 walk inside)
Princess: This is so perfect!
Knight: There's a room for all of us! And a laundry room and a storage room.
King: That was supposed to be for my son and wife!
Knight: The queen and the prince aren't coming back, your highness.
(We cut to a queen and prince hanging onto random objects to avoid being sucked into a black hole and then we cut back)
King: Someday...
Princess: Let's unpack!
(We see the princess setting down a box in her room. A black cat jumps out of it. The knight sets down a box in his room, which is full of swords. The knight and the princess carry a large box into the laundry room. A giant washing machine jumps out of the box on its own)
Washer: SO DRUNK
(There's a huge box sitting in the king's throne room. The king, the knight, and the princess tear it open and see a golden throne)
Princess: Wow...
Knight: IT'S A FANCY PARTY FOR MAH EYES
King: Isn't it just how you remembered it?
Washer: Wasn't I your throne earlier?
King: QUIET FOOL
(The princess pulls out an iPhone, takes a picture of the throne, and starts typing something to post it on social media. The king grabs the phone, throws it on the ground, and sets it on fire)
Princess: What was that for?
King: TRUST NO ONE
Princess: Not cool!
King: THIS IS THE YEAR 1115, I HAVE CONTROL OVER YOU!
Knight: Actually, it's 2015. You're mixed up.
King: See- you got kabobbled.
Knight: You know they call you fishy bear behind your back?
King: An antelope called. It wants its antlers back. In 2015, right?
Knight: Fishy bear!
(A mysterious portal/hole thing opens up in the floor)
King: WHAT THE DUCK?
(Everybody hides behind the kitchen counter and stares out at the hole in the throne room)
King: Stick your sword inside.
(The knight's arm stretches out a few inches. He sticks the tip of his iron sword inside, and it becomes golden)
Knight: Whaaaa?
Princess: YOU QUOTED THE LUNCHABLES COMMERCIAL WRONG. REALITY IS BECOMING WARPED.
Knight: Not to sound sexist or anything, but I'm impressed that you're not just all like "LET'S GET SOME TEXTING FAIRIES TO HELP US" or something like the generic stereotype you are.
Princess: EXACTLY.
(We cut to the king and the knight pouring water into the hole)
Princess: Why are you pouring water in it?
Knight: So we have something to land on when the city becomes A BLACK VOID OF DOOM AND DESPAIR.
Princess: That's irrational thinking. How do we know that's gonna happen?
(Reality gets warped even further)
Princess: Screw this, only idiocy can save us now.
(The castle starts floating up into the air and a thunderstorm starts. They throw the cat into the void)
Knight: That was cruel.
(Jason Funderberker breaks down the door with an axe)
Jason: HEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY
John: USE THE SHINNING GARFIELFOLODE
Garfielf: comb yer' ::dolphin noise::ing hair you mother::dolphin noise::er I want some lasaga
(There's a knock on the door. The princess opens it, and Slenderman is standing right there)
Slenderman: Thought I'd... stop by your place.
Knight: AAAAAHHHH NO
Slenderman: RIDE THE PONY KIDS
Knight: WHAT IS HAPPENING
Slenderman: RIDE THE PONY FREE OF CHARGE
Princess: Hurry! We're warping into the horror genre!
King: How can you tell?
Slenderman: (suggestively) There's a lot more to me than you think, peasants.
Knight: WHAT
(Brick from The SBM Show crashes through the window and flies straight into a wall, flailing his arms and legs wildly the whole time)
Brick: FIVE NIGHTS AT FRED MEYERS
Knight: Huh?
Brick: KFC THRONE
Princess: That's it! The throne! We have to throw your throne into the vortex!
King: Okay!
(The knight throws it in. The trio braces themselves, but nothing happens)
King: Darn. That was a waste of money.
Washer: Hey guys! I went to McDonald's!
(The washing machine trips over Slenderman's foot. The McDonald's bag flies through the air and lands inside the hole. The thunder stops, and the castle falls back to the ground)
Brick: THE ALLIGATOR WAS ALIVE THE ENTIRE TIME
Princess: Uh... that was a thing.
Knight: WHY
(The knight's eyes catch on fire and explode)
Knight: I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE
Princess: Uh... are you okay?
Knight: I EXPECTED MORE FROM AMERICA AND NOW I'M SCARRED FOR LIFE
Princess: Do you need something or something?
Knight: WHY IS THERE A REASON FOR THIS
Princess: There's a reason for everything. Sometimes it's that you're stupid and make bad decisions.
Slenderman: So... got any more ice cream?
Princess: LEAVE
Slenderman: I'm afraid I've already applied the fudgesicle to my body.
(Slenderman somehow does a troll face as everybody in the room passes out from shock and we slowly zoom in on his face)
The End
Episode 1B- Thirty Minutes Or Less
Written by BrickSponge2015
Knight: I CAN FLOAT ON THINGS
Throne: Get off.
Knight: wait what
Princess: Everything we through into the warp hole came back warped, including the throne.
Knight: Even the water?
(A solid brick of water falls from the ceiling and hits the knight on the head)
Knight: Ow.
Princess: So the throne came back alive and able to fly, and the cat...
(The black cat pokes his head through the doorway wearing glasses)
-beat-
Knight: K.
Throne: GET OFF!
Washer: THIS EPISODE HAS NO PLOT
Princess: Then let’s make one! KNIGHT ORDER PAZZA NAOA
Knight: (crying) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWAWAWAWAWAAAAAAHHHHH
(The knight, still crying, calls the pizza place)
Person on phone: Hello sir, what would you like to order?
Knight: (sobbing)
Person: Sir?
(The princess pushes the knight over. He falls on the ground and she grabs the phone, which is hovering in midair)
Princess: One large half-cheese half-pepperoni pizza, please. Yes. Mmm-hmm. Thank you.
(She hangs up)
Princess: Now…
(zoom in with dramatic music)
Princess: WE WAIT.
(We cut to a slow-motion montage of the group waiting for the pizza, with sad music. The knight paces back and forth, looking at the clock. The princess plays games on her iPhone. The washing machine finishes a cycle. The cat licks its paws, and its glasses fall off. The throne slowly floats up until it hits the ceiling. We cut to fast motion)
Throne: Not again!
(The slow-motion montage continues. The knight and the princess play Uno. The princess lays down a draw 4 wild card, and the knight flips the table over. The clock falls off of the wall, and the knight puts it back up again. The king rolls around on the floor, spitting everywhere. There’s a knock on the door, and we cut to fast motion)
King: (on the floor) WHO DARES INVADE MY CASTLE? And at such an hour…
Princess: He’s not an invader! He’s just the pizza delivery guy!
(The princess opens the door and hands the pizza delivery guy the money. The PDG reaches to give the princess the pizza, but the king very slowly slides out of the door, squinting)
PDG: Uh… sir?
King: WE HAVE CAUGHT RED HANDED IN YOUR CRIMESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
(The king picks up the PDG)
Princess: DUDE! HE’S HERE TO GIVE US FOOD!
(The princess puts the PDG back on the ground)
Princess: Sir, I am so sorry, I-
King: TERRORIST!
Princess: (loud whisper) What is your problem?
King: I can’t believe my own daughter would betray me!
Princess: Here. Take this.
(The princess reaches out to give the PDG a large tip. He takes it and walks away)
PDG: Oh, it’s quite alright. Nice costumes.
(The king lunges out at the PDG. Right before he tackles him, the screen goes black. We fade in and see the princess, the king and the knight looking down at the unconscious PDG)
Knight: Oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man, what are we going to do?
King: I KNOW WHAT!
(The king raises the knight’s sword above his head, with the knight still hanging onto it)
King: OFF WITH HIS HEAD!
(The princess tackles the king)
Princess: NO!
(They land)
Princess: Please don’t make this any worse than it already is. We need to get this guy to the hospital without being seen.
Knight: No! It’s too risky! I have a plan!
(We cut to the knight wrapping bubble wrap around the PDG)
Princess: How is this supposed to help?
Knight: I don’t know.
(We cut to the princess, the king, the knight and the unconscious PDG riding on the throne through the night sky at 100 MPH)
Princess: WHERE’S THE HOSPITAL?
Knight: I DON’T KNOW, I THOUGHT YOU KNEW!
Princess: HERE’S MY PHONE! LOOK IT UP!
(The knight reaches over to grab the phone)
Knight: Almost got it… almost… almost…
(The knight grabs the phone and immediately lets go of it. It flies backwards and hits the PDG in the face so hard and so fast that he falls out of the throne)
Princess: That didn’t work. CATCH HIM!
(The throne turns around and goes down incredibly fast. They catch him, but are now flying straight down at 100 MPH)
Princess: GO UP!
(The throne tilts upwards and flies towards a plane)
Princess: DOWN!
(They almost crash into a building)
Princess: UP! THERE’S THE HOSPITAL, I CAN ALMOST-
(They crash through the window on the top floor of the hospital. They rush through the hallway towards two paramedics carrying a man on a stretcher)
Princess: STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!
(The throne slowly screeches to a stop, losing momentum. It stops right as it’s crashing into the stretcher. The stretcher flies forwards and goes out the window)
Princess: Okay. Now that we’re in, we have to save this guy!
Knight: How?
King: I’M GOING TO SAVE THE DAY!
(We cut to the king throwing the PDG at the receptionist’s desk. She looks up and sees the throne flying out the door)
Princess: I can’t believe we actually got away with that!
Knight: Yeah, but everything worked out in the end!
(The stretcher falls down and hits the back of the throne, launching the trio backwards. They fly through the hospital, into a trampoline factory, and bounce right back into the king’s throne room, landing right next to the pizza)
King: IT’S A BOMB!
(The king throws the pizza box out the window and it hits a biker on the head)
The End
Laser Knife
Written by BrickSponge2015
(We see the king driving a golf cart incredibly fast through an underground cave. The princess is on the roof, throwing rocks at a giant creature that looks like a ton of cave spiders and a huge slime from Minecraft and combined into one giant transparent spider monster)
Princess: EAT STONE, BLOCKHEAD!
(The king drives around a corner, where the throne is tied to a conveyer belt going towards a spiky wall surrounded by explosives)
Princess: WE’RE COMING TO SAVE YOU, KING’S THRONE!
Throne: Uh… um, okay, I guess.
(The knight gets out of the moving golf cart next to the king, and climbs onto the roof. He gets in position, and jumps onto the conveyer belt. He jumps onto the throne, and cuts the rope using his sword. The throne stands up)
Knight: Just another day in the life of… my name…
Throne: Hey buddy, you might want to look out.
(The knight jumps on the throne, and they fly away from the conveyer belt. The knight drops his sword on the belt)
Knight: WAIT! NO!
(The knight jumps off the throne onto the conveyer belt, dodging landmines. The sword almost gets to the spikes. The knight reaches to grab it, but the throne jumps in front of him at the last second, blocking the knight from reaching his sword)
Knight: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Throne: It’s too dangerous!
(The throne flies away again. The sword goes towards the wall, but misses the spikes and gets caught on the wall)
Knight: Whew! That was close!
(A landmine goes into the wall and blows up the sword, along with most of the conveyer belt and the wall)
Knight: NOOOOOOOOOO!
(We cut to the king’s throne room. A hole opens in the floor, and the golf cart flies out and crashes into the wall above the doorway. The king, the princess, the knight and the throne all fall out. The spider starts to come out of hole, but the princess shuts the door on it)
Knight: I can’t believe it. That was my favorite weapon. I’ve had it since I was a kid.
Princess: wait what
Knight: I… I MISS IT SO MUCH!
(The knight starts crying)
King: Oh, I’m sorry. You could always find a new weapon.
Knight: (sniffing) It won’t be the same.
King: Well, you could try to make one.
(The knight suddenly disappears)
King: Wha- where’d he go?
Princess: I think he ran off to make one.
King: Really? How can you tell?
Princess: Because in the last couple of episodes, I’ve learned to always expect the worse case scenario.
King: But how is that the worst case scenario?
(We cut to a close-up on the princess’s face with incredibly dark dramatic red and black lighting)
Princess: IT WILL BE.
(We cut to the knight in his bedroom)
Knight: Okay, let’s see here. I have a laser pointer, a butter knife, a ton of rubber bands, a tiny sliver of gold…
(We cut to the knight holding a cheese grater behind the throne at night with dramatic music and cut back)
Knight: ...and this weird blue ball with a ton of green dots on it which I’ve never seen before.
(The knight squeezes the ball. It opens up, gold light flashes in all directions, and it floats into the air. It shakes and the light gets brighter and brighter until the screen becomes completely white. When the light disappears, a golden knife with three golden rubber bands around the handle is sitting on the table)
Knight: It’s… PERFECT!
(The knight grabs the knife. He opens his bedroom door, falls 8 feet, and lands flat on his face in the king’s throne room)
Princess: Are you okay?
(The knight jumps up)
Knight: I’m feeling better than ever! I just magically created the perfect weapon!
(The knight holds up the knife)
King: What does it do?
Knight: I… don’t know.
Princess: Well, you have fun with your little killing tools. I’m going to go make a sandwich.
(The princess starts to make a peanut butter sandwich. She’s about to spread the peanut butter on the bread, when the knight stops her)
Knight: Wait! Allow me!
(The knight spreads peanut butter on his weapon. He’s about to spread it on the bread, when a laser made of peanut butter shoots through the bread, through the table, and through the ground)
Knight: Wait! I didn’t have a laser cannon, I just had a laser pointer!
King: Try it again!
(The knight shoots a laser up in the air. It goes through the roof and into the sky)
Princess: Dude, that’s insane!
Knight: It’s a…
(Closeup on the knife)
Knight, King, and Princess: LASER KNIFE!
Knight: I NEED TO SHOW EVERYBODY!
(The knight runs outside)
Knight: HEY EVERYBODY! I HAVE A LASER KNIFE!
(The knight runs somewhere else)
Knight: HEY! HEY! EVERYONE! LOOK AT MY LASER KNIFE!
(The knight runs into another place)
Knight: LOOK! LOOK! IT’S A LASER KNIFE!
(The knight runs back to outside the castle)
Knight: PEOPLE OF EARTH! I HAVE A LASER-
(A dark blue stick comes out of the ground and grabs the knight’s leg)
Knight: -knife.
(The SpiderSlime comes out of the ground)
Knight: OH MY GOSH YOU’RE BACK!
(Another SpiderSlime comes out of the ground)
Knight: YOU’RE BACK AND NOW THERE’S TWO OF YOU!
(A third SpiderSlime comes out of the ground)
Knight: AND NOW THERE’S- okay, can we just get to the plot already?
(The king, the princess and the throne run outside)
Princess: How exactly did you make that Laser Knife?
Knight: I just put my stuff on the table and this weird ball thingy showed up. I squeezed it, and they combined into this.
Princess: Okay, shoot it at the ground.
(The knight shoots the laser straight down. It keeps destroying everything in its path, and keeps breaking through the earth until the hole is so deep you can’t even see anything. A SpiderSlime then jumps out of the hole, right into the knight’s groin. He gets hit so hard he flies backwards and lies on the ground in pain. The sky becomes red as several SpiderSlimes come out of the ground in random places)
Knight: OWWWWWWWWWW!
Princess: QUICK! SHOOT THE THRONE!
Knight: BUT WON’T THAT DESTROY IT?
Princess: JUST DO IT!
(The knight shoots the throne. The laser doesn’t go through it, it just stops right when it hits the throne and creates a SpiderSlime)
Princess: Just as I thought. WE NEED TO DESTROY THE LASER KNIFE!
Knight: OKAY!
King: And I know just where we should do it. TO THE GOLF CART!
(They open the floor in the throne room and see that SpiderSlimes have destroyed the golf cart)
King: Uh, okay, we can’t use the golf cart. TO THE THRONE!
(The king, the knight and the princess ride on the throne, flying through the caves. SpiderSlimes are coming out of holes all around them everywhere. They see the destroyed conveyer belt)
Princess: WHERE WERE THE BOMBS COMING FROM?
King: I DON’T KNOW!
(The knight points to a hole on the wall of the cave next to where the conveyer belt used to be)
Knight: IT’S IN THERE!
(The SpiderSlimes flood into the room)
Princess: OKAY, JUST THROW IT IN ALREADY!
(The knight, riding on the throne, flies towards the hole and throws the knife inside. The foursome waits for a minute)
Knight: WHY ISN’T IT BLOWING UP?
Princess: YOU NEED TO PULL THAT LEVER UP THERE!
Knight: OKAY!
(Right when the knight is about to flip the switch, SpiderSlimes literally come out of every single wall around them and out of the ceiling and the ground. The SpiderSlimes that fall out of the ceiling knock the knight and the throne down towards the center of the earth)
Knight: HOW IS THIS THE CENTER OF THE EARTH?
Princess: THOSE TWO LASER SHOTS MUST HAVE SPAWNED A TON OF SPIDERSLIMES IN THE CENTER OF THE EARTH!
Knight: IT’S OKAY! THE ONES THAT ARE FALLING WILL LAND ON THE SWITCH!
(The falling SpiderSlimes that are falling right towards the switch move out of the way and then move back below it)
Knight: OH COME ON!
Princess: WAIT! THEY FELL ON THE BOMBS TOO!
(The LaserKnife and the bombs fall into the center of the earth)
Knight: FALL FASTER! WE’RE GOING TO DIE!
(The Princess grabs a SpiderSlime and throws it at the LaserKnife. It presses a button on the bottom of it… )
Knight: WHY DID I NEVER SEE THAT BEFORE?
( … and the Laser Knife turns into a mouth)
Laser Knife: IMMMA FIRING MAH LASER
Knight: WHY DID THAT HAPPEN
Princess: IT WAS BAGEL’S IDEA
King: I AM NOW SCREAMING
(The laser fires into the center of the earth and it explodes, killing all of the SpiderSlimes)
EPILOGUE
(We see a rocket flying away from the deflated earth)
Princess: This is such a good idea! Since Earth is hollow now and too deflated to live on, we can live on the moon!
(The rocket lands. The king, the knight, and the princess walk out in spacesuits… and are surrounded by SpiderSlimes)
Knight: D’OE
Brick: IT’S D’OH
Knight: HYPOCRITE
The End... we hope.
NEW EPISODE TIME!
Emergency Broadcast
Written by BrickSponge2015
King: This “TV” thing is amazing!
Knight: I told you so.
King: Is there a way to increase the sound that comes from this amazing machine!
Knight: You press those buttons on the right.
King: These?
(The king presses the buttons on the left and the channel changes)
King: WHAT? HOW DID I CHANGE THE PICTURE?
Knight: You just changed the channel.
King: THERE IS MULTIPLE PIECES OF MEDIA AT ONCE IN THIS BOX?
Knight: Yeah! Hundreds of them!
King: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
Knight: I know, right? We have an awesome cable package!
King: EXXXXXXXXXXXCELLLLLLLLENNNNNNNNNNNT!
Knight: Well, I’m heading to bed. You coming with?
King: I MUST EXPLORE THIS CURIOUS UNIVERSE!
(We see the clock which says 11:28 PM. We fade into 1:28 AM, where the king is still staring at the TV in awe and changing the channels)
King: It’s so beautiful…
(An Emergency Broadcast System signal comes on)
King: THE… ::dolphin noise::… IS… THAT… NOISE!!!!!!!!
Voice on TV: There has been a child abduction in the-
(The king screams and runs out of the room)
Voice on TV: -county.
(The king runs out of the castle and down the street screaming)
Knight: Did you hear that?
Princess: (sleeping) nuff.
Knight: Hey!
Princess: Huh?
Knight: Did you hear some guy screaming?
(They look out the window and see the king running down the street screaming)
Princess: Why am I not surprised by this?
(We cut back to the king)
King: EVERYBODY HIDE YOUR CHILDREN! THE AIRWAVES HAVE BEEN TAKEN OVER!
Random Person: What's he yelling about?
Other Random Person: It's 2 in the morning! Some of us are trying to sleep.
Third Random Person: LET'S GET HIM!
(An angry mob chases after the king)
Knight: We need to save him! Come on!
(The knight and the princess run down the street chasing the angry mob that’s chasing the king)
King: YOU FOOLS! I’M TRYING TO HELP!
Knight: KING! STOP!
King: I’M TRYING TO SAVE THESE PATHETIC IDIOTS!
Princess: JUST STOP ALREADY!
(The mob chases the king onto a bridge. They slow down on the bridge)
Knight: They’re stopping!
(Another angry mob shows up on the other side)
Knight: Just great.
(The king stands on the edge of the bridge)
King: I DON’T WANT TO FACE THE APOCALYPSE!
(The knight and the princess push their way to the middle of the bridge)
Princess: DON’T DO IT! YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!
King: It’s all over.
Princess: NO IT’S NOT!
King: Wait… you’re right! I can stop this!
(The king jumps on the heads of the people in the mob, dodging pitchforks and torches, and runs away on the other side of the bridge)
Princess: WAIT! That’s not what I meant!
(We cut to the king climbing up a huge antenna/tower thing)
King: I’ll save you, television!
(The princess and the knight look up at him)
Knight: Quick! Follow him!
(The knight and the princess climb up the tower after him)
Princess: KING! STOP ALREADY!
King: NO! YOU BETRAYED ME!
(The king throws a rock at the knight and he falls off)
Princess: Okay, you’ve gone too far!
(The king throws a rock at the princess. She catches it and throws it back at him. It hits him and he falls off, screaming in slow-motion)
Princess: This is taking forever.
(We cut to fast motion. The king pulls out his grenade launcher and shoots the bottom of the tower. One of the two legs holding it up is hit by the explosion, and it bends down, hanging down over the angry mob. The princess holds on, trying not to fall off)
Princess: Whoa… whoa…
(We see the king falling and the flab on his face flapping around in the wind, still in slow motion)
Princess: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(The tower falls. The mob moves out of the way and the tower knocks over a black van that’s driving by)
Random person in mob: (gasps) That’s the van that took away that child!
(A police officer opens the door with a crowbar. A kid and a teenager get out)
Kid: What just happened?
Police Officer: SIR, YOU HAVE BROKEN THE LAW!
Teenager: What? What did I do?
Police Officer: YOU KIDNAPPED A CHILD!
Kid: Uh… no. I live like 100 miles away, so I use Uber.
Teenager: Yeah! I’m a new driver!
(The princess jumps down from the fallen tower and facepalms. We slowly zoom in on the king’s face with dramatic music. Everybody stares scared except for him, who smiles as his vision slowly goes out of focus)
King: I’m am herOAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
(The screen gets a red tint as his face glitches out and the episode abruptly ends)
It'sssssssssssssssss a wonnnnnnnnnderrrrrrrrful dayyyyyyyyyy aaaaaaaat Chiiiiiiick-Fffffffil-Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa