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Code Yellow

(The episodes opens with Squidward walking along the street, looking at his nose)

Squidward: Maybe I'll do a cute little button. (Pulls his nose to give himself a button nose. It pops right back out) Or something a bit more manly, perhaps? (Pulls his nose hairs to create a human-like nose with a nose hair mustache. It pops out again) Upturned might be good, too. (He breathes in, puts his thumb into his mouth, and exhales. He gets his nose upturned. SpongeBob pops in on his unicycle sideways)
SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward.
Squidward: Great. (facepalms) The idiot found me.
Spongebob: Whatcha doing?
Squidward: I'm picking a nose.
SpongeBob: Ooh! I used to pick my nose too, until I finally cleared it out! (SpongeBob puts his hand through his nostril, and sprinkles glitter out the other)
Squidward: I'm not picking my nose, SpongeBob. I'm on the way to the hospital for a nose job. Plastic surgery. I'm finally gonna get the nose I should have been born with.
SpongeBob: (gasps) But… Squidward, you're a beautiful flower. You don't need to change a— (He freaks out as he sees how hideous and disgusting Squidward's nose is, we get an appalling close-up of is covered in puss, bugs, boils and barnacles) Well, maybe a little work wouldn't hurt. Hey, you want a ride?
Squidward: With you? Absolutely not.
SpongeBob: Aww, come on, Squidward. (Pedals away, to come back with a garbage can attached to his unicycle) I can get you there lickety-split. (He tosses Squidward into the trash can and places a police siren on his head, he pedals to the hospital so fast that the road goes up in flames, and the two crash into the waiting room, spreading garbage all over it)
Receptionist: You can't dump your garbage here, sir.
SpongeBob: Oh, that's not garbage. That's my friend, Squidward. We're here to check in. (He takes the trash can off Squidward to reveal that his nose is stuffed with garbage)
Receptionist: (Flabbergasted) Holy nostroly! You must be here for the nose job. Let's, uh, get your paperwork filled out.

(Bubble transition, next scene, where we see a nurse comforting Squidward, who is now in a Hospital bed with a saline bag)

Nurse: You just relax, sir, the doctor will be ready for you soon. (She walks away)
Squidward: (Takes a deep breath) This is nice.
SpongeBob: (Randomly enters the room, scares Squidward) ever fear, Squidward. Soon this dreary old room will be so full of well-wishing you'll never want to go home.
(A Time Card reading "FIVE MINUTES LATER" is shown)
French Narrator: Five minutes later…
(We see that SpongeBob completely crowded the room with Balloons, "Get Well" Cards and Pink Teddy Bears)
Squidward: Grrrrr… (Throws the pink teddy bears that are on top of him off his bed, Squidward is outraged) SpongeBob, get this garbage out of here! I can hardly move!
SpongeBob: Oh, are you uncomfortable? Here, let me help.
(SpongeBob pushes the bed remote's buttons, which changes the shape of the mattress randomly, which squashes Squidward three times. He then resets the bed, and Squidward's body gets stuck in one of the bears)
Teddy Bear speaker: I wuv you!
Squidward: (Outraged, he rips himself out of the teddy bear and screams) The bed is fine!!!
SpongeBob: Fluff your pillow?
Squidward: No! (Pulls away pillow)
SpongeBob: Fluff your IV bag? (SpongeBob fluffs the IV bag, which makes Squidward's head puff in and out)
Squidward: Enough, you buffoon!
SpongeBob: (shivers) Well, gee, Squidward, I was just trying to be helpful.
Squidward: (sighs) If you want to help so badly, why don't you just go volunteer to be a candy striper? There's plenty of other people in the hospital you could torture.
SpongeBob: Squidward, that's a great idea. (confidently) I was born to serve! (He runs out of the room, and the bed squashes Squidward again)

(Bubble transition, next scene, where we see SpongeBob ask the receptionist to be a Candy Striper)

SpongeBob: Hello, lady, can I be a candy striper here at the—
Receptionist: Grab a uniform out of the closet.
SpongeBob: Ooh, thank you! Thank you! Whoo! (He dashes into the closet and comes back out with a red-striped uniform) Ooh! Candy stripes. (slurps on the stripes like licorice straws) Strawberry.
Purple Doctor: Ah, Doctor, thank goodness you're here.
Green Doctor: We were just looking for another physician to join us on our rounds.

(Bubble transition, next scene, where we see the two doctors and SpongeBob in a patient's room)

Green Doctor: And what seems to be the problem today?
Catfish: (With a sore throat) My throat hurts.
Purple Doctor: Prescribe him a numbing throat spray. Let's move on, shall we?
SpongeBob: Wait a second! I think I've seen this before. (He rubs his finger over the catfish's skin and finds some filth] Mm, yeah. (He licks the filth) Mm-hmm. I'll need one medical sea-chicken.
(The doctor takes out a brief case and opens it, SpongeBob takes out a chicken wearing an air helmet and plucks off a feather, and the chicken flies away. SpongeBob uses the feather to tickle the catfish, who coughs up his keys)
Catfish: Hey, my keys. And my throat feels better.
SpongeBob: You see, doctors, catfish are bottom feeders. The dirt on his face led me to believe he had recently eaten something that irritated his throat. Happens to my friend Patrick all the time. (He grunts, and then pulls out a pen, paintbrush and pencil from his body) Mm-hmm. (picks the pen and doodles a cute Krabby Patty on a paper) Try a Krabby Patty next time, sir. They go down smooth, and they taste better than car keys.
Catfish: Thanks, doc.
SpongeBob: No need to thank me, sir. I'm here to help.

(Bubble transition, next scene, we see the doctors and SpongeBob in another patient's room, this time a runner who crushed his legs)

Purple Doctor: What treatment might you prescribe for this next patient, Doctor? (The other doctor shows him and SpongeBob the x-ray of the patient's broken legs)
Runner: So what do you think? Will I be able to run in the Bikini Bottom marathon next week?
Green Doctor: Oh, my, no. I'm afraid you're—
SpongeBob: Of course! Friends don't let friends miss marathons. We'll have you up in no time. (looks around the room and finds a skeleton) Ah! (He grabs the skeleton and lists up the runner)
Runner: What are you— (interrupted by SpongeBob shaking him, so that his bones fall out of his mouth. SpongeBob shoves the fake skeleton down his throat)
Purple Doctor: Most unorthodox…
Green Doctor: He's a genius!
(The runner is now good as new! Well… except for the fact that his skeleton was put on backwards)
Runner: Thanks, doc!
SpongeBob: Ready, set. (blows a horn as the runner runs out backwards)

(Bubble transition, next scene, where we see the doctors moved to another room where Mrs. Puff is hooked up to an "Iron Lung")

Green Doctor: And what seems to be your problem today, ma'am?
Mrs. Puff: (Depressed) Sometimes I just don't have it in me to puff up under my own power…
SpongeBob: (Enters from behind the doctor excitedly) Hi Mrs. Puff!
Mrs. Puff: (Frightened) No! Not you! (Cries) What are you doing here!?
SpongeBob: (Whispers to Mrs. Puff) Don't worry, Mrs. Puff. I'm a doctor...today. What is this crazy thing? Looks like some sort of weird submarine. (Climbs through the iron lung and rides atop it)
Purple Doctor: You're kidding of course. We've placed her in an iron lung to help puff her back up.
SpongeBob: Ha-ha! Dive! Dive! Up periscope! Load the torpedoes. (He imitates an submarine and laughs) (He accidentally kicks a lever on the iron lung, causing it to move out of the room)
Mrs. Puff: (Whispers) Help me… (Screams as the iron lung rolls down the hallway, colliding into things)
Doctor: Hey!
(The doctors and patients panic as the iron lung keeps rolling, colliding with multiple people including the marathon runner)
Runner: My legs!
SpongeBob: Never fear, Mrs. Puff. I haven't lost a patient all day. (Puts on medical goggles) Let's get medical! (SpongeBob drives the iron lung using levers that pump Mrs. Puff back into in and out drastic. Right as the Iron lung is about to crash, the levers break) Oh no. (The lung crashes into the window, and Mrs. Puff floats out, back in her original shape)
Mrs. Puff: Oh. Actually, I feel like my old self again. But you still don't get a driver's license. (she shrinks and suddenly falls) Ow!
Purple Doctor: Wow. I've never seen anyone work an iron lung like that.
Green Doctor: So awesome. (The two hi-five)
Purple Doctor: We were on our way to perform a surgery...
Green Doctor: But we would be honored to watch you perform it.
SpongeBob: Me? Perform a surgery?

(Bubble transition, next scene, where we see Squidward is getting ready for his surgery in a room surrounded by other doctors)
Squidward: (Sips a Soda while the surgeon massages his forehead) Oh, yeah, this is the life. And best of all, there's no SpongeBob here to ruin it.
(The two doctors and SpongeBob enter the room)
SpongeBob: Oh, boy, surgery! And on my first day too.
Squidward: SpongeBob? No! What are you doing here?
Surgeon: Nighty night, Mr. Tentacles.
Squidward: Wait, wait, no, no, no, no!
(The surgeon puts Squidward to sleep with anesthesia)
SpongeBob: Oh, hi, everybody.
Doctors and Surgeons: Hi, SpongeBob.
Purple Doctor: Doctor, the patient's over here, and he's ready for you to begin.
Green Doctor: Oh, we're most eager to see which tool you select first.
SpongeBob: (Looks for a tool, using his hand to go over piles of lethal medieval weapons) Hmm, mm—mm—mm—mm. Let me see. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Phew. (Picks up a spatula) Here we go! (He twirls the spatula around to impress the doctors around him)
Doctors and Surgeons: Oh! Ah!
(SpongeBob starts on Squidward's nose job)
SpongeBob: Okay, SpongeBob, this can't be too hard. Just make an incision here, and— (operates with the spatula and ink sprays up) No! Shoot! (Squidward's heart flips) Son of a gun! (he continues to work, but rips Squidward's foot off) Ah, my bad.
Surgeon: I'll take that. (Takes the foot)
SpongeBob: Ah-ha! [Chops with the spatula and makes Sushi] Mmm, sushi.
(The surgeon takes the sushi and SpongeBob gets a saw. He tries to operate with it, but ends up breaking it. SpongeBob is shocked that he sawed Squidward in half. The surgeon takes Squidward's head and places it with the rest of his now-segmented body on another hospital bed)
SpongeBob: He's, uh, really going to pieces over this nose job.
(Everyone laughs)
SpongeBob: Oh, uh, (chuckles) thank you! Let's try again, shall we? (SpongeBob starts again and removes Squidward's nose, making a Krabby Patty out of it. We get another appalling close-up of Squidward's nose) Order Up!
(The doctors applaud. Later, SpongeBob lifts Squidward's nose and finds a blue handkerchief inside)
SpongeBob: Ooh! (Pulls out a yellow handkerchief) That shouldn't be in there! (He pulls out a string of handkerchiefs from Squidward's nose and finds one of the doctor's clipboards tied to the other end)
Yellow Doctor: What? (Notices he doesn't have a clipboard in his hands) Oh.
SpongeBob: (Confused) Ta-da! (Everyone applauds)

(Bubble transition, next scene, where we see SpongeBob sweating)

SpongeBob: Nurse, Sponge!
(The assistant surgeon cuts off the corner of SpongeBob's head and uses it as a sponge to dry the sweat. The sponge grows legs, giggles, and merges back into SpongeBob's head)
SpongeBob: Thank you nurse.
Small Doctor: (Jumps up and down behind the other doctors watching) I can't see! I can't see! I wanna see! (Crawls between the other doctors and falls straight into Squidward's nose, he struggles to get out) I still can't see! (He runs around the entire room dragging Squidward in circles, before SpongeBob stops him with his foot and forces the doctor out of Squidward by hitting him with a spatula. A pink doctor catches him with a baseball glove)
SpongeBob: Ta-da! (Everyone applauds)

(Bubble transition, next scene, where SpongeBob is stitching the new nose onto Squidward and hums, he finishes and takes off his gloves)

SpongeBob: There we go. You can wake him up now, nurse.
Squidward: (Wakes up and groans) What—what happened?
SpongeBob: I finished your nose job, you silly goose. Take a look. (SpongeBob pulls out a mirror so Squidward can look at his new nose, which is just bigger than it was before)
Squidward: SpongeBob, you idiot! This isn't even close to what I wanted!
SpongeBob: Well, why didn't you say so? Oh, nurse!
Squidward: Wait, no, no, no! I want a different doctor! I— (he gets knocked out with anesthesia again, and when he wakes up he looks at his reflection and sees he now has three noses) No! (with a noisemaker) No! (with an elephant's trunk) No! (with clarinet) No! (with a crab's nose) No! (with a log) No! (with the face of Squilliam Fancyson) No! (with a reindeer's antlers) No! (with a copy of his house) No! (with real life octopus) No! (with a car engine who's pistons flare up) No-o-o-o! (sobbing)
(SpongeBob snaps his fingers. Squidward wakes up one last time)
Squidward: Stop! I don't want to change my nose anymore! SpongeBob, I'll do anything! Anything at—
SpongeBob: How's about the Squidward Classic? (Holds up a mirror to show Squidward's nose is back to the way it was, only cleaner)
Squidward: Hey, not bad. This looks even better than my old nose.
SpongeBob: Well, I did have to use a few of your other body parts to re-sculpt it.
Squidward: (Looks down at his body to see his head's been decapitated)
SpongeBob: D'oh! Look at the time. I have to go to work. (Takes off his Candy Striper outfit)
Purple Doctor: But you're a doctor. You're at work.
SpongeBob: No, I'm just a fry cook. (He puts on his Krusty Krab hat) But it was fun playing with you guys. Bye! (Leaves)
Purple Doctor: Fry… cook? Ooh… (Faints into the other doctor)
Squidward: Don't be afraid, ladies. This sinus Adonis is on the market.
(The two female surgeons gasp and shiver in disgust)
End